


HIM

by bee7



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Character Development, Coming Out, Dissociation, Domestic Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F slur, Fluff, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Tension, Street Racing, Touch-Starved, Underage Drinking, Use of Controlled Substances, bad boy jaebum, church boy youngjae, just realized this is all this fic is about character development
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-02 23:17:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 107,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13328505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bee7/pseuds/bee7
Summary: “But the things I want to do- I want to do them with you. Are we clear? I just want to spend time with you, can we go now?” Jaebum doesn’t sound or look as happy as he looked when he got here, it’s obviously that talking about how he feels about something is not easy for him. He looks constipated as if he wants to be anywhere but here.“Okay... it’s that really all?” Youngjae just wants to be sure he won’t press it anymore, Jaebum sighs exasperated.“Well, I also want to fuck you, but ah-” he smirks when Youngjae tries to protest, “I know you won’t give in so easily, I can wait.”





	1. Detached

**Author's Note:**

  * For [noona96n](https://archiveofourown.org/users/noona96n/gifts), [Free Spirit (Levi_ah)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Levi_ah/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [portuguese](https://www.spiritfanfiction.com/historia/him--pt-br-15309677) version 
> 
> inspired by sam smith's song HIM.

Their house isn't too far away from the church, well the city isn't big so everything is close by. Youngjae is at the back seat with his sister while his father drives all the family, he chats with his wife mostly likely gossiping about someone’s life. They all have their church clothes on, looking impeccable so other people can see just how well put together this family is.

The cold outside is restless, the Winter making it impossible for anyone to have their windows rolled down, it looks pretty but it’s uncomfortable even inside the car. Youngjae stares out at the streets, the pavement wet from the rain, everything looks so grey, even though it's morning it’s too dark, the sun doesn't shine, but he thinks it's beautiful, it's peaceful, it's right.

It’s when they are already close to the church that Youngjae sees _him._ Im Jaebum is leaning on his bike, he looks just as handsome and as dangerous as ever, with his leather jacket on and his hair gelled up he just looks too out of place in the small city. It's like he doesn't belong here, but it's not as if Youngjae thinks Jaebum belongs anywhere really. His body seems to take too much space even though it doesn't, his presence is too strong, you cannot just not see him, he doesn't fit in. The way he presents himself is too aggressive, it's impossible to ignore how he is the center of every place he is at.

The boy wonders why Jaebum is smoking by himself, bike parked beside him when it's so cold out there. He looks lonely, he is always with his friends, Jaebum definitely isn't a lonely person, but even around people, it's like he always wants to be by himself. And he is all alone now so it also feels right as if Jaebum standing by himself in the middle of the city on a cold grey day it's how things are supposed to be.

The car goes slowly so Youngjae stares, he doesn't mean to, but looking at the other boy seems inevitable, he draws all the attention to him, he calls for Youngjae. The entire city knows Im Jaebum, people either hate him or want to be like him, sometimes both, most of the time they want to be _with_ him, but the fact is that he is known as The Bad Boy. The one who is always in trouble, who doesn't care about school, the irresponsible kid from a broken family. The boy who is every parent's worst nightmare and of course the best looking guy in the entire city.

Youngjae thinks this is a cliche, Jaebum is a big cliche, it's like he took it for himself to be the city's bad boy and now it's his duty so he has to keep going on acting like that. It doesn't seem real though, Youngjae always thought he saw more there, no one is just one thing, people have layers and more layers. Of course, Jaebum has as well, he doesn't show it but Youngjae thinks about it sometimes, about everything that Jaebum's keeps hidden from the world. Jaebum is so much more, he has to be.

Their eyes lock, Jaebum is speaking with someone on the phone, but then he stops talking altogether so he can stare at Youngjae as well, his eyes could burn holes on Youngjae's if they could, the heat he see in them is something the boy has never experienced before. It can't last for more than twenty seconds but damn if those aren't some intense twenty seconds, Youngjae doesn't know why or how it happens he just can't stop looking, he feels his body getting warm, face growing hotter and hotter, cold winter long forgotten.

“Ah! And there goes Im Jaebum,” his sister says to no one in particular. “How can he smoke so early in the morning?”

“It's there a rule about when you should start smoking?” Youngjae asks this is dumb, people smoke when they feel like it, he doesn't think they check the time before doing it.

“Well, it doesn't matter now, does it? You two shouldn't be even looking at this boy’s way, don't think about him at all, he is not the kind of person you should worry about.” His father could probably found an anti-Jaebum association. He hates the boy’s guts, Jaebum is everything his father fears, he lives his life by his own rules, he does what he feels like doing and that might be one of the biggest sins on the older man's eyes. People are supposed to be submissive, to know their place, to be careful, to be always obedient, to fear God, just about everything Youngjae is and Jaebum is not.

At the church Youngjae tries to pay attention to what the pastor is saying, but his thoughts keep wandering, he thinks about the homework he has to do when he gets home, also about having their weekly chocolate milkshake with Yugyeom later. Mostly he thinks about Jaebum's eyes, they were so intense when he saw the other boy just minutes ago, it's like they were saying so much but Youngjae couldn't understand a single word. When he realizes it his father is already taking all of them to the car, Youngjae prays silently in his head apologizing for not paying attention to anything and for the bad thoughts he had. He shouldn't be thinking about another boy like that or in any way at all really.

Yet that night Youngjae dreams of dark eyes hunting him, eyes that catch him and throw his body at the ground just to devour him. He wakes up feeling ashamed of himself, this is not the type of dreams a boy like him should be having. Not him. He won't do anything about the way-- he won't do anything about how his body reacted to this dream, so he prays.

“Please, forgive me. Please, please, forgive me.” He asks for forgiveness till he can fall asleep again. Almost two hours later he still prays even in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- so this pretty short but i just wanted a story that i could write on my phone everytime i didnt feel good about something like a distraction w no stress, i will probably post short updates just when i feel like adding to this...  
>  \- btw i dont mean to offend anyone with this fic :)


	2. Equals

“She was looking at Yugyeom with a red face-” Bambam is giggling as he tells Youngjae about a girl from the church who also attends school with them trying to ask Yugyeom out in the middle of their calculus class. Yugyeom tries to stop him almost yelling because apparently, this is not how things went. Just then the cafeteria goes silent for about five seconds till everyone starts to whisper to each other.

Youngjae looks back so he can see what the fuss is all about, Jaebum is walking into the school cafeteria accompanied by his best friend Jinyoung and some other members of his gang. They look like they are part of a weird clan, a clan that only accepts beautiful mysterious teens, what really catches Youngjae’s attention is the fact that Jaebum has a black eye, they aren’t very close but he can still notice that he has a split in his lips, it doesn’t matter because he still walks as if he owns the place.

“Oh, this is more important,” Bambam is whispering too, Youngjae doesn’t know what for, it’s obviously what everyone here is talking about. “I heard Jaebum got into a fight with some boys from another district, this is why he hasn’t been around the entire week.” Jaebum sees that Youngjae is staring, well everyone is really, but he catches Youngjae’s eyes. The boy almost chokes on his orange juice, he wants to look away but Jaebum holds his gaze, then he smirks at Youngjae making the younger boy look down feeling just as ashamed as he felt last week after the weird dream he had.

“Oh yeah, did you hear about it, Jae?” Yugyeom asks, Youngjae just shakes his head, he can’t look up so he pretends to be busy with his food. “I heard he broke a boy’s nose and got another one really hurt, their families wanted to press charges, but Jaebum’s rich mom fixed it… you know how it goes, as it always goes.”

Youngjae knows how it goes, everyone in the city knows, after it, the boys keep talking about Jaebum and his friends' adventures, but Youngjae turns them off. Jaebum is sitting on a table a little far from them but Youngjae can see the other boy perfectly, it’s disturbing he won’t stop looking at Youngjae and it’s making the boy feel things he shouldn’t be feeling. The rest of the day goes without any major events, he tries without success to stop thinking about Jaebum’s smirk, he feels so ugly thinking about it.

“Get in,” Youngjae is walking back home, he takes the bus just when it’s too cold or when it rains, today is cold but he felt like he needed some air. A car slows down next to him, it’s an expensive car, since the boy knows nothing about cars he can’t tell the brand or anything but he knows this car, everyone knows. It’s beautiful and shiny, the girls at school would fight each other to get in it. “Come on, I don’t have the entire day.”

“I- what?” Jaebum is looking at Youngjae from inside the car as if he really expects the boy to get in, he must be crazy. “You have the wrong person,” the boy starts walking faster as if he could ever walk faster than a car.

“I’m pretty sure you are the right person, come on get in, I will give you a ride,” seeing that Youngjae won’t even look his way, Jaebum’s face hardens. “What would people say if they saw me chasing you like this? Isn’t better if you get inside so you could roll the windows up? No one would be able to see you,”

It makes sense, Youngjae hates that he is right, people would gossip about Jaebum following him around all the way back home. “Isn’t better if you leave me alone? I don’t know what you might want with me, if you need to borrow my notes wait till Monday,”

“Well, you’re always staring at me so maybe I should be the one wondering what _you_ want with _me.”_ At that Youngjae’s face burns a deep shade of red, of course, Jaebum noticed his stares, his voice doesn’t have a hint of teasing it’s cold instead it makes the boy anxious. He shouldn’t get in his car, it might be dangerous… he mumbles an ‘ok’ so Jaebum stops the car altogether.

They make their way to Youngjae’s neighborhood, he wonders how Jaebum knows where he lives but he doesn’t ask, none of them say anything. “I guess I should leave you here, your parents wouldn’t like seeing you with me.” Saying that they wouldn’t like is an understatement, they would probably sue Jaebum’s mother for even giving birth to him.

“Ok, thanks for the ride, I guess…” Youngjae tries opening the door but it’s locked, he looks at Jaebum while he waits for the boy to unlock it for him but he doesn’t. “Can you-”

“Sneak out tonight, I have a race and I want you to come to watch it,” Jaebum isn’t looking at him, instead he looks forward, his face hard as stones.

“What is going on here? Really, Jaebum just unlocks the door and let me leave, I’m not sneaking out to see you risk your life at street races. Why are you even doing this-”

“You have two options, option one: sneak out at ten and meet me here exactly where we are right now so you can go with me and we can have a good time; or option two: don’t come and I will knock on your door and tell your father that I’m over to take you out on a date.”

“You- you what? Are you out of your damn mind? I’m not- why are you doing this? Is this some kind of bet and you have to-” Youngjae is yelling, he can’t believe what he is hearing, Jaebum is pretty much blackmailing him, if Jaebum ever knocks on his door he knows his father will lose his mind, it will end badly for Youngjae and for Jaebum no matter what they do. “My father will kill you if you-”

“So if you don’t want your father going to jail for killing me you better be here at ten because one minute past it and I’m driving all the way to your house. It’s your choice,”

“Are you crazy? Dude what the hell, you don’t even know me and you-” Youngjae hopelessly tries to find his way out of this, but Jaebum is smirking, the boy can see it even though Jaebum won’t look his way.

“Maybe it’s just how you guys say, maybe a demon sent me to tempt you… maybe I’m a sin to you, go figure. The point is that you should be here, I’m not leaving without you.” At that Jaebum does look at him, he unlocks the door for Youngjae, the younger boy holds his breath, Jaebum’s eyes are exactly like in his dreams with a stronger sense of danger to them.

At dinner he barely talks to anyone, his father asks if something is wrong but he plays it off saying he is too tired since he had a stressful week at school, they don’t think much of it. Youngjae doesn’t know what do do, he knows that Jaebum would have to be an idiot to come to his house claiming that they have a date, he is not an idiot though, this would be worse for him anyways, Youngjae’s father wouldn’t believe his word over Youngjae’s. This much is obvious, yet eight minutes to ten the boy is leaving his house, his window is a little high but he manages it without too much trouble.

He can see Jaebum’s car parked exactly where he left Youngjae earlier, he gets in, Jaebum doesn’t say anything while he drives off. God, what is he doing? He should go back home right now this is not right, this is the worst decision he could have done. Youngae prays for God to help him, to give him strength, this has to be a temptation, Jaebum was mocking him before but there’s no other explanation to this.

“I knew you were coming, you look great by the way,” Youngjae blushes, he is not used to people saying he looks good, not really, just some younger girls at church, but he doesn’t pay them no mind. Why does he care about what Jaebum thinks about his looks?

“Just drive so I can see you gambling with other idiots and risking your life like the idiots you all are,” Youngjae tries to be cold, to sound as cold as Jaebum always does but he doesn’t think it works, Jaebum looks pleased with himself, maybe his intention is to get Youngjae mad at him or something like that.

They get to a nearby town, there are more than ten cars here and a lot of teenagers, Jaebum greets some of them, Youngjae can see Jinyoung and Jackson who greet him with a nod. Jaebum doesn’t introduce him to anyone, he looks pathetic here standing by Jaebum’s side as an accessory. The older boy talks to some other people that Youngjae doesn’t know, he hands a girl a lot of money, Youngjae’s eyes bulge, they are probably making bets, it’s a lot of money though, he probably could live off it for a year.

“Will you ride with me?” Jaebum speaks to him for the first time since they got here, Youngjae almost forgot that they came together.

“No way, you already made me come here you ain’t making me ride this thing with you,” Youngjae tells him, they are standing incredibly close, it’s cold so he won’t say anything, just because it’s warmer like this.

“I didn’t make you do anything, you are here because you wanted to come, we both know it, no reason to try denying it. You don’t have to ride with me this time,” Jaebum’s gaze is so intense, Youngae feels like the air is too cold as it burns his lungs.

When it’s time for Jaebum’s race the older boy says goodbye right at his ear, telling him to cheer for him. Youngjae almost has a heart attack watching the race, it’s horrible, they’ve been here for almost two hours so he saw other people racing already but this time around things feels different, he is worried about Jaebum, of course, he is. If something happens to Jaebum how is he getting back home? How will he explain to his father what he was doing here? This is the only reason why he is praying asking God to take care of Jaebum and his car. It doesn’t last for more than ten minutes, at least he thinks so, he stands by himself, people yelling by his sides and he has no idea of what is happening. The sky looks beautiful, full with stars, Youngjae realizes that this is the first time he is out at such a late hour, it feels wrong but also so good at the same time, it’s exciting because he shouldn’t be doing it.

Jaebum wins, Jackson is all over him, hugging him while they celebrate with dollar flying over their heads, Youngjae smiles for a second, Jaebum looks good when he is happy, he has never seen him smiling genuinely like that. He drops the smile when Jaebum looks his way smiling back, he is not happy to be here he shouldn’t be smiling.

“Where are we celebrating tonight, Jaebum? Marissa is throwing a party, you know how her parties always go wild, right? I’m so ready to get drunk and-”

“What do you think, Choi? Feeling like partying tonight?” Jaebum asks, Jackson snorts on his other side as if the idea of Youngjae wanting to party with them is ridiculous, well and he is right he seems to know Youngjae better than Jaebum does, because Youngjae will never go to a party with any of them, he will never go to any party like the ones they go.

“Just take me home and you can go to your party, I don’t care,” Youngjae tells him, Jackson laughs loudly as if this is the funniest thing in the world. Jaebum glares at him.

“You find this funny? You are riding with Jinyoung, I’m taking Youngjae home,” Jackson is ready to protest but Jaebum’s glare just gets worse so he doesn’t say anything. Jaebum is silent too, he stops at a McDonalds’ drive-thru getting them some cheeseburgers and fries, Youngjae wants to thank him, he is used to being polite to people, this is how he is but he doesn’t, he is angry he didn’t want to be here, he doesn’t understand why he is here and also Jaebum’s race made him very nervous but he doesn’t want to acknowledge it.

It doesn’t take too long for them to get back to his house, now Jaebum won’t even stop at the spot from before, he seems to not be scared parking his car right in front of the younger’s house. “Thanks for watching me, next week we should leave earlier since it will be in a town a little farther away,”

“Next week? If you think I’m doing this again you are crazy because I’m not, I don’t even know why-”

“You know why you came with me for the same reason I invited you… we are the same, Youngjae. Well, maybe not the same, but we are similar, you want freedom, I want freedom, the difference is that I’m going after it while you pray for it,” Jaebum tells him.

“I- we are nothing alike! You know nothing about me!” Youngjae feels like yelling at him again, but it’s almost two in the morning, the streets are silent, he shouldn’t be loud.

“Prove me wrong then, don’t come next week, I will leave you alone if that’s what you want,” Jaebum sounds sincere enough, his voice lower than before, Youngjae believes he would leave him alone if he told him to, he doesn’t say anything. “But… I can give it to you, you know? The things that you want, I can give it all to you.”

Youngjae gasps, he feels his face burn, Jaebum can’t possibly know what he wants. “I don’t want anything, I have everything I want already.”

“Ok, don’t come next Friday then… I’ll be here though,” Jaebum isn’t looking at him anymore, Youngjae takes advantage of the moment looking closely at his features, his lips are hurt, Youngjae wants to touch it, he almost does but he thinks better of it.

Getting out of the car, the boy leans on the window, “I’m not going again, so don’t bother coming.” Youngjae has to climb up his way to his room, Jaebum only leaves when he is inside, the car too noise in the dark silent night. The boy lies in his bed, he can’t believe what he just did, he sneaked out and went to another town with a boy he shouldn’t be even talking to. He won’t ever do it again, this was just a one-time thing, he doesn’t know why he did it, maybe it was just curiosity, yeah it might be it, he isn’t curious anymore, it’s alright. He prays quickly just thanking God for not letting anything happen to Jaebum. He dreams of warm breath, low raspy voice telling him non-senses on his ear, he can feel how hot it feels even though it’s not real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- i hope you like this chapter  
> \- at first i just wanted to write something that i had in my mind rn i kinda have an idea of what i will do with it so it's nice i guess


	3. Powerless

The following week at school it’s kinda weird, Youngjae sees Jaebum around a lot, like way more than he is used to, Bambam even comments with him that he thinks Jaebum must be trying to get a better attendance since the boy isn’t skipping as much as he always does. The thing is that even though Youngjae can’t keep his eyes away from Jaebum he is never acknowledged, it feels weird in a wrong way. He knows they aren’t friends, but still they hang out together, Youngjae sneaked out just to go watch Jaebum on a race and now he won’t even look Youngjae’s way? He doesn’t even stare back as he used to, Youngjae doesn’t mean to but he sulks like a kid after being denied some candy.

“What’s up with you stealing glances at Im Jaebum all the time as if we can’t see it?” Yugyeom asks him at their shared English class. Jaebum doesn’t even share this class with them, he doesn’t know why he is being brought up out of nowhere.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, Yugy.” Youngjae whispers back, their teacher isn’t paying attention to them though, she told them to work on the summary of a book of their choice, she is obviously done with the week already. So Yugyeom is taking advantage of it.

“So you’re saying you don’t stare at him at every opportunity you get? Come on, Jae, I see you doing it and you’ve been doing it the entire week! Did he do something to you cos if he did-”

“Nah, shut it, he didn’t do anything because we have never talked to each other… you are just looking for things to bug me, let me work on my summary.” Youngjae says dismissively, Yugyeom hums at him but it’s obvious that he is not buying it. Youngjae doesn’t have many friends, he is close to Yugyeom and to Bambam only, he supposes telling them his secrets wouldn’t be a big deal, they’ve always known each other and the other two boys tell him everything, literally everything that ever happens to them, yet he doesn’t know how he could tell them about riding with Jaebum to another town as if they are friends or something, they are not. He doesn’t know how to deal with it, it’s better if he keeps it to himself he has no idea how they would react to him hanging with a boy like Jaebum, anyways.

Youngjae is at his room reading Shingeki no Kyojin, he started it this week trying to distract himself from bad boy’s related thought it is working quite well if he can say so himself, he is getting to a good part when his father gets into his room, he doesn’t bother knocking, actually he almost smashes the door on the wall with how hard he opens it.

“Wha-” Youngjae starts startled,

“Don’t you have choir practice? Anna called me saying you didn’t attend Tuesday and now today you didn’t either, she was worried you were sick, but no you are here lying on your lazy ass staring at this phone. Why are you skipping practice, Youngjae?” His father has his own phone in his hands as if he had just hanged up with Anna and came to his son’s room to scream at him right away.

“I- I forgot? I’m sorry dad, I completely forgot that-” Youngjae tries again but without success.

“You forgot? You have a responsibility, do you think it’s fair to others to sit around waiting for you while you are up in here doing nothing? You are going tomorrow-” Youngjae tries to protest but his father stops him, “I know that tomorrow there’s no practice but I don’t care, Anna said she will go help you practice so you are not so far behind the others, you have a lot to make up to, you go right after school-”

“I have a thing tomorrow night, I mean can’t it wait?” Suddenly his father is taking Youngjae’s phone away from him, he takes Youngjae from his bed pulling him harshly by his arm.

“You have a _thing?_ Since when my son has a thing that comes before church? You are going tomorrow and you are practicing till Anna thinks it’s good enough, I will give your phone back by Monday, I don’t want you having any distractions. Hear me?” His father looks terrifying when he is angry, Youngjae thinks he looks nothing like the religious man that helps the poor on his free time, he is afraid to say anything so he just nods his head.

After his father leaves Youngjae lies in his bed, he feels tears rolling down his face. He’s so stupid, Jaebum was right he wants freedom, but he can’t see himself ever getting it, it’s pathetic how impotent he feels right now, he doesn’t have control over anything. Youngjae can’t even decide when he will attend choir or not, not that he decided not going, he really forgot about it all the Jaebum thing really messed up with his head, mainly the thing where he was being ignored by the other boy.

He doesn’t remember praying more than twice this week, he completely forgot about the church. What makes him cry even harder is the thought that he doesn’t own anything, his father can take his phone when he pleases, can tell him where to go and what do and there’s no discussion to it. Youngjae sobs into his pillow, he won’t be able to see Jaebum tomorrow, not that he was planning on going but his father took it away from him too, he took the decision from his hands.

The next day Youngjae thinks about approaching Jaebum and telling him that he won’t be able to make it tonight, but Jaebum is nowhere to be seen, of course, he would come to school every day of the week so he could ignore Youngjae but the day the boy needs to see him he wouldn’t show up. It’s just Youngjae’s luck. Bambam and Yugyeom bug him the entire day asking what’s wrong, he tells them what happened and about not having his phone with him for the weekend. His friends look murderous, his father’s behavior is not news for any of them, they try to cheer him up by buying him ice cream and walking him to church, he feels a little better and even laughs with them.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart? Do you not feel alright? I can call you father to pick you up if you need me to,” Anna asks after Youngjae hits the wrong note for the fifth time in a row. He can’t concentrate all he can think about is Jaebum waiting for him at his house street and him not showing up. He did tell Jaebum to no bother going so maybe the boy isn’t even there, yet this is all he can think about.

“No, don’t call him, it’s alright I’m just a little tired, I will get it right this time,” he tries again another two times without success.

“It’s alright, you should go home, my dear. We’ve been here for hours, sometimes resting is as important as practicing, go home Youngjae. I will call you father for you,”

“No! I know it’s cold but I can walk home, I’d rather walk… I- thank you, Anna, and also I’m sorry I will do better next week, promise, see you Sunday.” Youngjae flies out of the church, maybe if he runs he can still catch Jaebum and explain to him why he is late. He doesn’t know why he cares so much, but he feels kinda bad about not showing up.

The streets are as silent and as empty as always, no sign of Jaebum or of his car or of his bike for the matter. Youngjae feels his eyes burning, his lungs burn too because of the running he did and the cold air. Jaebum was supposed to wait for him two hours ago, of course, he left already, of course, he did.

Sunday morning on their way to the church Youngjae sees Jaebum in the same spot he saw him two weeks ago, his father says something about delinquents who probably haven’t even get home the last night, Youngjae doesn’t understand what he is saying all he can do is stare at Jaebum’s eyes. This is the first time Jaebum looks back at him since the race night he hasn’t even looked Youngjae’s way, it made the boy feel invisible.

This time around Jaebum looks right into his eyes raising a single eyebrow at him, he is smoking again, the last thing Youngjae sees is the smoke covering Jaebum’s face then his father turns the car in another corner.

*

Monday Youngjae gets his phone back, his father tells him to behave and to attend the choir practice so he won’t get in trouble again. They don’t talk much, they never do but since last week things got worse, he doesn’t feel like looking at his father at all, it just reminds him how it feels like being yelled at, being pushed, being treated like he is nothing.

He works hard on his homework and on everything else he has to work on, it’s not easy not thinking about Jaebum, the boy has his ways into Youngjae’s head, this much is obvious, but he tries distracting himself. By Thursday he hasn’t seen Jaebum at school not even once if last week his attendance was almost perfect this week he didn’t even show up. Youngjae doesn’t know if he is ready to be ignored again anyways so he pretends to not care whether he sees Jaebum or not.

Sunday morning they see Jaebum again, it’s like he is always there, it doesn’t make sense to Jaebum to be at the same spot every Sunday at nine o’clock, it’s so cold outside, it can’t be comfortable, yet he is always there, always smocking by himself and locking eyes with Youngjae when he gets the chance. Youngjae messes up a lot when they are singing, he gets the timing wrong and the notes too, at the last song he forgets the lyrics altogether, his father scolds him all the way home. Youngjae holds his tears, he prays but just so he can shut his father’s voice in his head, he is so ashamed, people looked at him as if he was a fuck up, well it fits because that’s exactly how he felt.

“Listen, dude, you should stop beating yourself up about what happened Sunday, let the past in the past. Everyone makes mistakes,” Yugyeom says hugging his side playfully, Youngae tries to give him a smile but he knows he looks more pained than anything.

“Come on, Jae, no one even remembers it anymore! You are the best singer on that choir anyways, it’s good for them to learn not to rely on you all the time!” At that Youngjae smiles genuinely, he knows Bambam meant it as a compliment but it doesn’t come off like that.

“It’s alright, guys. I’m not thinking about it anymore,” except that he is, “my dad is on my back all the time though, telling me how I embarrassed them because I don’t put enough effort on things and all the shebang… it’s just tiring.”

“You are a hero for dealing with it, bro-” Youngjae turns them off, he sees Jaebum at the parking lot with some of his friends, they are smoking as if they have the right to. Youngjae thinks it’s ridiculous how desperate for attention they all are, come on smoking still at school’s property? It’s just like screaming ‘look at me!’ They are leaning on Jaebum’s car, two girls sitting on the hood.

“Guys… you two go without me, I think I’ll walk today, yeah?” They were walking to the catch the bus together.

“Are you crazy? It’s so cold, dude, you will freeze to death before you can get home!” Yugyeom is always so dramatic, Youngjae appreciates his worry though, he doesn’t want to walk home, it’s really cold but he needs to do something and it needs to be by himself. He reassures them that it’s alright he isn’t that cold, again a lie. They part ways, Youngjae walks slowly, pretends to check his phone and text someone twice till he can make his legs take him to Jaebum’s car, he is so anxious his hands are shaking.

“I-- can I- can I talk to you?” Youngjae stands right in front of Jaebum, it’s obvious he is talking to him, he doesn’t know these other people anyways, there’s no Jackson or Jinyoung today, not that they are close to him or anything, but Youngjae doesn’t even know these other people’s names.

Jaebum doesn’t answer, he blows smock right at Youngjae’s face making the younger boy cough lightly, “listen, please? I will be quick, promise.”

One of the girls at the hood look at him as if she takes pity on him but she is smiling smugly, maybe she just thinks he is a lost pathetic puppy, “Go ahead, church boy, we don’t keep secrets from each other, you can say it right here in front of us,” the way she says that, as if they’re all very close and tell each other everything makes Youngjae sick. He doubts they are as close as she says, they don’t even look like friends, Jaebum looks as lonely with them as he looks when he is by himself on Youngjae’s way to the church.

Jaebum doesn’t say anything, the boy realizes that he has to say it here in front of these people he doesn’t even know or he won’t say anything at all, “I- about last Friday… I-- I didn’t mean to-- you see I had choir practice,” the girl, Youngjae thinks her name is Mia, laughs out loud, the others joining her, Jaebum is the only one who doesn’t react at all, it’s like Youngjae hasn’t said anything.

“Oh my god, why would anyone here care about you having to spend your Friday nights at church singing to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? I’m sorry to break it to you, but we don’t even know your name, church boy.” Mia says in a mocking tone, the other girl high fives her, Youngjae feels dumb but he doesn’t care about them, he cares about Jaebum understanding that he was going to meet him but wasn’t able to, before he can say anything else Jaebum finally decides to say something, it’s the first time Youngjae hears his voice in weeks but he wishes he didn’t.

“She is right, you know? Why would I care about what you do in your free time? I don’t give a shit, _church boy.”_ His voice is colder than the wind blowing on Youngjae’s face. Jaebum takes a cigarette from Mia, they seem to be sharing it, he is dismissing Youngjae as if he is nothing this much is pretty obvious.

Youngjae feels a single tear drop from his right eye, he pretends he doesn’t feel it so maybe the others won’t see it either, but he doesn’t really care right now he just walks off. God, he feels so humiliated, of course, Jaebum doesn’t care about him at all. The thing they did and talked about that day probably was a bet just like Youngjae first thought, he didn’t want to hang out with Youngjae because of some dumb excuse about them being similar or whatever. If he had any genuine interest in Youngjae he already lost it.

On his way home the tears won’t stop falling, he is by himself so he doesn’t care, the wind makes it horrible though, it’s like his face is burning and freezing at the same time. Youngjae is almost sobbing in the middle of the town, he is grateful there’s no one around. This feeling it’s just like the one he felt when his father yelled squeezing his arm two weeks ago, the same one from Sunday when he messed up in front of everyone at the church, he feels powerless, stupid for thinking he could have something, anything really, what did he even think? That he and Jaebum would- would do what? They can’t be friends, they can’t be anything.

He goes to his room, telling his mom he has a headache so he can cry on his warm bed, he should pray, he should thank god for not letting him do anything he would regret later. This all happened for the best, it’s best for him to never see Jaebum again, he was just being stupid wanting something he can’t have, that he shouldn’t even want in the first place. He can see it now, yeah, but it doesn’t change the way he feels. As if he has nothing, no power over anything in his life, no control over himself. He is just something that belongs to his family to order around. Youngjae feels lonelier than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i said that id update it just when i felt like it... i seem to feel like it a lot lol, anyways i hope you like this chapter and thx for your comments <3


	4. Just once

The last class of the day is also the last class of the year, Bambam is almost bouncing on his seat, desperate for the school bell to ring already, he and his family will go on a short trip and this is all he could talk about for the past week. Youngjae isn’t that excited for the school recess, his father took his ‘privileges’ away because apparently, he doesn’t deserve it if he isn’t going to work hard, things at the choir aren’t going well for him. The problem is that he loves singing, but it’s not the same anymore, he doesn’t want to sing at church, he wants to sign somewhere else, he wants to do something big that he never will.

The point is that he is not excited to spend more than two weeks at home without his phone, his laptop and his video game, it will be a living hell. “Ah! Finally, the torture is over!” Bambam yells as soon as the class ends, their teacher looks at him as if she is disgusted. “Come on, let’s get Yugyeomie so we can leave this place already. Freedom, my friend!”

Youngjae smiles, he wishes he was half as happy as his best friend, “You two go, I will go to the library and get some books, I will have two weeks to myself and I’ll go crazy if I have nothing to occupy my mind with,”

“Dude, what kind of person goes to the library to get _books_ on their last day of class?” Bambam is the one looking disgusted right now.

“It’s not as if I’ll have something better to do anyways,” Bambam complains a little more but then he is hugging Youngjae, they will won’t be able to see each other before the boy leaves with his family.

On his way to the library Youngjae feels a little weird as if someone has their eyes on him, he looks back a least ten times but can’t see anyone, most of the students already gone. The librarian, a short old lady called Mae, smiles warmly at him telling him to not take too long since the school will close in one hour. The rule says that Youngjae can take five books with him, he already decided on three so now he is just looking around, he will get anything that catches his attention.

Youngjae is distracted reading the cover of a thick book, it seems interesting it’s about a boy who is different from all the other kids, whatever it means, when out of nowhere a body is pressing him against the shelves, he can’t move or look behind to see what is going on, the boy is about to scream for help when he hears _his_ voice.

“Do you have any idea of how fucking hot you look right now, Choi?” Jaebum’s voice is hoarse in his ear. Youngjae has no idea what is happening, they haven’t even looked at each other in the past weeks, he tried his best to ignore the other’s presence, he decided he wouldn’t let it get to his head again. Even though Jaebum was always at his spot every Sunday morning Youngjae would never look at him, he would talk to his sister pretending he didn’t notice Jaebum there. He thought whatever it was that happened between them as over so he doesn’t know why he is being shoved onto shelves by the other boy right now.

“Get- get off me,” Youngjae whisper-shouts, but Jaebum doesn’t back off instead one of his hands finds its way over Youngjae’s lower stomach, it’s so warm, he can feel its warmth through his coat and shirt. “What are you doing- stop it!”

“I’m sorry for… for the way I acted last time we talked. I was just so mad, so angry at you, I waited for you for almost two hours that night, did you know that? I was one of the last ones to make it to the race and then I lost cos I just couldn’t stop thinking about you… about you not wanting to see me again, I was a mess… I almost hit my car.” Jaebum is practically purring the words into his ears, his breath sending shivers through Youngjae’s body.

“I-- I don’t care, you were a dick to me when I tried explaining-” Youngjae tries turning so he can look at Jaebum but the older boy is way stronger than him and won’t budge.

“Yeah, I know, I can be a dick sometimes, baby,” fuck what is he calling him now? “But I was angry, ok? You stood me up, I wasn’t going to talk to you ever again but… seeing you around it’s so- so distracting… looking so innocent, so pure... you’re so pretty just like an angel, I don’t think you know that. I can’t take you out of my head, Youngjae.” Suddenly Jaebum’s hand is under Youngjae’s shirt over his lower stomach, he is lowering his hand as if he plans on getting it inside Youngjae’s pants, the boy almost hits his face on the books in front of him trying to stop Jaebum. Youngjae holds his hand before he can lower it even more, but he doesn’t beat it away, just holds it in place.

“Don’t- don’t touch me like that! If anyone sees us-- this is not right, Jaebum!” He knows his voice sounds weak now though, he also knows that Jaebum won’t stop.

“Stop overthinking it,” Jaebum’s lips are touching his ear and Youngjae is about to combust, “don’t think about right and wrong just for a second, yeah? Think about what feels good, doesn’t it feel good when I hold you against my body like that, baby?”

“Jaebum, I have to leave, it’s getting late and-”

“The idea that I wouldn’t be able to see you for more than two weeks was driving me insane, you know that? I can’t go so long without seeing you, seeing you just when the recess is over-- Will you sneak out tonight?” Jaebum asks as if everything is alright between them as if that half apology was enough, it wasn’t.

“I’m not sneaking out again, Jaebum! I don’t want to go to no dumb race and I won’t risk getting caught, my father would kill me, I don’t think you understand it when I say that my father would kill me he really would kill me so let me go. Also, I’m mad at you, you can’t treat me like that and then act as if everything is alright, it’s not!” It’s kinda pathetic that he is saying he is angry at Jaebum when their fingers are interlocked under his shirt, but he will ignore it.

“I know you are mad and I know it’s not alright, let me make it up to you, yeah? I won’t take you to a race, I won’t be racing tonight so I can spend the night with you, I planned something just for the two of us, so I can apologize properly. Come on, don’t I deserve a chance to make things right?” He doesn’t, Youngjae has no reason to give him any chance, he should just kick Jaebum and leave right now, he isn’t that smart though.

“Alright… but it will be the last time!” Jaebum startles him by turning him around quickly, he plasters their chests together, smiling brightly at Youngjae, the boy has never seen Jaebum smile not like that anyway, it’s blinding.

“You won’t regret it, I will make you feel alive tonight, I will pick you up at nine, do you think you can make it? Also, give me your number so if something happens we can communicate like normal people would,” Jaebum’s lips are way too close to his, he takes a little bit too long to stop staring at them so he can look at his eyes and come up with a reply.

“I- yeah, nine it’s fine but… my father took my phone away so you having my number won’t make much of a difference really, sorry.” Youngjae has nothing to apologize for, but he kinda wants to please Jaebum which is scary.

Jaebum rolls his eyes as if the idea of Youngjae not having his phone is ridiculous. “Of course, doesn’t matter I will be there at nine, don’t be late, last time it messed with my head… see you later, Choi.” Jaebum isn’t smiling anymore, his face is back at being cold, it’s like his default expression, Youngjae doesn’t like it. When he leaves his body warmth leaves with him, it makes Youngjae even colder than before.

They are having dinner together, Youngjae can’t for himself to eat much, the excitement is making his stomach flutter, he is just playing with the food in his plate. It’s not so bad that he is excited to see Jaebum, right? Excited to be alone with him again… there’s nothing wrong in hanging out with a boy from school, he hangs out with Bambam and Yugyeom constantly. Sure he is lying to his parents, there’s no excuse to this but he is young, he supposes that it’s normal to teenagers lie to their parents about little things once in a while, normal to have secrets.

Youngjae feels guilty, not because he is lying to them, he doesn’t care about honesty when it comes to his parents, not with a tiny thing like this they don’t have an open relationship in which they can talk about everything anyways. But he is scared that he is doing something bigger than that, that he is sinning, the feeling that he is disappointing God by being- by acting the way he wants to act. It’s just the way Jaebum makes him feel, the things he wants to do with him- “Stop playing with your food, son.” His mom tells him, he had almost forgotten that he was sitting on their dining room with them.

“Why are you smiling at yourself like that since you got home?” His father narrows his eyes at him from across the table, Youngjae hates it so much, hates how his father pays attention to everything, wants to control even his facial expressions. It’s suffocating in a way he can’t explain.

“Hum, it’s nothing I’m just happy that we don’t have school for-”

“Of course, you kids these days are so lazy even the thought of not studying will get you smiling like fools. Don’t forget you have to be up early tomorrow, you two have,” he says pointing at Youngjae and at his sister, “you have to help on the winter coat distribution, I will drive you at six.”

“Six? Dad-” Jihyo can’t even protest, the look their father sends her makes the girl shut her mouth instantly.

“You better go to bed already so you can rest properly, it will be a lot of work,” Youngjae smiles reassuringly at his sister, he will be fucked by going out with Jaebum tonight, probably won’t be getting much sleep but it’s fine, he can deal with it and he wouldn’t let his sister work by herself, at least they will have each other tomorrow.

Youngjae takes advantage of his father bad mood and pretends that he’s going to sleep, he doesn’t know what he should wear. Well, it’s not a special occasion, he should dress normally but he kinda wants to look good. Youngjae knows he shouldn’t be doing this, if he is hanging out with a friend he shouldn’t put much thought on what he wears, so he just get some random clothes, his beanie, scarf and his gloves, he looks like a penguin, it will probably be difficult to not fall on his butt when he has to leave but it’s too cold, it will have to do.

At least he doesn’t look like he is trying to seduce anyone, he looks comfy and uninterested, yeah this is good. Before he can leave his room Youngjae gets on his knees so he can pray, he doesn’t apologize for anything, he doesn’t feel like he has to, not yet anyways. _God, I’m doing something that I probably shouldn’t… but I just want to feel, I want to feel something for once and I want it to be my choice. Don’t let me do anything that I will regret later… it will be the last time, I promise, I just want to do it once, just once. Don’t let dad found out about it either, please I… take care of me tonight, please. Amen._

Youngjae can see Jaebum’s car as soon as he is out of his house, he feels butterflies in his stomach, probably just the thrill of sneaking out. When he gets into the car Jaebum looks so happy, his eyes are shining, Youngjae wants to coo at him. “Someone is early, scared I would leave without you?”

Youngjae makes a face, “No, idiot, I just should make it up to you too since last time I didn’t show up. Anyways don’t start the car yet, we have to sort some things out.”

“Oh god no, you think too much, let’s just go we can talk about whatever later,” Jaebum is about to start the car but Youngjae stops him holding his hand, it shouldn’t feel intimate but it does so he drops his hand quickly after getting his attention.

“No, we will talk now. I want to know why you want to hang out with me, why you are doing this. Don’t come with that ‘similar’ talk again, alright? Be honest, if this is some bet and you are planning on dropping green goo on my head in front of everyone say it already,”

Jaebum laughs loudly, he laughs with his entire body as if this Youngjae’s joking, “What? Green goo? Really?” He is laughing so hard Youngjae almost smiles but this is serious, he shouldn’t laugh. “Choi, this is so 80s, people don’t do this anymore. And alright I will admit that me saying we want to be free was somewhat dramatic and cliche, but it’s true, isn't it? You want to be free, I can give it so you, so we both win.”

Youngjae thinks for a second, it makes no sense to him and last time it hurt him so bad, the way Jaebum spoke to him made him feel like he was insignificant, he doesn’t want to go through it again so he should take it out of his way right now, “You could hang out with literally anyone you want, it doesn’t have to be me. How do we both win? I don’t see you winning anything, Jaebum.”

“God, you’re lucky you are so cute cos you’re also so damn annoying too, stop overthinking everything. I already told you I just want to… listen, yeah I can hang out with whoever I want but it’s not right, as you like to say. I don’t feel-- I don’t care about them not really, I love Jackson and Jinyoung, they are my best friends and everything, but the things I want to do- I want to do them with you. Are we clear? I just want to spend time with _you,_ can we go now?” Jaebum doesn’t sound or look as happy as he looked when he got here, it’s obviously that talking about how he feels about something is not easy for him. He looks constipated as if he wants to be anywhere but here.

“Okay... it’s that really all?” Youngjae just wants to be sure he won’t press it anymore, Jaebum sighs exasperated.

“Well, I also want to fuck you, but ah-” he smirks when Youngjae tries to protest, “I know you won’t give in so easily, I can wait.”

Youngjae feels himself going pale, he can’t believe Jaebum just said that to him, he is so embarrassed right now. “I-- you- shouldn’t wait for anything, Jaebum! We won’t- ever, we won’t do this! We won’t ever do this!”

“Whatever you say, Choi.” Jaebum says smugly, “we better go now though, I doubt you want someone to see us here.” Before he can start the car though, he’s looking at Youngjae, one of his hands on the younger boy’s cheek. “I’m really sorry about that day at the parking lot. I will be my best self-tonight, won’t make you cr- anyways I’ll make sure you enjoy yourself.”

Youngjae doesn’t know what to say so he just nods, he isn’t angry anymore, the anger left his body as soon as he saw Jaebum earlier today. His soft hand on his face and he is an even softer expression is messing with Youngjae, he can’t think straight, so he nods again, Jaebum finally starts the car.

“Let’s go then,” Jaebum gives him a final smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- for some reason this is my favorite chapter so far so i really hope you enjoy it  
> \- btw thx for commenting for real it keeps me motivated so thank u!!!!


	5. Titanic

“Hum, where are we?” Youngjae asks, he knows where they are, the city that’s it, they drove for more than one hour so they could get to the largest city on their region, but he doesn’t know exactly where in the city they are, it’s a really colorful and noisy avenue filled with young people.

“We are at the best amusement arcade in the whole city, it’s so big they have so many machines you will go crazy,” it’s chilly so Jaebum is walking him to the door of the building really closely. He just gets into the place even though it has a ‘closed’ sign on.

“Jaebum? What the-- are we breaking in?” He freezes not getting in, he is not about to be arrested for getting into an amusement arcade in another city, his father would definitely kill him. Jaebum just laughs trying to get him to move again but without success.

“Jesus, if we were breaking in would the door be unlocked? Come on, Choi. We are supposed to be here, don’t worry, alright?” Youngjae follows him in, the boy is incredibly worried, there’s no one around, how is this place open so late in the night without no one inside? Youngjae holds on Jaebum’s arm as if the boy is responsible for keeping him safe and out of jail. “So, what do you think?”

The place is huge, there’s a lot, really a lot of machines, Youngjae knows that they wouldn’t have the time to play in each one of them even if they stayed here for a entire day, there are so many lights too, it’s colorful and new, looks like a place made by and for rich people. “Well… I like it? I- I just, wasn’t expecting for this?” Jaebum looks at him puzzled.

“Don’t you like games? We can-- I mean, we can go somewhere else if you don’t like it, it’s a Choi Day, after all.” Youngjae smiles brightly, yeah it’s a Choi Day, while they were driving here Jaebum was listening to some weird ass punk music and it was driving the younger boy crazy, so they established that it would be a Choi Day so it would be up to Youngjae do decide what songs they would listen to, how warm the car would be, what they would eat and just about everything else would be his decision. Well, Youngjae established it, Jaebum just let him pick the songs and play with the heater.

“It’s not that I don’t like it, I do, very much so actually, honestly we should start playing right now! It’s just… I thought you would want to do something else? I don’t know dude, by the songs we were listening at the car you could as well have taken me to a cemetery to perform some rituals.” It makes Jaebum smile, his confidence coming back. Youngjae didn’t really think that they would be going to a cemetery, but he did think they would go to a fancy restaurant, he is glad it was not what Jaebum picked.

“Nah, it’s way too soon to introduce you to all my satanic rituals, maybe another time.” Youngjae slaps him hard, it’s not that he is scared of things like that but he was taught to be scared of it… so he isn’t scared but he didn’t like it either.

Jaebum lets him pick the games they will play, all of them, everything it’s Youngjae’s choice. They start by playing Police 911 and it sucks, Youngjae has the worst aim in the world, it’s good that Jaebum isn’t so good either, still, he is better at it and Youngjae hates it. When Youngjae finds Mortal Kombat though it changes completely, he wins literally every time, Jaebum has no idea how to activate super powers all he can do is kick and throw punches. Youngjae almost loses it, he laughs so hard, he doesn’t remember ever having so much fun.

He used to go to amusement arcades when he was a kid with Bambam, the other boy’s mom would take them and her other kids, but then Youngjae’s father forbade it, saying it was a kind of addiction, so it’s been quite some time since he played like this, still Jaebum can’t beat him, well just at the games in which you need to shoot.

After some time Youngjae realizes something weird, something he should have realized as soon as they got here. “Hey, why there’s no one else here?”

Jaebum’s ear redden a little, suddenly the screen machine is the most interesting thing in the universe, “I thought you wouldn’t notice… you see this place closes at eight, but I- I kinda… reserved it? The owner is in the back, he knows we are already here… anyways we can play for as long as we want and it’s just the two of us, so don’t worry about anyone seeing us together.”

That’s not what he’s worried about at the moment, Youngjae stops playing altogether so he can look at Jaebum, he holds the other boy’s arm so he can stop too, he won’t let him win easily like that. “You did what? Why did you do this? Dude, are you trying to show off? You know you don’t have to, I already know you’re rich also we could have gone somewhere else, you shouldn’t waste money doing things like that for me-”

Jaebum is looking at him as well now, “But you like it, video games, right? I wanted to do something nice for you after everything…”

Youngjae doesn’t mean to but he kinda coos at Jaebum, the older boy makes a face and he can’t stop the laugh that scapes him. “Oh god, this is so cute. Ok, I appreciate it, next time you don’t have to go overboard like that though. Anyways, how do you even know I like video games? I don’t remember ever telling you about this.”

Jaebum’s ears were red before but now his entire face is, “doesn’t matter, I heard about it so I thought it would be nice, don’t think about it. Let’s play something else this is boring.” Heard around, right, Youngjae doesn’t believe it for a second, people don’t talk about him around, people talk about Jaebum not about Youngjae, but he will let it slide just this once.

They play a race game, it’s like you are in a car driving and it’s pathetic for Jaebum, he is the one risking his life every week on a real car but he can’t win, he hardly can drive on the game, he keeps hitting the car or just losing control of it even though there’s no obstacles. “God, you suck at it too, I can’t even drive a real car and still I’m beating your ass again. Such a loser Im Jaebum.” Youngjae says it laughing around a bag of Doritos Jaebum got him. The other boy looks unimpressed.

“The real thing is completely different from this, you brat. This game isn’t realistic at all,” Jaebum is sulking, and it’s cute, too cute.

“I like it,” Youngjae says after Jaebum loses for the third time, Jaebum makes a face as if he doesn’t understand what Youngjae likes. “You-”

“Wow, that was faster than I thought it would be,” Jaebum smirks.

“No, not you, I mean I like it when it’s just the two of us and you don’t try to act cool or anything you know trying to be someone you're not, you laugh with your entire body and face, you look happier, you’re way warmer like this.” Youngjae is smiling but Jaebum isn’t smiling anymore, on the contrary now he looks exactly the way Youngjae doesn’t like it, his face is not just blank, no, it’s cold, he looks angry now, just the way he does when he is with his friends.

“I’m not,” he mumbles and then he is starting a new game almost breaking the machine with how hard he is hitting the buttons, Youngjae doesn’t know what he did wrong, but he doesn’t want Jaebum to act like this, not with him.

Youngjae tries getting closer to him, let their arms touch, anything but nothing works, Jaebum’s still looking like he had to suck a lemon. So Youngjae starts poking him with his elbow lightly till he looks at him, he doesn’t look pleased at all. Ok, so it asks for desperate measures, Youngjae makes puppy eyes at him, pouting a little, he knows it worked the moment Jaebum’s face lightens up even if it’s just a little. He learned it from the bests, read Bambam and Yugyeom, but since he is older than them it never worked, this is the first time it actually works with someone, Youngjae feels powerful.

“I’m sorry if I said something that upset you, didn’t mean to ruin Choi Day.” The pout grows stronger.

“Ah, don’t look at me like this. Can’t believe you are acting cute trying to play me so soon into whatever it is,” he gestures between them, Youngjae doesn’t drop the look on his face, Jaebum sighs defeated. “You didn’t ruin anything, it’s just that my mom is a psychologist I’ve had enough of her analyzing everything I do, the way I react to stuff and to people. She is so sure that I’m closed off, that I don’t let people in because my asshole of a father left us when I was eight, so you know apparently I have a fear of abandonment or some shit… but really I don’t try to act in any way around other people, it’s just the way I am. It doesn’t have to be so deep. But if you start analyzing things between us… I will probably not be so comfortable and fuck things up pretty soon.”

Youngjae gets it, he won’t call Jaebum out on it and say that it is probably that deep, and that he probably does shut people out so they don’t get too close, it explains why he always looks so lonely. He really doesn’t think this is the right time to get into this. “Ah, I don’t think I expressed myself correctly, I meant to say that you are even colder _with me,_ that you’re always shutting _me_ down, so maybe you should warm up to me, it’s not that you are already warmer.” They both know this is not what he said, yet Jaebum smiles at him as if this was the best thing Youngjae could have said in a moment like this. “Anyways let’s try the boxing machine, you have to be good at something.”

Turns out he isn’t, Youngjae does cry from laughter this time, Jaebum is so weak even Youngjae who has never got into a fight in his life is able to score two hundred points more than him. “How are you out there breaking other people’s noses? Where are your muscles at, Jaebum? Show me your strength, come on I know you can do it,” Youngjae tries to cheer Jaebum but he is actually trying to be a little shit and disturb the other boy, Jaebum doesn’t like noise when he is trying to concentrate. It works quite well, since he gets an even worse score. Youngjae laughs supporting himself on Jaebum’s shoulder.

“How can you be so bad at this? You are bad at everything!” Jaebum should be angry, Youngjae knows he gets angry easily but instead he is laughing with Youngjae as if he loses it’s okay for once.

“Maybe I’m just letting you win, since it’s a Choi Day,” Jaebum has the biggest smile on his face, his eyes are almost nonexistent now.

“Sure you are. Anyways we should get going, it’s so late at this rate I will get like four hours of sleep tops.”

“Why is that? We don’t have class tomorrow,” Jaebum doesn’t look like he wants to go, he looks disappointed, Youngjae is too.

“Oh, tomorrow there’s a charity event at the church, I will be volunteering with my sister, we start at six, so I really should get home soon. Sorry,”

“Your first-day school free and you will wake up at dawn to volunteer, you really are an angel, aren’t you?” Jaebum doesn’t look as upset as before, he just starts guiding Youngjae out of the building. It’s so cold outside, Youngjae wants to go back inside as soon as they get out of it.

“It’s not like that, my father is forcing us to go, not such an angel.” Youngjae assures him, which makes Jaebum laugh telling him that this is good news he would get a complex if Youngjae was just that perfect.

They drive in silence for almost twenty minutes, Youngjae is tired and his eyes are getting heavy, “Hey, so I know it’s pretty cold, but there’s a thing Jackson loves doing and that I think you would like too,” Youngjae waits for him to conclude whatever it is but he doesn’t not until the boy asks him to.

“Jackson always asks me to slide the ragtop of the car so he can open his arms while he signs to some dumb song, he says it makes him feel like he is flying, maybe… I think you would like it too.” Huh, Youngjae thinks it’s dangerous, he doesn’t do dangerous things except that now it seems as he does, since the day he got into Jaebum’s car for the first time it’s like all the choices he makes are dangerous, it’s worrying but exciting too.

“Ok, let me pick a song first,” Youngjae has his phone connected to the car audio system, he looks on his Spotify account for a while till he finds _it._ “Alright, slide the ragtop now,” Youngjae takes off his beanie afraid it will fly off from his head, the wind is so cold and so strong he almost regrets it instantly, but he wants to do this.

“So, I know you’re driving and that you can’t be the Jack to my Rose, but I’m about to fly too.” Then ‘my heart will go on’ starts playing and Jaebum is laughing yelling a _I can’t believe it Choi._ And Youngjae doesn’t care, he is crouching on the seat opening his arms, the wind is too cold for this, maybe it isn’t as pleasant as it could be if it was warmer but still it’s pretty good. Youngjae sings with Celine Dion at the top of his lungs, he makes a shitty work of it since he is shaking and he is a little scared that he will fall, but Jaebum is laughing even though he is paying attention to the road so Youngjae laughs too, singing loudly missing every bit.

Youngjae’s arms are spread wide open, he loved their night but this might be the best moment of it, Jackson is right this feels like flying. “I’m flying, Jack!”

“Stop with that,” he still laughing though, “come down here, that’s enough I don’t want you getting a cold,” Youngjae sits back down just when the song is over though. The ragtop wasn’t slid open for even five minutes yet Youngjae can’t stop shaking, Jaebum sets the heater at its highest and also holds one of Youngjae’s hands on his, trying to warm it up. It doesn’t take them too long to get to Youngjae’s place, everything is so dark here, so silent, so different from the atmosphere they were in just a few minutes ago.

“I had a lot of fun, thanks for treating me to a Choi Day, it might be my favorite day of the year now,” Jaebum smiles at him, it’s nice, since Youngjae commented on the way Jaebum acted around him he’s been scared that the older would change it since he got grumpy right after it, but no, Jaebum is being even softer and warm if that’s even possible.

Youngjae tries opening the door, but again it’s locked. “I-- hum, did you have fun tonight? Like really? Am I forgiven for… you know being a dick and shit?”

“Dude, you were forgiven already I was just taking advantage of your guilt,” Youngjae wiggles his eyebrows at him, really it’s not that it was okay, Youngjae was truly hurt by the way Jaebum acted the other day but he wasn’t angry anymore, he gets it now.

Jaebum unlocks the door for him but he doesn’t seem to be done just yet, “Since that was our first date, will you kiss me now that it’s over and that you had _such_ a good time with me?”

Youngjae blushes furiously, “It was not a date, Jaebum! I won’t kiss you, we were just hanging out like friends do, have a good night!” He won’t kiss Jaebum but it doesn’t feel right just leaving so he squeezes his arm twice, it’s awkward, no one says goodbye by squeezing the other person’s arm but he does. Jaebum doesn’t mind, he looks happy, happier now than the entire night, he looks pleased with himself having the confirmation that he made a good job.

Jaebum tells him that he will see him later and Youngjae runs to his house, it’s not that easy to climb to his room, not with all these layers of clothes but he tries to be as noiseless as possible. Even though he has to be up in less than four hours it takes Youngjae ages to be able to fall asleep, all he can hear in his head when he closes his eyes is Jaebum’s voice saying ‘first date’, he tells himself it was definitely not a date but he can’t keep the smile off of his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- i honestly hope u like it, i had such a bad day i just wanted to write something nice/sweet i don't even know if i succeeded on it but it made me feel a little better  
> \- btw they are teenagers boys so they will act like teenagers boys...  
> \- anyways thxxx for reading it


	6. Start praying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you should be aware of the tags, the domestic violence one, there might be triggering stuff in this chapter, if you think it might trigger you in any way please don't read it

It’s too cold and it’s still dark out there, Youngjae is almost falling asleep on the car again, he’s so tired, he would do anything to just go back to his bed and sleep for ten more hours. “You went to bed pretty early yesterday, isn’t sleep ever too much for you? Laziness is a sin,” His father says, he doesn’t look interested though, easy for him to say when he will go back home and sleep for few more hours.

His father leaves them at the church driving off a few minutes later, there are some people here already, Youngjae is walking slowly with Jihyo by his side, she is sleepy too but not as much as he is, he keeps yawning. Youngjae sees Anna who smiles and wave at them, right behind her back he sees Jaebum walking closely to her. It can’t be, Youngjae must be dreaming still, he rubs his eyes trying to get hide of the image in front of him, but it doesn’t work Jaebum is still there right in front of his eyes when he opens them again. Maybe he is getting delusional, seeing the other boy everywhere-

“What is Im Jaebum doing here? At the Church? It’s six in the morning! Are you seeing this too, Jae?” Jihyo also rubs her eyes just like he did. So maybe Youngjae isn’t the only one seeing things here. Anna greets them with a warm smile on her face telling them just how happy she is that they’ve come to help, of course she is, Jihyo and Youngjae can’t stop staring at Jaebum though and Anna notices it.

“Oh, this is Jaebum, do you guys know him?” Of course, they do, everyone does and Anna knows that but she is being nice, acting as if Jaebum isn’t a known person in town and not exactly for being the type who volunteers in a charity event. “Jaebum this is Youngjae and Jihyo they will be helping us here as well,”

Youngjae and Jihyo greet him, his sister still looks puzzled but she is trying to act cool, Jaebum talks to her but he doesn’t take his eyes off Youngjae even for a second, doesn’t he know that everyone here will notice it if he doesn’t keep it down?

“Hey, Anna, shouldn’t we start? Some families are getting here already so…” Jaebum’s eyes are burning holes on Youngjae’s face and all he wants it’s to get away from him as soon as possible. That’s when he realizes that Jaebum has his beanie on, the one he forgot on his car last night, his eyes almost fall from his face he can’t believe Jaebum is doing this to him. It seems like he sister notices it at the same time as he does.

“Oh! Jaebum, I love your beanie, my brother has one just like that! It’s like the same, really,”

“Thanks, I actually-”

“Ok, I will be working on the distribution of blankets and coats, right? I will go to my spot over there then,” Youngjae stops them from talking even more and Jaebum from saying something he should not say. Anna explains to them that Youngjae will work with some other boys on the distribution of winter supplies while Jihyo will register people and families so they can know who got what and make sure everyone gets what they need, Jaebum will work at the kitchen serving people, which is nice for Youngjae so they won’t be close to each other and he won’t do anything that will give them away. Whatever is it that they have to be given away anyways.

Anna and Jihyo leave in the same direction, a direction Jaebum should also go to before Youngjae can leave him as well Jaebum is holding his wrist, his fingers surrounding it completely, Youngjae can’t stop looking down at it. “Don’t do this here! Jaebum-” he then looks to side to side but no one seems to be paying them attention. Jaebum lets go of him.

“Chill, I just- I don’t even have anything to say, to be honest, I just didn’t want you to leave already, can’t we... I don’t know, talk for a bit?” Now that Youngjae can look at him better Jaebum doesn’t even look as tired as Youngjae is, his eyes are a bit red but that’s it, he doesn’t look too sleepy as if he just woke up.

“Talk? We have work to do here… Jaebum have you slept at all last night?” Jaebum doesn’t answer he just smirks, Youngjae can’t believe anything that is happening to him today. “Ok, I have to go, you... don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

“Sure thing, I will talk to you later, Choi. I didn’t come here to make sure I got my spot reserved in heaven, you know that, right? Don’t leave without talking to me. I mean it.”

Youngjae wants to protest he shouldn’t be talking to Jaebum in public not even if it’s in the church, not like that. But Jaebum makes things in a way he can’t really say not to, so he just nods, he doesn’t mean to but he smiles at Jaebum who smiles back, he’s looking at Youngjae with stars in his eyes. When the boy catches himself smiling like a fool he drops the smile altogether and just walks off. Not the time for it.

The morning goes by terribly slow, there’s a lot of people here so there’s a lot of work to do, Youngjae can’t stop thinking about Jaebum just a few meters away from him serving food, working just like everyone else here is. He can’t imagine what made Jaebum come all the way here, they saw each other less than four hours ago, he can’t be missing Youngjae or anything, even if he likes the idea of it, it just can’t be it.

Still he does his works as best as he can even if he is a little distracted, it’s comforting knowing that they are doing something good for these people, he knows they can’t help everyone in the world and that it’s not enough but he is glad they can do something at least, he didn’t want to come but it’s good that he did, it makes him feel less useless.

It doesn’t change the fact that the morning seems to never be over, Youngjae is exhausted by the time they are done with their work, he’s been in his feet the entire morning. He talks with some of his friends, they aren’t exactly close but he has known them for most of his life, then he goes around looking for Jihyo so they can call their father and leave already, of course, Jaebum founds him first.

“You aren’t leaving, are you? I remember telling you to not do that,” Jaebum says in his ear from his back, Youngjae almost has a heart attack turning quickly to scowl at the other, he hates how Jaebum doesn’t make any noise when he walks.

“I wasn’t leaving, I’m just looking for my sister, did you-” Jihyo finds them just then and Youngjae doesn’t know if he grateful or disappointed by it, he won’t get to talk to Jaebum at all, he won’t admit it but he was looking forward to it, a little, even if he planned on leaving just seconds ago.

“Hey, Jihyo, I was talking to your brother, we want to go to the diner over the corner to have milkshakes, I’m pretty sure they have nice breakfast food there, wanna go?” Jaebum has a charming smile on his face.

“My brother agreed to it? Wow, Jaebum your sweet talk must be really good, sure let’s go.” Jihyo even claps her hands excitedly, this is like a nightmare it’s not exactly that bad but it’s not good either, nothing feels real except that it is real and Youngjae won’t be waking up from this anytime soon.

“Jae, order a strawberry milkshake for me and some pancakes, you know how I like it, I will go to the ladies’ room, be right back,” Jihyo says even before they can find a booth in the diner.

“That helps things for me, here I have something to you,” Jaebum takes a brand new iPhone from his coat and gives it Youngjae. Does he wants Youngjae’s number? Didn’t he explain to him that he doesn’t have his phone with him already? “Won’t you hide it? Your sister will be back and-”

“What do you mean hide it? What do-” He’s so confused right now, everything is confusing.

“Youngjae,” Jaebum rolls his eyes as if Youngjae is being obnoxious in purpose, “that’s for you, so we can speak whenever we want, don’t let your dear father find out though. My number is already there and I will pay the bill so don’t worry about shit like that, just make use of it as you want.”

Youngjae gasps at him giving the phone back, someone might be pranking him or this is really just an over-elaborated dream. “You got me a phone? Why would you do that? I can’t accept it, no way, take it back right now!” Youngjae whispers but he wishes he could yell at the other boy’s face, this is getting out of hand.

“You make such a big deal of everything,” he rolls his eyes again, “just take it or I will give it to you in front of your sister and you’ll have to explain why I’m giving you a phone, so what will it be?” Jaebum looks smug like he knows he won, he always wins over Youngjae when it comes to these dumb games he likes to play. Youngjae looks in the direction Jihyo went and hides the phone on his coat so no one will see it. He doesn’t look happy though, he scowls at Jaebum for the third time today. “Don’t look at me like that, I got myself it when it was released and my mom also got me one, it’s no big deal. Also this is a selfish gift, I’m thinking about how much it will benefit _me.”_

“So now what? You will give me expensive stuff like it’s nothing just because you can?” Youngjae mumbles looking down at the menu, they order their food, Youngjae just asks for an orange juice, he doesn’t feel like eating anything. “By the way, you shouldn’t be using my beanie, what’s wrong with you?” He eyes the accessory on Jaebum’s head, it looks good, Jaebum looks good on anything but he looks particularly good wearing something that belongs to Youngjae, not that he will ever admit it out loud.

Youngjae sees his sister approaching, he thinks Jaebum will be quiet but of course he doesn’t care about anything but being an annoying piece of shit. “Do you want me to give it back now? I think your sister will find it weird, huh? Anyways, answering your question from before, I can give you expensive presents, be your sugar daddy if you want.” Jaebum says it with a straight face at the same time that Jihyo sits in front of them.

Youngjae chokes on nothing, “What is this talk about a sugar daddy?” She doesn’t look as suspicious or anything, on the contrary, she looks amused.

“It’s nothing… we were just talking about a show where this girl gets an ugly old man to buy her stuff and…” He really doesn’t know how to lie, at least not like that when he doesn’t have something prepared to say.

“Right. Anyways, Jaebum I didn’t know you cared about causes like charity, how did you know the church would be holding it today?” Jihyo is smiling nicely while Youngjae is scared out of his body, he can’t come up with lies like that but Jaebum seems to be able to, he doesn’t even look nervous, he looks as charming as always like he is always lying and this is nothing new for him.

“Oh but I do, I care very much about helping people in need so I talked about this passion of mine with your brother and he told me to come, I’m so happy he did, the satisfaction of helping people keeps me going,” Youngjae rolls his eyes, Jaebum is so over the top.

“I didn’t know you two were friends-” they get their food and the conversation changes, Jihyo and Jaebum start talking about the best diners in the city and in the region, Youngjae just nods at everything they say. It’s like he is not even here, like he is watching everything on a TV screen. The phone is burning in his pocket, it’s so new and so expensive, can’t even compare it to Youngjae’s own at home old and with a cracked screen. The fact that Jaebum gave it to him so they could talk is messing with his head, also Jaebum being in a diner with him and his sister after helping on a church event is all too much, Youngjae just wants to go home so he can think about what is happening, right now it doesn’t seem real.

Things get even worse when Jaebum offers to drive them home, Youngjae refuses but Jihyo says she is too cold to walk, Jaebum smiles victoriously while Youngjae feels like dying, Jaebum is really everywhere, in everything he looks at even if he’s not delusional.

When they are driving Jaebum puts his right hand on Youngjae’s thigh, the boy can’t breathe for a long second, he can’t really beat it away cos if Jihyo didn’t notice it yet she will definitely notice if he makes a big deal of it. He looks at Jaebum from the corner of his eyes trying to let him know that he shouldn’t be doing things like that but Jaebum doesn’t even look his way, he drives using just one hand as if this is the most natural thing in the world for them to do, but he didn’t do it not even yesterday when they were by themselves, why is he torturing Youngjae today?

“Thanks for the ride and for treating us to brunch, Jaebum. You’re way nicer than people make you up to be,” Jihyo smiles at him and Jaebum smiles back, at this point Youngjae has no hopes that she didn’t see his hand still on Youngjae’s thigh so he just sighs and thanks Jaebum as well. The door isn’t locked for once. Jaebum squeezes his thigh before letting go though.  

Jihyo is clinging to his arm because of the cold wind, when they get into the warmth of their house they’re surprised to find their parents on the living room, the TV isn’t on, they are just sitting there. “Come here you two,” his father doesn’t even look at them, it can’t be good.

Youngjae and Jihyo stand in front of their parents, it’s silent for a few seconds till his father is standing up as well, he has a wooden spoon in his hand, his sister's eyes fix on it, Youngjae is ready to start running. “Where were you at?”

“At- at the church, you left us there, dad--” Jihyo stutters, her eyes filled with tears.

“Yeah? And why didn’t you call me to pick you up?” He asks, their mother sits in the couch her face unreadable. “I suppose you don’t need your phone if you won’t use it,” he says the last part for Jihyo since she is the only who still has her phone with her.

“We just walked home-”

“Anna gave us a lift-” They say at the same time, eyes widening when their father’s face closes, even more, they don’t have time to even think about running before he is hitting their legs with the wooden spoon, “No, dad sorry we-”

“You two are lying to us now?” His mother asks getting up as well, Youngjae knows there’s no use trying to run to his room at this point, “Which one of you is lying?”

Jihyo is already crying, she is so tiny standing beside Youngjae he doesn’t want her to get hurt and it’s his fault that they are in this situation anyways, “It’s me, mom, I’m lying we walked home, I just didn’t want to worry you because it’s cold so I said Anna-” hit again.

“You know there’s no good lie, there’s no white fib to god, don’t you know? If you lie about it soon you will be lying about bigger things,” his father is yelling his face red already, he looks terrifying, “I didn’t raise my kids to be liars, to be sinners.” He hits both of them again, now on their stomachs, it hurts so bad, Youngjae feels like he’s about to throw up, he doesn’t cry though.

“Dad, I already said I was the one lying, you don’t have to hit Jihyo anymore--” the older man slaps him right in the face, making Youngjae bite at the corner of his mouth, he can feel blood on his tongue.

“Will you tell me how to discipline my own kid now, you punk?” Hit by the spoon again. “It’s funny that you say that you walked home when I know for a fact that the event was over almost two hours ago,” Youngjae’s eyes bulge, even more, it can’t be how would he know- “did it take you this long to walk here, Choi Youngjae?” He doesn’t even see it when his father slaps him in the face again, it doesn’t hurt as much as the first one anyways.

Jihyo gets in between them, she is crying so hard Youngjae just wants to protect her but he can’t even protect himself, she is the one trying to protect him. “We went-- we just wanted some ice cream-- dad, we--we lost track of time, please don’t hit Jae anymore, please,” then he is hitting her with the spoon again.

“This is how liars are made,” their mother starts talking her tone way calmer than her husband’s, “it all start with little lies, soon you will be lying about everything, you will be sneaking out to smoke, to do whatever is it that delinquents like him do these days. We won’t allow it,”

“What-”

“We know you were out with that Jaebum kid,” his father growls, “even calling him kid… it doesn’t fit, does it? He is like a demon, and I want to know why my children were riding around the city with them!” His father yells, punctuating every word with a hit on their legs, of course that would happen. “I went to pick you up and Anna was kind enough to let me know that you two had gotten a ride already, imagine how embarrassed I was… my kids with that boy!” Youngjae should know better than to risk things like this. They try explaining that Jaebum was actually helping them at the church, but their father won’t even let them speak, saying that there’s no excuse for them to lie so they can spend time with someone like Jaebum.

“Get on your knees, the both of you.” His mother says after their father has had enough of hitting them, she doesn’t specific where but they know their spot, in front of the fireplace, it’s warm here, too warm for comfort they couldn’t even take their coats off when they got home, Jihyo didn’t stop crying even for a second. “I don’t know why are you two behaving this way, I suppose it’s normal for teenagers wanting to rebel,” she clicks her tongue, “but not my kids, you better remember why you’re different from other kids. You can start praying now,”

It’s been years since the last time they were punished like this, kneeling in front of the fireplace, sometimes it would be over corns or rice, not today though, it seems like they don’t deserve it, not yet anyways. But they always have to pray, for hours, till their parents think it’s enough for them to be forgiven by God.

Jihyo has stopped crying by now, it’s been hours but she’s still hiccuping, every part of Youngjae’s body hurts, even though they have to pray out loud his mind is somewhere else, he thinks about everything he would be doing if he wasn’t here, if he wasn’t born in this family, he imagines how would it be like if he could run away with Jaebum, unconsciously he starts praying for this, maybe god will look his way, maybe Jaebum will like him so much one day that he will take him away from all of this, maybe he will save Youngjae from his life.

It’s already dark when their mother says that they can go to their rooms, she doesn’t look at them, doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t even acknowledge them or what they did. “I’m sorry for putting us in this situation, I shouldn’t have agreed-” Youngjae starts hugging Jihyo in front of her room.

“It’s not your fault how they treat us, Jae. I’m the one who is sorry, I should be a better older sister to you,” then she is crying again, but Youngjae is done with it, it’s not her fault either and he tells her so, she says she has to lie down so they should talk later, Youngjae has to lie down too, his knees and back are hurting so bad, he can barely walk all the way to his own room.

Youngjae had all but forgotten about the phone on the inside pocket of his coat, when he is taking the coat off he sees it, there’s a bunch of texts from Jaebum.

 

**_The Coolest Im Jaebum -_ **

_hey choi (01:17 PM)_

_how do u like ur new phone? (01:17 PM)_

 

_will u really ignore me? (2:44 PM)_

 

_come on r u mad????????? if u dont use this phone just to make a point i’ll be so mad at u (2:56 PM)_

 

_ok im sorry shouldnt have forced u to take it or whatever (2:58 PM)_

_whatever i have to sleep (2:58 PM)_

 

_u better talk to me (5:59 PM)_

 

_stop ignoring me choi (8:34 PM)_

 

Youngjae feels a single tear rolling down his face, he gets up just to make sure his door is locked, he feels a little dizzy, all he had today was that orange juice, but he doesn’t feel like going to the kitchen and facing his parents right now. He goes back to his bed so he can call Jaebum, it doesn’t take long for him to pick up. “Oh, so are you done being a little shit?” He sounds a little bitter.

Youngjae wants to reply but he can’t there’s a lump on his throat stopping him from saying anything, “Hey, Choi, are you there?” He knows Jaebum can hear his breathing though. “Are you mad at me? Sorry, I mean, yeah, I was kind of imposing myself on you today, sorry should have given you a little space, I just wanted to see you again, you know-”

“I’m not mad, don’t worry-” A sob scapes his mouth, it’s ridiculous, he held it the entire day, he didn’t cry, didn’t drop even one tear while his father hit them but now just the sound of Jaebum’s voice will make him cry like a kid. He feels so humiliated, Jaebum’s voice reminds him of how lonely he is.

“What happened? Hey, Choi, are you alright? Did something happen? Was it because I showed up at the church thing?” Jaebum sounds so worried about him, no one is ever worried about Youngjae, not like that, not as if he is something important, it makes him cry harder, “Baby… talk to me, what’s wrong?”

“There's nothing is wrong… you were the only good thing that happened today, it’s not about it… just talk to me, Jaebum, about anything… just talk to me.” It’s true, even though his father only hit them because of Jaebum that was the only good thing to happen, he won’t say that it was worth it cos his sister got hurt too, but he treasures the moments they spent together.

“Anything?” Jaebum sounds unsure so he asks if everything is fine again Youngjae just hums in reply, so he doesn’t press anymore probably realizing that he won’t get anything with it. “Ok, want to hear about my… my first day at kindergarten?”

Jaebum tells him he had watched a Hulk movie the night prior with his father, so when he got at the kindergarten in his first day he wanted to show the other kids how cool he was, way cooler than the rest of them, so he used green paint on his entire face but it wasn’t quite enough, he had to drank the paint to have his tongue green as well, he had to be rushed to the hospital, his father was livid. The tears haven’t stopped completely, but Youngjae smiles at the story, kid Jaebum sounds pretentious and like a showoff just like present Jaebum is.

At first it’s a little awkward, as if Jaebum doesn’t know what to say, but soon he is telling the craziest stories, Youngjae thinks he is making up half of it but it’s alright, it’s alright because Jaebum’s voice is soft even through the phone, he doesn’t feel as lonely and as forlorn as he did before. The tears stop falling at some point and he will even contribute to the conversation at times, telling stories of his own, all of them involve Bambam getting him in trouble, Jaebum loves it, at least he seems to do. Youngjae falls asleep some hours later to the sound of Jaebum’s laugh, even though he feels small, as if he doesn’t have anything in his life he remembers thinking for a second that maybe he deserves this, hearing Jaebum laughing before falling asleep, maybe he isn’t so bad, maybe he deserves this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- this chapter is very heavy, i cried when i was writing it and when i had to revise it....... i doubt anyone will take any joy from it so im sorry but really that was necessary for the story to go on  
> \- i hope you still enjoying it somehow though?????? i will make it up to you all in the next chapter (mostly)


	7. Let me try it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before anything else pls support jaebum's new soundcloud album!! it's so good!! https://soundcloud.com/def_xxx/sets/1-vol2

Youngjae gets the things he needs from his closet, stuffing it on his coat, he thinks his coat is becoming kinda like his partner in crime hiding everything he needs. He knows he shouldn’t risk getting caught so soon after what happened last time but he is kinda angry in a way that he thinks he deserves this, also he has had this planned for some time he won’t back out now. The downside is having to ask for permission, it’s not like he’s ignoring his parents, he can’t do it anyways he would just get hit again, but he just talks to them when he really needs to and so does Jihyo, he guesses today is one of these situations in which he  _ really  _ needs to. 

“I wanted to go to Yugyeom’s… can I? It’s Christmas Eve and Bambam isn’t in town, I think he will appreciate it,” Youngjae says looking down at his hands, his mother is cooking at the kitchen by herself, he doesn’t look up at her face, his angry and he is afraid it will show on his face, he isn’t supposed to be insubordinate in any way.

“Ok, you can go, but don’t be back too late, be back before your father gets home.” Youngjae doesn’t have to look at her to know she has a firm look on her face, it doesn’t matter, he runs off as soon as she gives him permission. He wants to text Yugyeom to let him know he should cover for him but he can’t, not really, how will he explain that he got a new number? He also feels bad that he won’t be seeing the other boy, Youngjae really thinks he would appreciate the visit since he must really miss Bambam already, he will be a bad friend this time though, he will have to visit his friend another time. 

He will also have to pray for his parents to not suspect of anything and for everything to go right. So he does, he prays all the way, he is running like a lunatic through the streets, but it’s cold and running helps to warm up, also he is excited, kinda. Youngjae doesn’t think about all the reason he has to not be doing this, he just runs faster. 

He has never been to Jaebum’s house, but everyone knows where the boy lives, Youngjae does as well, he lives in the nicest neighborhood in town, it’s all about mansions and huge gardens, the cars passing by Youngjae are so expensive as well, he even stops running, he doesn’t want any of these people thinking he shouldn’t be here, well he shouldn’t but they shouldn’t call the police because of it. Youngjae rings the bell, the house is monstrously large he feels a little intimidate by it, but he is already here, no going back now. 

After a while he rings the bell again, he is getting antsy, maybe Jaebum isn’t in town? But he would have told Youngjae, they kinda talk a lot lately, he would mention something like spending Christmas with his family somewhere else. Just when he is about to ring the bell again a tall strong white lady is opening the door, “Yes, Sir?” 

“Ah-- It's hum, it’s Im Jaebum home?” He asks, she looks at him with narrowed eyes, before she can say anything Jaebum is coming from behind her, he looks curious but when he lays eyes on Youngjae his face breaks into a large smile. 

“Choi, what are you doing here? I mean, coming in already, let him in Margareth!” Both Jaebum, and the lady, Margareth it seems, stop blocking the way so Youngjae can go inside, he feels a little overwhelmed by how huge and white everything is, he can’t stop looking around. Margareth excuses herself to the kitchen so they are finally alone, not that it took long for them to be by themselves, but it’s been three days since they last saw each other, for some crazy reason Youngjae misses Jaebum’s face already. “So, what brings you here? God, you coming after me  _ first? _ It must be a Christmas miracle, really wasn’t expecting for a proof that god exists so early into this,”

“Har har, very funny. Anyways, sorry for coming unannounced but-” Youngjae won’t say that he just wanted to see Jaebum, that he’s been feeling down and he needed it, he won’t. “Honestly, I just wanted to give you this,” so he takes his coat off placing it on the couch and hands Jaebum a Stitch plush, it’s not too big or else he wouldn’t be able to hide it from his mother on the way here. Jaebum is looking at him freeze, he doesn’t take the toy from Youngjae, is it too much? Is he overstepping here? He can’t take it back now-

“What is this?” Jaebum doesn’t take his eyes off the plush but also doesn’t make any movement to take it. 

“A plushie?” Youngjae questions, it’s obvious that it’s a plush, isn’t Jaebum familiar with one? “Well, it’s a Christmas present for… I got it for you?” He hates how he is putting everything as a question but Jaebum is confusing him right now, he doesn’t say anything just stands there paralyzed looking at the plush on Youngjae’s hand, the boy just wants to drop it and leave already. “You don’t have to-”

“Why? I mean, why did you get me something?” Jaebum finally looks at him, his face is cold, just the bad boy’s look he gives everyone else, Youngjae doesn’t know what he was expecting but it wasn’t  _ that,  _ definitely not that, it makes him so nervous that he starts to word vomit. 

“I-- have you ever watched Lilo & Stitch? Everyone has, right? Anyways, do you know how Lilo asks for a friend, any friend really, she even says it can be an angel and then she gets Stitch? I mean I didn’t pray for a friend, I have my own friends already-- but you--” Jaebum raises both eyebrows at him, “You’re not an angel, I know it, but neither is Stitch, yet he is a good friend, the best friend to Lilo and you see I know we haven’t known each other for long, we’re… I- we are friends, right? The way you… god, this is pathetic, I can’t even express myself.” Youngjae takes a deep breath, he should have practiced it better. 

“What I mean to say is that Lilo got a friend who made her life better, and I got you… I think you and Stitch are very alike, of course you’re better looking,” shouldn’t have said that, “you two can seem a bit scary but you’re actually good friends and very soft inside, also you… kinda make my life better too, like when I’m having a hard-- you know what it’s not a big deal, it’s just a plush I got it randomly.” Obviously a lie but he was only embarrassing himself with all this talk, suddenly Jaebum’s arms are surrounding him, it’s totally different from that time at the library, it’s not aggressive at all, Jaebum is enveloping him in a hug, it’s warm and Youngjae feels protected by it.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to get me anything. I feel kinda bad that I didn’t get you something as well,” Jaebum’s breath is incredibly warm on his neck.

“You did, you got me that phone, you don’t have to get me anything else,” it’s weird that they’re talking like this, but Jaebum doesn’t let go and Youngjae doesn’t want to push him away, also it’s easier talking like this, not having to stare at each other’s eyes. 

“Nah, it’s not the same, this has a meaning-” Youngjae tries to protest but Jaebum talks over him, “really, thank you.” He lets go then, so he can look at Youngjae, Jaebum takes the Stitch plush with a hand, the other one going to Youngjae’s cheek. “This is the best thing you could have gotten me,”

Youngjae doesn’t believe it for a second, it’s a cheap thing he got at the mall, but it makes him blush anyways, they stare at each other, Jaebum is blushing too but then one of his fingers fall to Youngjae’s lips, “What is this?” He asks noticing the split right at the corner, the boy had almost forgotten about this, he freezes for a second but tries to act cool.

“It’s nothing, I hurt myself while I was eating, I was very hungry and well you know…” no one would believe this, Youngjae knows but for some reason Jaebum doesn’t press the subject, he doe caress it with his thumb though, it’s nice. “Should I go? I don’t want to intrude-” he tries to change the subject completely.

“Do you see anyone else here? You’re not intruding, it’s just me, well Margareth is cooking some Christmas’ food, I told her she didn’t need to but she insisted, anyways as soon as she is done she will go to her house spend the day with her own family.”

Youngjae is confused in fact the house isn’t decorated with anything and there’s no one around, “Where’s your family?” 

“There’s no family, Choi. Grandparents passed away few years back, the amazing father left ten years ago, you know that, and my mom, well I’m not sure where she is to be honest.” Jaebum’s voice is cold again, he guides Youngjae to another room, it’s nothing like the living room, it’s like a play area but also a cinema theatre, on his own house wow, there’s a huge screen and an enormous couch Youngjae has to close his mouth so he won’t look like an idiot. 

“What do you mean you don’t know where your mom is?” Youngjae asks when they sit down on the couch, it’s so comfortable here he kinda feels like living here from now on. 

“Well, she was at my aunt’s two weeks ago, I suppose she’s still there. You know what, Choi, she called a lot of times but I didn’t pick up because I don’t care, she is not here and I don’t care, you don’t have to look at me with that face, I really couldn’t care less about it.” 

Youngjae knows it’s a lie, he looks at Jaebum’s face and he can see the lie on it, but the more he talks about it more he closes off and that’s not what he wants, he likes softie happy Jaebum better. He sees some stuff on the other corner of the couch and he asks Jaebum what they are, that makes the smile come back full force.

“Oh, told you I don’t really care. See? I get to spend Christmas with the gifts I bought myself,” Jaebum reaches out getting whatever are those things, Youngjae is trying to identify it and he sees it, there’s a metal box full with joints. “I’ve been saving them for today, I got the most expensive and hard to find rolling papers!” He is showing all his supplies to Youngjae and really the boy has no idea of how to react to it, this is Jaebum’s idea of a perfect Christmas?

“Alright…” Youngjae says awkwardly, Jaebum looks at him for a long second then he starts laughing.

“I forgot with whom I was speaking to, didn’t I? I’m so used to everyone I know smoking… it’s so weird that you don’t,” he lights up one of the joints like it’s nothing, “do you mind?” 

“I-- no, hum, go ahead,” Jaebum’s blows a lot of smoke, he looks very pleased with it, “anyways, it’s not weird that I don’t smoke.” Now Youngjae is the one who can’t take his eyes off Jaebum, he doesn’t like thinking it but the boy looks good right now, very good.

“Do you want to?” Jaebum offers with a smirk.

“What? No! I don’t-- I shouldn’t even-” Youngjae starts to get up from the couch, but Jaebum stops him, he always does. 

“Calm down, sweetheart. How many times do I have to tell you to stop worrying about everything? I didn’t ask if you should, I asked if you want to… so do you?” Seeing Youngjae hesitation Jaebum gets closer to him, “it’s not a sin, you know?”

“Yes, cos you would know that,” the truth is that Youngjae kinda wants to try it, he never wondered how it would feel, he really doesn’t care about stuff like that, but if he is being honest with himself Jaebum looks so good doing it and also Youngjae doesn’t want to leave, he might as well-- it wouldn’t be so bad, right? “Would my parents be able to tell if I- you know?”

“Oh my god, really? Okay, I didn’t think… doesn’t matter, no, they wouldn’t be able to tell cos I won’t let you get too high or anything, just change your clothes when you get home so they can’t really smell it, I think it will be alright,” Jaebum looks so excited, Youngjae is scared maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to it, but seeing Jaebum like this kinda makes him feel proud of himself because he did that. “I will teach you how to do it, it will be my gift for you, yeah?”

Jaebum explains to him the dos and don’ts, he is being very kind and everything but Youngjae can’t even pay attention to any of it, he doesn’t know how to tell Jaebum that maybe they shouldn’t do it, he is nervous he even feels like he is shaking, god wouldn’t like him doing something like that, right? It’s illegal so he shouldn’t, he will be in so much trouble if his parents find out he can’t even imagine-

“This is a 24k gold rolling paper,” Jaebum says lighting up a different joint, he takes a long drag, “come on, try it, remember what I told you,” but Youngjae has no idea what he was told. 

He takes the thing from Jaebum, it’s obviously that he is shaking but Jaebum doesn’t comment on it, which is nice, Youngjae knows he shouldn’t sin thinking that he will be able to ask for forgiveness later, this is not how things work, but it’s exactly what he is doing. He wants to do this so bad, even though he knows it’s wrong, he wants to start doing things he wants to do, so he takes a drag as well, at least he thinks he does but all it does is burn his lungs, he coughs almost dropping the burning joint on the couch, at that Jaebum laughs.

“It’s not funny you asshole, I don’t want to do this anymore,” he glares at the other boy.

“Come on, didn’t I told you to inhale? You did everything wrong, try again, let me show you,” he shows him again, Youngjae doesn’t know how he feels about sharing the joint with Jaebum, there’s a funny feeling in his stomach, this time around he does better, Jaebum looks proud as if Youngjae achieved something huge and not just being able to smoke without coughing his lungs off. 

“How do you feel?” he asks after some time, Youngjae doesn’t think he feels anything if he is being honest, maybe he is a little light on the head? He is not sure so he says so, Jaebum smiles at him. “I want to try something else, can I?” 

Nodding his head Youngjae agrees to whatever Jaebum wants to try, he supposes he is already in trouble, what’s a little bit more of trouble? Jaebum gets even closer, they have their legs crossed facing each other, they aren’t touching yet but they are almost there. 

“I will hit it and then I will pour out the smoke to you so you can inhale it, it’s… kinda nice… I think we should get closer for that though,” of course he does, Youngjae doesn’t know if it is kinda nice as Jaebum says, but seems weirdly intimate, for some reason he is fine with it, Jaebum is the one who seems nervous about the whole thing. He gets them a new joint, this one is reddish, Youngjae thinks it’s cute. 

Jaebum hits it, his face is impossibly close to Youngjae’s, his cheeks are puffed cos he is storing the smoke there or whatever, they are so, so close and it shouldn’t be this funny to Youngjae, but it is, he laughs loudly, lying on his back so he can be away from Jaebum’s face, when he does look at him he laughs even harder. “I’m sorry,” he is almost crying, “you just looked so funny, like a chinchilla!” Youngjae laughs clapping his hands together.

“Like a chinchilla, yeah? You don’t respect me at all,” but he doesn’t look or sound too mad so it’s good, Youngjae sits up so they can try again, but Jaebum doesn’t have his legs crossed anymore, they are spread open now. Youngjae gulps, he finds himself in between Jaebum’s legs, he is not laughing anymore because it’s not funny anymore. “Spread your legs for me, baby.” 

Youngjae’s eyes widen, he shouldn’t, he might be a little daring today and his head might be a lot lighter than he ever felt it but he should know better than to do things like that with another boy, his body doesn’t seem to understand it because he’s soon spreading his legs as well and then Jaebum is manhandling him placing Youngjae’s thigh over his so Youngjae is almost straddling him. 

“Jaebum! We shouldn’t--” Youngjae gasps, there’s a voice in the back of his head telling him that he is not supposed to be doing this. 

“But we want to, don’t we? Let’s try it again,” this time Youngjae doesn’t laugh, Jaebum doesn’t look as funny as before, he looks anything but funny. Inhaling the smoke coming out of Jaebum’s mouth has a weird sensuality to it, the smoke tickles Youngjae’s lips and he likes it. His body feels so warm, he likes it so much.

They’ve been doing this for a while, he has no idea how much time has passed, but whatever time is a fake concept anyways. The hand Jaebum has on his waist feel pretty good too, Youngjae thinks as Jaebum leans in again, their lips never touch but they are so close to, just so close.

“Let me try it,” he says taking the joint from Jaebum’s fingers, Jaebum’s eyes are so dilated, so black, Youngjae thinks Jaebum is the prettiest person he has ever seen in his life, no one has ever looked this good to him. Their eyes are locked, he wouldn’t be able to look away if he wanted to, good thing he doesn’t want to at all. 

Jaebum is not even done inhaling when the voice in the back of Youngjae’s head changes completely, it’s loud now, demanding, all he can hear is  _ fuck it.  _ Then Youngjae is crashing their lips together, he uses his free hand to hold on Jaebum’s nape, bringing the other boy even closer to him. Jaebum gasps into the kiss, he is surprised for two seconds or so, till he isn’t anymore, he kisses Youngjae with everything he has, it looks nothing like a first kiss should look like, it’s too hot, there’s too much tongue, too fast, too desperate. Youngjae has kissed just one person before this, he was thirteen in the back of the church when he had to kiss a taller girl, it was a dare and it was awful, he promised to never do it again.

Right now it feels nothing like it, Jaebum’s hands are warm when they drag Youngjae to sit in his lap, finally. They both moan when they feel  _ it,  _ Youngjae has never felt someone’s else erection and right now he can feel it, he feel it brushing lightly against his own, he should care, he is pretty sure that there’s a reason why he shouldn’t be doing this, why he should be freaking out but right now he can’t remember what this reason might be, he just wants more. 

“Your lips, they are so--” but Jaebum doesn’t finish it, he just leans in kissing Youngjae again, he didn’t think it was possible but it is even dirtier than before, Jaebum is sucking at his tongue and Youngjae starts to worry about the situation in his pants when the older boy bites at the corner of his mouth, exactly where it was already hurt.

Youngjae hisses in pain, behind his eyes he can see images of this father slapping him and Jihyo when they were kids, images of his mother telling him what she would do to him if he ever-- Youngjae tries to push Jaebum away trying to get off his lap without much success, Jaebum is holding onto him tightly. 

“Sorry, baby, didn’t mean to hurt it even more…”

“No, Jaebum, let me go, I don’t want to-- let go of me!” He yells, he doesn’t even mean to but this is not supposed to be happening, Jaebum looks surprised maybe even a little hurt but he does let go, Youngjae leaves the joint at the metal box on the center table, he is looking for his shoes when Jaebum is hugging him from behind, his hand finding his lower stomach it is like his favorite spot.

“I’m sorry, we don’t have to do anything… sorry if it was too fast, baby. Please stay, you don’t have to leave-- we don’t have to smoke anymore, yeah? Just stay here, don’t leave, please just stay here with me,” Youngjae doesn’t let him finish he just grabs his sneakers by the front door putting them on, Jaebum tries to speak again but Youngjae’s head is spinning, he has to leave right now.

“Don’t- we will never do this again! I don’t know why I-- listen, don’t-- I’m leaving, don’t come after me,” Youngjae leaves running again, it’s different this time, his feet feel weird when they touch the ground, also there’s a lump in his throat, he runs for just a few blocks till he has to stop to throw up, it’s disgusting and he feels like crying but all he can do is throw up, a girl bypasses him but he can’t even get himself to feel embarrassed. When he is done he realizes just how cold he is it’s when he notices that he didn’t get his coat, he has his hoodie on but nothing else, fucking dumbass. 

He really has to run home or else he will freeze to death in the middle of the town, “Where’s your coat?” His father asks as soon as he closes the door behind him, Youngjae wasn’t expecting him to be home, god he is so scared of how he looks right now and his entire family is sitting in the living room pretending to enjoy each other’s company. 

“I-- I forgot it at Yugyeom’s, it’s freezing outside so I will put in something warmer before dinner.” Youngjae runs to his room, he hears his father asking how could he forget about his damn coat when it’s so cold but he doesn’t answer. Locking himself into his room Youngjae feels like he will throw up again, god what did he do? He kissed a boy, he was sitting in a boy’s lap while he felt-- God he is disgusted with himself, he wants to scream while he strips off his clothes, he should have known better, what was he even expecting by spending so much time with Jaebum? Youngjae was only lying to himself, but he can’t, he cannot be gay, this is just… he is just confused, no one has ever touched him like that, no one gives him attention, not like Jaebum does so it’s messing with head, he can’t afford to do something so stupid though he can’t.

_ God, I’m sorry for everything I did today, please I promise I didn’t mean to… I know I said it would be the last time when we went to that dumb arcade place, but really today was the last time I will never do anything like this again. I… I feel so dirty, please don’t, I know I don’t deserve to be asking for anything right now, but don’t let them find out, please they would kill me don’t--  _ someone knocks on his door, Youngjae almost yells, he is so startled by it. 

“Jae, come down so we can have dinner together like the very happy family we are,” Jihyo says in a mocking tone. 

After dressing in clean clothes Youngjae looks at himself in the mirror, he hates what he sees, he doesn’t look like he’s been smoking or kissing a man, he held back his tears so he wouldn’t look like he’s been crying either, but what he sees is a disgusting figure, he looks dumb and pathetic, he hates it so much, this is not supposed to be him. He was supposed to be a good kid, one who doesn’t smoke, one who goes to church every Sunday with his family and sings to God, why would he ever want something else? He doesn’t need anything else, Jaebum was wrong he can’t just be free or something like freedom is a privilege, one he doesn’t get, no, not when he was born in this family in this goddamn town. 

Dinner is as awkward as it could be, his parents are the only ones speaking, and they have to pray before eating, his father makes them all make their own prayers out loud, Youngjae almost cries then, he doesn’t know what to say, if he is being honest he wishes he could ask for someone to take him away from this table right now, he knows exactly who he wants to take him away, but it just makes him feel dirtier, he asks for guidance so they will make the right decisions, his mother is pleased. 

Youngjae can’t eat much, as soon as they are done with the food he goes to his room, they will celebrate Christmas tomorrow he isn’t looking forward to it at all, checking his phone he feels incredibly sad seeing that there are no texts, no missed calls. It’s stupid that he expected anything else after what he did. Today he went after Jaebum and not the other way around, after the way he left he thinks he should be the one trying to fix it, of course, he should. 

**_me -_ **

_ sorry (8:46 PM) _

_ for the way i acted (8:48 PM) _

Youngjae knows this is not enough, he doesn’t know what else he could say though, he is so confused it’s not his fault, well it is he is fault cos it’s nobody else’s, but he doesn’t know how to fix it. Jaebum reads the textS, Youngjae can see that he saw it but he doesn’t reply and that does it, he doesn’t have a reason to hold his tears back anymore, he probably hurt Jaebum as much as he is hurting right now, his chest hurts so bad thinking about Jaebum alone in that big ass house. 

Youngjae sobs into his pillow, if he could go back in time he would never have left his house today, he fucked up their friendship, he didn’t want to lose Jaebum like this, he didn’t mean to hurt him. He feels so guilty for what he did, he feels guilty that he hurt Jaebum but also guilty because he sinned, everything is wrong, what he did with Jaebum is wrong but what he did to him is wrong too, no matter what he does here cos all his choices are bad ones. There’s no solution.

Praying for guidance doesn’t seem like just a way out of what he really wanted to pray for anymore, Youngjae cries himself to sleep while he prays for God to help him on this, help him to do the right thing for once, he needs to make good decisions, he needs to do the right thing, the thing he  _ should  _ do and not the thing he  _ wants  _ to do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- my plan was to post this by wednesday but i worked hard on this today so i could post it sooner i was in the mood for it.... anyways i hope you enjoyed it  
> \- also let me just say, i know how yj says something while he is thinking something else and then he does the opposite of it........ he is controversial but it's hard for him right now, so be patient?? some things take time  
> \- also really thx for reading i hope y'all will like it  
> (btw real question, should i tag it as angst or nah)


	8. Good boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls be mindful with the psychological abuse/domestic violence tags in this chapter  
> (the tittle is probably not what ur thinking about btw it's nothing sexual)

Staring at the phone screen Youngjae reads over and over again each text he has ever sent to Jaebum, the texts he sent after the Christmas Eve incident stare right back at him, they sit there read and unanswered. He doesn’t blame Jaebum for not replying, at first Youngjae thought he would reply eventually when he didn’t it made the boy angry and he did blame him, he was just so angry for being ignored, but he gets it now, Jaebum doesn’t owe him anything, if he doesn’t want to talk to Youngjae then the boy will have to accept it. Jaebum is the one with the right to be angry here not Youngjae anyways.

It’s been almost a whole week though and Youngjae misses Jaebum so much, he has never missed anyone this much in his life, actually Youngjae doesn’t remember ever missing someone before, right now all he can think about is Jaebum, is being like that for days. He doesn’t know what he would say if they could talk again, what he would do if he could see Jaebum again, but he wants to, he wants to see the other boy so bad it’s suffocating. Youngjae is about to press call just to see what would come out of this when Jihyo knocks on his door, Youngjae hides the phone under his pillows before she can get inside the room.

“Hey, baby bro, can I speak to you for a sec?” She is already there locking the door, they never lock the door just so they can talk so this is already weird, he nods his head. “Don’t look at me like that, it’s nothing bad… well, maybe it is… a little...”

Youngjae sits up on his bed so she can sit with him, she looks a little nervous, Jihyo is never nervous, not like that at least, he lets her know that he’s here to listen to her about anything yet she doesn’t say anything for some time. “Come on, you’re making me nervous!”

“Okay, okay…” she takes a deep breath looking at her locked fingers on her lap, “do you remember that friend I met on twitter a few years back? Her name is Mina, she is Japanese-”

“Yes, I do, didn’t mom forbid you to talk to her?” Youngjae doesn’t know where this talk is going but he is getting antsy by the second.

“She did… but I didn’t stop… I kept talking to her. Listen, Jae, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I need your help, okay? I’m moving in with her,”

“What?” Youngjae all but yells, he and Jihyo try to cover his mouth at the same time.

“No! Not like that, not yet at least,” she whispers trying to make up to Youngjae’s loudness, “her family will help me, they have a dance academy and they will let me work there, they will also let me stay with them till the school year is over, I… I got a college scholarship, I didn’t tell anyone cos I didn’t want mom and dad to know…”

Youngjae head is spinning, is Jihyo really saying that- “are you leaving?”

“Yeah? I mean, yes, I am.” She is looking at him now, she takes one of his hands on hers, for some reason she looks very regretful, “I didn’t want to leave you behind, I’ve been saving money so I could afford the plane tickets, I wish I could take you with me but you’re not eighteen yet, I’m scared they will go to the police-”

“Hey, no, it’s alright you don’t have to worry about me, it’s alright, you have to-- to think about you and if it’s this is the best thing to do then… I mean…” being quite honest Youngjae doesn’t know what to think of it, he guesses Jihyo thought a lot about this before telling him so he has to trust her but he’s feeling quite uneasy.

“I was going to wait, you know till September but Jae, I… I can’t live like this anymore, I want to go to college and make my own decisions, I don’t want them paying for anything, deciding what I have to study, where I can or not go. I’m tired of getting beaten up just because we had pancakes with a guy they don’t like,” she is the verge of tears already, Youngjae wants to hug her but he can’t move his arms, he’s paralyzed, he knows exactly how she feels. “I will do my own things, make my own money, I won’t belong to anyone anymore, I want to be my own person.”

“You deserve that-- to be your own person, you deserve that.” He says trying to give his sister a reassuring smile, he believes what he said, he feels weird but he is happy for her, maybe she will get what they both have been longing for so long. “I don’t get how do you need my help though,”

“Oh, right…” Jihyo is a bit shaky so Youngjae holds her tiny hands tighter, “I convinced mom to let me spend new year’s eve at Julie’s, well I won’t be going to Julie’s... I will take the bus to the airport,” Youngjae closes his eyes, he gets it now, “I know, I know, but please, I need you to tell them, I need you to tell dad to not go pick me up at the end of the day-- no, listen to me, this is the only way, I wouldn’t put you in this situation if I had another option, but what else can I do? I can’t risk leaving a note and having them finding out before I even get there, but I can’t let them not knowing that I left because I wanted to or they will go to the police and it will be a mess, please baby bro, I know it will be hard but please I… I can’t spend another year of my life living like this, please.”

Jihyo is full on crying now, Youngjae thinks it’s unfair, he feels bad for thinking like that, she deserves all the happiness in the world, but he can’t help the bitter taste it leaves in his mouth. Their parents will give him hell for knowing about her plans and not saying anything, Jihyo will be free and he will be here being punished god knows how, he can’t really deny it to her though, he knows he can’t. “Alright, I will do it for you.”

She hugs him then, explaining about her plan, she will be flying to Chicago tomorrow morning, their parents will only find out about it on the next day, Youngjae supposes it will be _his last days_ on Earth but he doesn’t say anything. He kinda wants to cry too, it’s weird knowing that this will be the last time he will see his sister in a long time, she promises to come back for him when he turns eighteen, but Youngjae doesn’t want her to worry, he wants his sister to go to college, to graduate and to think about herself. He also assures her that he will find a way to text her when she gets to Mina’s house, he just doesn’t tell her how.

He hates that he is a little jealous, he wants to go away too, but he supports his sister, listen to everything she has to say, she talks about Mina with stars in her eyes, Youngjae thinks it’s cute, it’s nice that he sister found someone who supports her to this extend, helping her moving out, supporting her in a different state, this is huge, they have never met in person and yet they seem to really love and care about each other. Youngjae thinks it will work out, he will pray for it later.

That night Jihyo sleeps on his bed, they watch movies on her laptop trying to enjoy every second they still have together. She cries a lot when she has to leave to Julie’s house, at least that’s where their parents think she is going to, she only hugs Youngjae telling him how much she loves her baby brother. Youngjae doesn’t cry, he never cries in front of his parents, but he lets her know just how much he loves her as well.

Staying at home knowing that Jihyo is not there and that she will never be there again it’s incredible weird, he doesn’t miss her, not yet but it’s weird, something is missing, it’s like every bad thing is happening at once. Youngjae tries to call Jaebum at new year’s, he knows his life will be a mess after his parents find out about his sister leaving, maybe it will be the last chance he will get to see Jaebum alone again, at least that’s what he intends when he calls, Jaebum declines ever call though. Everytime Youngjae tries calling it gets declined, he feels his heart breaking more and more, he knows he didn’t do the right thing the last time they saw each other, but why does Jaebum have to act so tough now? He just wants an opportunity to apologize, that’s all he is asking for.

Having lunch with his parents the next day is incredibly uncomfortable, Youngjae thinks if it’s a possibility of running to his room and yelling the news from there, he knows it’s not an option when his father is done eating and announces that he will be picking Jihyo up, “You-- you don’t have to, Jihyo is not at Julie’s,” he says before his father can leave.

“What do you mean she isn’t there, she’s been there for almost two days,” even though his father doesn’t understand what is going on he has his eyes narrowed as if he’s already suspecting of something.

Youngjae looks at him and then at his mother, voice weak, “She is not, she-- Jihyo moved out, she wasn’t at Julie’s cos she left, Jihyo is not coming back, dad.”

His father is in front of him in less than two seconds, “What did you just say? If you think this is funny... Youngjae...” he has both fists clenched, Youngjae’s eyes are fixed on them. “Tell me where you’re sister is right now!”

“I- I don’t know! She just told me that she would leave, she is not-”

“You don’t know? You want me to believe that you don’t know where she is? You think I’m an idiot?” His father raises one of his fists but it doesn’t touches Youngjae. “I will give you one last chance, tell me where Jihyo is and neither of you will be in big trouble.”

“I don’t-- don’t know--” then both of his father’s hands are flying to his neck, he squeezes it, it’s not too tight that he can’t breathe but it’s agonizing. Youngjae tries to push him scratching at his arms, this has never happened before and right it’s making him scared for his life, he tries to speak but nothing will come out, he is getting desperate.

“Stop it, Kwang, there’s no need for something like that,” his mother says calmly and just like that his father lets go of him, like it was nothing, as if he didn’t almost suffocated his own son, Youngjae has never felt so small, it takes everything in him to not push both of them and just run away as well, he doesn’t have any money or anywhere to go though, he doesn’t have anything, he can’t leave. “Now, tell me everything you sister told you, if you lie I will know you’re lying so don’t try it,”

Youngjae wishes she would hug him instead of talking to him in this cold tone, wishes she would ask if he is okay, but she just doesn’t care, seeing her son being hurt means nothing to her, “all-- all she told me was that she was going to leave and that I should tell you before dad could go to Julie’s house,” it hurts when he speaks, not that he will complain about it to them.

“And why didn’t you tell us about it before? The bible says you should honor and respect your parents, so why didn’t you tell us about her plans instead of being on her side?”

“She asked me to not tell,”

“She asked you to? You brat, I should throw you out right now, it’s that what you want? You want to be a beggar? If you ain’t loyal to us why should we give you food? Give you a home to live in? Why didn’t you left with her if she is so good of a sister to you?” Youngjae stares at his father just the way he stares back at him, he knows he can’t talk back, but he wishes he could, he wishes he could punch him in the face.

“Let me handle it, yeah?” His mother says, squeezing her husband’s shoulder, she is so nice, so warm to him, of course she is, “I know she told you where she was going to and I want to you tell us now, Youngjae, this is your last chance.” He doesn’t even reply, at this point he doesn’t care anymore, it’s not like he would betray his sister and it’s not like anyone deserves to be free just for a day or so to have to comeback to this hell. “Alright, so I guess you deserve it, it’s probably what you really want, isn’t it? Come with me.”

Youngjae follows her to his room, then she is pointing at his closet and no- “No- no, no, mom, please no, you know how I- please don’t,” he begs.

“Don’t act as if I’m being unfair here, all I have is love for my kids, all I do is try to protect you two and how do you thank me? By lying to me, by running away from home! You will get there and you will stay there till I think it’s enough, I and your father will find your sister and bring her home. Don’t cry, be a man,”

But Youngjae isn’t crying, he hasn’t cried in front of them since he was twelve, he also hadn’t to go into the closet since he was fourteen, his mother knows this is the worst thing she could do to him, when he was a kid he would cry for hours hitting and kicking at the doors for hours, his mother would always say that every minute of him yelling would be ten more minutes of him being locked up. He never thought this would happen again, not after three years, not after he tried to shove every memory of it to the back of his mind. Now he is being shoved into the closet again, the situation is not funny, not funny at all, it’s suffocating, but he smiles bitterly at himself thinking about the irony of it all, spending the first day of the year locked up in a closet, his mother is right, he deserves this.

Youngjae spends the night in the closet, he cries like he never cried in his life, feeling so utterly lonely until he can fall asleep and shut every dark thought down, he is dying to pee when he is mother finally lets him out the next day, she tells him that they weren’t able to find Jihyo and that the police can’t do anything since it’s not like she was kidnapped or anything, she decided to leave and she is already eighteen it’s her right to do so, his mother tells him these things looking at him as if it’s his fault, as if all that is happening it’s because of him, Youngjae doesn’t care, he doesn't. He goes to school, his entire body hurts but he is glad to see Bambam and Yugyeom, they talk so much, Bambam talks nonstop about the days he spent with his entire family, Youngjae almost smiles twice at his best friend’s antics.

The worst thing is that he doesn’t see Jaebum, not even once, Youngjae was sure that he would be able to talk to the other boy as soon as class started again, but Jaebum seems to have disappeared which is making Youngjae worry a lot, his calls keep being declined and his texts read but not answered, he’s about to lose his mind when he gets to school and sees Jackson with his arms around Bambam’s shoulders talking excitedly with him and Yugyeom. They’re standing by Youngjae’s locker most likely waiting for him so really there’s no way for the boy to ignore them.

“Youngjae, my man! Jackson here just invited us to the party of the year!” Bambam lets go of Jackson so he can glue himself to Youngjae’s arms. Jackson doesn’t look happy seeing Youngjae.

“Oh right... I’m supposed to invite you as well, church boy, Jaebum made sure of it or whatever, so next Friday it’s Jaebum’s birthday and the party will be at his house. Be there or don’t, I don’t care really,” Jackson says with a scowl, obviously inviting Youngjae is not as pleasant as inviting the other boys.

“It will be so cool, Jae! I’ve always wanted to go to a party like that, can’t believe we finally got invited! I will have to lie to my mom... but we are going, right?” Yugyeom’s puppy eyes are pretty hard to ignore but it’s not like Youngjae has an option here, his mother locked him on the closet last night again, his parents aren’t talking to him unless it’s to say something hurtful, he can’t leave the house, he can’t do much at the time, not really. So he just gives his friend a small smile.

“I can’t, the Jihyo thing… I don’t think I’d be able to make it. Thanks for inviting me though, Jackson.”

Jackson just rolls his eyes, “Of course, I just asked because I had to. Anyways, see you guys at the party,” he waves with a warm smile on his face obviously directed at Bambam and Yugyeom.

“Jackson is always so nice, why doesn’t he like you, Jae? Were you rude to him?” Yugyeom asks.

“Why do you think I was the one who was rude to him? Didn’t you just see how he talked to me?” Youngjae protests, it’s not like he cares about Jackson not liking him, but he didn’t do anything so it’s not fair.

“What did he mean with the ‘Jaebum made sure of it’ thing anyway? Why would Im Jaebum want you to go to his party so bad?” Bambam wonders while they walk to Yugyeom’s classroom first, “I mean, no offense, of course, but it’s not like you’re wild and the life of parties, you don’t even go to parties! Are you two friends now?”

“I knew it! I said you were always staring at him, Jae!”

“No! I mean-- I don’t stare at him and I don’t know why he would want me there either. Jackson was probably just mocking me. You know what? I didn’t do my homework, I have to run to my classroom and finish it before class starts,” Youngjae doesn’t even give them the time to reply he just runs to his classroom, he is not lying, he really didn’t do his homework but he is not planning on doing it right now either.

Youngjae tries calling Jaebum again, he decides that if Jaebum picks up he will go to the damn party, he will sneak out and he will go see Jaebum not matter what he has to do, really even if he doesn’t pick up Youngjae will find a way to go, but like always Jaebum declines it, declining feels way worse to the boy than just not picking up. Youngjae curses under his breath, it makes no sense, Jaebum wants him to go to this party but won’t even talk to him? What the hell does he really want? Probably not talk or even see Youngjae ever again, Jackson was really just mocking him, he saw them together that first night, he probably just wants Youngjae to feel like an idiot, it’s not worth risking himself for it.

*

When he was a kid he felt so small, so tiny inside the closet, he was so scared that a demon would kill him there or that the house would burn and no one would remember he was there, now that his body has grown Youngjae knows that the walls aren’t so huge, he barely fits in here he knows he is not so small. He is not scared of demons coming for him anymore neither does he think the house will burn down, but even though he is bigger he feels just as lonely inside it as he would feel when he was younger, just as scared of the darkness, it’s like he is suffocating for hours, it never ends.

It’s the third time he’s been locked in the closet just this week, Youngjae is not getting used to it, this is the worst punishment he has ever received, the one he has always hated the most, but he is kinda finding ways to distract himself from the darkness.

The first night he cried himself to sleep thinking about how it all was really his fault and how he deserved it. The second night he thought about how unfair it actually was, he made plans, plans for the future he would have if he had born in a different life, as a different person, this one wasn’t much of a better night, it made him have nightmares. Tonight Youngjae has the phone Jaebum gave him on his hands, he thinks it’s safe enough to use it here, so he opens a new tab, they say the internet has the answer to everything so maybe it can help him out.

Youngjae takes a deep breath typing _‘is it wrong to be gay?’,_ he doesn’t know what he was expecting to find, but there’s a lot of different results, some will say why and how it is wrong and harmful for society, his heart hurts a little reading it but he was the one looking for it so he has to endure, others sites will say that no, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you if you’re gay, Youngjae doesn’t believe it, the way they put it as if there’s nothing wrong in the world seems too optimistic to him, too good to be true.

What really makes Youngjae uncomfortable is a blog where someone asks if they are possessed by a demon for being gay, his eyes widen, he has never thought of this possibility, can he be-- no, he would know right? He closes the tab before reading the replies, opening another one he sees a blog where a guy says he’s Christian and gay, says that is nothing wrong believing in god and being gay at the same time, but also that’s it’s hard and that you’ll probably not be supported by your family and friends, that much Youngjae knows, he knows no one would support him being like this… the guy also gives advice, saying you should put your healthy and your safety before anything else, it makes Youngjae even more nervous, this is a reminder that he is not safe in his own house and he will be even less safe if he is like that.

The truth is that Youngjae doesn’t know if this really helps him because he doesn’t know if he wants things to be hard, to lose his friends, to be seen as an evil person by the people he has known his entire life, he doesn’t need to know how to be gay and Christian, he needs to know how to not be like _this._ He opens a new tab and types _‘how to be attracted to girls?’,_ but all he sees is how to be attractive to girls, not really his problem, so he tries again with _‘how to not be gay?’._

Youngjae finds something called ‘10 ways to cure your homosexuality’, he thinks it will help him, he can take ten steps easily, maybe it will solve his problems, the thing is that this is not really the site intention, to help someone curing themselves that’s it. The ten ways are actually ironic steps, they show you how a conversion app teaches it but everything is dripping with sarcasm, the real intention is to show how harmful this kind of material can be. One of the steps tell you how your loneliness is caused by you being gay, it’s not even the most harmful part of the text but for some reason it makes Youngjae’s tears start to roll down his face, the more he reads the more he cries. It’s so ugly, the person who wrote it wanted to show how gay people are taught to think, Youngjae thinks it’s ugly, it’s ugly that he feels exactly like that, that he can see himself in every step, it’s ugly that maybe he is really gay, he is broken just like these other people are and he is lonely, just so lonely, he is all by himself and that’s what the church environment wanted for him.

He hears the door of his room being opened, Youngjae tries to hide the phone being able to just two seconds before his mother is opening the closet door as well, “Get out of there,”

So he does, drying up his face, all the times he had to stay in the closet he ended up sleeping in there, what is different today? They couldn’t know about the phone, right? No, it can be it, there’s a lot of things going through Youngjae’s mids when his mother sits on his bed tapping it so he can sit beside her. “Were you crying?” Youngjae shakes his head no, it’s obvious that he was but he doesn’t have to admit it, “I want to talk to you. I want to know why your sister left, I suppose she told you her reasons,”

“Why she left?” Youngjae can’t believe this is even a question.

“Yeah, why did she leave? Don’t we give you two everything you want? Didn’t we give you a roof, food and warm clothes? We have always put your needs first… how is she going to pay for college? Didn’t she think about important stuff like that? How irresponsible can one be…”

Youngjae wants to laugh, they don’t see it, his mother don’t see it, she doesn’t see what they do to them, locking them into closets, making them pray for hours and hours on their knees, beating they up almost every night when they were kids, not giving them freedom to do anything, demanding perfect results on everything they do. How can you do things like that to your own kids and not know what is wrong?

“I guess… she said she didn’t want to belong to anyone anymore,” he mumbles.

“Didn’t want to belong-” his mother says bitterly, “what did she want then? To be free to sleep around, to act like a whore, like a pagan? To not serve God? Is that what you want too, Youngjae?”

It obviously is, “No, mother.”

“Right… sleep in your bed. You’re a good boy, if your sister doesn’t want to be part of this family anymore then we shouldn’t force her.” Before his mother can leave she looks back at Youngjae from the door, “it wasn’t locked, by the way, the closet... it was never locked, you just never tried to open it, you’re a good boy, Youngjae.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i want to say some things:  
> 1\. i know 4.6k and no jaebum, i know...... but it was necessary for the plot development, next chapter will be more centred on him tho;  
> 2\. i feel a little bad about this chapter?? i don't like writing abuse just because but this is a big part of yj's life, it's important if we want to understand him better. i didn't intend for it to get too dark, the things i wrote are based on things i have experienced in some way, but i don't want to make it a common thing, so from now on things like that will be (mostly) implied;  
> 3\. as i do feel bad and a lil heavy after writing it i will try to write the next chapter as soon as i can with better things, so pls dont give up on it yet lol. thats it lol sorry for talking a lot thx for reading i hope u like it somehow. <3


	9. Cherry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is from lana del rey's song 'cherry' just bc i kinda used a verse from it as inspiration here also bc i love naming my stuff after songs

The choir practice ended five minutes ago, practically everyone has already left but Youngjae is hanging around waiting so he can talk alone with Anna, he didn’t plan it exactly but he is too antsy to just let it go, he needs to talk to someone about it. “Youngjae my dear, do you need me to call your father?”

His father gave his phone back last night, so no, he doesn’t need anyone calling his father for him, “not really… I just wanted to talk to you about something, it’s nothing too important… it’s just something I was wondering.” She looks at him expectantly, Youngjae takes a deep breath, there’s no one around, it should be no trouble he tells himself. “I wanted to know… because I’ve been reading some stuff and… you know, I-- what does our church think about gay people?”

Anna looks surprised as if she was expecting something else, “this a bit random, isn’t it? Well, what we say is that God loves us all equally,” Youngjae feels hopeful just for a second, “but he condemns homosexuality, we shouldn’t turn our back on gay people of course not, we should offer help if they want to change their lifestyle. You shouldn’t worry about it, Youngjae.”

“No, I’m not worried I- I’m just curious… what does it mean if they want to change their lifestyle?”

She thinks looking at the ceiling probably trying to find the best way to explain it, “do you know Andrew?” Youngjae nods, “he was gay. I know, looking at him now you would never tell, but before coming to our church he lived a life… huh, how can I word it? He lived a life of sin, but we helped him to overcome it, you see now he is married and has a family, a family as it should be. What we believe is that a person can’t help the way they feel, so maybe they will be gay but they have to make a decision on whether they want to act on it or want to change themselves,”

Youngjae feels his stomach turning, it’s just like the thing he read on that 10 ways to cure your homosexuality thing, “Change themselves…”

“Yeah, you see for the church being gay isn’t the problem, isn’t what makes a person a bad one, the sin happens when the person has some kind of gay relationship be it sexual or romantic, that is the sin so to prevent it from happening it’s our job to help them to find the truth and to fight so they can find their right path and leave this type of life behind them.”

Anna is a good person, Youngjae thinks she looks very approachable that’s why he felt like he could talk to her, but right now he wishes he wouldn’t have said anything, his stomach hurts and all he can think about is Jaebum’s lips after they kissed, “But this is the same as saying that them being like that is the actual sin because if they are gay isn’t inevitable for them to act on it?” He regrets it as soon as he says it, he should just stop this conversation and call his father already.

“It’s not inevitable if you are a worshiper of God and if you love him you will do it, you will try your best and won’t fall into the temptation of the flesh. It’s a sin, Youngjae, people have to fight the urges to keep their holiness, don’t you agree?” Anna’s voice is as sweet as ever.

“Sure, yeah I agree… Thanks for clarifying it to me. I will call my dad now,” Youngjae says weakly, he doesn’t know what he was expecting but he remembers what one of the blogs said about conversion therapy, about how harmful it is and how some people even try to kill themselves. Now listening to Anna it makes him feel even worse than before, he did act on his homosexuality, didn’t he? She would consider him an evil person now? It’s just so confusing that he can’t really know what is wrong and what isn’t.

Youngjae feels so weird on the way back home, it’s something clenching on his chest when he sees a couple walking hand in hand in a park, it’s all the thoughts screaming at him on his head while his father drives in silence that makes him speak up, “This is unfair,”

“What is?” his father asks, Youngjae never speaks to him when he doesn’t have to and lately he hasn’t speak to the older man at all. He doesn’t answer, just keeps his eyes on the dark streets, but there’s a chant on his brain: _Unfair! Unfair! Unfair!_ And this is all he can think about till he falls asleep, how unfair it is that he has to change himself that he has to prove himself to god while the couple he saw earlier doesn’t.

Friday comes around, after school Youngjae is lying on Bambam’s bed while the other boy and Yugyeom argue over the clothes they should wear to Jaebum’s party. They will go much later at night but the discussion has been going on for more than one hour already, Youngjae is tired, he wishes he wasn’t hearing about this goddamn party, he knows he won’t be going, actually he should leave to his own house before it gets dark which should happen soon.

Everytime one of the boys mention Jaebum’s name, Youngjae feels weirder and weirder, he hates how it seems like the mess he got himself into won’t be ever solved, it will be just something unfinished in his life forever. He knows this is not the truth, he will see Jaebum eventually, the boy won’t drop out of school, soon enough Youngjae will be able to talk to him even if it’s just so he can get some closure, but he can’t help the feeling he gets every time he thinks about the other boy, it’s like something is wrong, as if being apart from Jaebum is wrong itself. He sighs staring at the ceiling.

“What’s wrong, bro? You’ve been looking so blue lately,” Bambam says sitting by his side, Yugyeom jumps on the other side of the bed so he can lie down as well. “Is it because of Jihyo? Do you miss her a lot?”

“Or is it cos you wanted to go to the party and can’t? If you want we can stay here with you,” Youngae looks at Yugyeom’s cute face, it’s obvious that he wants to go to this party more than anything, it’s all he’s been talking about for the past days and Youngjae knows how excited he is for it but it’s nice that he was kind enough to offer not going.

“It’s not- I don’t want to go to this party, I don’t care about it,” he lies, all he wants to do is see Jaebum on his birthday but he won’t, “I’m also not looking blue at all, don’t worry, Bammie, I’m just tired. Honestly… I need to ask you something, what do you two think about gay people?” Here goes Youngjae talking about it again, he didn’t plan it this time either but again he asked it, it’s ridiculous it’s like he can’t stop thinking about this homosexuality thing so everytime he opens his mouth something about it will come out. It’s just so hard not having someone to talk about it, to help him figure this thing out.

Bambam looks surprised but he tries to not show it, “We don’t think about them, I guess?”

Youngjae looks at Yugyeom and the boy is also trying not to show his surprise, he looks very nervous though. “Yeah, I don’t think we ever think about shit like that. Why, do you think about it a lot, Jae?” He goes for a playful tone but it’s more awkward than anything.

Youngjae rolls his eyes, “It’s not that I think about that, I was just wondering...”

“Did you hear something?” Yugyeom lies on his stomach supporting himself on his elbows so he can have a better look at Youngjae’s face, “some rumors, maybe?”

“What? No! I didn’t hear anything, can’t I ask anything anymore? I’m just curious about your opinion,” Youngjae doesn’t know why he is being so defensive, but they won’t answer his question straight away and they are looking at him as if they suspect of something.

“Ignore Yugyeom. Now tell me, Jae, how do _you_ feel about gays?” Bambam’s face is serious and Yugyeom’s expectant.

“I don’t know? I don’t feel anything when it comes to this…” he murmurs, what really can he say to this? He wasn’t planning on having to talk about his thoughts here, he also doesn’t know how he feels about it, he is trying to figure it out.

“Huh,” Bambam narrows his eyes at him, “you know how the church feels though, don’t you? Do you share their thoughts?”

Youngjae should say yes, his friends aren’t religious like him, or at all, Yugyeom’s mom go to church every Sunday and sometimes she will force him to go too, Bambam’s family aren’t even Christian, they used to go to the church when his friend was a kid but not anymore. Yet Youngjae is scared of saying he doesn’t agree with the church’s vision, but if he lies now how will he be able to tell them- in the future he won’t know how to-- “I-- no, I don’t.” The funny thing is that he isn’t lying, he was confused and alright he still is but he knows he doesn’t agree with people hurting themselves to be accepted by a group of people. That much he is sure about.

“Really?” Yugyeom almost jumps at his side, he sounds relieved and genuinely happy, Bambam makes a face at him, “I mean, that’s cool, bro, I love you, but I always thought you would end up being a conservative person and shit!”

“Wow, thanks,” but he isn’t offended, anyone would think that about him, he doesn’t blame them. And it’s not as if he wasn’t scared they would have a problem with it either.

“Didn’t I just say to ignore Yugyeom? But he is right for once, it’s cool, as we said we don’t think anything about it… we are cool and so are you, so it’s cool, right? Come on, help me find the perfect pants, I was thinking jeans because it’s a party and shouldn’t be formal or anything, but I can also wear leather, do you think it’s too much?”

Youngjae makes a face too but he tries helping his friend to find the perfect outfit, he feels frustrated doing it though, they didn’t give him a good answer ‘we are cool’ doesn’t seem like a good enough answer for Youngjae, if it was a test they would fail. Of course he is happy that they don’t think about it in a bad way and he is relieved too, but he still doesn’t know just how cool they are about it, if they would still hang out with him in case he was... not straight, not that they will know about his worries or anything right now. He is still a little worried, he doesn’t want to lose his only friends because of something he isn’t even sure about yet.

The urge to talk about this is depressing in a way, it just reminds him of how lonely he is, Youngjae needs to talk about this subject with someone but doesn’t have anyone to hear him. He could always call Jihyo, he could call and ask but no, it would be too weird, she would be able to know what are his reasons behind it and he doesn’t know if he is ready for it. Now all Youngjae has is a ‘should change themselves’ and two ‘we are cool’, he hates it, maybe he should try the internet again later.

That night he can’t sleep at all, thoughts of Jaebum celebrating his birthday with a bunch of people not even thinking about Youngjae won’t let him even close his eyes. Youngjae rolls on his bed for hours trying to sleep, it’s just not fair, how can Jaebum forget about him like he is nothing while Youngjae lies here questioning everything about himself? This is all his fault, Jaebum came into his life to mess everything up, it makes Youngjae angrier than anything, this is not fair either.

He’d never be wondering about liking men if Jaebum had just ignored him as he used to do before, he wouldn’t be in this mess asking his friends about their thoughts on gay people if Jaebum had left him alone. But no, Jaebum had to give him presents, he had to be sweet, had to take Youngjae on a date and even talk to him for hours when he wasn’t feeling alright. And what was all that for? Just so now he could just discard Youngjae from his life?

“I hate him. I don’t care about his stupid birthday, I don’t care about him at all. I don’t need him in my life for anything,” Youngjae says into the darkness of his room while he stares at Jaebum’s facebook profile picture, the only source of light. He is angry so he won’t cry, but his eyes burn looking at the picture. Youngjae feels dirty, he feels disgusting with himself and it’s all because of Jaebum, he hates that he isn’t normal and it’s all because of _him._

  


*

 

Youngjae sees Bambam and Yugyeom hanging by his locker, as usual, he sighs, it’s not that he doesn’t want to see them but they are talking happily moving their arms a lot, Youngjae knows what it means. It means that they are excitedly talking about something, and this something must be Jaebum’s party, the last thing Youngjae wants to hear about right now.

He had an awful weekend because of this dumb party, he didn’t do any of his homework, also he was being a little shit and talked back to his parents which made him earn some bruises on his arms, just what he needed when his father’s anger was almost gone. So yeah, Youngjae doesn’t want to hear about no party, he walks to his locker opening it and just saying a low ‘hello’ to his friends, his tactic doesn’t succeed though. Yugyeom speaks as loud as ever even though they are side by side, “have you seen it? Have you seen the video?”

“What video?” But he doesn’t really care about whatever is it that they are talking about, at least it’s not about the party.

“The Jaebum video is all over facebook! I reported it, but I doubt they will take it down, to be honest,” Bambam says while Youngjae gets the books he will need for the day, of course, it was about the party, he doesn’t know why he is surprised.

“No, I didn’t see it, don’t care about it, so don’t bother showing me anything.”

It’s like Youngjae just crushed Yugyeom’s dreams, he looks really disappointed that he can’t gossip about whatever happened last Friday. “Well, I don’t think you would like to see it anyways,”

It makes him a little curious so he just looks at his friend, why wouldn’t he like it? Yugyeom smirks as if he knows he won, he did. “It’s because you always feel sorry for other people, well not that I think you shouldn’t be sorry for him, because you should it was ugly, but I mean you are a little sensitive, it would make you upset.”

Youngjae feels himself going a little cold, why would he have to feel sorry for Jaebum? He needs to ask, it’s what Yugyeom wants, he knows but he doesn’t care, he just has to ask. “Why- why I’d feel sorry? What was ugly?”

“Yugyeomie, stop talking about it as if it was something enjoyable, it wasn’t.” Bambam scowls, telling the story himself, trying to make it not sound like a gossip, at least that’s what the boy thinks the other is trying to do. “Jae, you see how Jaebum hasn’t been around a lot? People were saying he was hanging with that girl Jade, y’know? They said they were dating or something.”

Oh, so Jaebum is-- “huh, I don’t how is this story ugly, well apart from the fact that they are both ugly, I don’t think I care about it anymore, let’s go I have a quiz in the first period,”

“They are not both ugly, Jae, come on they are pretty hot!” Yugyeom protests, none of them start walking.

“This is not the story, let me finish it. You will hear about it anyways, Jae.” Youngjae nods, whatever he is right, better to end this already. “So, people were saying they were together, but the thing is that she does hard drugs, y’know, so at his party they were there and Jaebum was like hyperactive? I don’t know I have never seen someone high, so I don’t know what was wrong with him but he was so weird, he even hugged us?”

Youngjae doesn’t like how this story is going, what with hard drugs? He gulps, “Can you hurry up? What happened?”

Yugyeom starts talking over Bambam so he can tell the rest of the story instead, “So, Jaebum is like drinking, smoking,   and stuff, he stands on the coffee table all excited, he was so weird, his eyes were like so huge and he looked out of his head, Jae, you should have seen it.”

“That’s the story, he stood on a coffee table?” Youngjae feels like he can almost breathe again, no one says anything for some long seconds though.

“I think he felt bad? He kinda passed out?”

“What? What is kinda passed out, Bammie? You either pass out or you don’t!” It’s all happening too fast, Youngjae’s legs are shaking, nothing happened to Jaebum, right? They wouldn’t be so chill about it if something serious had happened to him.

“He did, he passed out. Like it was pretty scary, everyone was surprised and scared, Jinyoung and Jackson were losing their minds because nothing would wake Jaebum up. They made everyone leave the house so they could take him to the hospital.”

“That’s it? They took him to a hospital and what happened? It’s he alright?” It’s like he is going to pass out himself at any moment because his friends just seem to need hours to reply to a simple question.

“We think so, otherwise we would know by now. The video going around it’s of the moment he passes out when he fell I think he hurt his head a little, but I don’t think it’s that serious, the thing it’s that is just rude to upload a video like that, you know?”

But Youngjae doesn’t care about no damn video, he wants to know where is Jaebum, if he is alright, god this is a mess, it was Friday night almost three days ago and he didn’t know, Jaebum was taken to a hospital and he didn’t know.

“If you want we can ask about him to Jackson at the lunch break, Jae, don’t worry,” Yugyeom tries to sound reassuring.

“I-- I will be right back,” he slams his locked closed running off, he can hear Bambam yelling his name but he is already leaving.

Youngjae knows exactly where Jaebum’s friend hang out before class, he sees them under a big tree, it’s so cold yet they are outside as if it’s nothing. He looks for Jaebum but he isn’t there, of course, it would be too easy for him to be back at school just so Youngjae would be able to see that he is alright. He sees Jackson and Jinyoung, he has no other option, he approaches them and literally, everyone stops to look at him.

“You again,” Mia says, she looks tired of him and he hasn’t even said anything yet.

Youngjae should try to get one of them alone, it would be easier but he is too nervous to think straight, he just needs to know what really happened to Jaebum. “Listen, I just--” he stutters, it’s not because of the cold wind. “Is Jaebum alright? Is he at home already?”

“Really, you want to gossip so bad that you had the boldness to come here and ask us about it?” Jackson says looking at him with disdain. Jinyoung nudges him not too gently.

“He is okay, Youngjae. He is at home with his mother, we called her as soon as we got him to the hospital, she is taking care of him, it just… it might take him some time to be back at school, it’s not unusual for something like that to happen though, don’t worry yourself.”

He is nice enough but everything seems too bright for Youngjae, it’s like his vision is going white, he believes Jaebum is alright, he is home already, he should be alright, but the uneasiness is making him dizzy. One of the boys jokes that maybe Youngjae should pray for Jaebum but he isn’t even listening to them anymore, he just starts walking slowly trying to understand what is going on, he wants to know exactly what happened but it’s pretty obvious that he won’t be getting the answers he needs here. Youngjae feels a strong hold grabbing at his biceps making him turn around, “Hey, are you alright? You look pale as hell,”

Surprisingly enough the voice belongs to Jackson, his eyes are worried staring at Youngjae, “I-- do you think I could see him?”

“You want to go see him? Wow, I didn’t think-- anyways, let it go for now, his mother is angry as fuck about what happened, she is blaming literally everyone she sees in front of her, she only lets Jinyoungie see him because he is her favorite,”

But Youngjae can’t simply sit and wait for news, he can’t wait for Jaebum to come talk to him, he knows that won’t happen. “Huh, alright. I will try it though,”

Jackson holds on him again, it’s getting annoying, Youngjae doesn’t like it but it’s not like he has the strength to protest, “Not right now, right? Dude, you can’t walk around like this, you’re so pale and so cold, it’d be stupid you look like a ghost, no offense,”

“It’s none of your business,” Youngjae says, forcing his arm out of Jackson’s reach, he doesn’t need Jackson of all people telling him what to do. The boy follows him mumbling something Youngjae can’t understand.

“Oh god, you’re so stubborn, if you are going to come on I will give you a ride, Jaebum would kill me if I let anything happen to you,” Jackson says in a dry tone, pulling Youngjae by his arm again so he can follow him to the parking lot. He thinks about protesting, but it’s too cold for him to walk to Jaebum’s house, also his legs are shaking too much, he knows he wouldn’t be able to get there as fast as he needs.

They don’t speak, Youngjae hugs his knees to his chest, he doesn’t even care that he has his feet on Jackson’s leather seat, he feels like crying. The worry he is feeling is devouring his chest, it’s just… he can’t name it, the feeling, it’s worse than fear, it’s stopping him from breathing right. He just needs Jaebum to be alright and to not be by himself on that enormous house of his.

When they are almost there, Jackson slows the car so he can talk to Youngjae, “I’m sorry if I came out as rude, I didn’t know you cared about him like that,” he doesn’t even look at Jackson because he doesn’t care, he is in this car right now just because he needs to, “honestly, when I saw you two together and he got me to talk to Bambam to get information about you… I just thought Jaebum had a dumb crush and you were playing hard to get so it was making him moody, he was so moody these past days you have no idea… anyways, didn’t know you were friends or whatever. So that’s why I’m telling you, dude you don’t have to look worried like that, he is alright, it’s not the first time shit like that happens, he-”

Youngjae opens the car door as soon as Jackson parks in front of Jaebum’s house, “it’s not the first time? You say it as if it makes things ok or normal, you had to take him to a hospital! I don’t know how this is not enough for you to worry about him but I also don’t care, thanks for the ride,” he slams the door extra hard.

Youngjae still feels as if he is about to pass out here, he isn’t shaking as much as he was before but the weird feeling on his stomach won’t go away. He is so close to see Jaebum though, he needs to do it, needs to not be afraid. Jackson drives off as soon as Margareth opens the door for him, “Oh, hello! Are you here to see Jaebum?” She doesn’t give him enough time to reply, “I’m sorry but I’m afraid it won’t be possible, you should come back another day.” And then just like that she is trying to close the door on Youngjae’s face.

“Wait! No! Please, I just need to see him, I swear if he needs to rest I won’t be too long, I just need to see that he is alright with my own eyes,” Youngjae begs. Margareth looks like a tough woman, he can’t really read her face.

“It’s not up to me, but… come in, Mrs.Im will tell you ‘no’ herself,”

As soon as Youngjae gets into the house he sees Jaebum’s mother, he has seen her around town a lot so he knows who she is, she has a tray on her hands and she looks at Youngjae as if he is an intruder, which he kinda is right now. “What is this, Margareth?”

“Mrs, this boy is Jaebum’s friend and he wants to see him,”

“Alright, but he won’t because as I told you my son is not receiving visits right now, so you can leave now boy,” she says dismissively, Margareth looks like she wants to say something like ‘told you so’, but Youngjae isn’t leaving without seeing Jaebum, no way.

“Listen, Mrs. Im, I just want to see your son, I won’t tire him or anything, it’s just-- come on I’m skipping class to be here, I just need to see him,” he begs.

Jaebum’s mom rolls her eyes passing the tray full with breakfast food to Margareth, “take it to my son’s room, please Margareth, I will be there in a second,” as soon as the other woman leaves them she walks closer to Youngjae so she can look down at his face, “so, do you think you are Jaebum’s friend? So tell me boy, where were you when my son was drinking like there was no tomorrow? Did you know that he didn’t sleep at all for days? Wasn’t eating anything? All he did was drink, smoke and take whichever drugs he could find, he could have died! Why didn’t none of his so-called friends stop him? All you did was party with him, not caring about his well being just enjoying all the alcohol and drugs his money could buy, if you didn’t care about him then don’t pretend to care about him now.”

“Woah, so his friends didn't care?” Youngjae can’t believe how oblivious she can be, “you wonder where I was, but where were you _?_ You’re his mother, where were you on Christmas day or on New Year’s, where were you on his goddamn birthday? _You_ weren’t here to stop him either, he was all alone, so tell me how is this anyone’s fault but yours?”

Youngjae doesn’t remember ever talking to an adult or to anyone like that ever in his entire life, but he is so angry right now, so angry that she won’t take responsibility for her acts, that she won’t let him see Jaebum. She is looking at Youngjae as if she is about to slap him, all red on the face, but he doesn’t feel fear, for once Youngjae isn’t scared of someone looking at him like that. “You have the audacity to come uninvited to _my_ house to talk to me like that? You’re not seeing my son today, you are not seeing him at all while I can stop you. Now leave or I will call the police, you’re not welcome here.”

Still not afraid, “you want his friends to care about him, well I do. I’m here because I care about him, let me see him. I was here on Christmas Eve, _I_ was here and you weren’t, he was lonely and I was here… after it everything became a mess yeah, but I do care and if you care as well you should let me see your son,” it’s not a good argument, it’s not even an argument if you think about it but for some reason Jaebum’s mother seems shaken up, maybe it made her feel guilty.

“Huh, and since you seem to know so much about him and this family... how was he on Christmas?”

“Alone,” there’s not much else to say, “the same way he probably was till his birthday,”

She rubs her temple sighing, “I don’t like you, just so you know that, I don’t like anything about you, boy. But you have five minutes, after it you are leaving. Come with me,” it was not his intention to have Jaebum’s mother not liking him, but there’s not much he can do about it at the time, he’s just so desperate to see the other boy and so angry at everyone, he feels quite guilty too, he just needs to make sure everything is alright. The anxiety is killing him.

When they get into the room the tray is on the bed next to Jaebum, Margareth standing close to it, Jaebum is wrapped on his white blankets it looks like a warm cocoon. “Have you ever seen him when he is like this?” Youngjae looks confused at her, he doesn’t know what ‘this’ means. “Don’t be scared, he won’t speak or acknowledge you, just have a look at him and then you can leave.”

The boy approaches Jaebum on his bed and indeed he doesn’t seem to _see_ Youngjae standing there at all, he’s lying on his side looking at the wall, his eyes looking empty. “I told you to not be scared, it’s just… something he does since he when was a kid, he closes himself off, doesn’t talk to anyone, doesn’t eat… I need him to eat at the moment though because he is recovering. I’m not having much luck with it. You see he used to do it a lot when he was younger, it’s his way of getting attention, it’s never this bad-”

Youngjae sits on the bed close to Jaebum’s blank face, his back to Jaebum’s mother so he can block her presence. He can feel his own eyes filling with tears, Jaebum looks so vulnerable, so small, it’s like Youngjae is looking at a helpless child. “Hey, Jaebum. It’s me, Youngjae, I came to see you,” but Jaebum doesn’t even blink, gaze fixed on the wall. Youngjae wants to touch him, it’s been so long since the last time he was able to do it but he doesn’t know if it’d help right now. “I was so worried about you, how are you feeling?”

It’s weird, the things Youngjae wants to say to Jaebum… he doesn’t feel comfortable saying them in front of anyone else, “Can I be alone with him?”

“No, and you only have three more minutes left so don’t waste it, sweetie,” Jaebum’s mother says from the door, she has her arms crossed, she looks bored and not as if she cares about what Youngjae has to say, still it’s uncomfortable.

“Jaebum, listen...” Youngjae can’t help it, he lets one of his hands fall to the boy’s hair, he just looks so liveless, he needs to touch him, needs to be sure that this is real. “That day, I didn’t mean to-- I shouldn’t have left, but I can’t go back in time, I can’t fix the things I have already done, but…” he plays with Jaebum’s hair and Jaebum’s eyes move to his face, Youngjae gasps softly, it’s not as if he says something he just looks but it’s already too much. His eyes so dark and so hurt too, it’s hard to look into them. “I won’t leave again, ever, I won’t leave you here by yourself again. I know people make promises all the time and they don’t stick to it, but I promise you that I will be here and that-”

“Your time is up, come with me, _Youngjae.”_ Jaebum isn’t looking at him anymore but just as if it’s nothing big he moves his head to Youngjae’s lap making his mother gasp this time, “Oh-- I guess, it was your attention he was after then,”

Youngjae wants to yell at her, she is so insensitive, he wonders how can she be a psychologist and act like that, she analyses her own son as if he is an experiment, says things as if he can’t hear her words or as if he wouldn’t be hurt by them. But all Youngjae does is accommodate himself better in the bed, Jaebum has a injury on his forehead, so he caresses around it lightly with his fingertips. “It’s alright, I’m not leaving,”

“Yeah, I guess you are not, see if you can make him eat, alright? We will be downstairs if he needs something,” Jaebum’s mother says not happily as she leaves the room, Youngjae supposes Margareth leaves too, he can’t really see them, all he can look at it’s at Jaebum’s pale face and dark circles, he looks so thin, so pale, it hurts Youngjae’s heart so bad seeing him like this. He feels responsible for it somehow, Mrs. Im was right, where was he when Jaebum needed someone? He was being selfish caring about his dumb problems, they are not as important as Jaebum, Youngjae feels horrible about himself again.

“Huh, this is a bit awkward, isn’t it?” No answer, “I know you’re angry at me for leaving that day, I want to talk about this with you but not right now, when you feel up to a conversation. There are things I want to tell you as well… and at the right moment, I will, for now just know that I’ve got you, yeah?”

Youngjae doesn’t know why is he making promises, he doesn’t even know if Jaebum really needs them, he doesn’t know if he can keep all of them either, but he knows he will try. He just wants it so bad, to be with Jaebum, to take care of him, he wants it all so bad. “Hey, this isn’t very comfy, let me just-”

Youngjae moves Jaebum from his lap, the boy doesn’t say anything, he sits facing the door now so he can rest his back on headboard, “come back here,” and so Jaebum does, it’s good to know that he is listening to him. Now it feels even better, Jaebum places his head on Youngjae’s lap and hugs his middle, as if he is cuddling a plushie. It feels nice, being able to be with Jaebum again, to touch him, they still have to talk, he knows things are a mess between them but at least he gets to be here with him and it’s nice even if he heart still hurts.

“Do you remember when I was having a bad-- a bad day and you helped me out talking about your first day at kindergarten? I suppose I should do it as well, it was really nice of you… not that I had an exciting first day at kindergarten, I didn’t want to show how cool I was to other kids,” Jaebum’s face is very peaceful at the moment, at least it seem to be.  “I actually wanted to cry and go back home, I cried all the way there but my mom said I had to stop it because I was embarrassing her, it made me cry even harder,” Youngjae chuckles remembering it, it wasn’t funny, “she-- anyways, Jihyo promised to share her ice cream with me at home if I stopped crying, so I did. I also didn’t want to embarrass anyone it wouldn’t be good.”

He tells Jaebum some stories about his childhood trying not to talk about depressing things, just light ones, none of them are too exciting, he can recognise he was a pretty boring kid, not that he isn’t boring anymore, so he has an idea, “hey, wanna hear about my first kiss?” Jaebum has been silent the entire time, Youngjae didn’t say it to annoy him, really he just wanted to talk about something slightly interesting but it’s good since it got a reaction from the other boy for the first time in almost two hours. Jaebum makes a negative noise on the back of his throat, shaking his head.

“Alright,” Youngjae smiles to himself, “it was just the first kiss you got the second one, no reason to get all grumpy about it,” it’s funny to him that because of something silly like that Jaebum doesn’t have a blank face on anymore, he isn’t saying anything or even looking at Youngjae but his face has a little more liveness to it. He talks a little more, tries to get Jaebum to eat something without success, goes as far as braiding a few strands of his hair while he sings softly to the boy in his lap till they fall asleep, it’s just a short nap, but soon Mrs. Im is back in the room to check on her son.

She isn’t pleased that Jaebum didn’t eat anything, her son doesn’t acknowledge her though, “Jaebum, I can’t really skip class everyday, you have to eat something so you can be strong enough to go to school tomorrow, I want to be able to see you, y’know,” Youngjae feels the other boy hold his breath for a few seconds then he is sitting up on the bed and taking two cookies and a glass of milk from the tray.

“I can’t believe this is what it takes for you to eat,” his mother says, Youngjae thinks it’s rude but being honest with himself he wasn’t expecting it to work either, it’s not as if he was lying, he really wants to see Jaebum tomorrow and if he ditches school again they will probably call his parents and he will be screwed. But the top priority is getting Jaebum strong again, if he will be able to attend school tomorrow is not that important, all Youngjae wants is for him to be healthy and feeling like himself again.

When it’s finally time for him to get home it’s one of the hardest things Youngjae has ever done, Jaebum clings to his waist, he just won’t let go doesn’t matter how many times Youngjae tries to explain how he can’t stay any longer and how he will be back when he can, that they will see each other tomorrow, after what feels like an eternity he does let go but he looks like so disappointed, as if Youngjae is hurting him by leaving. So he kisses Jaebum’s forehead just under his injury and promises to call him as soon as he gets home, it makes the sad look soften a little.

Mrs. Im doesn’t say anything to him when he leaves even though he does say goodbye, it’s not like his feelings are hurt by it, he just regrets a little the way he spoke to her earlier, he doesn’t think it’s good for him having Jaebum’s only family hating him but he will have to worry about it later. When he gets home his father wants him to help fixing something in the car, he does but all he wants to do is go to his room so he is a little distracted thinking about Jaebum and he messes up, of course he does, gets his clothes dirty with grease and gets yelled at, Youngjae doesn’t even mind it much it’s good because he can go to his room already.

Calling Jaebum isn’t much better than being at his house talking without getting any reply, although the fact that he picked up is something Youngjae is really grateful for. He talks for a bit, not as much as he would if Jaebum would say something back, but he thinks it’s good enough. The older boy will make some noises from time to time and this is the most Youngjae gets, it’s alright. When Youngjae finally goes to bed he feels a little better than he felt in the past weeks, it’s not as if everything is ok, as if Jaebum is 100% ok, but at least he got to see the other boy, at least he knows he is safe now, that he isn’t all alone. He tries to not think about the other things that have been worrying him, at least for one night, he deserves a break.

He checks his phone and there are a lot of missed calls and texts from both Bambam and Yugyeom, Bambam texted him a lot, he even seemed a bit angry on the last texts. Youngjae replies saying that he is fine, apologizing for worrying them and that they will talk later, he knows there’s no way they won’t bug him about what happened and they will want to know why he ditched school he just can’t bring himself to care about it right now. He prays before falling asleep, all he asks is for god to let Jaebum sleep and eat normally, recover from what happened and to not feel lonely anymore. Youngjae also apologizes before he is finished up.

_Dear father, please… I’m sorry, I-- I’m very confused right now… you know what I’m confused about, if it makes you sad or disappointed on me I’m very sorry about it. I’m just trying to- I don’t know I’m just trying to figure things out I guess, I don’t think I’m an evil person for that, right? I don’t want to disappoint you, I don’t want to be someone you wouldn’t be proud of, it’s just not fair, I don’t think this is fair… I’m trying to be a good person though... Please just take care of me, take care of Jaebum as well. Forgive me if I’m doing the wrong thing, I swear I’m trying to do my best... Amen._

Although Youngjae feels a little guilty after he is done praying, after remembering the things that have been in his head for some time now, he isn’t all sad, he feels braver, even if he didn’t do anything big it’s like he has gained a little bit of control over things in his life and it feels good, not being so afraid all the time feels pretty good.

 

**_me -_ **

_pls take care of urself (10:49 PM)_

_good night <3 (10:49 PM) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- 7k wasn't my intention sorry if it's too long/boring but i couldn't make it two different chapters it wouldn't be smooth.... next one should be shorter;  
> \- i hope u enjoyed this chapter tho  
> \- anyways i have a twitter account so if u ever want to talk or something my dms are open :) (i'm @youngjaelitism there and all i do is cry over yj or uni)


	10. Third option

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was going to be called 're-do',,,, so it might be a lil like a re-do lol

It’s not that making decisions is a hard task for Youngjae, but he never gets to make them, someone will always take it from his hands and he will have to go with it, it’s just the way it is. This time though no one will make this decision for him, no one even knows about it so it’s probably the only reason why he has some autonomy on the matter. He stares at his reflection on the mirror fluffing up his hair anxiously, Youngjae never puts too much thought on how he looks before going to school but today he does, a lot of thought really.

He picked his best pants, his pastel pink hoodie and even his cleanest pair of sneakers, not that he thinks that this will make much of a difference, but he wants to look as good as he can manage. The boy knows exactly why he wants to look good, it’s because of the decision he already made but is pretending that he didn’t. This matter has been in his head for the longest time now and Youngjae knows that if he thinks much more about it he will end up backing off, and if he’s being honest with himself this is the last thing he wants right now. Even if he is not sure if this is the best decision it’s still his decision, he made it and he wants to stick to it, wants to make it count. The guilt feeling in the pit of his stomach won’t leave him alone for even a second though.

At school Youngjae checks himself again now on the small mirror he keeps on his locker, he feels kinda ridiculous being so worried about his looks but then he spots Jaebum, the boy is walking on his direction with Jade, she is a short girl with curly light hair and pretty eyes, she is talking nonstop getting no reply from the boy beside her. Youngjae feels his heart jumping to his throat, Jaebum never texted him back last night, he wasn’t even sure if the boy was coming to school today or not, of course he hoped but the fact is that he’s still surprised. Youngjae doesn’t have time to calm his heartbeat down though, Jaebum passes by him not sparing him a glance, Youngjae’s mouth falls open, did Jaebum not notice him standing right in front of him? This is impossible, it’s still early, there aren’t too many people around, Jaebum saw him but he pretended he didn’t and this is not right, this is bullshit.

“Oh, so he is back already,” Bambam startles him coming out of nowhere, “see you didn’t have to worry about him at all.” So Bambam saw him too, Youngjae feels pathetic standing there watching Jaebum’s back leaving quickly, he thought they’d-- “Are you going to explain why you left yesterday, Jae? We were so worried, dude, didn’t you have a quiz?”

Youngjae doesn’t have time for this, well he does but he doesn’t want to explain himself to anyone, also he forgot completely about this goddamn quiz he will have to talk to his teacher later. “Bammie, can we talk about this later? I’m not feeling alright right now,” it’s not even a lie, he was feeling good in a way he isn’t used to feel, but now all he feels is something burning his chest, crashing his hopes.

“Come on, bro, what happened? You can talk to me y’know, tell me what’s wrong or if something happened, because we saw you--”

“Later, alright?” Youngjae says walking away to his classroom, all he wants right now it’s to be by himself, he can hear Bambam’s protests but he doesn’t care. This was not supposed to be happening, it’s not like he expected Jaebum to do something like hug him or whatever, but he had to ignore Youngjae like that? This is bullshit and he wants to punch him right in his stupid face.

He can’t pay attention to class at all, he is so angry, not disappointed or sad, just angry, so angry. When Youngjae realizes it he is already sitting in the cafeteria with Bambam and Yugyeom facing him, there are two other girls in the table but they aren’t sitting too close to them. Yugyeom is speaking for some time now but all Youngjae can do is smash his food angrily while he stares at Jaebum, the other boy is sitting with his friends, Youngjae didn’t see he open his mouth to talk to them not even once but he hasn’t looked at Youngjae either which is making the boy even angrier and angrier by the second. He’s so done with being ignored, he thought they were over this.

“Calm down there, bad boy, what did the potatoes do to you?” Yugyeom says playfully, but then he is looking worried again, “hey, huh, Jae… for real, what’s wrong with you, bro? Why won’t you stop looking at _their_ table,” Youngjae knows exactly which table he is talking about so he averts his eyes from the called table even though there’s no use to it anymore.

“It’s nothing,” he mumbles, Bambam starts to protest but Youngjae stops him, “listen, can’t I be moody for once in my life? Do I have to be always smiling and being positive? I’m a real person too and I have bad days just like everyone,” he bursts, he knows it’s uncalled for, they are just worried about him but he can’t help how he feels, he needs to break something.

The table is silent for long minutes while the others boys pretend to be busy with their food, “I don’t think this is fair to us,” Yugyeom finally speaks up again, Youngjae also doesn’t think this is fair but it’s already done. “We were just worried you haven’t been acting like yourself these past weeks, you look always sad or tired, also you don’t speak to anyone like that, you’re short tempered lately… and you never ditch class, you were here but then you were gone? And why did you leave with Jackson? I thought you two hated each other,”

“Oh,” Youngjae didn’t know they knew about this, he doesn’t want to explain what happened, he thought he would have to explain eventually but what for? It doesn’t seem relevant anymore, “it’s just… I wasn’t feeling good, I had a headache, you know… Jackson gave me a ride because he was going to ditch too, it wasn’t that important,”

“That’s funny since he came back but wouldn’t tell us where he left you at,” Bambam says making a face as if saying ‘caught ya’, and he did. Youngjae’s face burns, he hates being caught in a lie, it makes him feel even more stupid not being able to come up with a good story.

“Well, it was what he told me, if he came back… what can I do? He is the liar one,” none of his friends seem to be buying it, Youngjae looks back at Jaebum and he seems to be very interested in what Jade is talking about. “Okay, that’s a lie, I’m lying, alright? But I’m not ready to talk about this yet, so can you two give me some time?”

Yugyeom looks surprised but Bambam doesn’t, it’s like he knew it was a lie and was just waiting for Youngjae to admit it, “it’s way better if you don’t tell lies, isn’t it? We won’t press the matter anymore, but you can talk to us we you ready, we will be here, yeah?” Bambam squeezes his arm lightly, Youngjae should appreciate his friends better but all he can feel is relief that he won’t have to tell anything to them right now and that he can go back to stare angrily at Jaebum.

He does apologize though, he can’t be a dick to the only good people he has in his life, “I’m sorry… for snapping at you guys, won’t happen again. Are we good?” They smile at him joking about temperamental friends, Youngjae smiles at them back but it’s not genuine, the disappointment is creeping inside him.  

When it’s finally time to go home Youngjae feels like he is having a dejavu as if he had already lived this same situation, Jaebum is in the parking lot with his friends smoking again. This time Youngjae doesn’t have to lie to his friends, he says he will go to church since he has choir practice which isn’t a lie, he will be going there just not now. He will talk to Jaebum before anything else, he will solve whatever it is that is going on between them, he can’t live another day not knowing where they stand, just last night he thought they were alright, apparently not.

Youngjae feels himself getting more nervous with each step he takes towards the group, at this point Jaebum can’t pretend to not be seeing him anymore so he looks straight at the boy, it’s so intense, Youngjae can’t really forget how he feels when Jaebum looks at him but it’s like it gets stronger every time it happens, it’s like a new experience every time.

“I need to talk to you,” his voice sounds way more confident than he feels. Jaebum looks at him for a few seconds not saying anything till he does.

“Leave,” Youngjae’s mouth falls open for the second time that day, he can’t believe after everything this is how Jaebum is going to end things between them. Seeing his reaction the other boy rolls his eyes tiredly, “not you. All of you get the fuck off my car,” Jaebum says at his friends, there’s not too many of them today as the last time but they all look at Jaebum as if he is crazy, except for Jinyoung who just rolls his eyes as well getting his backpack and leaving with a blonde boy without saying a word. Not everyone is so understanding though.

“Are you serious, Jaebum? You haven’t said a word the entire day and the first thing you say directed to us is ‘leave’? What the hell, man?” Jade almost shouts from Jaebum’s right side, Youngjae definitely doesn’t like her or her voice.

“I said get the fuck off, so get the fuck off,” his voice is cold and if it was directed at Youngjae he knows he would be crying by now, but she just curses at him leaving with Mia and the girl from the other day, Youngjae still doesn’t know her name. She says something about him losing her number whenever he needs to get his dick wet again, Youngjae eyes budge at that, so maybe the rumors about them weren’t wrong.

Jaebum looks him expectantly waiting for Youngjae to say something, he’s feeling like he lost his voice though. “Huh-- should you be smocking already?” Youngjae says when all Jaebum does is blow smoke at his face and he can’t think of anything to say.

“Shouldn’t you be minding your own business?” He retorts coldly.

And wow Youngjae won’t lie and pretend that he was expecting for things to be 100% alright between them but he wasn’t expecting for _that_ either. “Woah, yeah, maybe you’re right, it’s not like I don’t have enough on my plate as it is, right? Shouldn’t be looking for more trouble like this, anyways,” Youngjae says turning his back so he can leave, he feels humiliated, he doesn’t take more than two steps before Jaebum is pulling him towards his own body quickly making the younger boy almost yell in surprise. “What the fu-- Jaebum, are you out of your mind? We are in public!”

But Jaebum doesn’t let go of him, there aren’t a lot of people around so Youngjae is lucky but it’s not like they are invisible people can still see them like that, “I thought you said you wouldn’t leave me, wasn’t that what you said yesterday?” Jaebum whispers in his ear sending goosebumps through Youngjae’s entire body, the boy turns so he is able to look at Jaebum’s face and put some space between them even if the other’s arms don’t leave his waist.

“I- yeah, I said that, but if you want me to leave I won’t force myself on you,” he whispers, not that he needs to but it feels appropriate. Youngjae can’t take his eyes off Jaebum’s mouth while he speaks, it’s like they are calling for him, his face warms up at the sign, “listen, we need to talk--”

“That’s exactly what I don’t want to do… I don’t want you to fucking leave, you’re not _forcing yourself on me_ come on stop with that bulshit, Choi, you know it perfectly so don’t play around, I want you here,” Jaebum says bringing their chests together using his arms on Youngjae’s waist, the boy doesn’t even try to fight it anymore. “But I don’t want to talk, alright? I don’t want to talk about anything that happened these past weeks,”

“Anything? Jaebum, we need to--”

“No, we don’t and I don’t want to, can’t we hang out just like we were doing before-- before shit hit the fan? Come on, let’s not make things complicated between us,” one of Jaebum’s hands come up to brush over Youngjae’s neck, and maybe this is a little too much so he tries to beat it away but all he gets to do is hold Jaebum’s arm and somehow it feels even worse, read more intimate, than before.

“No, Jaebum we can’t… we need to talk to figure things out between us, we can’t just ignore things or it’ll come back to bite us,” Youngjae tells him.

“It won’t, Choi. Everything is alright, I’m here, you’re here, everything is fine, isn’t it?” And then Jaebum is leaning in and kissing his cheek softly, it makes Youngjae gasps, it’s like Jaebum’s lips burn his face, he feels disoriented and he bets this is exactly what the other wants.

“It’s not fine… you were mad at me, you weren’t picking up the phone when I called and we need to talk about--”

Jaebum lets go of him altogether giving him space, it makes Youngjae feel extremely cold, he knows they are in public and that they shouldn’t even be holding each other like that but he feels disappointed anyway, “I don’t want to talk about this! I’m not mad so just let it go,” but his voice is as cold as ever and he sounds _very_ mad.  “I’ll pick you up at half past ten, wear something warm. Do you need a ride?”

“What? What you will be picking me up for? It’s school night,” Youngjae protests before Jaebum can get inside his car.

“I have a race and you’re going with me, so do you need a ride or not?” Jaebum looks at him but he doesn’t look interested in whether Youngjae needs something or not, “don’t give me this look, just text me later if you can’t make it, I don’t plan on waiting for you all night long.”

“You were in a hospital just a few days ago, should you be doing all this already?” Youngjae asks worriedly, he doesn’t even care that it shows in his voice, he doesn’t think Jaebum driving like a crazy person is the best idea at the time.

“Don’t baby me... but if you want to make sure I’m alright you should go with me, shouldn’t you?” Jaebum smirks smugly at him, Youngjae doesn’t like it because he doesn’t look genuine, it’s like he is forcing himself to act like this but there’s nothing the boy can do about it right now, he really should go to his practice already, he will figure things out with Jaebum later. So he refuses the ride, Jaebum doesn’t seem to mind it much he just drives off promising to see Youngjae at night.

The practice isn’t so bad, even though Youngjae can’t put much effort on it it’s not like he needs to anyways, they are just singing some songs he’s been singing his entire life. Anna tries to talk to him about how he is holding up with the entire ‘Jihyo situation’, like they like to call it, but Youngjae isn’t in the mood to talk with her, he feels hated by her even though he knows she always treated him with love and care, he shouldn’t be ungrateful but every time he looks at her he thinks about her words the last time they spoke. It’s not that uncomfortable though, he does what he has to do and it’s alright. At dinner Youngjae even speaks to his mother, she’s in a good mood today and even compliments his hair, for some reason it makes him feel a little better about himself.

Youngjae doesn’t even try to pretend that he is being casual with his outfit and his appearance tonight, he picks his black ripped jeans, he bought them without his father knowing since the old man hates ripped clothes, it’s so tight Youngjae thinks he looks pretty good while he looks at his butt in the mirror, then he is blushing and getting a blue jacket from his closet. He shouldn’t be putting so much thought into it, he knows he shouldn’t, Jaebum isn’t even being nice to him and yet he wants to look good, he wants Jaebum to touch him again just like he did earlier, to maybe get even further than before.

Before he can leave his bedroom Youngjae prays, it doesn’t feel as natural as it always does, he is ashamed if he’s being honest, God can see everything he is doing, is probably judging his choice right now, being disappointed on him and Youngjae knows that, so he feels guilty but he doesn’t ask for forgiveness, he is doing it because he wants to, even if it’s wrong it’s his choice so he shouldn’t regret it all the time.

Outside is quite cold, he didn’t really think about being warm when he tried to look good, hot but not warm he thinks to himself, so he runs to Jaebum’s car already awaiting for him, he gets inside it rubbing his hands together to warm them up throwing his backpack at the back seats. “Wow, if you want me to fuck you this bad you can just ask for it, sweetheart,” Jaebum whistles as soon as he lays eyes on Youngjae, he drives off quickly.

“You have such a way with words, thanks, you look alright,” the truth is that Jaebum looks amazing, Youngjae can admit to himself, and to himself only, that Jaebum looks hot as hell. He can’t say it out loud, he is blushing because of Jaebum’s words, he can’t imagine himself saying anything quite like that so he justs keep his mouth shut.

The drive to wherever they are going to isn’t comfortable like it used to be when they were off to somewhere, mainly because they don’t speak a lot, whenever Youngjae tries to start a conversation Jaebum will cut him off with short answers or no answer at all, so the boy soon gives up on it crossing his arms and staring at the dark night, it’s not like he can see anything but it’s better than look at Jaebum’s scowl. He wonders if it’s worth it, the things he is risking, the things he is ignoring, everything he believes in and he is just throwing it all out for a boy who won’t even talk to him, he feels suffocated by his thoughts.

Youngjae didn’t think it could be worse than last time but it is, if last time Jaebum treated him as if was an accessory this time around he doesn’t treat Youngjae as anything because it’s like the boy isn’t even there, as if he is invisible. He just follows Jaebum around, the other boy doesn’t talk to him not even once, no explanations of what he is doing, who are the people he is speaking to or anything. Youngjae is freezing here and Jaebum won’t even stand close to him like he usually does.

He only speaks to Youngjae again when he explains that he will be racing next and that Youngjae will be going with him, “I won’t leave you here by yourself again,” he says not even letting the other boy protest about it.

“Not like you care about it,” Youngjae mumbles getting into the car again, Jaebum looks surprised as if he wasn’t expecting to hear anything like that, as if he doesn’t even deserve to be hearing things like that, but he doesn’t say anything to defend himself.

There’s a girl in front of the two cars, Youngjae thinks she is crazy, she will be the one who will give the start to the race, she doesn’t look scared though he supposes she is used to it and that she probably even likes doing stuff like that. As soon as she give the start Youngjae closes his eyes, he can hear Jaebum laughing beside him, he is speeding up Youngjae knows he is because of the loud noises the car is doing, when he opens his eyes again it’s just for a second or so because as soon as the other car passes by them Jaebum is cursing loudly and speeding up even more. He can’t look at it for too long, they are in a city and Youngjae can see houses and tiny shops, this is dangerous, this is stupid he shouldn’t be here.

Jaebum’s car is following the other one closely, too closely, they almost touch at some point, at least Youngjae thinks they do and he yells at Jaebum to slow down, “slow down? We are in a race, baby” he says loudly, way too loud and way too happy. It’s like the situation makes Jaebum happier than anything in the world, Youngjae has seen him happy before, he looks soft and like a big baby, right now he is happy too but in a different way he looks dangerous and sharp around the edges instead, Youngjae hates it, he has never been scared of being with Jaebum, at least not the way he is right now.

They are side by side with the other car now, both Jaebum and the other boy roll down their windows so they can yell something at each other, Youngjae can’t really make it out, the street is narrow and they are just so, so fast, the cold air entering the car is making him shiver and regret all his decisions. When Jaebum speeds up even more so he can overtake the other car he almost loses control, Youngjae sees a group of women on the sidewalk and they scream startles by the cars by passing them. Youngjae yells too, the car almost hit them and Jaebum doesn’t even seem to care, the boy is about to fall in tears and Jaebum doesn’t even care, the race doesn’t last for much longer after it.

Jaebum wins, because of course he does, he gets out of the car to celebrate with his friends while Youngjae stays in there looking at his shaky hands resting on his even shakier legs, this is one of the worst experiences of his life and even though he can hear all the noise outside the car he turns everything off. He stays there for a long time, he doesn’t know how long but when he feels more like himself and like he can walk again he gets out of the car so he can go look for Jaebum. He has had enough, this is stupid, he should never have left his house tonight, there’s a lot of thing he should never have done in his life but nothing will ever top this.

Walking around it doesn’t take long for Youngjae to find Jaebum, it’s not like there are too many people here, it’s Tuesday in a small city, not as small as the one they live in, but too many people would draw too much attention, he is not sure if they care about it to be honest but that’s the conclusion he came up with. Jaebum is laughing with a group of people, Jade is by his side whispering something in his ear and wasn’t she angry at him? This is all stupid.

“I want to leave! I want to leave right now!” Youngjae says loudly in front of Jaebum not caring about all the other people who stop talking to look at him as if he is out of his mind.

“Come on, baby, aren’t you having fun? It’s too soon, come here,” Jaebum says tapping his lap, as if he expects Youngjae to sit on it, big fat chance of something like that happening.

“Do I look like I’m having fun here? Take me home now! Next time you can stay till the sunrise I don’t care cos I won’t be here, but right now just take me home!” He shouts, if it’s possible everyone gets even quieter than before, not Jaebum though, he laughs loudly getting to his feet.

“Didn’t know you had a temper, come on then, baby, let me take you home.” He says goodbye to his friends and walks Youngjae back to his car, Jaebum tries to put his hand on Youngjae’s small back but the boy won’t let him. “Why are you being such a bitch tonight?”

Youngjae looks scandalized at him resting against Jaebum’s car, “are you kidding me? I’m being a _bitch?_ Jaebum, what do you think I’m here for? To do illegal shit while you almost kill people, while you almost get ourselves killed and it all for fun? Do you think this is fun to me? I don’t want to be here, you’re an asshole to me, I have no reason to be here at all.”

Since Jaebum didn’t unlock the car Youngjae can’t get in yet and the other boy just looks at him for a moment, “why did you come then? You knew what we were doing tonight, I didn’t force you, you’re here because you want to, you’re being a bitch because you want to,”

“Don’t be so dense, alright? I came because I wanted to talk to you, I thought we would be able to do that but it doesn’t seem like you care about talking to me, so don’t worry I will stop insisting on it, after tonight you won’t need to see me again, you can keep doing whatever you want, just get me home and you will be Youngjae-free.” Youngjae is the one with a cold voice right now, he doesn’t care if Jaebum looks hurt, not after everything he pulled today.

“It’s that easy for you to give up and leave?” His voice is low.

“That easy? Really? You treat me like shit and you say I’m giving up easily? I know exactly why you’re treating me like that, alright? It’s because you’re still angry about the Christmas thing but you don’t want to talk about it so we won’t even fix things between us, it seems to me that you are the one giving up here.”

Jaebum pinches the bridge of his nose sighing, “fuck, you want to talk? Talk then, say whatever the fuck you want if it will make you feel better about yourself.”

He waited for it for a long time, everything he wanted to say for weeks so things would be fine between them again but right now Jaebum seems to be too closed off as if he doesn’t want to hear anything Youngjae has to say, it’s awful, the feeling in his stomach right now is awful but it’s probably his last chance he will get so he just goes for it.

“I just- I’m sorry, alright? I know what I did wasn’t something nice, I know you’re mad that I left after you asked me not to, honestly… I-- I didn’t mean to leave, but I shouldn’t have kissed you either,” Jaebum’s face closes off even more, “no, not because I didn’t want to, I wanted to, but I wasn’t ready that’s why I left, I wasn’t ready and I was scared. This is all very new to me, y’know? I regret kissing you that day because I regret leaving you right after it, I wish things were different but they are already done, I’ll understand it if you don’t want to do this, whatever it is, anymore but tell me, alright? Don’t be passive aggressive with me, I don’t think I deserve that.”

Jaebum had his arms crossed but then he lets them fall to his sides getting closer to Youngjae, “I’m not mad at you… I wasn’t mad,” Youngjae doesn’t believe it and it shows on his face, “really I wasn’t, but… we were getting too close too fast and… and then you left, Choi. You just left, how do you think I felt? I wasn’t mad at you, I was scared too when you called I thought it would be to tell me we wouldn’t ever see each other again. All you would do in your texts was apologize, I didn’t know if you still wanted to talk to me, not really, so I thought if I answered your calls you would just… you know, leave for good.”

“Oh,” Jaebum has never been so honest with him, Youngjae knows how he feels about talking about his feelings and how he feels about being abandoned, but he didn’t know he caused all this to the other boy. He was feeling guilty before but now he feels even worse, Youngjae touches Jaebum’s hand lightly with his fingers getting the boy’s attention. “That was not-- that was not my intention, I just wanted things to go back to normal. I’m sorry that I hurt you like that,” he brings his other hand to Jaebum’s chin so he can lift it up and they look into each other eyes. “I don’t want to leave you at all, Jaebum, I want to be here with you. Well, not here _here_ but you know what I mean.”

“What do you want then? Cos I just see two options here, we either don’t do this at all, like not even as friends, we just don’t see each other anymore, or,” Jaebum almost smiles but he isn’t confident enough for it he gets closer to Youngjae, their bodies almost touching now. “We do it like that, like we’ve been doing before but no fights anymore, we will just let things happen, we will hang out--”

Their lips are very close, Jaebum’s hot breath making Youngjae’s head spin, “what if I have a counter-proposal? What if-- what if I give you a third option?” Jaebum nods his head encouraging him to continue whispering a soft ‘go on’. “Third is option is we don’t just _keep doing it like before,_ option three is you and me together,” he interlocks his fingers with Jaebum’s, he sounds so confident, his voice doesn’t break at all even though his heart is almost ripping his chest open with how fast it beats. “You let me take care of you and I’ll even let you do the same to me as well, but we have to be together, the two of us, you know exclusively and you won’t tell me to mind my own business because you will be my business too,”

The words are leaving his mouth so quickly he can’t believe he is the one saying them, he hears it but he can’t believe it. But the truth is that this is everything he’s been thinking for sometime now, _this_ is what he wants, he doesn’t want to just hang out with Jaebum, get in trouble, live things he doesn’t know if he deserves, risking himself and not _being with_ Jaebum, not really.

“Are you saying-- Choi, do you want to be my boyfriend, is that what you’re saying?” Jaebum’s smile is huge, is blinding. Youngjae isn’t ready to say the B word yet, he doesn’t know how he feels about admitting it even if it’s pretty clear that yeah that’s exactly what he wants from Jaebum. He nods his head yes, he’s been scared of this moment, scared that Jaebum will think he is delusional to think someone like him will really want to be with Youngjae and he gets even more scared when Jaebum’s smile drop, but it doesn’t last long, “I’ll take whatever you give me, baby,” he whispers and then just like this he gets even closer to Youngjae.

Jaebum lets his lips run through Youngjae’s cheeks and jaw lightly, giving his skin little kisses from time to time, Youngjae sighs, he can’t believe what is happening, they are in public but no one here really knows him, he doesn’t think this is dangerous and even if it was he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. He wouldn’t be able to stop his arms from finding Jaebum’s shoulders so he can hold on them, he wouldn’t be able to stop the small whimper that leaves him when Jaebum kisses the corner of his mouth. He knows what it means so he nods his head again.

They don’t waste time anymore, at first Jaebum just lets their lips touch lightly, it’s not even a kiss really it’s just a touch but then he is adding pressuring to it, Youngjae presses back as well and they start moving together. It’s way better than the kisses they shared at Jaebum’s house, even if it isn’t as passionate, this one is soft and they aren’t in a hurry, they just want to feel the other one and it feels nice, feels right. Jaebum is pushing him against the car so he can get their bodies impossibly close together.

“Jae-Jaebum,” Youngjae says softly between kisses, he doesn’t have to say anything else, Jaebum kisses him harder running his hands through his sides. Youngjae is holding on him tightly, even though their bodies are plastered together the wind is too cold here, he thinks that maybe they should move it to the car but he doesn’t want to stop the kiss just to say it. He lets his tongue touch Jaebum’s soft lips sending electricity through their bodies, he tastes the cigarettes on them, it shouldn’t be as good as it is, but he loves it. Before he can deepen the kiss he is listening to someone clearing their throat right by his side.

“I don’t mean to cock block you, in this case, I really don’t, but we kinda have to go right now,”

Jaebum lets go of him and Youngjae hides his burning face behind his hands when he realizes Jaebum’s friends looking at them with twin smirks on their face, god he can’t believe what he was doing.

“Jackson, I’m going to fucking kill you! Get lost if you don’t want me to break--”

“Hey, hey, calm down there,” Jinyoung intervenes, “Mark and the other boys had a problem in the city… hum, they had to leave we can’t come back with them and you know Jackson had a-- you know what? Doesn’t matter, we need to leave now, like really...”

Youngjae finally looks around and indeed most of the cars left already or are leaving right now, he wonders what kind of problem they got themselves into but he doesn’t have time to ask anything, Jaebum is looking at them as if he is really about to kill them the soft look long gone from his face, “fuck, get in the car already. I don’t want to hear your fucking voices though,” he says unlocking the car, Jackson looks hurt but Jinyoung just rolls his eyes unbothered.

Jaebum drives off as soon they all are inside the car, no one says anything but after some time he puts his hand on Youngjae’s thigh holding on it possessively, they are pretty fast so Youngjae thinks he probably shouldn’t do that but he won’t be the one saying something about it. He blushes, smiling looking down at the other boy’s hand placing his own hand over it when he looks up Jaebum is smiling at him as well. “Oh my god, Jaebum! Pay attention to the fucking road! I don’t intend to get myself killed on a Tuesday night.”

So Jaebum does look back at the road just scowling quickly at Jackson, his hand never leaves Youngjae’s thigh. Youngjae thinks it’s funny, how Jaebum looks at him as if he holds the moon with so much care in his eyes, and then in the next second he is scowling at someone else, maybe he shouldn’t feel powerful about this but he does, he feels important in a pleasant way. He chooses what they will listen to, picking T-ara to Jinyoung’s discontentment, but Youngjae doesn’t care because Jaebum says he can listen to whatever he wants and tells the others to shut up making him smile all the way home.

Getting close to his house Youngjae starts to worry, he had something planned but now with Jackson and Jinyoung here he doesn’t know if he will be able to do it, being able to admit his feelings were already so hard for him and he didn’t even do it properly. When they finally get to a stop in front of his house he knows he should just leave the car already, “Jackson, can you get me my backpack?” Jackson does and here goes nothing. “Huh, can you two like look the other way, please?”

“What? What for?” Jackson asks curiously, that was not Youngjae’s intention.

“If he asked you to look the other way fucking look the other way. Now!” Jaebum doesn’t yell but his voice is cold, Youngjae thinks he isn’t in good terms with his friends at the moment, that or they are just very rude to each other. “What is it, baby?”

“Huh,” Youngjae takes a take-out box from his backpack, that’s the only reason why he brought it with him, he got it after choir practice, he didn’t know if he was going to do it but really he thinks he already bought it no reason to let it got to waste. “You know how you spent your birthday in a hospital--”

“It was later, I got to celebrate it before,” Jaebum assures him, he doesn’t look happy remembering it though, he turned eighteen and Youngjae thinks the memory of this moment shouldn’t be something bad.

“Alright, but anyways I didn’t get to see you at your birthday, didn’t get to celebrate it with you so I got you this,” he opens the box and there’s a pink cupcake, it wasn’t expensive so it isn’t the best-looking cupcake in the world but it will have to do, “I couldn’t get a candle but hum… pretend that there’s one and make a wish… happy belated birthday, by the way.”

And if Youngjae thought Jaebum was looking lovingly at him before it was because he didn’t experience _this look_ before, he is looking at Youngjae as if he is the most precious person in the entire world, and he looks incredibly happy, happy in the right way this time, “my wish is already here, right in front of me,”

“Oh my god! I’m going to throw up please roll down the window, Jinyoungie.”

“Jackson, if you care for your life at all shut the fuck up right now and don’t look our way again. I will make you walk home,” Jaebum then looks back at Youngjae and pretends to blow an imaginary candle, proceeding to smash just a bit of the pink frosting on Youngjae’s nose getting closer so he can lick it quickly making the younger boy laugh loudly, too loudly into the silent night around them.

“You idiot, don’t do that!” he says smiling brightly though, “anyways, I better go now,” Jackson mumbles a ‘yeah, finally,’ which Youngjae ignores, “I will see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yes, you will,” Jaebum’s face gets closer to his making Youngjae’s breath speed up, “thank you for this and for you know… just thank you,” he nods his head, Jaebum has nothing to be thankful for but he won’t discuss it right now. He also doesn’t think Jaebum will kiss him, he probably thinks Youngjae won’t want to be kissed in front of the boy’s friends, he is not wrong and Youngjae appreciates it but he doesn’t want to just leave, so without thinking much about it he pecks Jaebum on the lips quickly and even before the other boy can react he is running out of the car.

He tries to muffle his giggles on his hands while he climbs up to his room, he sounds like a silly teenager, which he is so he supposes he has the right to react like that. It’s just… it’s just that Youngjae never got to experience things like this before, kissing someone before leaving their car in front of his house, he never even cared about someone in the way he cares about Jaebum. The thing he has in his chest right now, he never had it, it’s tight and kinda suffocating, it should be something bad but it’s so good instead, it’s exciting, it makes him want to scream from happiness, makes him want to laugh loudly, it burns but it’s good, a good kind of burn in his chest.

It’s the first time Youngjae doesn’t pray before going to bed since he can remember, it’s not because it’s super late in the night and he’ll be up in a few hours, it’s not because he forgets either, praying is something he has been doing his entire life the boy wouldn’t just forget about it, the truth is that he feels embarrassed and he doesn’t want to apologize, even if he feels like it was wrong he doesn’t regret it and he doesn’t want to ask for forgiveness when everything he wants is to do it all again tomorrow. So he justs pretends to himself that he is too tired to pray while he giggles into his pillow hugging it close to his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- i honestly wasn't happy with the last two chapters but i enjoyed this one better hopefully it is indeed better and everyone will enjoy it as well :) <3  
> \- another thing: this what ive been waiting for since i started writing this.... the part where i'll be able to develop their relationship, the next chapters will be centred on it so it might be boring but lol im so excited to write it, just a heads-up.. anyways i hope u enjoyed reading it and thxxxxxxxx <3
> 
>  
> 
> (so i wasn't going to post this today but i needed to distract myself from got7's world tour announcement..........)


	11. 36 questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- every little thing Jaebum will do in this chapter is for u @noona96n, maybe it will help with ur frustration towards him lol  
> \- everyone pls enjoy this chapter :)))

Everything was peaceful until it was not. Youngjae was eating his cereal till he was not, till he was ducking so to not get hit with a coffee mug by his father, his mother as yelling because of her tableware while Youngjae had to run from the kitchen, he doesn’t even remember what exactly he said for it all to turn like that, he ignored something his father asked and then apparently he talked back even if he can’t remember it. Trying to run to the door so he could leave to school wasn’t successful, his father pushed him to the ground making he fall over his arm to stop his face from getting hurt. Youngjae knows he wasn’t going to be beaten up just for that, his father has been angrier than normal and was most likely taking it out on him.

But then Youngjae was dumb enough to tell his mother to shut up, that’s something he has never done before, he can’t even say what came into him but she wouldn’t stop complaining about the broken mug while her husband was hurting her own son, it made the boy see everything red, the hatred he felt was something inexplicable. He yelled at her and the moment he did it he knew, he just knew he was screwed. His father whipped him with the belt while he was still on the living room floor, Youngjae doesn’t even know if it lasted for long or not, no idea how many times the belt made contact with his body, he went numb just watching his father’s angry face. When he was done he sent Youngjae back to his room saying he didn’t want to see his face again for the day _‘don’t leave your room, you’re grounded stay there till you learn some manners, use this time to pray,’_ as if leaving for his room as the worst punishment he could give to his son, as if he hadn’t do something way worse just now.

Youngjae lies in his bed, he should be on his English class right now, it’s one of the most boring classes he has but it would still be better than stay here, stay in this house feeling claustrophobic, feeling like the walls are about to swallow him alive. He texted Jihyo telling her he misses her and asking how is she doing, it’s a lie, he doesn’t miss her, he does sometimes but not as much as he thought he would miss the only family he really has. Youngjae thought of her because being hit and then having to be locked in his room makes him feel even lonelier, he remembers when she was here and things were bad but at least he had someone to share his pain with. The only reason why he doesn’t miss her much is that the feeling of gratefulness is bigger, he is grateful she isn’t here and doesn’t have to live with their parents anymore, grateful one of them is free.

Jaebum texts him wondering where Youngjae is, it makes the boy even sadder, after the race night they got close again just like it was before their ‘fight’, actually Youngjae thinks they got even closer, it’s not like they go around telling people that they are dating but they are, dating that’s it. Jaebum will take every opportunity to remember him what they are, the boy thinks it’s nice but he doesn’t know how to be a good boyfriend to him as well, sometimes it will make him feel just so guilty. They can’t spend much time together and they can’t do normal things, of course, they just started it and maybe Youngjae shouldn’t be so harsh on himself, but moments like now makes the guilty surge up, all he wants is to be with Jaebum, talk to him about everything, to not keep secrets anymore.

It’s already night when he decides to do something about it, he spent the entire day in his bed crying alone, he is done with it. Jaebum picks up in less than ten seconds, his voice sounding unnecessarily worried, “hey, baby, why didn’t you text me back? You know I only go to school to see that pretty face of yours, why didn’t you show up?”

Just listening to his voice will make Youngjae feel a little brighter, Jaebum has this power over him, it might be a bad thing but at the moment he can only see the positive aspect of it. “You will be graduating soon, shouldn’t you attend class for other reasons?” He asks, voice still a little shaky.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen? If you’re sick I can--”

“I’m not sick, Jaebum, you don’t have to worry. I was thinking though… if I let my window unlocked for you would you come over?” Youngjae asks nervously. And it takes Jaebum a long time to reply, making him even more nervous.

“Do you-- what? Do you want me to sneak in _?_ Choi, are you sure you’re alright?” Jaebum won’t let go of it but Youngjae doesn’t feel like pretending everything is fine either so he just ignores the question.

“Will you come or not? I just want to see your face, I don’t want to be alone… it’s alright if you can’t, of course, it is…” It’s not too late, his parents are home and they are still awake, it might be dangerous but Youngjae thinks it will be alright, if Jaebum doesn’t make any noises it will be fine. It’s risky, too risky but at this moment it seem worth it, if he doesn’t see Jaebum today they will only be able to see each other Monday and this is too far. The other boy agrees to it, he says he will be there soon and that he will text Youngjae when he’s outside so the boy doesn’t have to let the cold wind into his room.

Jaebum takes longer than Youngjae thought he would, which is good if he is thinks about it, the darker the better in this situation. Youngjae opens the window for him standing close to it to make sure no one will see him, when the other boy is finally inside he locks it and makes sure his door is locked as well. Jaebum is on him in a second, kissing at his nape, just the warmth of his body is already enough to make Youngjae feel better.

“I missed you so much, why did you skip school?” He asks pouting, it’s ridiculously cute, Youngjae is not even sure if he’s aware that he is doing it. Jaebum’s being dramatic too, they don’t even hang out at school, for some reason looking from afar seems to be extremely necessary to the older boy. He turns Youngjae around so he can kiss him properly but stops before their lips can make any contact, “what’s wrong with your face?”

“This isn’t nice, Jaebum,” Youngjae says pushing him away so he can sit on his bed acting as if he doesn’t know what he is talking about. But Jaebum is having none of it.

“Your eyes are so swollen and red, have you been crying? God, Choi, what happened to you? Why did you skip class? Come on, just…” He sits on Youngjae’s bed as well, putting the boy’s face on his hands so he can have a better look at it, Youngjae doesn’t try to fight it letting his boyfriend look all he wants, he doesn’t reply either though just looks back at Jaebum’s face, his nose is red from the cold wind, beautiful.

“Did you walk here?” He wonders, Jaebum explains that he walked to not let his car parked so close to Youngjae’s house, it’s very considerate of him to think about it and Youngjae tells him so kissing him softly, but not even kisses are distracting Jaebum tonight, he tries getting Youngjae to tell him what’s wrong again when Youngjae’s mother knocks on the door, they both go pale the younger boy hurrying him to hide.

“No, not in the closet!” Jaebum looks at him puzzled but doesn’t protest hiding between the closet and the wall.

When Youngjae opens the door he sees his mother standing there with a sandwich and a glass of orange juice, “I know what you father said earlier but it doesn’t mean that you have to stay all day here without eating anything,”

“I’m not hungry,” he mumbles not looking at her eyes, he is so angry at her, maybe more than at his father and he can’t let it show. “Thanks though,” Youngjae says taking the food from her hands so she can leave already, it’s just his luck that they never come to his room but decided to do it tonight of all nights, at least he is home he thinks to himself.

She doesn’t let him close the door though, “of course you’re hungry, you didn’t eat all day… I know how things have been hard on you now that your sister is gone, but you have to know that it’s harder for us than it will ever be for you,” Youngjae nods even if this is far from the truth, “you should watch the way you speak to us, you’re old enough to know what’s wrong and what’s right, and of course what we expect from you. We shouldn’t have to discipline you constantly like this, stop bringing it up on yourself and things will get better.” Then she leaves not saying anything more. Youngjae locks the door and places the food on his desk, he doesn’t feel like eating it, he doesn’t feel like doing anything, all he wants to do is cry, he wishes he didn’t call Jaebum here so he could cry by himself.

It’s so unfair that his mother will act as if he deserves this kind of treatment as if he should understand them and as if he not replying to something his father said is enough to be thrown at the floor. When Youngjae realizes it there are tears rolling down his face again he tries drying up his face quickly but Jaebum does it for him faster, he is looking down at Youngjae even more worried than before if that’s possible. “What the hell did she mean with those things? Baby, what does ‘discipline you’ even means? Did they make you skip class?”

It makes Youngjae cry harder, he hugs Jaebum while he cries and laughs bitterly at the innocence of his words, thinking Youngjae not going to school is the real punishment here, of course, he doesn’t like having to stay in his room all day not seeing anyone, isolated, but he would take it anyday over the humiliation he has to go through instead. He hugs Jaebum closer to him, getting the boy’s hoodie wet with tears while the other draws small circles on Youngjae’s back, after a while, he is able to calm his sobs down and Jaebum holds his face on his palms again looking him in the eyes.

“I need you to tell me what’s going on, the reason why you’re crying like that. Remember you said you would let me take care of you, yeah? I need to know what is going on to be able to do that,” Jaebum tells him, Youngjae nods his head pulling Jaebum so they can get comfortable in his bed again, so he can hide his face on the other boy’s neck. He understands what Jaebum means, Youngjae also wants him to tell him his problems so they can solve it together, but it seems stupid, how do you tell someone you live a living hell every day because of your own parents, it’s embarrassing that he doesn’t do anything about it. Embarrassing that maybe he deserves all of it.

“I-- I just… I don’t like it here, y’know? I wish I could move away as Jihyo did, that would be nice, I’m just sad because I had to stay,” it’s not a lie, he is sad that he had to stay even if that’s not the main reason why he is crying right now.

Jaebum hums as if he is trying to understand, “why did Jihyo leave by the way? What is so bad in here that the only way out is running away? I mean I get it, having crazy ass religious parents must suck real time, but to make you cry like that? To have your sister going away before graduating, Youngjae, what is so bad about it here?”

He rarely calls Youngjae by his name, it’s nice when he does, Youngjae feels something like a flower blooming in his stomach, he shakes his head so Jaebum can feel it, “it’s just bad…” he mumbles, it’s obvious that he won’t say anything further, he doesn’t want to lie to Jaebum but he isn’t ready to talk about all the things his parents do either.

“You could move in with me, you know? I’m not the nicest person to live with but since you seem to like me _so much_ maybe you would be able to endure it, what do you think?” That makes Youngjae look at him, finally. It can’t be serious, right?

“Dude, we’ve been dating for one week, you understand it, right? Not even two weeks, I’ve heard of fast but maybe you’re faster than the usual fast.” He says somehow playfully nudging Jaebum's ribs.

“We’ve been dating, huh?” Oh, right, Youngjae blushes, this is the first time he acknowledged their relationship for what it is, Jaebum will call him his boyfriend all the time but Youngjae can’t even get it out, he was able to do it this time and the look on Jaebum’s face made it worth it, he should call Jaebum his boyfriend soon. “By the way, _boyfriend,_ this is the first time I’m seeing this much skin… I like what I see,” he says wiggling his eyebrows and letting one of his hand run over Youngjae’s thigh, he is wearing basketball shorts since he’s been home all day and will soon go to sleep.

“Oh god, shut up and leave my skin alone,” Youngjae says beating his hand away and moving to sit on the other side of the bed, Jaebum smiles slyly at him moving on the bed as well so they can stay close to each other.

“Anyways, I know we’ve been dating for a short time, but you know I wouldn’t let you in a situation you’re not happy, right? If you need to leave this place to let me know, I’ll do whatever I have to do to make sure you get somewhere to be even if it’s not with me,”

His serious tone almost makes Youngjae cry again, a tear does fall from his eye and he is quick to dry it this time, no one has ever said something like that to him. It’s crazy that someone who has known him for a few months would care so much about him while people he has known his entire life can’t even see how miserable he feels most of the time. “Thank you, for saying these things, thank you.” Youngjae gets Jaebum’s hand on his so he can trace his cute short fingers with his fingertips, everything about the other boy is so beautiful, so endearing, Youngjae smiles thinking he likes even his hands. “You don’t have to worry though, can we talk about something else now? I’m alright, see?” He smiles, even if everything is not ok he is happy that Jaebum is here with him. Jaebum kisses his face not wet anymore but still a mess reassuring him that he can count on him for anything.

“So, Choi, tell me, have you ever heard about the thirty-six questions?” Jaebum asks after some time, they are sitting on the bed facing each other with Youngjae’s legs over Jaebum’s just like they did on Christmas Eve, it’s totally different this time though, they aren’t smocking, there is no sensuality to it, all they do is talk quietly so no one will be able to hear them but themselves. Youngjae shakes his head, he has no idea what Jaebum is talking about. “It’s something I saw my mom reading about, she said it was bullshit but what matters is that you should be able to get to know someone better if you do this, and since you know I don’t like talking much about me and I know you find it pretty hard yourself, maybe we could give it a chance? It’s like a game, we can skip some questions but only if it makes us uncomfortable, not just because you’re shy or some bullshit like that.”

Huh, he guesses he has nothing to lose here, he does want to get to know Jaebum better, answering question doesn’t seem the worst way to do it, also even if Jaebum says Youngjae doesn’t like talking about his life it’s not half as bad as the other boy and if he is willing to do it so is Youngjae. So Jaebum gets his phone to get the questions for them to start with it already, he says they have to look into each other eyes which are ridiculous but Youngjae agrees, it’s not a hard task. “Ok, here we go, first question: given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?”

Youngjae doesn’t even have to think about it, “Jesus,”

“No! You gotta be kidding me, I said anyone in the world why the hell do you want to have dinner with Jesus? Come on, Choi, you’re liking turning me off and I’m not even turned on right now, you’re turning me even more off if that’s possible.”

“I have some serious stuff to ask him about, also I’ve been talking to him for years and he never replied gotta get into it,” Youngjae says rolling his eyes, he is playing but really he would like to see Jesus and finally having someone to ask if it’s wrong to like another man, not that he will let Jaebum know about it. “What about you?”

Jaebum says he would like to meet with Karl Marx, he doesn’t even have a reason for it, it’s just so they could talk or something, it’s obviously a lie, Youngjae tells him not to lie and then Jaebum switches to Marilyn Monroe receiving a slap for that. They keep on asking questions and Jaebum keeps on being ridiculous.

“What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?” They are taking turns on asking the questions so this time Jaebum is the one who has to answer first.

“Huh… I don’t know, you and me having a picnic somewhere warm with a lake and like lots of weed, you kissing me and then you will take off your shirt--”

“Alright, I get it, no need to explain it any further, good luck with your perfect day.” Youngjae stops him from saying something that would make them stop with this little game altogether and maybe engage on something else. “As for me, a perfect day would be… I don’t know, just me being in peace with nobody to bother me or to order me around, that would be like the best day, just gimme freedom I’ll do the rest,”

Jaebum nods his head thoughtfully, maybe he is starting to get serious about this now. Youngjae passes the phone back to him, “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?” He says that he sang at church but Jaebum protests that it doesn’t count so the correct answer is that he last sang to Jaebum at his house and since Jaebum doesn’t remember the last time he sang to someone else Youngjae makes him sing to him. Turns out Jaebum has the most beautiful voice the younger boy has ever heard even if he won’t accept the compliments, Youngjae is in awe he would never imagine that Jaebum could sing like that. He is starting to like this game.

“Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.” It’s Youngjae turn again, “hum, I think we are both very bad at communicating but you’re worse than me, we are both korean,”

“Choi, it doesn’t count, do better than that,” Jaebum protests, he has gotten so serious now, Youngjae can’t even play around with the answers anymore.

“Alright, so yeah bad at talking about stuff… we both can sing and… I guess, like you said that day we kind of want the same thing,”

“Which is?” Jaebum presses even though he was the one who said it first so he must know.

“Freedom… come on, your turn,” Youngjae rushes him so he doesn’t have to talk about it.

“We are both Korean,” Jaebum says with a serious face and earns his fourth slap that night, he is so stupid, they laugh and Youngjae has to shush both of them. “I think we are very lonely and that we can’t express it well, we deal with things in different ways but we both want the same thing yeah but it’s not just freedom, I think we both want to have something, to have someone of our own, I guess we are working towards it, aren’t we?” Jaebum winks at him, Youngjae isn’t sure if he listed three things but all he can hear in his head is Jaebum saying that they want more than freedom, that they want someone of their own, he is not wrong, he is right about everything they are both just so lonely, but he wasn’t expecting for things to get deep like that, Jaebum is surprising him a lot tonight.

After it they skip some questions, Youngjae didn’t want to skip anything because he’s liking it, liking seeing other sides of Jaebum, it’s like he’s been waiting for this moment for the longest time, even before they started talking, he always wanted to see what Jaebum was hiding. But the questions are about their life story, about the way they were raised and none of them feel good talking about it, no reason to turn this into a sad thing.

“What is your most treasured memory?” Jaebum asks him.

“I guess when I was twelve and we went to an amusement park, me and Yugyeom could go in every attraction but Babam and Jihyo were too short to some of them, Jihyo was just so mad because she was the oldest but also the shortest one. It was not good for her of course, but I remember laughing so much that day, we ate a lot as well, we had so much fun, Bambam’s mom took us and we didn’t have to think about anything else, I remember thinking that that was probably how being happy felt like,”

It takes Jaebum sometime to reply when he does his voice is raspy, “I think my most treasured memory was when my grandparents took me to Disneyland, it’s almost like yours isn’t it? I was twelve as well, it was the last trip we did together, I wasn’t overly happy as you were though, I’ve always been hard to please person… but now looking back at it, I had two people who really loved me and I was healthy with them, I didn’t know it back then but I was happy, it was a good week.”

He likes hearing about it, Youngjae had no idea Jaebum was close to his grandparents, he seems to miss them a lot, it makes Youngjae’s heart hurt, he never missed anyone like this so he can’t relate but he squeezes one of Jaebum’s hand to show some kind of support. “What is your most terrible memory?”

“Yikes,” Jaebum says smiling bitterly, “probably when they passed away, it was an accident so it was like at the same time like they went away together, I felt left out, can you believe it? I was supposed to go with them to a reception but I was too busy with my fucked up friends to show up on time, maybe if I had-”

“No, oh god, Jaebum, I hope you don’t think you could have changed something, because you couldn’t, you being there wouldn’t stop the accident from happening,”

Jaebum sighs, “no, yeah, I know that… I just mean, maybe I would have died with them and you know not being left here all by myself,” it makes Youngjae gasp, that was not what he was expecting, he could never imagine Jaebum felt something like that, he gets their bodies a little closer together so he can runs his hands over Jaebum’s arms till he gets to his neck, holding him there.

“I’m glad you didn’t, maybe it’s selfish but I would be the one left here by myself if you weren’t here, y’know? So, I’m being insensitive but thanks for staying alive, really appreciate it,” Jaebum kisses him softly smiling into it. They don’t do a lot of kissing mostly because they can’t, this past week they saw each other at school a lot but they can’t really kiss there in front of everyone, being here alone nothing is stopping them, so Jaebum kisses him trying to say something Youngjae can’t really figure out what it is.

Youngjae surprises himself when he shares his worse memory and it’s not a lie, he tries not to get in details but it’s about the first time he was locked up in the closet, then Jaebum understands why Youngjae didn’t want him to hide there, he is horrified that someone would do that to their kid, but the boy tries to calm him down telling him that it’s okay now, even if it’s not. He can see the horror on Jaebum’s eyes for some time still.

They keep going, there are questions about the dynamics between them and their mother, about their childhood again, this time they don’t skip any of them they give short answers rolling their eyes when they have to say if their relationship with their mother is good and if they were happier than other kids. “Tell your partner what you like about them, be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.”

“I like your thighs,” Jaebum says stroking them, he lets his hands under Youngjae’s shorts caressing the boy’s thighs, Youngjae thinks he should tell him to stop that but he doesn’t.

“I don’t think that’s what you’re supposed to say, I thought it was supposed to be… I don’t know, something deeper?” Youngjae whispers, he is trying to distract Jaebum but it doesn’t seem to work his warm hands keep going up and up while he stares into Youngjae’s eyes.

“I’m supposed to list things I like about you with honesty, things I wouldn’t say to a stranger, I wouldn’t tell a stranger I like their thighs, Choi. I wouldn’t tell a stranger I like their concentrated face like how they pout when they have to pay attention to something,” Youngjae smiles timidly, he remembers Yugyeom mocking him because of his pouts when they were kids, he thought he had stopped doing it, apparently not. “I like how your hair fall over your eyes now that they are longer. I like the sound of your voice even when you’re just speaking, it’s soothing… I like a lot of things about you like how your lips feel against mine. Don’t, don’t hide your face,” Jaebum protests when Youngjae’s hands touch his burning face. “See there’s a lot of things that I like about you, but what I like the most is the way you smell, even when you’re not wearing cologne, maybe specially so because I love the way you naturally smell like.”

Then Jaebum is burying his face on Youngjae’s neck, breathing him in as if his life depends on it. Youngjae feels himself blushing even harder, one of Jaebum’s hand leaves his thigh so it can go to his back to pull the boy even closer to him, “Jaebum…” he has nothing to say, he doesn’t want to protest either, Youngjae just lets Jaebum kiss at his neck all he wants, it’s good, it feels like nothing has ever felt before.

“You smell so good, baby, like home to me,” then they are kissing, Youngjae is almost on Jaebum’s lap again, the kiss is demanding and he knows they already did something like that, this time is so promising though, he knows he won’t run away and that he won’t regret it, so he kisses Jaebum back, he is not very skilled just yet but he knows exactly what will make Jaebum tighten his hold on him.

“We should-- we should continue with the questions, we are almost done,” he says after a while, he can feel his body reacting and being honest Youngjae doesn’t know how he should feel about it. Jaebum protests just for a bit but then agrees to it since he wants to hear what the other boy likes about him as well.

“I like a lot of things about you too, or else we wouldn’t be here… the things I like about you though… I like how dark your eyes are but how they go bright when you’re happy about something. I like your broad shoulders and it’s not because they are… y’know,” Youngjae blushes, he doesn’t know how to say things like that but it’s fair that he tries, they are both trying tonight, “I mean it’s not just because it’s hot, because well it is, but it’s because I feel safe? I don’t know but I’m used to feeling small but when I’m with you, you look like you can protect me so I don’t bother feeling like this…”

“This is nice, Youngjae.” Jaebum does seem to like what he hears, Youngjae is not done yet though.

“I like how you talk to me as well, I know you were angry last time I talked about it and maybe I shouldn’t bring it up again but when you talk to me you do it in such a soft way, it makes me feel better about myself, maybe you don’t like it but I do. I like it a lot, the way you act around me, well at least when you’re not angry at me, I like how it makes me feel,”

Right now Jaebum could react just like he reacted at the arcade, he could tell Youngjae to not analyze things like that but he doesn’t, all he does is kiss the other boy again, back at being softly kissing him just to show his affection, “I… I like it too. I’m scared of what it might mean, I won’t lie but I like it too, it makes me feel something too… something that I quite like feeling.” He hums, “can we make out now? I don’t care about these questions anymore.”

“No, Jaebum,” he smiles brightly, it’s dark in his room, the lights are off but he can make out ever line of Jaebum’s face and it’s beautiful, everything about him so beautiful. “Let’s finish it all,”

When they talk about regretting something they might never have the chance to say to someone Jaebum says he would regret dying without letting his father know how much he hates him, he doesn’t say it in a sad depressing way, he just thinks it’s unfair that his father lives his life without guilt after everything he did to their family.

“Ok, last one: share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen….” Youngjae takes a deep breath, this is such a last question type of question indeed, one too personal, one he would like to skip but there’s no reason to it, not really.

“A personal problem… huh, let me see. At the moment, obviously, my problem is not knowing how to connect with people, how to deal with my emotions towards people. So how should I handle it, Choi? Give me your best advice,” Jaebum is being so honest tonight, it’s like he is trying really hard and there’s nothing else Youngjae could ever want, he thinks he has to give back. So he thinks seriously about the matter for some time.

“Well, I think you do know how to connect to people, hell I think you’re damn good at it, the problem might really be how to deal with your emotions towards someone else… I know you’re scared everyone’s out to screw you over, but that’s not the case, y’know? Indeed there are a lot of bad people out there who could hurt you but it’s not what _every_ person wants to do. People genuinely like and care about you, Jaebum, you just need to give them a chance to show it. It’s scary I know it is, but being all alone seems even scarier, doesn’t it? What I think you should do is give people a chance to be in your life, to be with you...”

Jaebum hums assimilating what he just heard but he doesn’t say anything back, none of them say anything for a few minutes actually. “All right, now you shoot me with your personal problem,”

“My personal problem…” and that’s it, Youngjae will be completely honest with him, after tonight he trusts Jaebum even better, also maybe he is the person he was waiting for to talk about this. “My problem right now is that I don’t know how to feel about myself, I don’t know if I’m a bad person for being the way I am…”

“Baby, you’re everything but a bad person, where is this even coming from?” Jaebum asks with worried eyes.

“It’s… me liking you. Liking men… you know I’m not supposed to do it, to be like that, don’t you? I feel like I’m evil as if everyone would be disappointed on me, as if I’ll end up alone, lonelier than I am right now.” Youngjae is a little scared that Jaebum will be offended by it, that he will want to leave him here but that’s the opposite of what he does. He looks at Youngjae softly placing a few hair strands behind his ears slowly.

“Baby… you’re not evil, and there’s no such thing as ‘I’m not supposed to do something’, you’re your own person, you have the right to be yourself without feeling guilty about it. The things people say about men liking men it’s wrong, they are wrong, they are the evils one here because they are the ones destroying people’s lives based on their own bigotry. There’s nothing wrong with you or with anyone who is not the way they want us to be,” he lifts Youngjae’s face giving him a small kiss on his forehead. “I understand that it might be hard for you to see it right now, but let me help you, yeah? I’ll show you there’s nothing wrong with being gay, there’s nothing wrong with you. Also you’re dealing with it like a pro, don’t beat yourself up, baby. I will take care of these bad feeling, alright?”

Youngjae won’t cry again, he thinks he had cried enough for a day or maybe for the entire month but this time it’s like not just one but hundreds and hundreds of flowers are blooming in his stomach. He hugs Jaebum as tight as he can, circling his body not only with his arms but with his legs as well, they are incredibly close, Youngjae can’t tell where his body ends and where Jaebum’s starts. They don’t have any more questions to ask, it’s just the two of them, “thank you,” he says before he is kissing Jaebum again.

The kisses are soft and innocent just at the beginning, it doesn’t take Jaebum too long to lie Youngjae on his back lying over him as well. He starts kissing Youngjae’s neck slowly till he is giving the boy wet kisses whispering in his ear just how good he smells and how much Jaebum’s wants to make the other boy his. Youngjae is about to lose his mind, he can feel the blood in his body not knowing in which direction it should run, to his lower parts or to his face, he is burning all over. They go back to kiss passionately, Jaebum is sucking on his tongue obscenely, Youngjae thinks that maybe they aren’t being as silent as he wished they would be but he can’t even bring himself to stop because when he pulls Jaebum’s hair he is rewarded with the best noise he has ever heard. Jaebum fucking whimpers in his mouth and the boy attacks it with his own mouth, demanding attention and eating up every noise their bodies are making.

It all goes well, Youngjae can’t think about anything he wants more than this right now till Jaebum starts to circle his hips, when their dicks make contact even through all the layers of clothes the boy chokes on nothing. He felt it before, at Jaebum’s house it was just like that but he was daring that day, he wasn’t thinking about the consequences, they were smoking and fooling around, this is not what they’re doing right not. Now they are together, they have time, they know what they are doing, so Youngjae doesn’t stop Jaebum he lets him continue his moviments. It’s not the most pleasant sensation in the world because he is pretty hard by now but he is only on his shorts while Jaebum is on his jeans, it’s not exactly comfortable, he does circle his hips back though, thrusting up a little bit, making Jaebum moan louder than he was supposed to.

“Shhhhhhh! Be quiet, Jaebum!” He whispers in his mouth, they go silent waiting for something to happen, maybe to his father break into the room but nothing happens. “We should stop it, babe.”

“Fuck,” he groans, “I can feel your hard-on brushing against mine and you fucking called me ‘babe’, you want me to stop now? Really, come on, Choi, I will be quiet. Can’t we just keep doing it like that? We don’t have to do anything else--” their hot breath is mixing, their smell is mixing as well making Youngjae very confused but he knows what is at risk here. It’s not only his parents hearing them, it’s the fact that they have never done anything like this and it’s still early in their relationship, he doesn’t want to regret it the next day and then shut Jaebum off just like he did last time, no that wouldn’t be good and he needs to be smart. But of course, getting caught beats it all.

“Let’s stop it here… today, just for today, we can do more next time, alright? Don’t look at me like that, Jaebum,” Youngjae says regretfully, he wants it but he is not ready to go further. Jaebum lies by his side so he can calm down his own breathing, so both of them can.

“I really need to get off though,” he whispers.

“You can use my bathroom,” it came in handy that now Youngjae has his own bathroom, it wasn’t like that when he was a kid but after things got way better at the shop they got a housing reform and Youngjae’s room got way bigger plus the addition of the bathroom. It might help them in situations like that. Jaebum shakes his head hugging Youngjae’s side getting them close again. He can still feel Jaebum’s boner and it’s killing him.

“It wouldn’t be nice of me now, would it? I can… I can wait, I did tell you that I could wait, so I’ll wait at least until I get home,” he laughs.

But Youngjae doesn’t want him to leave, he has never felt so warm on his bed, being realistic this is the only place in this house where he feels remotely safe, right now though he feels even safer, safer and warmer because Jaebum is here with him, even if they won’t do anything else he doesn’t want the other boy to leave. “Can’t you stay? It’s late and it’s cold outside, it can’t be a good walk all the way home at this time,”

“I thought you would never ask, really I was starting to worry here,” they laugh together while Youngae watches Jaebum strips down to his underwear, his body looks even better than the boy could ever have imagined, he kinda regrets stopping things now but this is only the still horny part of his body talking. God, Youngjae’s dick hurts in his shorts.

Youngjae is almost asleep, the warm firm chest on his back making him wondrously calm and at peace when Jaebum whispers on his ear, “so, did it work?”

“Did what work?” Youngjae mumbles back, eyes closed.

“Did you fall for me?” He can’t see Jaebum’s face but he can already tell when he has that smug face on, it’s ridiculous and Youngjae knows this is exactly how he looks right now so he turns on his other side to see it.

“What are you talking about?” He is tired from crying all day, also from all the things they did but he can still keep his eyes open, at least for a few more minutes.

Jaebum doesn’t stop smiling looking happy the way Youngjae likes it the best, “the thirty-six questions, they are supposed to make people fall in love with each other,” then he earns his fifth slap.

“Jaebum! You said it was supposed to make us get to know each other better, you liar!” Youngjae is more alert now, not that Jaebum seems to care or to mind his reaction.

“Well and we did, didn’t we? So did it work, yes or no?”

Youngjae smiles to himself now Jaebum is such a soft idiot, even if he always wondered how the boy really was behind his masks that was not what he was expecting, “I don’t know, you tell me, did it work?”

“I didn’t need it in the first place,” Jaebum answers without a hint of hesitation or of fear of talking about how he feels, before Youngjae can reply he is being kissed again. His jaw is starting to hurt, to someone who kissed just one person before all of this he really did a lot of kissing today. “Do you think you can make time for me Sunday after your church thing? I want to take you out,”

Youngjae thinks about it, it’s Friday night, he doesn’t have a lot of time to make it  up to his parents, they did say he was grounded, maybe if he lies about doing a school project they will let him leave the house. “I will try, alright? Can’t make promises though,” it seems to be enough to Jaebum, he smiles into the next kiss he gives Youngjae, it’s like he can’t stop kissing him. So they kiss till they fall asleep on each other’s arms, this time Youngjae doesn’t pray not because he pretends he forgot about it like the last time but because this is really the last thing on his mind right now. All he can feel is Jaebum’s hand under his shirt, it’s warm, soft and right.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- oh boy now that was cheesy i know :))) anyways i hope it didn't feel rushed almost 50k,,, im worried it's rushed but things need to start happening lol,,, so a lot of 2jae this chapter  
> \- so anyways id like to say that i will /probably/ update twice every week so hopefully i'll get done with this before my break is over :) no promises but lets see  
> \- aaaaa to everyone who reads it/likes it/comments etc thankssssssssssss i really appreciate it <33 hope u liked this chap as well  
> \- btw if anyone whants so see the 36 questions here it is https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html


	12. Secret Love Song: Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- title from little mix's song secret love song pt II lol!!  
> \- pls enjoy this chapter <3

Going to church should be peaceful, at least that’s what everyone says, that being in contact with your religion and with what you believe in should be a moment when you feel at peace, comfortable with yourself. Youngjae feels everything but at peace right now, it’s like everyone is looking his way, they aren’t, he knows they aren’t, but he still feels judging eyes on his back. Singing wasn’t so bad because he could close his eyes and pretend he was singing at home by himself, but something was off, he didn’t feel like doing at it all, so when he could go back to sit with his parents he felt more relieved than he felt in a long time.

Youngjae is back at praying, two days not praying might not seem like much but it was, it was a lot for him, so he prays ignoring everything the pastor says. He only talks to god and to god only. _I know maybe I’m not your favorite person right now, I’m sorry for going two days without praying please god… I didn’t mean to. But I wish you would know, right now I’m… I’m very happy, I didn’t even know someone could be happy like that just because of another person… but I am. I’m sure this is a good thing, right? Something that makes me feel like that can’t be all that bad… I guess. I still hope you aren’t that mad or disappointed at me, I honestly hope you’re happy for me…_

All he does is talk to god really, like a therapists on his head, a judgmental one though. Then Youngjae thinks he is crazy, there’s no one judging him on his own head but himself, it kinda makes him anxious, knowing what he hears back is his mind isn’t really god repressing him for anything. Before he can think further about this the worship service is over, his parents are off to talk to some of their friends before they can leave.

“Youngjae, sweetheart, can I talk to you for a second?” Anna smiles friendly at him but she looks worried which makes Youngjae worried as well, he agrees and she guides him to the tiny music room where they practice twice a week. “I was going to talk directly with your parents, but I thought that maybe it was better talking to your first. Honey, I’ve been so worried about you, you aren’t the same anymore, don’t act like your happy self...”

Suddenly the room gets colder, she can’t know, she can’t be able to notice anything like that, would she? “I’m-- what? I’m the same. Yeah, same ol' Choi Youngjae,” he says faking a smile pointing at himself.

She points a his smile as well, sighing, “see this is what I’m talking about, you pretend you’re alright and you’re not. I know Jihyo leaving might not be the easiest thing to hold at your age, you two were always so close but you can talk to me, we can talk to us, me and the pastor… or your friends. You don’t even hang out with them at church anymore, I’m really worried about you. You know how I can’t have kids, right?” He nods, yes he knows but he doesn’t know why she is bringing it up. “I saw you growing up, since you were a little kid you have always been my favorite, you know how the other choir kids always complain that I give you privileges… they are not lying, you know? You’re like a kid to me, a kid of my own... I don’t want you to feel lonely now that your sister isn’t around anymore, but I need to know what is going on.”

For some reason Youngjae feels like hugging her and he does, quickly but he does, he has his own mother but she never said such kind words to him, no older woman has ever treated him like a son not like that, knowing that Anna cares about him makes the boy a little happier about his life. He doesn’t know if he should trust her, it’s risky but maybe trying won’t kill him. “I-- it’s not about Jihyo, it’s about something else…” she doesn’t look judgmental at all, differently from the voice in his head. “I think I might… I might like someone?”

Relief takes over her, she is shining suddenly as if Youngjae just told her the best thing she has ever heard. “This is so good, Youngjae! You’re seventeen, it’s time and it’s just natural that you’d feel something like that. You know I met Adam when I was your age, right? Oh this is so, so good, it’s something to celebrate and not to get sad over. What’s the problem? Do your parents disapprove? I can talk to them if so--”

“No! No, please, Anna, please don’t talk to them about it, it’s still early I’m not even sure how I want to do things, everything is so complicated and I don’t know…”

“Oh my dear, are you worried she doesn’t like you back? It can’t be, what girl wouldn’t like someone as handsome as you? You’re not just handsome, you have the prettiest voice on the entire world and you’re a religious young man, any girl would be just so lucky to have you in her life, you shouldn’t be so troubled by it.” They talk for a little longer Youngjae reassures her that everything is okay and he will probably talk to the girl he likes soon. Anna wants him to talk about the girl but he has to play if off as shyness instead of sadness and frustration.

He feels like dying the entire time they talk, did he really think about telling her about Jaebum? Is Youngjae out of his mind now? Is everything he is doing with the other boy messing with his head like that? People don’t think a boy liking another boy is normal, Anna definitely doesn’t, she keeps repeating _her, her, her_ and it makes Youngjae feel like he is about to throw up because there’s not a her, it will never be a her. It’s a _him,_ and it’s not any him, it’s _him._ And it will always be _him._

Youngjae feels a little weird after their talk but his mood gets a little better when his parents tell him that they will have lunch with some of their church friends, really it couldn’t make the boy happier cos he doesn’t have to go with them it’s like God is helping him to see Jaebum, no that it makes sense but he wants to believe it. The best part is that he doesn’t have to lie to them about no project, he asks if he can hang out with Bambam and they don’t mind, they don’t mind at all, his mother even seems relieved that he has a somewhere to have lunch.

His parents drop him off at Bambam’s so he can have lunch there, which he won’t be doing, and now he has a problem, he will have to explain to Bambam why he is there and why he needs his friend to lie, also Jaebum’s house is far from and here he will have to walk. “Jae! Hey, dude wasn’t expecting to see you today, come in,” Bambam says animatedly when he answers the door, Youngjae wishes he was half as excited, he is getting incredibly nervous. His parents are in the car waiting for him to get in and Bambam’s waves at them.

When they are finally inside Youngjae feels a little less vulnerable, they go to Bambam’s room so they can be by themselves even though Bambam’s sister is the only one around. “Where’s your mom?”

“Huh--” he is distracted setting up his video game console, “oh, she went to the market to get some vegetables, oh boy today we will eat like kings! You’re having lunch with us, right?”

It’s nice how he feels at home here, Youngae doesn’t feel like someone might get in the room any second and hurt him, it’s crazy he feels safer at someone else’s place. “Not really, well my parents think so but…” and now he isn’t sure about what he should do here, he was about to say something about Jaebum to Anna, to Anna a Christian woman who already told him her thoughts on gay people, why does it seem harder to say something to Bambam? He just doesn’t want to mess up things, it’s scary. “Hum… I have a thing, so can you please cover for me if something happens? Like if my parents call or something…”

Youngjae knows what is coming before it even does, Bambam’s face says everything. “Are you asking me to _lie?_ Oh my god, you know I have no problems lying to parents, really I don’t, but why you Jesus 2.0 would ask me to lie to your parents? You have a thing? What thing? God, tell me everything!” Of course Bambam would be more excited than judgmental.

“Look, I don’t have time for this, I have to be somewhere else, I will explain later, alright? Just please help me with this, they would kill me if they knew.”

“Explain later just how you didn’t explain about that they you ditched school? Or how you’ve been acting weird but think we don’t notice it? I will give you a ride so you can explain to me what’s the thing in our way,” Youngjae should say no but he doesn’t even try to, it’s very cold and he would have to walk a lot, or call Jaebum but he shouldn’t risk it. Also, Bambam is his best friend for a reason, they’ve known each other for ten or eleven years, he deserves to be trusted, he guesses.

When they are inside de car Bambam looks at him as if he expecting something, oh right directions, “Hum…”

“Come on, dude, I need to know where we are going to so I can you know drive us there.”

“Bammie, do you know where Jaebum lives?” Not as smooth as he would like but at least he said it.

“I- yeah? We went to his party, remember? Why?” Why? Does he need Youngjae to say everything? He thought that would be enough but if anything his friend looks even more confused.

“We have a thing-- I mean no, not like that!” Or maybe exactly like that but this is not what he was going for, “I mean that we are hanging out? Kinda? So we will hang out today…”

Bambam laughs loudly thinking it’s a joke but Youngjae doesn’t join him so he stops, looking at Youngjae with eyes bulging so hard, “What? You are hanging out with Im Jaebum? You? You and Im Jaebum? Why, Jae? It makes no sense, I mean-- Oh,” silence while he figure things out on his head and Youngjae shakes in his seat, Bambam won’t hate him because of something like that, he can’t, he won’t. “When Jackson said he had to invite you to the party and then when you heard about what happened to Jaebum you-- what kind of friendship is that, Jae?”

Youngjae’s so embarrassed, his best friend is clever of course he would put two and two together, of course he would but it doesn’t change how dumb Youngjae feels right now. “Good friends? Very good friends? I don’t know…”

So Bambam starts driving, he doesn’t press the subject anymore just drives to Jaebum’s place in silence, they are both quiet, no music playing, no nothing. So that’s it? Does he hate Youngjae now? Will he tell Yugyeom and will he hate him as well? “I-- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disappoint anyone, but you did say you were okay with you know… I thought it would be okay with me as well,”

“What? Oh no, Jae, no. Man, I’m fine with it, oh god, I’m sorry that I went quiet on you I was just thinking about… Jae, you know he isn’t a good person, right? I don’t know just how _friendly_ you are with him but you should be careful, I like to think that I’d protect you from anything but he is so much bigger than me, you see? I’d punch him once and then bye bye Bammie.”

Youngjae smiles, his friends is worried about him, yeah it makes more sense, “he is not like that, I mean he is a good person, you just can’t see if from far away, you gotta come closer, he is pretty nice up close,” his face is pretty nice as well he thinks to himself.

“Oh god, you look like a girl in love. For real, are you in love, Jae? Is that what is it all about? That talk about being ok with gay people was about this?” Youngjae stops smiling instantly, he doesn’t look like a girl in love, or a boy in love for the matter because he is not.

“I’m not- what? In love? Me? Really no, not in love, I just like him a bit… a tiny bit, it’s not even that much…”

The car stops at Jaebum’s house, it was quicker than Youngjae thought it would be, he is nervous, scared that when he leaves this car things will change between him and Bambam. “Alright, not in love, right. Just make sure he doesn’t get to fuck you and then dumps you. You know there’s a lot of people who does that, right? And you being all innocent and pure I don’t want stupid Im Jaebum to take advantage of you.”

“He would never do that, Bammie!” He wouldn’t, right? It doesn’t make sense, maybe it does a little but everything they’ve been doing together, the way Jaebum is opening up to him, it can’t be all fake, he is being honest with Youngjae, he’s sure of that.

“I’m just saying you shouldn’t trust so blindly, yeah?” Youngjae nods back at him, he doesn’t, he trusts Jaebum because he gives him reasons to, he doesn’t do it blindly. “I can pick you up if you need me to, just call me.”

“Are we alright then? You’re not like disgusted by it?”

“I only get disgusted by you when you get a cold and can’t sneeze like a normal person, wouldn’t be disgusted because you’re out there having fun, actually I’m happy you’re having fun for once… I don’t know if I like the person with whom you’re having all this fun with but at least you’re happy, right?”

Youngjae is, he is very happy, he lets his friend know so getting out of the car feeling lighter than he has felt in a long time. It’s like things are working for him, finally, god might really be helping him with things, maybe he isn’t so upset with Youngjae, what if he is proud of him instead? Ok, this is too much already. Margareth is the one to answer the door, as usual, she guides the boy to the garage where Jaebum is packing the car with some stuff he will need, at least that’s what she tells him.

“Hey, pretty boy,” Youngjae whispers on Jaebum’s ear hugging him from behind, Margareth haven’t even left the room yet but he is happy so he doesn’t care. Jaebum turns around and it’s like things keep repeating themselves, they change a little but it’s like he’s been living them over and over again. “What happened? Everything alright?”

Jaebum tries to kiss him instead of replying but Youngjae won’t give in, “nothing happened, now you’re the one being rude? I was here packing things for our day out, everything is perfect because you’re here.” Then Youngjae does let himself be kissed, he is only human, a human who is a hormonal teenager and who likes kisses.

“For real, you’re hands are so cold,”

“It’s cold,” he retorts quickly.

“Jaebum, I’m serious, you look weird I don’t know what it is but your eyes are glazed, you look tired, how can you look thinner than you were two days ago? We can stay in if you want,” he kisses Jaebum’s cheek to show he isn’t angry just worried.

“I’m alright, it’s rude to comment on one’s weight,” smile too big to be real, Youngjae thinks, but he can’t keep pressing, Jaebum respects him when he is not ready to talk about something so he should do the same. “Shall we go? It’s not like we have all the time of the world, and I missed you just… so.. fucking… much…”

He says between kisses, despite his words he doesn’t try to get into the car, not at all. Jaebum starts kissing him more passionately his lips warmer than his hands, tongue demanding attention, his hands hovering over Youngjae’s body trying to push him so he can sit the boy on the hood of one of the cars there. “You said we should go,” but he doesn’t push the other boy away either, just pulls him in so he can feel a little more of Jaebum’s body against his own. Jaebum’s hand is just under his ass ready to lift Youngjae up to place him over the hood, it takes everything on the younger boy to stop him. “Jaebum… we can do this later, right? Let’s…”

“Yeah, come on,” usually Jaebum would protest, he would propose not go out at all but not today. “This baby will take us today,” he points at a huge shiny silver pickup, it’s really enormous, Jaebum laughs where he still so close to Youngjae the boy can feel it on his own chest, it’s the first time today Jaebum even sounds like himself. “This is better because it’s spacious also it’s safer, y’know? I… you were very scared at the race and I was a dick that night, the pickup is safer so you won’t have reasons to be so frightened like that… I’m very sorry about that night, by the way, I really am.” And then he is placing a way softer kiss on Youngjae’s lips, for once Youngjae is the one trying to deepen it without success, Jaebum takes him by the hand so they can get inside the car.

Youngjae tries to get Jaebum to tell him where they are going to for the first ten minutes till he gives up, Jaebum won’t tell him anything he just keeps saying is a surprise. Also, he doesn’t want to distract the other one, they drive in silence and it’s not an awkward silence but there’s something off. Youngjae thinks it’s nice that they don’t have to fill in with stupid conversation just to not be in silence with each other, but at the same time, he can sense that Jaebum isn’t completely here, maybe he didn’t have a good night of sleep? He wants to ask again but he won’t, he just watches the trees soon becoming countryside it’s all so green and beautiful, even though the day is gray and the sun doesn’t shiny Youngjae thinks it’s perfect, they are here together so it’s perfect.

They drive for more than one hour, Jaebum is more talkative now, his eyes more focused and his voice sweeter than ever, the way he talks to Youngjae will make the boy blush from time to time, it’s just so sweet, he isn’t used to it. The car stops by a beach, he can see some huts but they are all closed, it’s too cold for a beach day and there’s no one around. “Are we having a beach day? Isn’t it too cold for that?” He doesn’t want to complain but really is cold in the car he can’t imagine just how cold it is outside.

Jaebum smiles at him, “yes it’s cold but you’ll be warm enough, I got you this,” he gets a yellow coat from the back seat, the thing is horrendous is a bright shade of yellow and it has fur all over it on the inside and the outside.

He can’t help the loud laugh that scapes him, “I’m not wearing this, oh my god, no way,”

“Why not? What’s wrong with it? You will be so warm with this it’ll feel like summer, also is yellow, see? You’ll be just like my private sun,”

Youngjae rolls his eyes slapping Jaebum’s hand that places the coat over him, “yeah people might think I’m the sun huge and yellow but furry up close, come on, Jaebum, I left my own coat at your place, why didn’t you give me it back yet?”

“Because it’s mine now, this yellow thing is yours, come on stop complaining and put that on, you are behaving like a petulant child, do I have to punish you for that?” He’s being playful but Youngjae winces at it.

“Don’t joke about things like that, I don’t like it.” Jaebum even tries to joke again after it but seeing that Youngjae won’t engage on it he drops it. When they get out of the car and the boy sees the other one taking a picnic basket from the back he almost jumps excitedly.

“No way! Really? Jaebum!” He is so excited that his eyes are shining, Jaebum smiles at him but then he takes Youngjae’s hand on his so they can walk hand on hand and the boy freezes. “What are you doing?”

“Holding my boyfriend’s hand?” He squeezes Youngjae’s hand turning it impossible for the boy to take it away from his hold no matter how much he tries. “Really, Choi? There’s literally no one here, this is exactly why I chose this place because it’s a desert place and even if someone was around no one even knows you here, why can’t you hold my hand? This is pathetic, I shouldn’t have to force or to beg you to hold my hand,”

Jaebum lets go of Youngjae’s hand and walks off in the direction of the beach, it takes two seconds too long to the younger boy to realize what is going on, he runs after Jaebum turning him around so he can look back at him. Of course Jaebum lets him or he wouldn’t be able to manhandle him like this, “no, hey Jaebum, it’s not like that, alright? It’s just weird to me that we get to do stuff like that. I’m sorry, you’re not forcing me to do anything, I want to be here and I want to hold your hand, see?”

Taking Jaebum’s hand on his feels like a way more intimate thing to do than anything they’ve done together, they are in public and maybe it’s just two hands touching but it’s still more than Youngae ever imagined himself doing with another man in a public place. Jaebum looks a bit hurt but he accepts it, it’s a little awkward at first because Youngjae has to force himself to not look around them every once in a while to check if they are still alone but soon it feels a little more natural, their hands are cold but still Youngjae feels like they are sweating, it’s not the most comfortable thing in the world but it’s a nice kind of uncomfortable.

The beach is beautiful, maybe one of the prettiest things Youngjae has ever seen, it’s not like he has seen a lot of things in his life but this feel like one of the best of them. The are a lot of big rocks on the ocean and where they are standing little rocks instead of sand. Jaebum starts setting the things for the picnic but he won’t say anything, his jaw clenched.

“Don’t be mad at me, Jaebum… please, I want to be here I was just scared… I don’t know, but really I don’t want live things like that, yeah? I want to not be scared all the time, to not feel the need to hide all the time and I want to live things with you as they should, you just have to help me out with it. Maybe it’s too much to ask, but be patient with me, please?” He hugs Jaebum’s side and _that_ seems to do the trick, being hugged in public seems to be all Jaebum needed because he soon leans in and kisses Youngjae. It startles him but soon he reacts kissing back, his cold hands holding Jaebum’s face so he can show on the kiss just how much he wants to be with him as well, how much he treasures him too.

Youngjae helps Jaebum set everything up and it’s so cute, the plaid blanket just like in the movies and even more, blankets so they can wrap themselves on them, there’s also a lot of food, beautiful food that Youngjae doubts were homemade. “Did you buy these? Aren’t you supposed to cook for me?”

“Who said that? I’m not supposed to do anything, and I didn’t buy it, smartass.” He sticks out his tongue like the kid he is, “Margareth cooked everything, I even helped by buying the ingredients,”

“Jaebum, buying the ingredients is not helping not really,” they are sitting side by side when Youngjae realizes something, “oh, this is like your perfect day? But we are not in a lake, neither it’s warm also no weed…”

“But will you take off your shirt?” Jaebum asks smirking.

“Har har, no, I won’t, so I guess not so perfect, huh?” Youngjae says eyeing way too beautiful strawberries.

Jaebum kisses his cheek sweetly making the boy blush, Jaebum is very touchy and he kisses a lot, he is always kissing any part of Youngjae he can reach it’s like he needs it and it’s not like Youngjae is complaining, this is the best part of them being together. It’s also good that he isn’t mad by the hand holding incident anymore. “It’s still perfect, you were the most important thing for my perfect day anyways, shirtless you but yellow coated you will have to do. Anyways, it’s just the two of us here, no one to order you around or to bother you, at least I hope I’m not bothering you, it’s peaceful and you’re free to do whatever you want so…”

“Is it my perfect day?” Jaebum nods embarrassingly and Youngjae can’t believe it, Jaebum goes out of his way to give Youngjae the most meaningful stuff while he whines about small things. He didn’t want to do anything in public just a few minutes ago and right now he wants to sit on Jaebum’s lap and make out till he can’t feel his lips anymore. “Can I say something cheesy?”

“Please do, I’m tired of being the only one being over the top in this relationship,” but the way he is looking at Youngjae is already over the top, his eyes are shining but Youngjae won’t say anything about it.

“Alright… you’re-- you’re the best thing to ever happen to me. You know that, right? Nothing good ever happens to me like that, but then you happened it doesn’t even feel real, it feels like a dream, like… you’re like a dream to me.”

“Not so cheesy, baby. You’re like a dream to me too.” And Jaebum makes it, even more, cringe, it’s his talent to make things cheesy as that Youngjae thinks. After that they eat, Youngjae is hungry since he didn’t have breakfast at all today, everything is delicious, it’s better than being in a fancy restaurant, at least he thinks it is. Jaebum brought wine too, he says he can drink a little because he won’t be driving anytime soon, they drink more than they should but it makes them all giggly and it’s good, everything is good, he can’t think about anything that would make this day better than this.

There isn’t weed but there are cigarettes, Jaebum offers him and he doesn’t bother refusing, it’s nice because it warms him up and makes him relax. Jaebum is in a good mood now, the best one today and he sings to Youngjae without having to be asked to, resting his head on his laps while they watch the ocean together. “We should go somewhere else,”

“Somewhere else? Where?” He is not opposed to it, it’s getting colder than he can endure no blankets or cigarettes can warm them enough at this point. Jaebum tells him it’s a surprise so he probably had this planned already, they walk for a short while till they can see a big white beach house. “Oh, people get to live in a place like this? How unfair!”

Jaebum laughs like this are the funniest thing he has ever heard, “no one lives here, baby. But I heard is very warm inside, wanna try it out?”

“You want to break in? Jaebum--”

“You are obsessed with breaking in, aren’t you? We will break in some place one day, but no, not today,” he shows Youngjae a set of keys with a smug grin on his face. Inside everything is warm and beautiful, Youngjae takes off the yellow coat and his own coat as soon as he can going to lay in the couch without questions.

“Ah, it’s so nice here, did you rent it too?” He should help Jaebum with the basket but he doesn’t, Jaebum must think as well because he makes a face at him from the kitchen walking to the living room too.

“Nah, it’s mine,”

“Yours? Did you buy it?” How rich is Jaebum that at eighteen he gets to buy a beach house like this?

“Didn’t buy anything, my grandparents left it for me… my mom wouldn’t let me use it until I was eighteen not that I wanted to, but now I can. It’s the first time I come here in awhile,”

“Should we be here?”

“Well, I wanted to come and I didn’t want to be by myself, it’s good being here with you, don’t worry. I’m not sad or anything… it’s just weird being here without them but it’s good making new memories and all the shit people say.” He smiles down at Youngjae sitting with him on the couch so they can cuddle together. “Do you like how warm it is or do you need me to heat things up?”

“Heat things up? Stop being ridiculous, Im Jaebum. It’s warm enough, just give me your hands so I can be the one warming them up,” and he does, he holds Jaebum’s hands on his and here is way better than outside, not awkward at all, he doesn’t mean to be so shy about it in public but it’s still hard for him, he is even scared someone will hit them yell at them, this would be the worst outcoming for their day.

They watch reruns of Cupcake Wars, it’s not the most exciting thing on TV but it’s interesting enough, they cringe at some cupcakes made with weird ingredients, even pickles, and shrimps, “so disgusting.” It’s very domestic and Jaebum seems to be at peace too, his body was a bit rigidity when they got inside the house but now he’s completely relaxed on the couch.

Jaebum starts pressing soft kisses to Youngjae’s neck, at first they are just almost there kisses, he doesn’t put much force on them but since he doesn’t get any bad reaction he starts opening his mouth a little, letting his tongue touch at the warm skin under it. He is losing control of himself when he gives a light bite, “Jaebum, no marks!” Youngjae pushes him away but soon he is back at it kissing at the bite and apologizing, his warm breath making the younger boy weak, too weak to do anything but accept the kisses.

“Baby, do you wanna…” Youngjae nods his head he doesn’t know what he is being offered but Jaebum’s lips are hot on his neck, they are driving Youngjae out of his mind he can’t pay attention to no damn cupcakes anymore. He goes to Jaebum mouth so he can kiss it properly, finally now that they are alone again he can kiss his boyfriend the way he wants to.

Jaebum has one of his hands on his throat and the other one tugging lightly as his hair, he isn’t squeezing the boy’s throat or anything but just the restriction of movements is messing with Youngjae, he didn’t know he liked it in the first place but now all he wants if for Jaebum to hold him everywhere. “Jaebum-- please--” he doesn’t know what he is asking for but it’s not like Jaebum seems to care about it.

He keeps kissing at Youngjae mouth, fucking his tongue inside his mouth as if he needs it, it’s so wet, maybe sloppier than any kiss they have ever exchanged but not in a bad way, it’s a mess but it’s so good, Youngjae doesn’t want to stop. “Will you take off your shirt now, baby?” Jaebum asks when he leaves his mouth to go back to his throat, the kisses are going down and down, the shirt getting in his way, but Youngjae shakes his head, he is not ready to take anything off yet.

“It’s alright,” Jaebum reassures him, “I have a plan B, yeah?” And then Jaebum is kissing him again, biting at his lips not too lightly but not too roughly to leave a huge mark either, he lets one of his thighs find its way in between Youngjae’s leg letting it rub against the boy’s erection and rubbing his own on his leg as well. They both moan together, loudly and dirty, Youngjae wants to look at Jaebum and tell him-- he wants to tell him something but he can’t think what it is, he can’t even open his eyes and think straight, they are shut tightly, all his senses focused on the way Jaebum’s thigh is rubbing his dick, is slow and it’s not enough.

“Should we do this here?” He doesn’t want to bring up the fact that they are at Jaebum’s grandparents living room but it’s kinda impossible to ignore it, he knows they are about to do something he wouldn’t like to do on his grandparents’ house.

“It’s alright don’t--” Jaebum is moaning on his ear, and suddenly Youngjae doesn’t care so much about being on this couch, “don’t think about it, yeah? Just let me give you-- let me--” his voice breathless, Youngjae gets it, he can’t talk normally either, they shouldn’t be talking anyways.

Youngjae places his hand on Jaebum’s ass, they never touch each other under the belt like this but it seems right, he tries to press Jaebum more down on him so he can feel everything, the boy is so hard it can’t be comfortable, it’s not comfortable for Youngjae either so he tries to adjust himself, when Jaebum notices it he whimpers. “I-- I want to try something, can I?”

Can he? Honestly, Youngjae doesn’t know, this is worse than the time at his house, it was just too nights ago but it seems like a lifetime ago, if feels like they haven’t done anything like that, haven’t touch each other in ages. He wants to keep going but he is scared, “I don’t-- Jaebum, I don’t know.”

“It’s okay, I promise… I’ll be right back,” and just like that Jaebum runs to the kitchen, Youngjae can only look down at his pants, he has a tent on them, it should be embarrassing but he can’t find it in himself to feel any shame, he just wants to touch it. Jaebum is back soon enough, sitting beside Youngjae instead of almost on his lap again, then the boy sees it and his eyes go huge. “It’s not--- I didn’t know if we would need it but, we don’t have to do anything, baby. It’s just… I was thinking, we can jerk off, yeah? I won’t look if you don’t want me to look, I’ll jerk myself and you can jerk yourself as well, nothing more. I just want to get off with you, I just want to hear you when you come,”

And god if this isn’t the hottest thing he has ever said to Youngjae, he wants it too, it shouldn’t be so bad, they will just get off together, and they won’t even touch each other he thinks it’s ok for something so new, it’s not like he can think of something else really and he needs it, it’s more than wanting, right now Youngjae _needs._ “Alright, but… you can’t look, yeah?”

“I won’t,” Jaebum kisses him with so much force as if he wants to devour Youngjae’s mouth as if he wants all of him, “it will be good, baby, it will be so good--” he sits close to Youngjae, their legs plastered together, it’s like his skin is burning. He doesn’t say anything before he undoes his pants and rolls it down to his knees, “I’m-- I can’t anymore--”

Youngjae looks at his own lap so he won’t look at Jaebum’s dick when he rolls down his underwear as well, he can hear the lube being opened and poured out on Jaebum’s hand, it’s not even about him but he moans anyways, “here, you can have it… let’s do it together, Choi.”

He does, his face is burning when he rolls his jeans and his underwear down to his knees as well, now he is a little ashamed of himself but not enough to stop, nothing would be enough to make Youngjae stop right now. He looks at Jaebum’s face to make sure he isn’t seeing anything but the other boy is looking just at his face as well. When they lock eyes Youngjae’s dick throbs in his hand and he almost cries out, now that would be embarrassing, coming just from a look.

Jaebum kisses him as soon as they start jerking off, Youngjae knows Jaebum started as well because he can hear it, every stroke is so wet he can hear the filthy noises they make, he wants to look down, god he wants to look down so bad, he bites at Jaebum’s bottom lip as hard as he can when he strokes himself in a specially good way making the boy moan on his mouth and his movements to speed up.

“Can I look, please? Just a quick look, I just want to--” he knows he was the one who said Jaebum shouldn’t look but he wants to look at it so bad, god why does he need to see someone jerking off so bad he doesn’t know but he does. Jaebum’s eyes pupils are blown wide, so dark just like the first dream Youngjae had about them.

“You want to see just how hard I am for you, baby? Want to see the effect you have over me?” Youngjae nods because yeah, this is exactly what he wants and there’s no reason to deny it right now. Jaebum smirks at him, “you can look all you want, baby.”

Even though he was given permission Youngjae still feels like he is cheating because Jaebum still can’t look at him and he doesn’t even try, his eyes fixed on Youngjae’s. When he looks down he almost comes at the sight, seeing another dick is weird but the way Jaebum is stroking it how his fingers curl around it, how the head is leaking makes Youngjae moan loud, louder than he ever moaned before. “Jaebum--”

The truth is that Youngjae wants to touch, he wants to touch it so bad, when he realizes just how much he wants it he licks his own lips imagining how Jaebum tastes down there, “fuck! Fuck! The way you--” Jaebum’s stroking himself with much more intent now, he doesn’t look at Youngjae anymore because he has to close his eyes resting his head on the couch almost choking on his own breath. It’s so hot seeing Jaebum all worked up like this because of him, so Youngjae focus back on his own dick, stroking it with more intent as well, he lets his precum mix with the lube nicely squeezing his dick tightly his other hand ready to touch his balls too, but he knows as soon as he does it that’s it, it’s game over.

“Jaebum-- I need to come, fuck, I need to come so bad,” Jaebum’s dick is red and leaking way too much for him to not be at the edge just like him. Youngjae doesn’t know why he needs to ask for it but he does anyways, “can I come? Please let me come, Jaebum.”

“Fuck yes, baby, you can come, come for me, let me hear how you sound when you--” Youngjae turns everything off, he strokes himself as if he life depends on it and right now it feels like it does, the heat pooling on his lower stomach almost makes him yell when he looks at Jaebum and the boy is coming already, white cum covering his hand and even getting it on his shirt. His dick is throbbing with the pressure and he is yelling Youngjae’s name, no baby or Choi, he yells ‘Youngjae’ and it’s too much for him.

He doesn’t even need to play with his balls, he doesn’t see it coming at all when he realizes it he is coming already, his hot cum running through his fingers but at least he doesn’t get his clothes stained. Jaebum brought tissues as well so after Youngjae is completely worked out he cleans himself and his hands with them, he feels terribly disgusting now that he isn’t horny anymore. Jaebum is almost passed out by his side, eyes almost closed but not quite there yet, he still didn’t zip himself up, Youngjae almost does it for him but them he realizes what he is doing and stops himself, if he touches Jaebum maybe the other boy will try to touch him as well, it’s not fair that he is the only one who gets to do things and he knows it so he thinks it’s better if he doesn’t do anything at all.

Youngjae settles to kiss Jaebum’s mole above his eyes and tell him to zip his pants already, “let me enjoy my afterglow… god that was so good, the noises you make, baby, just so good…” he smiles down at his boyfriend kissing him again, it was good indeed, the best orgasm Youngjae had ever had, it was the first time he was intimate with someone and this someone didn’t even get to touch or to look at his dick, he feels like an asshole to Jaebum but he agreed to it so it shouldn’t be this bad, right? And it’s not like things will be like that for the rest of their lives, they will be able to do more soon enough, at least that’s what he tells himself.

They enjoy each other’s company for a long time after it, the Cupcake Wars still playing on the background, before he can fall asleep Youngjae can feel something weird on his chest, he doesn’t know what it is and he tries to ignore it, but it still lays there. He wakes up soon after it with Jaebum telling him that they have to leave right now if they want to make it home before it gets dark so Youngjae won’t get in trouble. Things are weird inside him, on their ride home Youngjae isn’t too talkative but Jaebum is even more clingy than usual if that’s even possible, his hand will trail over his thigh, his stomach, going up to his ear so he can play with his earlobe and even hold at his nape. It’s nice enough, Youngjae doesn’t want it to stop but at the same time he wants to be alone more than anything else, he lets his head fall to the window glass so he can see the scenery smiling at himself when they see cows.

They are already in the city when he starts seeing people living their lives normally, kids on parks, small shops just like the one his family owns, Youngjae feels a single tear dropping from his eye, it’s not that he is sad, he doesn’t think he is, but today was really perfect and he wanted to have it everyday, but he can’t. Youngjae never wanted much, he used to think he had everything already so when Jaebum offered to give him everything he didn’t even think that there was something out there that he would want so much that would make him risk everything to get it. Right now though all he can think about is everything he wants to have so bad but can’t.

The normal life everyone has outside that’s exactly what he wants, he was scared of holding hands with Jaebum outside but now is everything he wants. Soon there are more tears scaping his eyes and it doesn’t matter how fast he tries to drying them because Jaebum notices it soon enough. “What’s wrong, love? Hey, what happened?”

They aren’t too close to Youngjae’s house yet but Jaebum stops the car to look at his boyfriend, he shakes his head trying to reassure him everything is alright but he sobs instead, great move Youngjae. Seeing Jaebum’s worried face he is able to get some words out, “it’s okay, I’m okay. Today was just… it was really perfect, that’s all,”

“I don’t think it would make you cry like that because it was perfect, are you regretting things, baby?”

“No! I’m not regretting anything,” he says confidently but he is not so sure about it himself. “I’m happy, just a little sad that it’s over.”

“You don’t have to be sad, we will get to do things like that a lot, yeah? I’ll make sure to make of you the most spoiled boy in the world,” Youngjae laughs at it but then he thinks about what Bambam said earlier.

“Hey, Jaebum, do you still like me, right?”

Jaebum looks bewildered by the question but answers it anyways, “of course, Choi. Why would you-- listen, I like you a lot, I like you so much I’ve never liked anyone like this before, alright? I took you to the beach house and I can assure you I never take anyone there, I did it because you like sharing and shit, I wanted to share it with you and it’s all because I like you. Don’t put negative thoughts on your head, I like everything about you. As I always say, don’t overthink things.”

Youngjae assures him that he isn’t, even if he is, he does believe Jaebum though and Bambam doesn’t know the boy as he does. He is just scared. Like always Youngjae is scared it seems to be his default mode. Jaebum doesn’t leave him too far away from his house saying it’s alright because no one will notice, he isn’t sure about it but Jaebum doesn’t want him to walk much. They kiss, just a peck when he has to leave the car, Youngjae holds Jaebum’s face on his palms.

“Thank you. It was a perfect day because you were there as well,” the embarrassment he feels when the words leave his mouth is something awful, Youngjae doesn’t like being cheesy and he isn’t as good at it as Jaebum so he just runs home before his boyfriend can say anything back.

His father is at living room when he gets home, he almost runs the other way, “your mom was starting to worry, go wash up, dinner’s almost ready,”

“Yeah, I’ll just take a shower,” he says going to his room quickly not even glancing at his father, again he is scared he will be able to notice that his son did something he shouldn’t just by looking at him. His parents always look at him as if they know everything he is up to, everything on his head, it’s like he doesn’t have privacy even when he is by himself. Being back home is terrible, the feeling of claustrophobia strong as ever.

Youngjae scrubs the bath sponge so hard over his entire body, till every inch of him is red and burning, he feels dirty and even though he pretends he doesn’t know why he feels like this he does. He prays while still in the shower, while he cries to himself harder than at the car. He just wants to feel clean again, clean and pure and like himself, like he isn’t the dirtiest person on Earth. He wants to be not dirty but also… Youngjae wants to be with Jaebum so bad, he doesn’t know what to feel. He has dinner with his parents trying to be as normal as possible, his mother does ask if he had a good day and if everything is alright, they can’t know what happened yet Youngjae is scared out of his mind that she will lock him on the closet again. She doesn’t, because she doesn’t know. Youngjae stares at the closet the entire night till he can finally fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- i hope it wasn't boring im always worried about that when im building things up u know but i hope u still enjoyed it !!  
> \- saying that,,,,,, u see i think this story might be a bit longer than i first thought but let's see how it goes  
> \- alsoo,, i know how i said updates twice a week blablabla but depression and antidepressants were being bitches so,,,,, sorry i will update as much as i can obviously,, anyways thxxx to everyone who reads this <3


	13. No turning back

“No turning back? What the fuck--” Jaebum almost shouts at his face where they stand close together, he tries getting away his face becoming red with anger, but Youngjae doesn’t let go of him keeping his arms around his boyfriend’s waist holding for dear life. Just two seconds ago Jaebum had Youngjae pressed against the door of his room, he kissed the other boy passionately while one of his hand found its way between his legs now he’s trying to push Youngjae away hard. “You gotta be fucking kidding me, Choi! No turning back? So what is this for--”

Youngjae takes a second too long to understand why Jaebum is reacting like that when it finally hits him, “no! Jaebum, that’s not it, I didn’t mean it like that...” Youngjae can see how it sounded now, he isn’t stupid he knows what he said but it’s because things have been tough on him since their date at the beach house. He doesn’t know how to act around Jaebum anymore, he’s been trying to act like always but something is stopping him, guilty or shame, maybe both. It doesn’t matter how much he tries to pretend it’s okay because he knows it isn’t and Jaebum must know by now as well.

“Didn’t mean it like that? So enlighten me, Choi, how did you mean it then? Because the way you put this--” he gets away from Youngjae when the boy finally lets go realizing the proximity isn’t helping, he gets his shirt from the floor putting it on again, anger dripping from his expression, “you say it like everything we have done till now it’s fine because you can still turn back, but going further than this will make it impossible. So, how is this? Tell me what’s your plan, you plan to fool around with me and then come at me with an ‘oh, I’m not that gay, actually I’m an ex-gay I’ve been cured’ talk?”

Youngjae tries approaching Jaebum, he’s still shirtless and he wants to cover himself more than anything but he can’t have Jaebum thinking of him like that. “I- no! Of course not! You know I’d never do something like that, all I meant was-”

“I know? And how the fuck do I know that? Since that stupid jerk off session all you do is ignore me, it’s the first time in two weeks that we are actually alone like this, and why is that, Choi?” Jaebum looks more frustrated than angry now, he sighs, “Do you think I like feeling like I forced you to do that and now you’re regretting it? Do you think this is a nice feeling? All I want is things to be normal between us but you shut me off till the next second you try to get in my pants but then ‘oh no, Jaebum, if we do that then there’s no turning back,’ what the fuck is that?”

He knows what he said and how it sounded but the last thing he wants is for Jaebum to feel like Youngjae resents him, he doesn’t, if he resents anyone here is himself for thinking with his horny self instead of his brain. He knew they should take things slow yet at the first opportunity, he was begging to watch Jaebum jerk off and then hating himself for it non-stop for the next days. “I don’t want to turn back, I’m just… I don’t know, Jaebum, can’t you understand that this is hard for me?”

“Oh please, I’m tired of this, yeah I get it, it’s hard for you but just because you have it tough doesn’t mean it makes things easy for me. I don’t want you to do anything with me that you don’t want to but-- fuck. You need to get your shit together, you either want to do this or you don’t, I’m not talking about sex because if you not ready I won’t press you, I’m talking about _this.”_ Jaebum makes a moviment with his hands as to say ‘us’.

“What… what does it mean?”

“It means-- Choi, it means that you were the one who said you wanted to do this but you don’t act like that at all, so maybe we shouldn’t be doing shit.” Jaebum lies down on his bed staring at the ceiling as if he is done with their talk, he was angry before but not anymore and it’s messing if Youngjae, he can’t be ending things between them just like that.

“Are you breaking up with me, Jaebum?” They’ve been together for three weeks now almost a month and Youngjae already managed to screw this up? This is not what he was trying to get by coming here, he was just trying to get things back to normal, he thought maybe he would be able to be comfortable with Jaebum again, he knows how he feels about his boyfriend and he knows what he wants, he thought things would be ok but there are some things he can’t force himself to do. He can’t take all the fear he has inside his chest and just throw it away, he wishes he could but he can’t.

“God, no, I’m not breaking up with you but we should take a break, I don’t know so maybe you can have a time to think if that’s what you really want. I mean someone who avoids their boyfriend for half the time they’ve been together can’t really be into this dating thing, I’m being the good person here,” and now Youngjae gets it.  

“I haven’t been-- you know what, no, we won’t take a stupid break,” now Youngjae is almost yelling, talking way louder than he usually does, standing by the bed trying to get Jaebum to look at him, he does but he isn’t as worked up as Youngjae is. “This is all bullshit! People say they want a break when they want to break up but are too much of cowards to admit it. What do we need a break for? We haven’t been together for more than three weeks, we don’t need a break, Jaebum!”

“I’m just so done with this shit, alright? You think you can play with me and then go back to be a straight church boy as if nothing happened? If you’ll end up leaving then you should do it now, I don’t care, I didn’t expect you to stay anyway.”

It makes Youngjae swallow his words, they haven’t been together for a long time and it’s not like Jaebum owe him anything like trusting him but he knows he trusts the other boy better than this. Jaebum should know that this is not what Youngjae intends,  “you don’t care… I don’t want to go back to anything, I’m just trying to figure things out for me, for both of us.” Jaebum doesn’t acknowledge him, as if Youngjae’s struggles mean nothing to him, he guesses he is really done with it by now. “Do you want me to leave?” Jaebum shrugs, “this is not fair, y’know…”

“Not fair?” Jaebum scoffs getting up from the bed so he can look at Youngjae, he stands close to him eyes connected so the younger boy can see just how serious he is, “what is not fair is for me to be always begging you for any kind of affection, god is like I’m ten again. I’m not a kid anymore, hear me? I won’t beg for you to stay, leave if you want, Choi.”

“I don’t want to leave, I don’t--” Youngjae wants to cry, he feels like he is losing this and there’s nothing he can do, he can’t even promise Jaebum to change things between them when he doesn’t know if he’d be able to do that.

“Listen… I don’t want you to leave either, a break don’t have to be something bad, you can take some time to think if you’re sure about this. I just don’t want to be played with. Do not play me, alright?”

Being honest Youngjae doesn’t think is a bad idea, he needs to figure things out and maybe it will be easier if he does it by himself, it doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t want to be away from Jaebum, this is the last thing he wants. “What if I don’t ever come back though?” He mumbles already defeated.

“That’s your choice to make and I won’t interfere, till you decide on what you want we are on a break through,” Jaebum talks to him coldly just like every other person on Youngjae’s life ever does. “I won’t wait forever, just so you know.” And just like that Jaebum leaves his own room, doesn’t say anything else and doesn’t wait for a reply, Youngjae dresses on his shirt slowly trying to understand what just happened, he hurt Jaebum this much is obvious but it was not about today, it’s about everything else, about Youngjae being reluctant about being seen in public with him, about him not wanting to hold hands, about all the avoiding he did these past weeks… he is scared Jaebum is giving up on them, on him.

Youngjae feels pathetic while he walks out of the room, seeing Margareth and Mrs. Im at the living room he feels even worse his face burning with shame. “Huh, did Jaebum leave?” He asks obviously to Margareth but Mrs. Im is the one who even gets up from the couch to talk to him.

“Trouble in paradise?” She says in a mocking tone, “I could couple counsel you two if you need, just let me know.”

“Yeah, that would be nice maybe then you would take the time to listen to your own son problems since you never seem to do anything like that.” His anger at her makes him forget all about the shame he was feeling. Margareth tries to suppress a giggle while Mrs. Im looks utterly offended ready to throw Youngjae out but she won’t need to, he leaves by himself without saying anything else, slamming the door extra hard behind himself. If Jaebum doesn’t want him here there’s definitely no reason for him to stay.

Walking home is faster than it usually is, he doesn’t see how fast he’s walking till he gets there, his head is a mess all he can think about is how to fix this, how to fix himself and not in the way Jaebum thinks he wants to do it. His father is at the living room reading a book by himself, it’s early for him to be home already but it’s none of Youngjae business so he plans on  ignore his father altogether, but no such luck.

“Your shirt is inside out,” Youngjae looks down at himself, fuck he didn’t notice it, “did you spend all day at school like that and no one told you?” His father asks, Youngjae is lucky his mother is at the kitchen, she saw him earlier and his shirt wasn’t like that.

“It’s… kinda trendy these days,” before he can leave to his room he can hear his father making a disapproving noise.

“Why aren’t you a the choir practice?”

He forgot about it again, but even now being reminded of it Youngjae isn’t going to church it doesn’t matter what his father says, he won’t sit there and listen to the awful things Anna has to say or sing songs he doesn’t want to sing with people he doesn’t want to see in a place he doesn’t want to be. Youngjae knows he can’t say any of these things so he takes advantage of his father’s distraction and runs to his room without saying anything.

Youngjae locks the door after him and he knows what’s coming, not even an entire minute later his father is banging on it harshly. “Open this door right now, Choi Youngjae!”

“I’m skipping tonight, I’m not going to church,” he yells back, a locked door will make him braver than anything it seems.

“I said to open the door! Open the door right now!” The yells must have alerted his mother who joins her husband telling Youngjae to open the door. Instead of opening though he drags his table to the door so it will be harder to open if his father tries something.

When he was a kid it would always go like that, he would be able to run to his room and lock it up before they could get there but then they would talk him into unlocking it and he would get beaten the same way, they would lie to him but he won’t be fooled again. They give up soon enough, his father saying that he can’t stay there forever, Youngjae knows he can’t but he will stay for as long as possible, he is hungry out of his mind but he won’t leave this room today.

Youngjae lies on his bed thinking of something to text Jaebum ignoring what he just did by refusing to go to church and to open the door, ignoring the fear on the pit of his stomach, he is so used to feeling like that, he can ignore it one more night. He doesn’t text Jaebum though, he sees that Jackson posted a selfie of them together, not just them, there’s a lot of other people in the photo but Jaebum is there. He is out there having fun with his friends while Youngjae is locked up on his room, it’s not fair and it makes him angry as if he needs more reasons to feel awful.

Not knowing what to do with himself Youngjae undresses in front of his mirror, there a beautiful purple mark Jaebum left on his collarbone just where his shirt can still cover it. It’s really beautiful, Youngjae thinks, and he likes it, it’s the only proof he has that he was with Jaebum and that they were _together._ He analyzes all of his body remembering what Jaebum said about his thighs it makes him smile embarrassingly to himself.

Youngjae read something online some days ago, it said some stuff he thought was all bullshit, but right now staring at himself he thinks there’s nothing to lose, he won’t embarrass himself in front of anyone but himself anyway, and what if it works? Maybe his problems will be all solved. He gets closer to the mirror making a face as if greeting his reflection, “huh, I’m supposed to… tell you some things,” Youngjae almost dies of embarrassment right there, he sounds like a crazy person and that’s not exactly what the website told him to do. He was supposed to repeat some stuff to himself till he believed it and not talk to himself as if he needs a therapist help.

“You are valid,” his face on the mirror tells him just how pathetic he sounds, he covers his face after it feeling the skin under his hands burn. Okay, he is being ridiculous by being so embarrassed there’s no one here and he can do it, it’s simple he can do it for himself… and for Jaebum, he can do it for them. Taking a deep breath he tries again this time as serious as he can manage, “your feelings and your sexuality are valid. You… there’s nothing wrong with you being the way you are…”

Breathing deeply he stares into his own eyes, they are bright, he didn’t even know his eyes were so bright. “You are gay and there’s nothing wrong with it!” He thought he would have a panic attack saying it out loud but no, no panic attacks just a weird feeling on his stomach but nothing new, there’s nothing new here, he said it but that’s no news for him.

He didn’t follow through with the website instructions, he was supposed to be more optimist to tell himself that everything would be alright that he is a good person, but he can’t do much more than what he did right now. He lies back on his bed just a few tears rolling down his face, he feels even worse than before but he won’t give up on it just yet. He is supposed to do things in order to feel better about himself, it doesn’t matter what as long as he feels useful or like he achieved something.

So after the crying he composes himself and tries to exercise a little, he is really bad at it and it’s not something he really enjoys doing but maybe working on his body will give him a sense of proudness and he will be able to feel more confident about himself, this is his main go. Youngjae is too hungry to exercise for too long though at least it helps him feel warmer, he wants to call Jaebum now and it’s not even to talk about what happened earlier it’s because he misses him already, he misses Jaebum so much it’s ridiculous. Instead he gets his phone and decides to watch some videos on youtube, he starts by watching dancing practices, he can’t really dance but maybe he can give it a shot some other time now that he is trying things out.

After a lot of videos he ends up watching drag queens videos at first it’s just makeup tutorials that he doesn’t even know why he watches, he doesn’t have an interest for makeup and it’s not like he will develop it now just because he was able to admit that he is gay, but they are entertaining enough and he likes it, they are very funny and he laughs a lot forgetting about his own problems. Soon he is watching performance videos till he finds coming out ones, he wasn’t really looking for them but now that he is here he’s curious.

Youngjae watches a lot of videos, by a lot he means _a lot,_ he cries and laughs with some, others are boring and he doesn’t even bother watching all of them but when he realizes it ’s past two in the morning, he will sleep soon he’ll just watch one more video, he tells himself. The last video is of a drag queen called Lady Orgazma Kiki who does comedy so it’s really funny at the beginning but then she starts telling stories about her childhood, her family and about how her life was tough. She says she was very feminine growing up so people bullied her a lot and her family being Christians they’ve always tried to change her, going as far as sending her to a conversion camp even though she was still closeted and would swear she wasn’t gay. Youngjae feels so sorry for her, she tells a lot of things sometimes it’s hard for her but she keeps a smile on her face.

The video is pretty long but at the end, she is the sweetest person ever, in her sweet tone of voice Lady Orgazma Kiki says that it’s okay being yourself but that it’s okay feeling afraid too, it’s the first time Youngjae hears something like that. _“You don’t need to rush, you’ll feel comfortable on your own skin at your own time, but you do need to work for that. Remember being safe is your most important goal, if you don’t feel safe coming out don’t do it just because others tell you to, coming out is a different experience for everyone and you’re the only one who knows the right moment to do something so huge in your life.”_ Youngjae nods to himself listening to her, she makes a point about finding the happiness reassuring her viewers that they’ll all find it one day just like she did.

He doesn’t quite believe that, he tries seeing himself being happy one day but he can’t really picture it, he thinks about it a lot though, about how happy Lady Orgazma Kiki is right now (he watched some of her other videos), how she found a family of her own and how she is doing everything she always wanted to do. Thinking about her story he thinks things were harder for her than they are for him right now, no one really knows about his sexuality yet, he isn’t bullied because of it and his family doesn’t hurt him, not because of that anyways, maybe he can make himself stronger now before things go downhill, he can start working on his confidence even more than he planned to do before. He needs to love himself, that’s what every person he watched would say.

Youngjae feels like he is having one of those moments people have in the middle of the night when they can’t sleep so they think they can conquer the world then at the other day they won’t go through with any of their plans. But that’s not what he will do, tomorrow he will start something new, he will love himself, alright he knows it isn’t that easy but he will do what he has to do. Some of the queens said ‘fake it till you make it’, and if there’s something Youngjae is good at doing it’s faking, he will fake the hell out of self love and self acceptance.

In the morning he feels like dying though, all the determination didn’t leave his body, but maybe he could sleep five more minutes? No, he cannot. So Youngjae gets up, is early and it’s freezing, his parents still asleep, checking his phone and seeing no texts from Jaebum makes it to him, he won’t give up on this. He dresses and goes out to a run, this is probably the dumbest thing he has ever done he thinks after five minutes into it, the wind is hurting his eyes so bad and he doesn’t have his beanie with him so his hair is so humid it’s like he just washed it.

“Just think of the… the prize, Youngjae. Come on, you can do it,” he pants to himself, the prize is being happy like the drag queens he watched last night, the prize will be Jaebum looking at him softly like he did on their last date. Not that he needs abs to get these things but it’s a step he’s taking and he will take all the steps he needs to.

Youngjae is almost dead at school as well, his legs hurt a little, he didn’t even jog as much as he would like but his body is as lazy as it could be. “Of course he wouldn’t come today, stupid idiot.”

“Who?” Bambam asks, but before Youngjae can say anything he figures it by himself, “oh, _he._ Your beloved boyfriend, why ‘of course’ though? Did something happen to him?”

“We had a fight, I guess skipping school is another way he has to avoid me,” Youngjae knows not everything is about him, he isn’t so full of himself but Jaebum only comes to school to stare at him when he can’t stare he doesn’t bother showing up, so obviously he didn’t want to even look at him today.

“Ah, don’t be like that, people fight all the time. It’s normal,” Bambam reassures him nicely enough, he was worried about the whole Jaebum thing he probably still is but he is very supportive and is always by Youngjae’s side. After some time Youngjae speaks again, another step, he can take another step.

“Bammie…”

“Huh?”

“I’m gay.” Bambam looks at him expectantly but nothing, he doesn’t say anything else.

“Huh, dude, I’m pretty sure that was implied when y’know you told me about dating another guy and shit. So huh, that’s cool?” Bambam seems unsure of himself as if he doesn’t know the right thing to say here.

“Yeah, I know, I just needed to say it… anyways, I’ll tell Yugy too,” seeing his friend happy expression he has to shut it down, “not today though, I’m taking steps yeah, but baby steps… I will tell him soon enough.”

After it they don’t have much alone time because Yugyeom shows up and they don’t talk about the whole gay thing with him, not yet anyway. Either way all Youngjae can think about is Jaebum and how he can fix things between them, he feels better after all those videos but they aren’t magic, he still feels unsure about the whole ‘dating a boy’ thing and maybe not seeing Jaebum will help him figure things out faster. That’s what he tells himself when the pain in his chest won’t leave him alone.

When Sunday comes around Youngjae isn’t exactly disappointed that he doesn’t see Jaebum at his spot on their way to church, it’s been some time since the last time he stood there in the cold, but for some dumb reason Youngjae thought he would be there. They haven’t talked at all since Tuesday and it’s killing him, it doesn’t matter the things he has in his mind, all his fears are small when compared to the awful way he feels when he is apart from Jaebum.

Jaebum is back at school the next week and Youngjae thinks about all the ways he could approach him but he doesn’t, he wants to, his heart hurts everytime they lock eyes across the hall or even at the parking lot. Jaebum doesn’t ignore his gazes as he would do before but he doesn’t try anything either, Youngjae is mad about it for just a day or so but when he thinks better of it he can see why Jaebum would act like that. He was the one giving Youngjae space and he probably is waiting for the boy to do something about it. And Youngjae will, soon he will.

This week is difficult for them, he knows it was for Jaebum as well, he just knows it was, every time he looks at Jaebum he feels like dying, like just going there and kissing him in front of everyone, taking his boyfriend back, it’s not like he can though. But he took advantage of the time he had on his hands, he found a list of LGBT books and it’s able to read four of them, he plans on reading more but he discovers that the most important about it all is to get familiar with the whole gay thing, seeing that there’s a lot of people like him out there and that they are normal people just like everyone else, not evil but not good either just normal people.

It makes Youngjae feel less lonely, knowing he isn’t by himself even if he doesn’t know these people they still have something in common. He also takes his time to be a good son, as much as he can be anyways, he has plans and for that, he needs his parents to be in a good mood with him and for them to not have any reason to ground him. He didn’t skip choir practice again and he was already punished for the last time, the not beautiful purple mark on his ribs making it evident. So now things are better at home for the time being.

Youngjae texts Bambam telling him that he will make it to his house so they will be able to have their boys’ night, which consists on the three best friends stuffing their faces with junk food and playing video games all night long. It’s been a while since the last time he had permission to spend the night at his friend’s place. So he was pretty smart this week, but before he can go to Bambam’s house he will go fix his biggest problem.

“Hey, can you give me a ride?” Youngjae says knocking on the window of Jaebum’s car, he was about to leave having already started his car so Youngjae had to run.

Jaebum arches up a brow at him, “are you sure you want to be dropped off by me?” His voice isn’t angry or aggressive, he obviously still doesn’t know where they stand and is being defensive, it’s only natural.

“Oh, you won’t be dropping me off at home, I’ll go to yours so we can talk… about… y’know stuff,” he doesn’t say anything else and neither does Jaebum just letting the boy get in the car. They don’t speak and Jaebum seems tense, Youngjae hates it, he wants to reach out but he doesn’t and it’s awful, not being able to touch Jaebum is just so awful, so hurtful.

At Jaebum’s house they go straight to his room, he mumbles something about his mom getting home at any moment and not wanting to see her. “So…”

“So… huh,” each of them are standing in a side of the room, Youngjae still close to the door so he gets closer to Jaebum making the other stiff even more. “I missed you,”

“Oh,” Jaebum’s face colors a little, he’s still tense but his face is less cold, “I-- yeah, missed you too, but you know…”

“Yes, I know. Can I come closer?” It’s ridiculous that this is something he needs to do, ask Jaebum if it’s okay for them to be close, at least he concedes to it. “You weren’t wrong the last time when you said I had to get my shit together you weren’t wrong,”

“Okay,”

“But you were wrong about the rest, I-- I don’t want to leave you, Jaebum. When I said I wouldn’t I really meant that I want to be with you.” This is not going the way Youngjae planned, those feel like empty words but he doesn’t know where to start the things he really wants to say.

“You don’t get it,” Jaebum says sitting at his bed, Youngjae sits with him not too close but not too far either, they are both facing the window not looking at each other. “Maybe you think you won’t leave me now, but you will, eventually you will because everyone does. And seeing you talk about turning back just makes it more real for me. It reminds me that things end, that people leave...”

“I know, I know it was a shitty thing to say and a shitty way to act as well, but,” he drops his hands to catch one of Jaebum’s, again he stirs but Youngjae doesn’t let go, “I know it was dumb and I regret it, but please hear what I’m saying, it doesn’t mean what you think it means. It doesn’t mean that I will leave you and, I don’t know, get married to a blonde woman, that’s not what it means. What I meant that day is that I was not ready and I wasn’t, I don’t know if I’m ready now but this is not the point…”

“What is the point then, Choi?” Jaebum asks turning a little so he can steal a look at Youngjae.

“The point is,” he takes Jaebum hand closer to his own body using his other hand to trace his knuckles, “the point is that I made some thinking these past days, I’m working on myself and I hope you’ll be able to see it, I’m getting my shit together, yeah?” He tries a smile that Jaebum almost returns. “I figured a important thing out, I figured that whatever is it that I’m doing I don’t want to do it by myself and I don’t want to do it just with anyone either, I want to do it with you. I missed you so much, I don’t like how it feels when you’re not there.”

“I want to believe you, but how can I know you’re serious about it for sure? I can’t, there’s no way, I… god this is hard to say,” Jaebum squeezes his hand tightly, “I don’t want to get attached to you just to end up by myself as I always do, even if I think that it’s a bit too late to consider it.”

“You won’t end up alone, I will be by your side even when you get bored of me, I won’t leave. There’s no turning back because I don’t need a turn back,” Youngjae kisses softly at every knuckle of Jaebum’s fingers getting a struggled noise from the other boy, is a wet noise like a cry even if there are no tears. “I don’t think to say it will be enough, it’s just words but I can prove it to you and I will if you let me. Will you?”

Jaebum doesn’t reply just because he can’t, all he does is nod his head pushing his hand even closer to Youngjae’s lips so he can kiss it again so Youngjae does. He kisses his fingertips telling Jaebum just how much he missed him, still does, just how he wants to make things right between them. It’s pretty much one of the most intimate things they’ve done together, talking about feelings isn’t exactly the easiest thing for neither of them, so Youngjae treasures everything they say, what he says mostly since Jaebum doesn’t say much.

It’s starting to get dark outside, “I don’t want you to leave, baby.”

“I-- I have to, but I want you to go with me,” Jaebum is obviously surprised but he probably thinks Youngjae wants him to sneak in again which is not the case. “Me, Bambam and Yugyeom use to have a boys’ night at least once a month, well it’s most the two of them since I almost never get permission to go but I got it today, I think it would be pretty cool if you joined us.”

“It doesn’t sound like a good idea,” Jaebum says taking his hand from Youngjae’s hold trying to get some space between them in the bed. “I don’t think they would like me there, I’m not even friends with them and--”

“No, no lame excuses, I’m their best friend and you’re my boyfriend it’s like their duty to like you, well it probably is,” he knows it isn’t but it doesn’t matter, “I want you there, Jaebum. I miss you so much, don’t you miss me?” He pouts knowing exactly what to do to convince his boyfriend. “Please, they are an important part of my life and so are you, I want you to be _in_ my life, to be a part of it, let me show you how much I want it. Pretty please, babe?”

“Alright, alright, but if we don’t get to spend the night cuddling then I’m coming back home,” Jaebum says leaning in to give Youngjae’s eye mole a light kiss making the both of them smile like idiots at each other, so things aren’t weird between them, it’s not like they spent more than a week not talking to each other, everything might not be perfect yet but it will be, Youngjae will make sure it will be and that he won’t ever, ever, hurt Jaebum again.

Yugyeom is the one who lets them inside Bambam’s house, the other boy is at the kitchen with some food bowls he almost drops when he sees Jaebum standing next to Youngjae. Yugyeom seems even more shocked, he couldn’t even get a word out just letting them in and yelling for Bambam.

“Is it alright if Jaebum joins us tonight? He was all by himself at that big ass house of his and no race to attend, it was depressing really so I invited him,” Jaebum pinches his arm at his mocking tone.

“Hum, sure, yeah it’s alright, the more the merrier, am I right?” Bambam says happily but he is actually trying to communicate something with Youngjae using only his eyebrows, as if everyone in the room couldn’t notice it, Youngjae pretends he doesn’t though.

They go to Bambam’s room together, everyone helping bring the food and the drinks, but no one will say anything, this is not like a boys’ night goes, they are usually so loud that Bambam’s mother has to come to his room to scold them at least five times. “So Jaebum, are you any good at mario kart?” Yugyeom asks when they are sitting down in front of the huge TV.

“Oh, god no, he is awful at kart racing games, you wouldn’t ever say he does it in real life,”

“Oh, have you two played before?” Jaebum tries not to laugh at Youngjae’s slip, it’s not like he isn’t planning on telling his friend, he brought Jaebum here for a reason but he doesn’t want to be this oblivious either.

“Yeah, we’ve played,”

“Ah, but it doesn’t matter now, Yugy. What matters is that you both suck at it so to make it fair it will be me and you against Jaebum and Bammie. Come on, let’s show these loser how to win a race.” The only reason why he doesn’t team up with Jaebum is because he wants him to get closer to his friends, to maybe befriend them as well, he knows he could use some new friends.

None of them complain either way, it gets a lot better after it because as soon as Yugyeom and Youngjae win the first two games a war of yells and limbs over limbs start, Youngjae can’t stop laughing at Jaebum’s face, he looks so happy here playing like a kid, it’s nothing like the happiness he has on his eyes when he is racing for real, it’s something entirely different. Jaebum orders them pizza as a thank you for letting him join them and that’s enough for him to win Yugyeom’s heart over.

“Oh god, you should come every month if you going to pay for pizza,” he says holding three different slices of pizza on his hands.

“Don’t get used to it I’m not your father to provide for you, for any of you,” Jaebum points at the three of them getting three pairs of puppy eyes in return. “Yah, it doesn’t work with me, so y’all can stop it.”

“It totally does,” Youngjae says dropping a kiss to Jaebum’s cheek, Yugyeom looks surprised, eyes bulging, but stops himself from saying anything. Youngjae knows this is not something he does a lot, dropping kisses on other boy’s cheek, it should be surprising indeed, but he tries to play it as if not a big deal, he wants to have it in his life and he wants it to be something normal so he won’t stop himself from getting it at least at places where he can.

The sun is starting to rise when they finally decide that is time to sleep, Yugyeom is already passed out on Bambam’s bed, Youngjae uses a spare air mattress so he can sleep on it with Jaebum, he usually shares the bed with his two best friends but it wouldn’t fit the four of them tonight and it would be weird anyways. There isn’t a lot of space on the mattress but it’s not like they need it, Jaebum is pressing kisses at his nape while they hold hands under the blankets.

“Thanks for this… for all of this,” they fall asleep soon after it, too tired to say anything else. Youngjae wakes up six hours later, Bambam is already up looking for clothes on his closet, he looks at his best friend with a funny face but Youngjae doesn’t care about it now. He woke up to Jaebum’s warm arms holding him close to his body.

After Bambam leaves the room Youngjae takes his time staring at Jaebum, he admires every mole, every detail of his face, the shape of his lips and the way his nose seems to be scarved by a god, traces his eyebrows, the most beautiful eyebrows he has ever seen in his life. Enjoys how Jaebum’s soft black hair stick to his forehead a bit sweaty, how beautiful and long his neck is, Youngjae doesn’t want to blink, he doesn’t want to miss anything about this, he wants to look at Jaebum peacefully sleeping like that forever.

“It’s so creepy that you’ve been staring at me for half an hour now,” Jaebum doesn’t even has his eyes open yet he knows he’s been watched for a long time. Youngjae gasps slapping his arm not too strongly just because he doesn’t want to be noisy and wake Yugyeom up.

“If you were awake why didn’t you say anything, asshole?”

“I wanted to see for how long you would look at me adoringly like that, I’d have waited more but I kinda need to pee,” Youngjae laughs at him, he likes Jaebum, he likes Jaebum a lot he thinks when he leans in kissing Jaebum quickly on the lips. They haven’t kiss in days and he misses it but it’s not like they are alone here.

When all of them finally go downstairs Bambam’s entire family is there, it’s already late and his mother says lunch is almost ready so they all have to stay and eat with them. She falls in love with Jaebum instantly, “such a handsome boy, why are you hanging out with these noisy kids?” Which gets a blush from Jaebum and non-stop complaints from Bambam.

Lunch is pleasant, the food is delicious since Bambam’s mother owns a restaurant and can cook like no one else, also everyone here is so nice, she likes saying they are noisy but everyone here is. Youngjae feels free to laugh as loudly as he wants, he feels free here, they make him feel safe and Jaebum looks just as happy as he is, Youngjae can’t think of anything he would rather be doing now.

Jaebum offers to drop Yugyeom and Youngjae home, Yugyeom already feels comfortable with him so he’s already all excited that he will be riding on Jaebum’s shiny car. “I don’t think I need a ride, I can walk home,” Jaebum doesn’t seem happy with it but doesn’t say anything, they walk together to the car after they say their goodbyes, Yugyeom already in the car when Jaebum starts talking to him in a whispered tone.

“I can drive you, come on is no big deal,”

“Yeah, is no big deal, so I can walk. I’ve been jogging, did you know? I’m getting all athletic and shit,” he points at his non-existent muscles getting a soft smile in return, “it’s better like this, Jaebum, I don’t want my father being suspicious or even seeing us together, I’ll see you soon, yeah?” They are walking to the car hands touching from time to time.

“Soon, yeah… can I kiss you goodbye?” Jaebum’s face is still a little swollen from all the sleeping he did and Youngjae thinks he is the most beautiful person alive under the sunshine, he wants to keep his eyes on him.

“No, you cannot…” Youngjae looks from side to side, there’s no one around but there’s a lot of houses of course someone could be watching them without them knowing, “don’t say anything to Yugyeom about us, I’ll do it myself. By the way Bambam already knows.”

“Oh?” Jaebum is so surprised, they are already standing next to the car so Youngjae leans in a quickly as he can manage to kiss his cheek again.

“Drive home safely,” he says while Jaebum puts a hand over his cheek blushing slightly, it could be the cold but Youngjae doesn’t think it is. He thinks Jaebum likes him, and that’s the thing, he thinks he likes Youngjae just like Youngjae likes him. He walks home smiling all the way there, he doesn’t talk back or have any discussion with his parents, going as far as helping his mother bake some food she will be taking to church this weekend.

Youngjae knows things aren’t perfect and that he still has work to do, he hasn’t prayed in while and the guilty still there but he feels good about himself, today he feels so good about himself. He texts Jaebum a selfie making a kissy face, Jaebum mocks him but Youngjae knows he loves it, he just knows he does. He can’t stop smiling for the rest of the day and before he falls asleep he thinks this is the first time he has felt this happiness inside him, all day long no emptiness, no loneliness, all he felt was happiness. Youngjae thanks Lady Orgazma Kiki for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- honestly this was going to be angsty and whatnot but i decided that at this point i just want to develop their relationship + characters;  
> \- so i hope u enjoyed it and i hope everyone is happy and healthy also ready to support got7's cb <3  
> (aaa btw the drag queen is made up lol i used a name generator tbh)


	14. Him & I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if this chapter exists it's because of g-eazy and halsey's song 'him & i', really i was struggling with it but then i watched the mv on mtv yesterday and.... magic happened lol so im thankful to their song
> 
>  
> 
> (@Free Spirit (Levi_ah) im gifting it to u as well bc listen ur comments help me a lot!! u give me inspiration!! and u know hdiwjjs ilyyy babe)

The day is cold but not as cold as it would be in the past months, is probably the warmest day of the year the temperature a little more comfortable so Youngjae thought it would be a good opportunity to go have milkshakes with Bambam and Yugyeom. He used to do it a lot more, at least once a week with Yugyeom, but things have been a mess for some time now, he feels bad for it and for the secrets he has been keeping from his friend. They walk to the diner together after school, Youngjae laughs a lot on his way there, Bambam keeps mocking Yugyeom for how his hair turned yellow instead of blond when the tried dyeing it himself.

“You look just like Earl of Lemongrab, oh my god!” Bambam can’t stop the giggles that are escaping his mouth, Yugyeom tries to look annoyed but he’s giggling too.

“You can call me Earl of Lemongrab, I don’t care, Bammie. What I do care about is why Jaebum went to boys’ night and you two seem to be fine with it, I mean is Im Jaebum! How is it normal that Jae is hanging out with him of all people?”

“Let’s order first and talk later,” Youngjae isn’t trying to distract him, he invited them here so he could talk to Yugyeom so it’s not a problem, but it’s better if they have their milkshakes with them so they can talk in peace. It’s just them and two waitresses at the diner, he is lucky there’s no one else around yet he chooses a booth at the far back of the place.

Sitting with his Oreo milkshake Youngjae enjoys the sweet cold taste of it in his mouth for a long moment, Bambam’s back at bugging Yugyeom when he cleans his throat to get their attention. “So,”

“So?”

“So about the Jaebum thing…” but Youngjae doesn’t know where to start, he wants to tell Yugyeom about him more than just about Jaebum, but it just doesn’t seem right, like how do you say something like that out of nowhere? “Hum…”

“Come on, dude, say it already, how did you two start hanging out? I didn’t even know you were friends and now apparently you go to his place, this is so crazy,”

“Yeah, Jae, I don’t know about it either, how did you two start talking and whatnot? It’s not like you two hang with the same people or at the same places,” Bambam is curious too, he knows about the dating thing but it’s obvious that he doesn’t trust Jaebum too much and he wants to know how things went between them.

“He gave me a ride...”

“He offered you a ride and you got into his car, just like this? Doesn’t sound much like you,” Bambam mumbles while he eats a donut bigger than his face. And he is right this is nothing like Youngjae and he doesn’t know how to explain why he did it.

“The point is that he gave me a ride and we got to hang out a couple of times so--” he looks at Yugyeom, the boy is interested but not overly curious which is good. “Don’t be loud, yeah?”

“Why would I be loud for?”

“Because you _are_ loud, Yugy, and I can’t have anyone hearing what I’m going to say,”

“I am loud? So is Bambam, why aren’t asking him the same thing? This is not fair, he’s even louder than me!” This such a silly thing yet the younger of the three has a already formed pout on his lips.

“I’m not, oh my god, you’re so much louder than me, Yu-”

“Ok, that’s enough, just don’t be loud neither of you and hear me out,” both of them just shrug, Yugyeom mumbling something he can’t really understand. “What I was saying is that we got closer and then closer than closer,” no one says anything, all Bambam does is smirk at his struggles, “Yugy, I’m dating Jaebum.” He says finally just like ripping a bandaid off.

“You are what?” He shouts to the entire place to hear, well the waitresses and a couple of students that got here after them. “Dating Im--”

“Shut up!” Youngjae almost throws his milkshake at him trying to get the other boy to be quiet while Bambam cracks up beside him. “I told you to not be loud! Goddamnit, Yugyeom!”

“Is this a joke? This is a joke, right Bammie?” Yugyeom is even a bit pale, eyes huge with surprise and even if he’s incredulous Youngjae can see the part of him that is surprised because it might be true.

“Not a joke, Yugy, our friend over here really went there and was the first of us to score one for the team,” Youngjae blushes at the way Bambam puts it but he can’t really deny it since it’s true, he was the first one of them to start dating.

“But... but he is a boy,” he whispers the last word as if it’s a curse. Youngjae feels himself getting cold, he was more nervous about telling it to his friend because he didn’t know how to do it and not because he was scared of his reaction, he already went through that with Bambam and he’s been working on the whole ‘it’s normal to be like that’ thing so he forgot for a second that it’s not normal, at least not to everyone and maybe it isn’t for Yugyeom as well.

“Really? Way to be a dick, Yugy, you think we didn’t notice that? Pretty sure we wouldn’t mistake him for a girl, not with those shoulders, that jawline and everything else,”

Youngjae doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t know what to say, so they all stay in silence till Yugyeom speaks again, “sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Is just… you’re a Christian? I thought you couldn’t do things like that. But it’s not like I have a problem with it, because I don’t, I can’t pretend it’s not surprising though, I’m sorry, Jae, I support you 100%.”

“You don’t have nothing to apologize for but… y’know, Yugy, people are gay all around the world, it doesn’t matter what religion they choose or they are born in, their country or their culture, their age or their race, nothing like this can stop someone from being gay, it’s natural, I learnt that. So yeah, even me being a Christian, I can still be gay,” Youngjae is almost out of breath when he finally stops, those are things he has been reading and watching, things he never got the chance to say out loud and didn’t even think he would have to say anytime soon, saying them feels foreign in his tongue but it feels right at the same time too.

Bambam puts his hands over Youngjae’s like he used to do when they were kids and the boy would get upset over something harsh his parents would say or do to him. “Someone has been educating himself, I see,” Yugyeom says in a playful tone and that’s enough to make them all relax on the boot. “Sorry, really I meant no harm, I’m glad you’re comfortable enough to come out to us,”

“For you. To come out for you, he came out to me first,” Bambam smirks and then they are all back at bickering at each other because of trustiness and privileges and also true friendship which for Yugyeom means not telling secrets just for one of the best friends, equal rights and blah blah blah, so things are alright and Youngjae feels like he can breathe again, it wasn’t so bad, he thinks the other boy still looks at him the same way, that’s all he wanted anyways.

After they finish their milkshakes and Youngjae has to endure a lot of complaints from Yugyeom but also some ‘I’m really proud of you, bro,’ he can finally leave to church, on his way there he can’t stop thinking about Jaebum, he checks the time and figures he has some time before choir practice, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he went to his boyfriend’s house first, it’s just that he skipped class for the past two days and Youngjae isn’t sure if everything is alright, he will just check on him and then run to church.

Youngjae waits for almost ten minutes in front of Jaebum’s house, he is about to give up on knocking when the door finally opens, “Oh, of course, who else? Jaebum’s at his playroom, make yourself at home,” Mrs. Im never looks pleased to see him but today she seems especially annoyed by his presence. Luckily she doesn’t say anything just goes back upstairs, leaving Youngjae to find Jaebum by himself.

The house is dark, there’s no lights on and everything is silent, Youngjae walks on his tiptoes afraid he will disturb the atmosphere for some reason, is not the easiest task to walk around in a place where he doesn’t know that well in the dark but he manages. When he finally makes it to Jaebum’s playroom there’s an anime he doesn’t know playing on the huge screen and a body lying on the couch, he supposes it’s Jaebum.

Turning on the lights in order to not startle the other boy Youngjae walks over to the couch just to catch Jaebum already looking at him with a surprised expression on his face, “hey you,”

“Hey _you,”_ Youngjae says getting closer to the couch, he is happy to see Jaebum but soon realizes he doesn’t look too well. “Why haven’t I see you in the past two days, huh?”

“I wasn’t feeling like going to school, sorry,” Jaebum reaches out so he can pull Youngjae to sit next to him already, “I wasn’t expecting for this visit though, don’t you have your choir thing to attend?”

Jaebum doesn’t look good at all, Youngjae thinks he keeps losing weight, his eyes always red and even if he is never too smiley he’s carrying a depressed look now. “I do,” Youngjae plays with his fringe, “I wanted to check on you first, I missed you, y’know? That’s a thing about having a boyfriend, you kinda have to see him constantly, I might be a little clingy, weren’t expecting for this either were you?”

“No, I wasn’t,” Jaebum supports his body on his arms sitting up a bit to kiss Youngjae on the lips, it’s a soft but so, so sweet kiss it almost hurts Youngjae with how meaningful it feels. His lips taste like alcohol and something else he can’t really figure out what it is. Youngjae kisses him now with more force, holding Jaebum face.

“Are you alright here?”

“Fine,” Jaebum says while he lies down again trying to bring Youngjae body down with him without success, “come on, stay for a bit, I missed you too.”

“Jaebum, did you take something? Like those things you were taking on your birthday,”

“God, you love bringing it up, don’t you? And you can say ‘drugs’ you won’t be send straightway to hell for just saying it.” Jaebum says not angrily, he was surprised at first when he saw Youngjae but there’s no emotions on his face anymore, everything is empty. “I did heroin two days ago but that was it, I mean… mostly,”

It gets him by surprise, he didn’t know Jaebum did heroin, it’s worrying, Youngjae can feel his heart constricting at the new information. “Why?”

“Why what?” Youngjae doesn’t know what to say, is just that he doesn’t know why Jaebum does the things that he does, they are together but he doesn’t really understand the other boy, he wants to help him but right now he is a little scared.

“Why did you do it... heroin, why did you do it?” Youngjae is whispering afraid Jaebum’s mother will hear them, he doesn’t know if this is a secret or not, probably not but it’s better being safe.

“Huh, I thought you would scold me not ask me why,” he gets the TV control just to pause the anime that neither of them are watching anyway, making the room even quieter, “I wanted to feel good, I wanted to… I don’t know how to explain it, Choi, I just… there are times when you want to feel something, to be someone else, it was good it made me feel fucking good for a few hours but that was it, didn’t do it again, didn’t do shit in these pasts days just lied here, happy?”

If there’s something Youngjae isn’t right now this thing is happy, “how are you feeling now? Are you feeling something?” Jaebum rolls his eyes as if he is already done with this talk.

“I don’t know, alright? I’m happy you’re here, but you’ll leave soon so it doesn’t matter,”

“You should have called me, I won’t tell you what you can and can’t do, but if you need someone, if you need something you should call me, I guess I should be good for it at least, right?” The truth is that Youngjae wants to tell Jaebum what he can and can’t do, he would stop him from doing drugs right away but he knows it won’t work, he knows Jaebum will just get defensive with him and shut him out, it’s so easy for him to do that so Youngjae has to be smarter. “Maybe when you’re having bad days you can call me over and I can help you not feel lonely, what about that?”

“It’s not like you can come over whenever I want you to, or else you would be always here,”

“I can try, can’t I? You just call me, I’ll try my best to be here,” Jaebum looks at him, his eyes don’t shine but there’s something there.

“What if I get addicted to you? How will it be,” he traces Youngjae’s lips with his thumb slowly, the younger boy kisses it lightly eyes never leaving Jaebum’s.

“I don’t think that would be a problem,” Youngjae leans in so he can kiss Jaebum again, it’s obvious that his boyfriend is going through something and that he isn’t ready to talk about it, Youngjae can deal with it, he can support Jaebum without having to make questions, he can be there for him and he will, it doesn’t matter what he has to do to make it work, he will do whatever it takes. “Hey, let’s go to your room so I can take you out of these clothes,”

“Wow, Choi, you’re really surprising today huh,”

“Don’t be idiot, you smell I just want you to take a shower,” Jaebum complains a little saying he just wants attention and not to be rushed to shower but that’s exactly what happens. Youngjae waits for him while he showers, he lies on Jaebum’s bed thinking about what he should do here. He thinks just how weird Jaebum has been acting, it’s like he isolates himself from time to time, even if he talks to Youngjae it’s like he is not there, and now doing drugs because he is after something, after a special feeling… it makes the boy really worried, he knows this is how people get deadly addicted to heavy shit like that.

He is distracted thinking about a plan of action when Jaebum returns to the room naked, all he has is a towel around his waist, “huh, do you need me to leave so you can dress up?”

“No, I never need you to leave, like ever,” Jaebum is shameless, everyone knows that, so Youngjae isn’t so surprised when he lies his body over him, his hair dripping water on Youngjae’s face.

“I can feel you dick rubbing against my stomach, y’know,”

“Yeah,” Jaebum smiles capturing his lips in a rushed kiss, he is in a better mood than before, the shower getting him a little more awake. Since their fight over the whole ‘turning back’ thing they haven’t been intimate but it’s not like they have been holding back either, Jaebum does a lot of gripping whenever he can, and things are easier somehow, Youngjae doesn’t feel dirty because of it, he doesn’t feel disgusted by his thoughts anymore, so it’s all good. “I don’t want you to leave…” he says kissing him a little more, “it’s so pathetic, I never want you to leave.”

“When was the last time you ate something?” Youngjae asks breathlessly when Jaebum finally lets him breathe, hands still running over his wet strong back.

“How is this related to anything I’m saying here?”

“Just answer the question, _babe.”_ He knows exactly how to play Jaebum, and it shows by the light blush the other boy sports on his cheeks.

“I don’t know, few days ago,” Jaebum tries to go to another kiss but Youngjae turns his face, “come on, I wasn’t hungry, it’s not a big deal,”

“You’re so irresponsible, Jaebum! You don’t go days without eating just because you weren’t hungry enough! You have to eat to keep yourself alive and functioning,” Youngjae pushes him off him, “I will make you dinner, come on,”

“Don’t you have to leave?”

“Yeah, but I got priorities, so just dress and show me to the kitchen, you’ll eat some quality ramen tonight,” for the first time since he got here Youngjae sees Jaebum’s beautiful smile, he finally looks happy, as if Youngjae not going to church and staying here to take care of him is the best thing that could happen to him. It’s not good for Youngjae though, he knows he is risking getting caught yet again but it’s not like he can let the boy he likes in this condition by himself.

Youngjae usually doesn’t cook, his mother does all this kind of work at home, Jaebum soon finds out about it, “ain’t I doing all the hard work here?” He complains while he gets the shrimp ready for the pan. Youngjae smiles widely at him from the spot where he prepares iced tea for them.

“Not my fault that you’re a better cooker,” he pouts at his boyfriend, “make me the best seafood ramen I’ve ever had, please, Jaebum babe.”

“You’re so childish and predictable, I knew you would act exactly like that,”

“You like it so it’s a win-win,” Youngjae smiles at him again, they’ve been doing a lot of smiles tonight, Jaebum is the one cooking the most because he is really better at it, but Youngjae helps him since he was the one supposed to take care of the other, the thing is that even if he’s working hard Jaebum has a smile on his face again and it makes Youngjae the happiest he could be. He feels so much better than he thought he would feel this night, much more comfortable here than he would ever feel at the church at this point.

They are just waiting for everything to be ready while Youngjae fixes most of the mess they did in the kitchen, Jaebum hugging his back not saying anything just sniffs at his neck, when he remembers something important, “oh, do you know where I was just before I got here?”

“School?” Jaebum asks not taking his head away from his neck, words mumbled on his skin.

“Yeah, school, but after that I went to a diner with Bammie and Yugy, we had milkshakes,” Jaebum humms, Youngjae is a little nervous about telling him, maybe this is make Jaebum realize he is really serious about this and he doesn’t even know if this is a good thing or not, but he is serious so might as well figure out exactly where they stand. “I told you Bambam already knew about us, now Yugyeom knows too, I told him and everything is alright, he is fine about it… he likes you, I guess. When I tell Jihyo everyone who matters to me will know we are together,”

“Why?”

“Why what?” They’ve been here at this point just an hour or so ago, but now Youngjae is the one who can’t understand what Jaebum is confused about.

“Why did you tell them and why will you tell your sister?”

“Because they matter to me and because _you_ matter to me, so since I want it since I want it for real, there’s no reason for me not to tell them,” Youngjae says when he is done with the dishes turning around so he can circle Jaebum with his arms as well, he kisses the other boy’s forehead and then his lips, they don’t have to say much after it. He thinks Jaebum gets it now, he gets that Youngjae won’t give up on them just because of his insecurities, because of his fears, at least Youngjae hopes he does, he hopes he’ll feel safe with him from now on.

The food is so good, they eat everything, although Jaebum said he wasn’t hungry he ate so much he had to undo his pants and then proceeded to eat even more. The tea isn’t as good but they make it do, Jaebum pretends it’s the best drink ever earning a slap from Youngjae even if he doesn’t deserve it. They don’t see Mrs. Im the entire time he is there, it’s not like they cooked enough for her, they really didn’t, but since she’s home Youngjae thought he would see her around but no, it’s like they are by themselves, so probably like Jaebum was by himself before he got here and how it’ll feel when he leaves.

“What will you do after I go home? I have to go soon, y’know,”

“Yeah, I know, Choi.” Jaebum’s face gets dark, but not because he is angry at his boyfriend, he is probably just thinking the same thing Youngjae is thinking about.

“I--” bad decision, don’t do that, the voice at the back of his brain yells at him, “wanna go home with me? You can sneak in... while I talk to my parents you can climb up to my room, you can spend the night,” Youngjae blushes even though they won’t do anything tonight, Jaebum is too noisy for it, the only reason he wants Jaebum there is to not let the boy alone.

“I’m not a baby so you don’t have to baby me, remember? I can be left alone for a few hours, won’t run to a drug spot while you sleep, Choi, don’t worry,” so he gets up to put everything on the sink saying they don’t have to do the dishes because Margareth will do it later so Youngjae can leave already in order to not get in trouble.

“It was part of the deal, y’know? You letting me take care of you was part of the deal and anyways I want you to be there with me tonight, so please will you come? Don’t make me beg, Jaebum.”

Jaebum sighs, he wants to go, anyone can see that but obviously something is stopping him from jumping right into it, “I want to make you beg in other ways,” he smiles kissing Youngjae on the lips with more heat than the occasion asks for, the kiss soon escalating to them just moaning into each other’s mouth right at the kitchen’s balcony where Jaebum places Youngae at.

“Jaebum-- I have to go, will you come with me? Please, I want you there with me,” kissing Jaebum’s neck he licks at it making the boy above him hold him tighter, “on my bed… I want you there, Jaebum.”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s go there yeah,” but they kiss for another five minutes till Youngjae realizes he is past half-hard-on this stupid kitchen where Jaebum’s mother can walk on them at any moment and that he is most likely late, he needs to get home before his father decides he is taking too long out and goes after him.

They walk to Youngjae’s house but it isn’t so bad since the streets are already dark, either way he thinks people would talk about Jaebum hanging out with a loser and not him hanging with Jaebum, no one knows him, they probably don’t even know his name that’s why he isn’t so worried. When Jaebum makes him laugh loudly on the dark streets lifting him for a few seconds he has a moment to worry that maybe they’re being too reckless, maybe everything he did today was too reckless, but the thought leaves him as soon as Jaebum holds his hand telling him that it’s alright and that there’s no one around. He’ll think about how close they are walking together later, for now he can enjoy it.

At his house, Youngjae notices something is off, “climb in, but hide there, yeah? I’ll be quick promise,” Jaebum tries to peck him on the lips but Youngjae is already pushing him towards his window. As soon as he opens the door he feels his heart going all the way up to his mouth, Anna’s at the living room talking to his parents, everyone’s looking so serious maybe Youngjae can leave without them noticing.

“Youngjae! I was starting to worry about you, sweetheart,”

“Anna-- I--” he doesn’t know what to say, his hand white from how hard he’s still holding on the doorknob, tears filling his eyes quickly because he can’t move, he can’t breathe.

“Close the door, you want the entire house to freeze?” His father doesn’t look too angry, obviously Anna said something but it wasn’t enough to make him beat Youngjae right here in front of her, so probably nothing so serious. Noticing his fear Anna walks to him closing the door making the boy let go of it and guiding him to the couch to sit next to her.

“As I was telling your parents I didn’t give you a ride back home because coming here was something I decided after I already left, I feel bad you had to walk on the cold all the way home,” her eyes are gentle, and is she lying to protect Youngjae? Then why is she here for? He just nods his head, telling her that there’s no problem, how can he complain about not getting a ride from church when he wasn’t even at church.

“You don’t have to look so pale, the thing is that-”

“I’ll do the talking, Kwang. The thing here, son, is that Anna noticed something we noticed as well so she came talk to us. After everything you sister did we wanted to make sure you wouldn’t feel like her so we wouldn’t have the same trouble twice, but it doesn’t seem to be working, letting you be isn’t working, is it?”

“What-”

“Don’t interrupt me! You’re spending a lot of time with your friends, having more freedom than we ever gave you but instead of fixing things everything is getting worse, we need you to get closer to god, like you used to be, your attitudes… they are not like before. So from now on you will be part of the bible study every Saturday--”

Youngjae gets to his feet shaking his head as hard as he can, “no mom, I can’t, I have school to focus on, I already spend too much time at church and--”

“Too much time at church?” His father gets to his feet as well so he can stand in front of Youngjae making the boy feel small even if they are the same height, “there’s no such thing as too much time at church, you need to be the man we raised you to be, sleeping out to play video games won’t do it. You’ll be going to bible study and you will help Anna with all the church events, what are you good for if it’s not to help on God's work?”

“But dad--” before he can say anything his father is squeezing his arms.

“No ‘but’s, you’re under our roof, you eat our food and live off our money, as long as you are our kid you will do as we say.”

Anna says something to his mother which makes the woman get to her husband’s side trying to calm him down, “you might be overreacting, Kwang. Youngjae knows his obligations with us and with the church, he is just being a teenager which is normal. But you understand you’re going to do what we tell you to do, don’t you Youngjae?”

He looks at Anna, she looks scared, maybe this is not what she was expecting to see here, not how she thought it would go, “no, I won’t, I have school, I don’t have time for this bulshit,” Youngjae knows exactly what is coming, he can’t say things like that at home or to his parents, he does it so Anna will see exactly what he lives with. His father slaps his face hard, Youngjae feels the bitter metallic taste of blood on his mouth at the same time he hears Anna gasp pulling him towards her.

“You don’t have a say on it, you’re _my son, my family,_ I won’t ever be so ashamed of you as I’m right now, hear me? Having your mentor come to our house to tell us how you’re slacking off, how much of an embarrassment can you and your sister be to this family?” He doesn’t seem to care that Anna is watching and hearing everything he says, this doesn’t seem to embarrass him at all, “you’re also going to work with me at the shop starting Monday, you’re a man, you have to start behaving like one.”

His father walks to the kitchen, Youngjae can’t see it but he hears it, he has his eyes on the floor, being hit in front of someone who is not his sister or his mother is so humiliating, he didn’t think he would care about something so silly but he feels so small in front of Anna, he doesn’t want her to pity him, he wants her to do something but he knows she won’t. All she does is ask for his mother for some tea, it’s obvious that she wants to be alone with Youngjae but his mother doesn’t seem to mind going to the kitchen as well.

Anna tries to comfort him by rubbing his arms with her tiny delicate hands, “I didn’t want to get you in trouble, sweetheart. I was just worried about you, you skipped practice today and they didn’t know about it. Where were you, Youngjae?” Not getting any answer she sighs lifting his head so he can look at her, “I don’t lie, son, but I did so things wouldn’t be worse than they already were, but I worry about you… about your future with god, you can’t let whatever is it that is getting you out of God's way mess with your faith, I’ll help you, but you need to try as well.”

“I didn’t ask for your help,” the words are harsher than he intended them to be, is not at her that he is angry but now he won’t take them back, he doesn’t want to, “have you ever thought that maybe there’s nothing messing with my faith? Maybe I have my own voice and my own thoughts, so _I_ am the one who is tired of all this, who wants to live my own life.”

“This is… normal at your age,” Anna says clearly uncomfortable, “to have doubts but I won’t let you do what Jihyo did, you’ll continue on your right path, I’ll make sure of that, understood?”

She says it with such a sweet voice, Youngjae doesn’t know why it makes him so scared of her, they don’t say anything anymore because his mother comes back with the tea, after Anna leaves his mother lets him know just how ashamed she is of him as well, how she wished God wouldn’t let her suffer like that and that it was better if she couldn’t have kids. Youngjae pretends it doesn’t hurt him as much as it does, when he goes to his room he lies on his bed all but forgetting that Jaebum was there waiting for him.

Jaebum comes out of the closet making Youngjae cringe, he hates that he was hidden there, he locks the door for Youngjae, “why you took so long, were you having dinner again?” His playful voice makes something ache inside Youngjae, he goes to his boyfriend hugging him, some tears wetting the boy’s shirt making him go tense. “Hey, hey-- Baby, what’s wrong? What happened? Hey, look at me,” Jaebum forces him to look up seeing the mark his father left on his cheek and how his mouth seem to be hurt.

“It’s-- I-”

“What the hell is this? Who did this to you? Fuck, I’m going to fucking kill--” Jaebum’s voice is too loud if his parents are upstairs as well they will hear them, Youngjae cover his mouth with his hand as fast as he can.

“Be quiet! We can’t hang out here if you’ll be so noisy everytime!” He knows he can’t distract Jaebum but he tries anyways, “listen-”

“Tell me your parents didn’t do it to you, huh? Tell me, Choi, you have two seconds to say it or else I won’t care I will go down there and I’ll fucking kill both of them, I’ll-- tell me who did this to you, right now,” his voice is low again and somehow it gets even more serious like that.

Youngjae can’t have Jaebum leaving this room to do anything with his parents, even if it’s just to yell at them, “stop it! Jaebum-- it was nothing, he just--”

“He, huh? He’s dead, Choi.” Jaebum fucking gets the door open but before he can get out the door Youngjae slams it shut again locking it and getting the key. “What the hell, Choi? He does this to you and you expect me to sit here and pretend nothing happened? I will fucking kill him! So give me the goddamn key right now,”

“Jaebum, please,” the only person that ever defended Youngjae in his life was Jihyo but she never succeeded on it, she would just end up being even more beaten up than him, “I talked back and then-”

“You talked back? Big fucking deal, he can’t--”

“Won’t you just stay here and take care of me, please,” he is not even trying to get Jaebum to do what he wants by pouting or anything, he really just wants to be taken care of, for once he wants someone to be soft to _him._ “The things he does, I’ll deal with them, we can deal with them later, for now can’t you just be here with me? Be here for me? Jaebum, I need you--”

Jaebum looks angry just like before, his face doesn’t soft not even a little, if anything he looks even more determined, but he traces the finger marks on Youngjae’s cheek softly kissing at the mole on the other side of his face. “Remember that talk about giving you the things you wanted? Let’s make it the things you need, the things you need, Choi, I’ll give them all to you, you’re mine to take care of now. No one will ever touch you again, because you’re mine, yeah?”

Youngjae never felt like he belonged to himself, he always belonged to his parents, to god and to his faith, he wanted to be free to be himself, to not be someone’s else, the prospect of being Jaebum’s should scare him, it should but it doesn’t. He wants this, someone to love and to take care of him, to make of him their number one priority, Youngjae can be his own person even if he belongs to Jaebum now, because Jaebum won’t hurt him, he won’t ever hurt him.

“Jaebum--” his whispers on the other boy’s ear, “do you love me?” Jaebum squeezes their bodies closer together maybe he is scared of Youngjae looking him in the eyes. “Because, I--”

“Yes, Choi. I do, I love you more than I have ever loved anything or anyone in my life, and this shit scares me so fucking much but--” his voice sounds wet, Youngjae hopes he isn’t crying even if he’s the one crying on the other boy’s shoulder, “I was not supposed to fall for you like that, I just wanted to have-- god, I just wanted you, but now I fucking _need_ you, I love you and I won’t let you get away. Everyone leaves, they always do, but you won’t leave me, I trust you, you won’t leave me and I won’t leave you, ever.”

At that Youngjae sobs, it startles the both of them making him smile through tears, “it’s you and I, _Im.”_ They detangle themselves so he can finally look at Jaebum and say what he wants to say to him so badly, “I won’t leave because I _can’t_ leave, you’re in me, inside me, no matter how cheesy it sounds, we are intertwined, there’s no you and there’s no me, there’s us. I’m yours and you’re mine all the way. And we’ll be together, together or not at all.”

“Did you just quoted Doctor Who on me?”

“And how do you know it, you nerd?” But he blushes, he blushes so hard Jaebum coos at him, kissing every inch of his face with so much care, kissing at Youngjae’s wound on the corner of his lips. He is treating Youngjae with so much care now, he always does but at the moment every touch is like Youngjae is fragile, as if he can’t be too rough or he will end up breaking the other boy which is probably not too far from the truth.

Youngjae never felt so comfortable with Jaebum as he feels right now, the things have been good between them since the boys’ night and no matter what they did and said to each other before they have never been this close to each other before. Jaebum holds his face taking him to his bed placing him there hovering over him taking off his shirt as they go. “Jaebum,”

“Hum?” The kisses never get too heated, Jaebum obviously being cautious with him, his hands though are warm under his shirt, he doesn’t try to take it off as well but he lets his hands explore everything.

“There’s nothing between us,” Youngjae captures his lips on his kissing him with more intent, it hurts and he can still feel blood on his mouth but it doesn’t matter right now, Jaebum doesn’t mind either so they kiss while he is pressed to the bed feeling so warm and so protected. “I mean… nothing will stop me anymore because-- I have no doubts about this, about us,” he takes one of Jaebum’s hands so he can kiss the top of it, “it means you can look at it now, you can do whatever you want really,”

Jaebum wiggles his eyebrows at him making the boy laugh softly, “whatever I want might be a little too much for now, but we can…” he doesn’t say anything after it, maybe he doesn’t know what or how to say what he wants, Youngjae knows they’ve done way more talking about their feelings than ever before, it might be too much so if Jaebum is more comfortable with showing what he wants than saying it so be it, it’s not like he has a problem with it. This time Jaebum isn’t so cautious he kisses Youngjae’s mouth with abandon, till his mouth starts going numb and then he is biting at it getting low moans as a reward.

“We have to be quiet,” Youngjae reminds himself as well, pulling Jaebum down by his hair so he can suck a few marks on his neck, he wants people to see it, they can’t see the marks he carries but these ones they’ll be able to see and he wants to make them as pretty as he can, Jaebum seems to like it by the way he is rocking his hips down on his thigh. It doesn’t take too long for them to strip to just their underwear, Youngjae gave consent for Jaebum to do whatever he wanted but he still looks unsure.

“What do you want, baby?” Youngjae blushes like a tomato at it, he wasn’t expecting to be asked anything so he just shakes his head trying to hide it on Jaebum’s neck without success, “no, look at me, tell me what you want, how do you want me to make you feel, baby. Anything, you want,”

“I--” it’s not like he doesn’t know how these things go, because he knows, he knows quite well but it’s just so embarrassing, no matter how many times he fantasized about Jaebum on top of him, how many times he dreamed about having sex with him after he saw him jerking off at the beach house, it just doesn’t matter because being here, having to say it is completely different. “I-- can’t you decided? I’m-- give me whatever you want to give me, Jaebum,” he pleads.

“Alright, what I want is to make you scream under me but it will have to wait… for now be quiet for me, I’ll take care of you,” with that he does take care of Youngjae, he kisses his stomach paying special attention to the lower part of it, nipping at his navel, his hands worshipping all the extent of his torso. “No one will ever hurt you again, baby, no one will ever touch your body again if you don’t want them to. I promise, baby, no one will ever touch my boy again,”

In just one move Jaebum lowers Youngjae’s underwear, the younger boy gasps when he looks down, Jaebum’s face just so close to his dick, the moonlight being their only source of light, it’s something he never imagined he would see or that it would be so beautiful, it’s so, so beautiful, it’s ethereal.

“So beautiful,” Youngjae has to bite down on his wrist at the praise, then when Jaebum starts giving tiny kisses to his inner thighs he has to bite even harder, it will bruise tomorrow but now he can’t even feel it, all he feels is how soft Jaebum’s lips are, how his head is moving between his legs, he didn’t know something like that could be this erotic. “Here, let me-- place your legs on my shoulders, baby,”

Nodding his head Youngjae tries to but he’s too weak right now, his legs are shaking and Jaebum has to help him, so now he has his legs open for Jaebum resting them on his wide shoulders, he keeps one hand at his mouth while the one is used to hold on Jaebum’s hair, he tries to be gentle at first but it doesn’t last for long.

“Ah! This will be over embarrassingly fast if you--” his warn dies on his tongue when Jaebum’s tongue finds its way to his slit, licking it slowly, “oh fuck, if you do that-- fuck, Jaebum,”

“Shush,” Jaebum’s voice is low and dangerous making the boy under him moan again, he is trying so hard to be quiet but it’s just too much, too much when Jaebum goes down again this time licking at his length as well, “if you stay quiet… if you’re good… I’ll give you everything, baby,”

“You’ll give me anything anyways, Jaebum,” he tries to smirk but Jaebum makes it clear who is the one in control here, he jerks Youngjae slowly while he sucks one of his balls inside his mouth, it’s so slow he almost yells but Jaebum told him to be quiet, he will be quiet, as quiet as the other needs him to. After Youngjae’s dick is completely wet with saliva and precum and he thinks it can’t get any better it does, it gets extremely better.

Jaebum sucks at the dick tip as if his life depends on it, he doesn’t get a lot inside just the tip but the way his tongue works it is insane, “look at me,” not even realizing he has his eyes closed Youngjae looks down but he wishes he hadn’t, he won’t last much more, the heat in his lower stomach becoming painful already. “Watch it, baby, watch just how perfectly I can take you in,” Youngjae doesn’t have a second to understand what the words mean before Jaebum is swallowing him down on just one go, his hands pressing Youngjae’s hips down while his warm mouth takes him in. His movements are slow to give Youngjae time to get used to the feeling, not that he thinks he can ever get used to something as pleasurable as this.

“Please, Jaebum-- please, I need to--” Jaebum hums with his dick all the way down to his throat, Youngjae bites at his wrists so hard he can taste blood again. Then Jaebum is speeding up his pace, his head bobbing up and down quickly while he massages Youngjae’s ass squeezing it and taking it off the bed, holding the boy as much as he can. No one looks beautiful with a dick on their mouth, at least that’s what Youngjae thought till this moment, no matter how naughty all of this is, Jaebum looks magical, the most beautiful person he has ever seen in his life. At the thought he snaps his hips up, thrusting quickly twice into Jaebum’s mouth without permission and coming soon after it.

He expected Jaebum to stop his ministrations and to scold him, but he doesn’t, he keeps bobbing his head maybe even with more intent than before till Youngjae begs him to stop pushing him by the hair, entire body shaking with the aftershocks. When Jaebum goes up again and kisses him Youngjae almost feels disgusted by the taste, it isn’t exactly bad, really it isn’t, it’s just the idea of it, but the other one seems to be so into it that he doesn’t care.

“I can-- I can reciprocate it,” Youngjae says between kisses feeling Jaebum’s hard-on against his skin.

“Maybe another time, now your mouth is hurt it wouldn’t be enjoyable for you, baby,”

“Is it enjoyable for both people?” He didn’t think it could be, how can it be good to the person almost choking on someone else’s dick?

“Can’t you feel just how enjoyable it was for me?” Jaebum makes a point of it when he rocks his hips down on Youngjae, harder than before. He wishes he could be hard again, not that this will be a problem for him for much longer.

“Can I jerk you off this time then? Please last time… last time I wanted to touch you so bad but I couldn’t--”

“Fuck yes, you can, you always could, you can touch me, you can--” he seems to be out of his mind when he lies on his side next to Youngjae, they kiss again so Jaebum can let his hands run all over Youngjae again, he seem to be addicted to it, “so soft, so fucking--” taking Jaebum by surprise he lets his hand inside his underwear feeling how hot and hard he is.

“I might not be too good at it, I don’t know how--”

“Just don’t overthink it, baby, it’s just a dick, you know what to do-- I just really need you to get me off, yeah?” Ok, not the time to be self-conscious about his sexual abilities which he doesn’t have, because this he can do, at least this.

Taking off the underwear completely off his body Youngjae licks at his hands, he wishes he had the lube Jaebum used the other day but he doesn’t, his spit will have to do for now. When he touches his dick again Jaebum cries out burying his face on his chest, he bites at the flesh there and it hurts, it hurts like a bitch but Youngjae lets him. Soon he notices Jaebum likes it fast instead of slow, he likes it tight and with a good pressure on the strokes.

Youngjae is so amazed by the sight in front of him he can’t look at anything else, everytime Jaebum leaks he moans a little just by watching it, he’ll be hard again in no time but for now he focus on Jaebum’s pleasure, kissing and biting at his earlobe while his hand stroke him steadily and fast. “Babe… I didn’t get a chance to say it before, but… I do too… I love you, Im Jaebum, the main reason why I’m never leaving is because I love you.” He almost can’t get the words out panting too much and being too surprised by Jaebum’s hot cum making the slide impossible wet, they moan together, Jaebum moaning his name on his ear which is the hottest thing on the planet, he wants to hear his name like this, on Jaebum’s voice for the rest of his life.

After it Youngjae has to cum again, Jaebum helps him out because why wouldn’t he, they clean up and lie together on Youngjae’s bed, there’s a lot of space in it but their bodies are glued together, he draws heart patterns on Jaebum’s ribs with his fingertips, “I don’t feel safe here, Jaebum.” Youngjae is happy Jaebum is here with him, he feels safe on his embrace, safe with him no matter where, but being here, having sex here makes something twist in his stomach, he doesn’t know why he shares it but it seems right, telling him about everything now seems right.

“You won’t have to feel like that for much longer,” Jaebum assures him kissing the top of his head while they watch the full moon together.

“Because it’s you and me from now on, right? You won’t shut me off anymore… It will be just the two of us, right?” Agreeing to it Jaebum kisses him before they can fall asleep, it doesn’t feel safe in this bed but it does in his arms. Youngjae thinks things can be fine if they have each other, if they trust each other like they seem to do now. It will be Jaebum and him till the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- idk it this feel too rushed or too slow it doesn't matter like rgjhjnds don't tell me aaa im already too self conscious about it, that's the reason i was struggling so much so :////// this is the best i can do lol  
> \- I could also call this chapter 'reckless teenager boys being reckless teenager boys'  
> \- i hope everyone enjoys it i worked hard on it all day long im going to bed at 8pm lol so tired so plssssss enjoy it bc i for once did :)  
> \- thx everyone who's still reading it etc <333 love love <3333


	15. his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @jieqiong the racing scene is totally dedicated to u i hope it's good enough!!  
> everyone plss enjoy it have a good reading <3

“Can I roll the window down?” Youngjae’s voice is too bright considering the situation he is, it would be more likely for him to be scared but tonight it’s different.

“The wind kind of-- aren’t you scared?” Jaebum looks at him quickly and Youngjae shakes his head, the glint in his eyes making it even more obvious. “Ok, roll it down, baby.” He doesn’t roll it all the way down, just enough so he can feel the cool wind blowing his hair, Youngjae tries to get his head a little out of the car without taking the seat belt off. “Hey, be careful, you can’t fly here, Rose.”

Making a face at him Youngjae sits down again, but his hand still out of the window feeling just how fast they are, Jaebum looks pretty pleased with the situation beside him. Tonight it’s different because he isn’t driving like a crazy person, he isn’t almost killing people in the streets, Jaebum looks happy but not the usual look of happiness he gets when he is driving, it’s lighter this time around, he seems to be enjoying it instead of thirsty for it, it’s not like his life depends on it. So for once Youngjae isn’t scared, he is excited too, the boy feels alive and free like he never did before, he even yells some teasing curses when they overtake one of the cars.

Youngjae can see Mark’s car in front of them, he’s not much faster than them but he’s being way more reckless than Jaebum tonight that’s for sure. “He drives like a lunatic,”

“Yeah... kinda…” Jaebum says smiling at him, looking fond and soft, Youngjae can’t help but smile back at him. Jaebum doesn’t win because Mark seems to want it way more than him, they come in second place, there were just three cars on the race and Youngjae doesn’t think it was bad. “Upset we lost?”

“No, not at all. I’m very happy we lost actually,” Youngjae says when Jaebum parks the car beside some other cars in some kind of parking lot, there isn’t a lot of people here tonight but the city is bigger than it usually is, so it makes things easier, at least it seems so be easier to Youngjae.

“You’re happy we lost? Do you have any idea how much teasing I’ll have to endure because of it? Mark hasn’t beaten me in forever… or maybe you were on his side all along, just playing me...” he pouts at Youngjae so the boy leans in kissing him, just a peck in the lips, hands running through his hair.

“Yeah, sure, that’s the cruel reality…” kissing him again for good measure, he whispers, “why did you let him win though?” It’s obvious that he did, Mark drives like a lunatic yeah but so does Jaebum, the last time they were in a race Youngjae thought he would die or that they would kill other people, this time it was just fun, just the wind and the loud noise of the cars. Mark is a good racer but Youngjae knows Jaebum is better.

The comment seems to make Jaebum pleased with himself, “it’s good that you know I could have won if I wanted to, but you’re happier like this, aren’t you?”

“So you came second because of me?” Youngjae asks but he knows that was probably the real reason, Jaebum didn’t want him to feel scared so he drove in a way that wouldn’t get them killed or that at least wouldn’t give Youngjae a heart attack. “I think you deserve a big reward for this,” he says kissing him again trying to move his body so he can sit on Jaebum’s lap, is not the most comfortable and spacious seat in the car, the wheel getting on his way so Jaebum helps him placing him exactly where he wants to be.

“Will you give me your _big_ reward?” Wiggling his brows like the idiot he is Jaebum squeezes Youngjae’s ass making the boy press his body even closer to his.

“Can people see us through these windows?” He asks ignoring his boyfriend’s antics.

“No, they can’t, it’s just us here, baby,” Jaebum assures him not wasting more time capturing his lips on a heated kiss, it’s hot in the car with their bodies being so close to each other and Jaebum’s hands all over him. He kisses Youngjae as if he wants to devour him, to feel and to taste everything he can, his tongue is so hot, Youngjae bites at his bottom lip not too hard but not too softly either, he wants the other to feel it as well.

One of Jaebum’s hands go to his hips pressing Youngjae’s groin to his own so the boy can feel how he is hardening up under him make both of them moan into each other’s mouths. Youngjae never felt like that, he never felt like he needed someone this bad, he’s kissing Jaebum letting his tongue explore everything, feeling just how perfect it all is, “more, Jaebum-- give me more,” and Jaebum gives it to him, his hands hovering under his shirt and jacket, Youngjae hisses a little, for some reason it hurts, but he can’t really remember why would it hurt or why he shouldn’t be doing this.

“Let’s take these off,” Jaebum says pulling at Youngjae’s leather jacket, he is too distracted by Jaebum’s warm mouth licking and sucking at his throat to say anything just letting him do whatever he wants. When his jacket is finally off he tries to kiss Jaebum again, he needs it, he is starting to get desperate, all the blood of his body running to his dick making it impossible for him to think of anything that is not Jaebum’s body. “What are those, baby?” Jaebum’s voice is a soft as it usually is when he is talking to Youngjae, but it’s serious too, the boy looks down at himself so he can see what Jaebum is talking about.

On his right arm just where his sleeve ends there’s a huge bruise, right, so that was the main reason why he was wearing this particular jacket tonight, how could Youngjae forget about something so important? He tries to get off Jaebum but the other boy holds him in place, strong hands holding at his sides making Youngae cringe, it hurts, it hurts a lot and now that he is aware of what is happening it seems to hurt even more. Jaebum looks terrified, as if he is scared of what is under Youngjae’s shirt.

“Take it off, let me see it,”

“There’s nothing-- can we just not do this here? Please--” but it’s useless and he knows it.

“Let me see it! Now! Let me see it right now, Choi,” so Youngjae lifts his shirt just enough to show his ribs but Jaebum won’t have it, he takes the shirt all the way off looking at every bruise there, his face morphing with horror at each one of them. Some are darker and some are fading already, but the ones on his ribs are the worst ones, they aren’t too big, but still pretty dark and the ones that hurt the most. “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“Why would I?” They fall in silence, when Jaebum seems to be done with all the looking he was doing Youngjae moves back to his seat, there’s no way they can still make out after this. He puts back on his shirt, the silence getting too much, too loud to be peaceful, “come on, don’t be mad at me because of something so stupid--”

“It’s not stupid! I’m not mad at you, Choi...” but he won’t look at Youngjae so he might as well be, “it’s just… why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s not like you tell me about everything that happens to you, y’know,”

“This is different! Goddamnit!” Jaebum yells at him, it was never like that, Jaebum doesn’t yell at him, not like he is mad at _him,_ not like that anyways. It startles him, looking at his pained face Jaebum sighs, “whatever, I’ll be right back,”

He leaves the car, slamming the door shut after him, Youngjae feels lonely then, not as lonely as he feels usually, a different kind of lonely, he was supposed to be with Jaebum tonight, not to be on his car by himself in a city he doesn’t even know the name or how to find anything in. He stays there hugging his knees for almost thirty minutes, he wanted to give Jaebum space if he wanted to, but enough is enough he thinks to himself, he won’t stay here the whole night waiting like a pathetic idiot. So Youngjae leaves the car as well going on the direction he knows that there’s a lot of Jaebum’s friends, people are still racing, but most of them are drinking and talking loudly in small groups, they all are so happy, he doesn’t know if all the happiness is real but they seem to be having the time of their lives.

Youngjae sees Jaebum with four other people, of course Mark is there but he doesn't seem to be teasing him as Jaebum said he would, Jade is there as well and it makes Youngjae feel weird. He’s walking on their direction when someone pulls him by the arm, again making him hiss in pain, “what the fuck?” Jackson starts apologizing saying he didn’t put much force and that Youngjae must be really sensitive, “what’s with you pulling me by the arm? Can’t you just call my name?”

“Listen, sorry, alright? Just, let him be, yeah? I can give you a ride home if you need,” Jackson offers.

“Give me a ride-- what? I’m not letting him be, no way in hell,” and really he isn’t, he doesn’t know what Jackson thinks he knows about them, but he doesn’t know anything, nothing at all.

“I just want to help, he took some stuff so maybe you shouldn’t--” but Youngjae has had enough, everything was going just fine and now Jaebum is off to take ‘some stuff’ while he leaves Youngjae alone in his car and all because something stupid happened to _him?_ It’s like he is blaming Youngjae for what happened and really he won’t take any of this. He pushes Jackson off him, walking as fast as he can, Jackson walks closely behind him. When Youngjae places himself in the middle of Jaebum and his friends, they all stop talking to stare at him.

“I think it’s time for us to go now,” his voice not loud but not weak either, he is talking to Jaebum and to him only.

“Jaebummie--” Mark starts but Jaebum has his eyes glued to Youngjae and to where Jackson stands behind him.

“Yeah, I think so. Talk to you later,” the last part is obviously directed to Mark, Jaebum pinches his nose and Youngjae takes his other hand on his own. It’s not like everyone here knows they are together now, but a lot of the people here don’t go to their school, the ones that go wouldn’t be crazy to say anything about them, at least that’s what Jaebum told him before. Yet he looks down at their interlocked fingers with a surprised expression on his face.

They don’t speak on their way to their hometown, Youngjae notices Jaebum is driving carelessly again, he keeps driving like they are in a race now and as if he needs to win, again Youngjae is scared but he won’t show it. Pretending to be cool about it, Youngjae mumbles at him, “so did Mark tease you a lot? You two seem close,”

It takes so long for Jaebum to reply he almost forgets what he spoke before, “we were very close when we were children, his parents were close friends with my grandparents,”

“Huh,” Jaebum almost never gives information about his grandparents, he tells stories about his mother and sometimes even about his father, but the only two people he really seemed to love are never brought up. So he doesn’t press it, he just speaks again when they are already close to his own house, “don’t-- don’t drive me home, I’m spending the night at yours,”

“What about your bible study thing tomorrow morning?”

“Do you think you can drive me home early? If you can I can make it in time just fine,” Jaebum nods at him, he is always excited when they can spend the night together, but right now he doesn’t seem to care about it that much, or about anything really.

When they get to Jaebum’s house the lights are still on, Youngjae doesn’t think much of that till they get inside and he sees Mrs. Im and some other women drinking together in the living room. “Oh! My boy is home!” she says loudly clapping her hands together, she’s happy, happier than Youngjae has ever seen her, she is also drunk and so are the other women in the room, one of them tries to talk to Jaebum, all happy because he has grown so much since the last time she saw him but he doesn’t even acknowledge any of them going upstairs without saying anything to anyone.

“I didn’t know you got another one of them, Jieun, this one is so cute!” A small woman says getting close to Youngjae and pinching one of his cheeks, she’s obviously drunk so Youngjae won’t call her out on thinking he’s Jaebum’s brother just because they are both Asian.

“He is not-”

“Do not touch him,” Jaebum says coming downstairs again, Youngjae didn’t think he would come back, he thought they were going to sleep, but Jaebum seems more alert than ever, he’s carrying boxing gloves and it scares the small lady in front of Youngjae, “come on, Choi, let these old rags enjoy their alcohol.”

Jaebum walks to the house gym, Youngjae apologizing to the women for his boyfriend’s behaviour which they all, but his mother, seem to think it’s very cute, at the gym they have at the house Jaebum is already shirtless making Youngjae almost forget they are in a fight, kinda. He doesn’t know what he did for them to be in a fight. Jaebum doesn’t talk to him, even though he told him to come with him all he does is punch at the punching bag as if it offended him. All Youngjae does is watch it for the longest time, Jaebum is jumping, punching and kicking with so much energy, it’s probably because of the stuff Jackson said he took.

The sweat dripping from Jaebum’s chest starts to distract the boy a little, their making out session was interrupted by the dumb bruises before so Youngjae is a little frustrated. He walks up to Jaebum, the boy doesn’t even look at him at least not until Youngjae hugs his back close to his chest, hands around his waist, the sweat should disgust him but it doesn’t. When he drops a kiss to the side of Jaebum’s neck, just on the sensitive spot under his ear the other boy stops his punches altogether, letting Youngjae have his ways with him.

“Aren’t you mad at me?” Jaebum asks him when the kisses evolve to nipping, and Youngjae hands start playing with the hair at his navel. Youngjae thinks about the right answer here, but he all he got is the true, he should be sincere.

“I was mad you left me in the car, then I was mad you were with Mark and Jade, I was mad you did drugs and mad you weren’t talking to me on our way here, mad about how you were driving too. Yeah, I was pretty mad, I’m not anymore,”

“Am I forgiven just because I made you horny?” Jaebum turns so fast Youngjae almost falls on his back, the other boy holds him shoving his body into one of the equipment not too harshly mindful of his bruises, “that’s all what it takes, Choi?”

Youngjae feels Jaebum sweaty chest against his, getting his shirt all sweaty as well, he wants to protest but when Jaebum place his thigh between his legs he can’t do much but shakes his head ‘no’. “It’s-- it’s not,”

“What it is, then?” Jaebum is rubbing his groin over Youngjae’s leg, his eyes staring into the younger boy’s ones making his mouth go dry. “Tell me, _baby,”_

Youngjae can play at this game too, he takes Jaebum by his hair placing him where he wants, their foreheads touching, Jaebum’s hot breath over his lips, “Jaebum,”

“Huh?”

“You’re my man. Get it?” He can see the moment Jaebum hears these words leaving his mouth, his pupils dilating, breath coming quickly than before,  “I love you, you’re my man, that’s why I’m not mad anymore.”

“Yeah,” Jaebum says into his lips already leaning in to kiss his boyfriend, he doesn’t wait for permission shoving his tongue right into Youngjae’s mouth, using one of his hands on his face to help deepen it even more. Jaebum’s tongue is demanding, it demands space and it’s almost too much, Youngjae kisses him back as much as he can trying to show him just how much he means it, just how much he loves Jaebum. “You should have told me… you need to-- baby, you need to tell me when shit like that happens, I-”

“It doesn’t matter, Jaebum, there’s nothing we can do about it,” his voice is breathless but he can’t stop kissing Jaebum’s soft lips, they are so red and just so, so wet, Youngjae feels heat invading his whole body, “We still need to talk about what happened before… when you left me in the car, y’know.” Jaebum doesn’t seem happy with the idea, but he doesn’t say anything back, good, “you know what I want right now though… what I really need right now?” At Jaebum’s silence Youngjae whispers into his ear, “I need to be under you, Jaebum, I need you to press yourself over me-- to feel every part of your body, to--”

“Fuck,” it’s not that he is trying to distract Jaebum but if he was he would be doing a great job of it because before he can realize it Jaebum is taking Youngjae’s clothes off, almost tearing his white shirt apart, again he can see every bruise on Youngjae’s pale skin. He got them a week or so ago, they haven’t seen each other a lot these past days so Youngjae thought he was going to be able to hide them till they would fade completely. “Take your pants off for me, baby,”

He doesn’t blush as much as he used to do anymore, still hearing Jaebum giving him orders like that always make heat take over his entire face and chest. He stands there in his underwear and Jaebum points at the red math in the floor, “what? Do you-” Jaebum makes it obvious, yeah he wants Youngjae naked and lying there, “I don’t think this is very hygienic, y’know,”

Jaebum snorts but there’s nothing playful on his face instead there’s a dark and determined look there, “I’ll make you feel just like you want, baby boy, trust me, yeah?”

There’s nothing Youngjae can do after it, his legs are shaking and he has to support himself on the treadmill, taking off his underwear he looks down at the mat not knowing how is he supposed to be on it, he lies in his back not wanting to be so vulnerable when he doesn’t even know what Jaebum plans yet. Jaebum is staring at him, the more he stares the more Youngjae blushes, his dick is getting painfully hard already and Jaebum isn’t even naked yet, he gets closer to the mat still on his pants, “please, don’t--”

“Sh! I said I’d take care of you, yeah?” Jaebum takes a small packet of lube from his pocket, Youngjae wants to mock him say he was too hopeful for tonight, but no words leave his mouth when Jaebum takes off his pants in just one go and he isn’t even wearing anything under it. Youngjae groans helplessly, Jaebum’s dick slapping over his stomach and it shouldn’t be so erotic but it is, it’s so fucking erotic Youngjae wants to cry. He gets a hand around himself, but Jaebum falls to his knees beside him quickly beating it away, “no, _mine!_ I’ll take care of it tonight, understood?”

“Yeah, yeah, babe, you--” still holding his hand Jaebum kisses him placing both of his arms above his head, he’s still besides Youngjae so their bodies aren’t touching, the younger boy trying to get any friction romping into nothing, “please, Jaebum--”

“Keep your hands together and up for me, don’t move them or I will stop,” Youngjae whines but complies, he interlocks his finger together so he can squeeze them as tight as he needs to. Finally moving his body Jaebum places his legs in each side of Youngjae, their dicks touching, Youngjae tries to trust up his hips again but Jaebum’s heavy weight stops him, “I hate seeing those,”

At first he doesn’t know what the other boy is talking about but then he looks down at himself and feels the urge to cover his chest, “no, don’t move your arms, I told you to not move it,” Jaebum commands, leaning in so he can kiss over the bruises there, the room is terribly silent except from the noises that keep escaping Youngjae’s mouth at each kiss he receives. There are tears rolling down his face, tears Jaebum can’t see but can probably hear, he just feels something he can’t really name, Youngjae never felt loved, not quite like this, but the way Jaebum kisses him as if he is precious makes the boy sob, “sh, sh, baby, it’s fine, you’re beautiful, so beautiful,” his hands caress his sides, his ribs, going down till his hips.

The thing on Youngjae’s chest is starting to hurt, it’s not about the need to get off anymore, it’s not just because Jaebum is being incredibly gentle with him, is something else, something that makes Youngjae want to scream, when he opens his mouth all that he lets out is a low whisper though, “I-- I love you so much, do you--”

And all he gets back is a nod, Jaebum stares into his eyes and nods, leaning in and kissing him again, now they are both naked and their skins are touching everywhere, Jaebum is straddling him keeping his hips in place while their dicks slide together slightly, he holds Youngjae’s face moving his jawline as he pleases, Youngjae can hear some noise coming from the living room tensing instantly, “no one will walk here, I locked the door,” Jaebum assures him, but all Youngjae feels is a thrilling feeling that he is doing something he shouldn’t in a place they shouldn’t be doing it, he is not scared though. It’s not like it is at his house, it’s forbidden here too, but no one will hurt him for it.

“I’d do anything for you, Jaebum,” another tear falls and for his surprise Jaebum licks it making Youngjae laugh trying to push him away, “don’t be disgusting,”

“I will do anything for you too, remember that,” Jaebum goes back down kissing and sucking at his Adam’s apple, is incredibly pleasurable and Youngjae lets him know so. His moans are getting louder but Jaebum’s mouth is going down and down, he can’t help it, Jaebum drops a kiss to the tip of his dick and Youngjae thinks that that’s it, he will get a blowjob at the thought his dick stirs, but instead he proceeds to lick at his perineum.

“What the fuck… Jaebum, what the--” he can’t finish any of his thoughts though, Jaebum is licking at it, licking at his balls and sucking at them, no attention given to his dick at all, yet precum drips on his stomach, “can I…” he wants to hold on something, hold on Jaebum but he can’t, no without permission, he will have to think about this later, right now he just needs Jaebum to _give_ him permission. “Can I, hold onto you? Please, I’ll be good, promise,”

“Yeah, I’m all yours, baby boy,” Jaebum says making Youngjae’s eyes roll, he will feel ashamed of the noise he makes later, but not now. Now he holds at Jaebum’s black long hair, he doesn’t pull at it, but he knows he is holding tightly, Jaebum doesn’t say anything so he just keeps his hands there while the boy lowers his head even more, when he gets to the boy’s hole he fucking blows hot air over it, before Youngjae can say anything he is licking over it and blowing hot air again, it cools off quickly.

“Oh my god!” He almost yells in surprise.

“I’ll open you up nicely, baby,” Jaebum looks for any kind of protest or fear on his face not getting anything, it’s not that Youngjae isn’t scared but he knows Jaebum won’t do anything to hurt him and that he will stop if he asks him to. Also is not as if he wasn’t expecting for this, not as if he hasn’t been dreaming about this for a long time now. All Jaebum does at first is kiss and lick, Youngjae can’t imagine himself doing something like that, he thinks it can’t be very nice but Jaebum is passionate about it, using his hands to get Youngjae’s legs as far apart as he can.

When he thinks it can’t get any better or any weirder, Jaebum caresses his hole with his thumbs, Youngjae tries to look down but then Jaebum is shoving his face right between his legs again and letting the tip of his tongue _in._ “Fuck!” Youngjae does yell this time, they never can be loud at his own house, he shouldn’t be loud here when there’s a group of women in another room, but he can’t help it, Jaebum is fucking the tip of his tongue in and out of him and Youngjae has to let go of his hair so he can grip at the mat. His nails going deep into it while he curses loudly, Jaebum doesn’t seem fazed or bothered by his noises at all, instead he shoves even more of his tongue in, “I’m… I can’t! Jaebum, please touch me!”

“Am I not touching you, baby boy?” He asks without looking up just stopping for a bit in order to breathe deeply a couple of times, he knows exactly what Youngjae wants but he won’t give in, Jaebum opens the lube packet smashing its contents on two fingers, “tell me if it hurts too much. It shouldn’t though, you’re already so wet, so open for me, so inviting, aren’t you baby?”

Youngjae feels his face burning but mumbles a small ‘yes’, he is so embarrassed, he hopes they never talk about this, about how desperate he is at the moment. Jaebum’s tongue is back at his entrance, fucking into him with purpose, his index finger massaging it slowly beside his tongue, everything is so wet, the noises he is making down there are so naughty, when he fingers finally finds its way inside too it doesn’t hurt as much as he thought it would, Jaebum was right he was pretty much ready for it already, not too nervous, not tense and so, so wet.

Jaebum keeps fucking him both with his finger and his tongue, Youngjae has never been so close to lose his mind before, but at the same time has never been so aware of everything that is happening, he can feel everything, every knuckle, the saliva mixed with the lube, the way his tongue feels inside him, he is just so ready to come, but not quite there yet.

“Make me come, please, I need it, Jaebum!”

“Do you… do you think you can come just on my fingers?” Jaebum’s mouth area is all wet, his face is a mess, and it’s so hot, he lays his body over Youngjae’s kissing him before the boy can say anything, before he can protest against it. He thinks he would, but just for the sake of it, he would never deny Jaebum anything, while they kiss Jaebum’s finger goes back to his asshole entering without any resistance, they moan together Jaebum telling him just how good he is doing. Youngjae didn’t know he would like to be praised like that, but he does, very much, his skin is tingling, his arms hugging Jaebum’s shoulders so they can be just one.

When Jaebum adds another finger it hurts a little, but it only last for a few seconds, Jaebum is sucking at his tongue in order to distract him, he is fingering him slowly till he finds something inside Youngjae that makes the boy’s body spasm under him body going stupidly tense, clenching around his finger, “imagine how it will feel when it’s me, when it’s my cock inside you, baby boy… making you feel good, making you all mine,”

And Youngjae wants that he wants that so much, he opens his legs wider for him, Jaebum picking up his pace finding his prostate again and again, hitting it and sometimes stroking it lightly before picking up his pace again. He is moaning Jaebum’s name like a prayer, begging him for more, faster, _there, right there,_ he knows he is gone when Jaebum bites hard at the juncture of his shoulders. “Come for me,” he demands.

Youngjae does, he comes hard, his cum making a big mess between them, not that they care, they really don’t, he feels empty when Jaebum’s fingers leave him, he thinks about letting Jaebum fuck him, just like that, getting inside him and getting it done with already. But they talked about it, what they decided is that they would do it at the right moment, when he felt ready, not when they were horny not thinking right about things, he knows Jaebum would feel bad if they did anything now without having talked about it first, so he settles for something else.

“I came only with your fingers, do you think I can make you cum only with my mouth, Jaebum? Do you?” Youngjae licks his own lips, he knows Jaebum likes them, he made it clear a lot of times and right now he looks at it as if all he wants it split them apart with his dick. Youngjae knows exactly what he is doing to him when he rolls them so he is on top of the other boy now. He is still a little lightheaded because of the orgasm he just had, it was definitely the best one he ever had, things keep getting better and better every time they do it. So he feels more in control of it, he feels free to ask and to do whatever he pleases, not guilty anymore, at least not as much as he used to in the beginning.

He had sucked Jaebum off twice already, the first time it wasn’t that good, he gagged on it and he really didn’t think it was as enjoyable as Jaebum would make it look when he was the one doing the hard work. But the second time he had such a good time, Jaebum was begging under him and he felt just so powerful, he tasted amazing even if he couldn’t fit all of his length into his mouth, it was just so good, all he wanted was to do it again.

“I-- yeah, I can do it for you, baby,” he is lying there in all his glory, sweaty body waiting for Youngjae and really he can’t believe his luck, he can’t believe he gets to see Jaebum like that. They are looking at each other with stars on their eyes, Youngjae knows so because he can see it on Jaebum eyes and can feel it burning on his own, he doesn’t even remember why they were fighting, why he was so angry before.

He tells Jaebum just how beautiful he is and just how happy he is to be here with him, Jaebum isn’t too good with words, no matter if he is the one saying them or hearing them, he always blushes, always hides his face when he is being appreciated, when Youngjae is being too romantic, so he holds the other face in place and tells him again, staring right at his eyes, “the most beautiful boy, my boy,”

Jaebum is already begging then, he likes to be praised as well, Youngjae thinks about the list of things they have in common, that’s one of them, that’s for sure. They pretend they don’t, but all they want it to be everything to someone else, and they finally got it, found it on each other. Youngjae is biting at his nipple while he pinches at the other one with his fingertips, just harshly enough to make them hard, to make Jaebum cry out budging his hips up.

It’s all about pleasuring his boyfriend with his lips, so he kisses, licks and bites at every inch of skin, Jaebum is into it, telling him to go lower and sometimes to bite harder, so Youngjae does, he always obeys Jaebum, it doesn’t matter who is pleasuring who, he always listens to him. There’s a puddle of precum on his stomach, Youngjae licks it off while he draws circles on his hips with his fingers, at this point it’s impossible that no one heard them, Jaebum is being loud, way louder than Youngjae ever were, anyone would think he would be the quieter one, but no Jaebum is loud on his moans and begs.

When Youngjae is finally at the same level of his dick he strokes it a couple of times, trying to get it as wet as possible, “stop teasing, baby, just… come on…” Jaebum groans, Youngjae smiles trying to hide it on his shoulder.

“Alright, alright, no need to shout at me,” he lets the head of Jaebum’s dick inside his mouth, closing his lips around it letting the other boy feel just how warm and wet he is for him, Jaebum thrusts up a bit but not enough for it to be a problem, Youngjae keeps a firm grip on his length stroking him in a nice pace, one he knows Jaebum likes, still sucking at the tip, he lets his tongue circle it getting a few more inches inside his mouth.

It’s always surprising for him how it feels having someone else inside your mouth, the whole sex with a boy thing is still surprising for him really, because even though it all seem like too much, like madness, it isn’t, it’s good, it turns him on like nothing else, having Jaebum’s dick inside his mouth turns him on like nothing else. The hand holding his hips in place slides down to his inner thigh, his fingertips making Jaebum shiver, pleased with the reaction, he sucks harder at his dick getting more than half of it into his mouth, is more than he was able to in the first time, he explores Jaebum’s thigh till he gets to his balls, then he is able to play if it at the same time he strokes and sucks him off.

Jaebum is leaking a lot, making the slide even more perfect, Youngjae looks up and sees him already looking down, mouth wide open, eyes dazed, he moans around Jaebum overwhelmed by how good he looks, Jaebum thrusts up getting more of his dick inside Youngjae’s mouth, the boy does everything he can to let his mouth relax, it’s open so wide already, he looks at Jaebum nodding his head, he can’t really deepthroat him just yet but he can let Jaebum fuck into his mouth a little.

And he does, he fucks into Youngjae’s mouth holding into his hair so he can guide him, not letting him take more than he can in, Youngjae remembers how Jaebum made him feel earlier so he lets on finger go down to his hole as well, it isn’t wet so he can’t do much but he can massage it, it’s all it takes for Jaebum to cum inside his mouth, he doesn’t warn him like the other times, he looks surprised when Youngjae looks up, as if he wasn’t expecting for it either, the cum runs down his mouth to his throat but he keeps going, keeps sucking Jaebum till the boy tells him to stop.

They are both a mess but Youngjae won’t get out of this room, not with Mrs. Im and her friends still on the house, they will have to spend the night here. He says so and Jaebum laughs saying he doesn’t care about them, he does blush a bit so Youngjae thinks he cares too, they kiss for a long time, they are already disgusting Youngjae thinks, they stink of sex and sweaty but he feels so good about himself, it’s all perfect, so he doesn’t care about getting even more stinky.

Jaebum is cuddling him up with the excuse of warming him for the night, something like being the blanket, not that Youngjae minds or needs the excuses, they are both on their sides when Jaebum whispers on his ear, “this will never happen again,” Youngjae goes tense but he soon clears it up, “no, not the sex, the sex is definitely happening again. I mean… I made a promise before and I failed you, this time though… it really won’t happen again, baby.”

Youngjae knows he is talking about his father hitting him, but he doesn’t say anything, just nods his head in order to Jaebum to feel it, really what can he say to this? And what can Jaebum even do? He can’t do anything, he can kiss Youngjae’s wounds but he can’t stop him from getting them and that’s the truth that both of them should realize sooner than later.

In the morning there are still a few of the women in the living room, as soon as Youngjae sees them sleeping on the couch and on the floor he walks out telling Jaebum they should leave through the back doors. Jaebum parks not too close to his house so he can kiss Youngjae for a bit, playing with the hair on the back of his head, “are you working after the bible thing?”

“You know it,” he says kissing him for the last time, he’s been working with his father for three weeks now, it makes him tired but since he can’t help the customers as much as the others employees he spends a lot of time doing his homework and reading books.

“I’ll see you later then,” Jaebum says but he doesn’t look too excited to leave just yet, but he needs too and so does Youngjae, the boy climbs up to his room dressing on clean clothes and fixing his hair, his parents are still asleep so he has some to spare. He texts Jihyo, they haven’t talked this week, she’s very busy, Youngjae is proud of her for it, he also thinks she is dating Mina but she never wants to talk about it, he never wants to talk about Jaebum either so it’s alright.

He father drives him to church, they don’t talk and it’s fine, Youngjae doesn’t feel as guilty as he usually does, but he fears he will say something and then his father will know what he is up to. Today he can’t stop smiling at himself, he feels so good, he tries to not show it and since his father also seems to be in a good mood he doesn’t say anything. The place Youngjae feels bad, feels dirty and wrong no matter when and no matter what he did the night prior is at the church though. At the bible study they don’t pray, all they do is reading and reading, he doesn’t care about it, he reads a lot anyways, but he doesn’t interact with anyone either, no matter how much Anna tries to make him engage on some debates, to just give his opinion he never says anything. He won’t let her win this, she is the responsible for him having to be here every Saturday, but he won’t talk if he doesn’t want to.

All Youngjae does is think about how god must feel about him right now, does he hate Youngjae now that he is gay? What about him having sex with another man? He blushes at the thought, as if the people here could hear it. He stopped praying altogether, too ashamed to say anything, he can’t say he is sorry when he isn’t, can’t act like nothing changed either, god is the only one who sees him, who knows how he feels, Youngjae can’t lie to him, that’s why he isn’t praying at all.

They eat at the church before Anna gives him a ride to his father’s shop, they don’t talk but she tries to, she tries a lot, Youngjae just ignores her, he thinks he looks exactly like those rebel teenagers on teen movies not that he cares, but he feels a little childish. “Tomorrow morning I want you guys to sing a special song, one of the couples there were talking finally decided to get married, so I was thinking it would be nice,”

Youngjae rolls his eyes, all the couples that talk at the church are young people who decided to get married because they can’t wait to have sex, everyone knows that so really he doesn’t know why it’s so beautiful or why they should care. “Sure, thanks for the ride,” he gets out the car before she can say anything else.

Work isn’t too busy, the city is small, but they have the largest shop of vehicle parts in their region, but Saturday is never that busy, maybe because people are just too lazy to do anything on weekends, they let everything to Monday. Youngjae is reading a LGBT book he got at the library, no one can’t tell it’s a gay book by the cover and no one asks him about it either, they are almost at the end of their shift when Michael, one of his father employees, approaches him, “hey, your mother called, she said you should go to the city hospital,”

“What?”

“I don’t know either, man, that’s all she said… We will close the shop for your father since he didn’t come back from the meeting he had,” Youngjae didn’t even know his father had a meeting today, he thought the older man was at his office since they didn’t need him in the front.

He feels weird, his mother is fine, could this be a prank call? He tries calling his own house using the shop phone but no ones picks up, which is weird too, his mother should be home right now. As soon as he’s out of the shop he gets his phone to call Jaebum, he doesn’t pick up either and Youngjae is just getting so anxious, why won’t anyone pick up when he needs them to? It’s getting dark but the hospital isn’t too far away, he calls Jaebum one last time before getting in, he is about to throw up thinking what the hell could be wrong but nothing. He doesn’t make it to the reception before his mother sees him running up to him.

“Why did it take you so long, oh my god, son, are you alright?” She has been crying, Youngjae notices.

“I’m fine, what happened? Mom?” She hugs him, they haven’t hugged each other in a long time so he doesn’t know how to react, he doesn’t hug her hack just stands there while she keeps her arms around him, “did something happen to you? Are you in some kind of pain?”

It takes her some time to answer, he thinks she is alright  so it must be something else, “your father… he’s hurt, Youngjae. He was beaten up and-”

“Beaten up?” People don’t just get beaten up in their town, not like that, everyone knows everyone, the criminality rate is really low and everyone feels pretty much safe around here, “did he get in a fight?”

“A fight? Your father? Youngjae, your father has never gotten himself into a fight not even when he was a teenager, someone beat him for no reason. Like a monster...”

‘For no reason’ the three words keep repeating themselves into his head for hours, his mother explains to him everything she knows, not that he asks but she needs to tell someone he supposes. Apparently his father went out in a meet with a man that was supposed to be a new client, but there wasn’t a new client when he got there though, there was someone else. His mother says the police will investigate it, they were there but they couldn’t get much out of his father, they will be back tomorrow.

Right now they are at a prayer room in the hospital, people come here to pray and to be in peace when they need it, when their loved ones are in a hard situation. His mother says they gotta pray till his father’s surgery is over, he is getting a surgery on his broken nose, he won’t die or anything. That’s the first thing Youngjae thinks when she says they _have_ to pray so everything will turn out fine, if he won’t die he doesn’t need to pray for him. All he can think about is that somehow his mother thinks he didn’t deserve that, she cried because her husband didn’t deserve to get hurt.

Kneeling beside his mother who doesn’t pray silently is a hard task, mostly because he doesn’t want to pray but there’s nothing much he can do in this situation. So he closes his eyes as tight as he can, trying to block his mother’s presence, trying to block everything who is not just him and god. _Dear father… there’s been a long time, months, you probably know how many hours, how manys minutes and seconds passed since the last time I spoke to you. I’m embarrassed, I must be a really bad person, my father is in this hospital, I’m supposed to pray for him but I- I-- I really don’t care, I’m sorry, but I don’t care... I feel ugly, I feel like a bad person but I don’t care about him being here, I think he deserves it. Those are ugly, cruel words to say to god, but I should be honest, I shouldn’t lie, not to you… I’ve been running away from this, but there won’t be a better time than this…_

_I love a man, I’m in a relationship with a man and I think he loves me too. Maybe this is wrong but it doesn’t feel wrong when I’m with him, when his arms are around me I feel safe, I don’t feel dirty like I do right now. If this is wrong I’m sorry for hurting you, but I won’t change, I want to pray like I used to, but I don’t believe the same things I used to believe… I will pray because I believe in you, I hope you still love me, father. But I won’t be like before, I’ll be free from now on, I want to--_

“The surgery is over, we can already see your father, lets go,” his mother doesn’t look as shaken up as she was before, praying always helped her more than anything or anyone would. Youngjae follows her through the corridors, he does everything automatically, he feels like he is going to be sick, he hates hospitals, he hates being here. His mother talks to a doctor in front of a room, he talks about his father’s fingers and hands, Youngjae doesn’t understand what’s wrong with them but his mother gasps a lot hearing it.

He doesn’t want to get into the room, for some reason the last thing he wants is look at his father, maybe he will feel sorry for him if he sees him, maybe he won’t, he is not up to find out. It’s not like he has an option though, they get into the room, his father is laying in a large white mattress, everything is fancy and expensive, probably because he won’t stay here for long.

“How are you feeling, my love?” His mother’s voice is sweet, probably sweeter than when she speaks to anyone else, she is caressing his face, there’s a lot of bruises there, she doesn’t touch his nose just his eyebrows and eyes, the only inches of skin that aren’t hurt. Youngjae is looking down at his arms and fingers, when his father talks to him, his voice is weak, it probably hurts to speak.

“Won’t you ask how your father is feeling?” It isn’t scary as it could be in any other time, he looks ugly like a villain in a cartoon, but he can’t do anything to Youngjae and that’s when it hits him. The moment he realizes he feels safe it’s when he feels more scared than ever.

“Who-- who did this to you?”

“The police will find out, you don’t have to be worried about it, son.” His mother tells him engaging in a conversation with her husband in which she speaks way more than him. The person who beat his father broke not only his nose, they broke two of his ribs, both of his arms and literally each one of his fingers. He is taking a lot of drugs for the pain, so he is almost sedated, speaking slowly when he can, before he falls asleep he tells his mother that nothing hurts worse than his fingers, they are broken in multiples places.

“The man-- he said… he said he was doing it so I- so I wouldn’t ever touch what was _his_ again.” The last words are said while he stares right at Youngjae, the boy runs to the restroom throwing up till he doesn’t have the strength to do so anymore.

After it he is sent back home, his mother spends the night at the hospital with his father and he sleeps by himself, Youngjae tries calling Jaebum one last time without success. The nightmares that night are terrible, they are exactly like they were when he was a kid, it’s always him running from a monster who wants to eat him alive, the monster always turned out to be his parents, sometimes the pastor and sometimes just demons, this time the monster never catches him but he screams for Youngjae, it’s his father’s voice and he screams for him furiously.

Sunday afternoon his parents are back home, the police also come with them, they talk to them, but apparently there’s not much they can do, his mother wants them to work as if this is a CSI episode, all they can promise to her though is that they will check security cameras and hear people around. One of the officers asks Youngjae if he knows anyone who could have something against his father, someone who could want to hurt him. He says ‘no’, and that’s the end of it, no one would have anything against a good christian man like him anyways, that’s what the man says back.

The day is awful and it’s like it won’t ever be over, Youngjae has given up, he won’t call or text Jaebum anymore, he can contact him when he wants to. All he does is cry over his homework, the lonyless inside him is like the monster in his dream, it’s all over him and all he can do is hug himself till he finally falls asleep.

 

*

 

It’s not like he didn’t expect for it, not like he is not getting used to it already, so not seeing Jaebum at school in the next two days isn’t a big of surprise for Youngjae. On the third day though he feels his blood running faster through his veins, his heart beating way too fast for it to not be loud to everyone else. They have their trays in their hands when Youngjae sees Jaebum’s large back at his usual table with his friends, “we are sitting with them today,”

“With them who?” Yugyeom asks but soon realizes who he is talking about, “oh, I didn’t know you guys were official now, so you’re ready to everyone to know--”

“No, Yugy, we’ll just sit there with them… don’t look too deeply into this,” Bambam alerts him that other people might look deeply into it though, it might be so but there’s nothing Youngjae can do about it now. Jaebum’s friends pretty much already know about them, or at least they know something is going on between them so they won’t be curious, he will deal with what other can say about this later.

When they get to their table Jackson is fast to make Yugyeom and Bambam sit beside him, some ugly idiot try to make a joke about them sitting there but Jinyoung cuts him off. Youngjae stares to the place beside Jaebum for a long time, the boy is looking down, headphones on, not even seeing any of them. It takes some time for Mark to realize he wants his seat, he doesn’t make a big fuss of it just sliding to the other side giving Youngjae space to sit beside Jaebum.

Some of the people in the table are looking their way but most of them are having their own conversation, Youngjae looks at Jaebum and the boy seems to be in his own world, so he takes his headphones off without saying anything else.

“What the fuck, Mark--” he starts stopping as soon as he looks to his side seeing Youngjae, he is so loud that everyone stops talking to look at them. It’s when his hood falls off his head that Youngjae realizes he dyed his hair, it’s a beautiful auburn now and he wants to say just how handsome he looks, but he doesn’t.

Instead of saying anything he takes a container with fruit salad from his backpack, he made it this morning just like he did the two days prior, he hands it to Jaebum without saying anything, the boy eyes it for a few seconds, “just eat it, you’ve been losing too much weight lately,”

He doesn’t comment on it, he does eat everything though, Youngjae gives him more of the food he got on his tray since the other boy didn’t get anything, it’s probably weird that he is feeding him like this, when they aren’t even talking but Jaebum’s friends seem to be over it already, Bambam seems concerned looking at him whenever he can, but Youngjae ignores it for now, he ignores every stare he gets.

When lunchtime is over and people are starting to get back to their classroom Youngjae captures Jaebum’s right wrist so he can look at his hand. His knuckles are hurt, they sit there, just the two of them, Youngjae lets his fingers run through the cuts there not saying anything, mainly because he doesn’t know what to say.

“Huh-- are you mad?” And it’s just so obvious that Jaebum would be worried about whether Youngjae is mad at him or not, he rolls his eyes catching his stuff so he can go to class as well.

“I was alone, the entire weekend... I was scared and alone, thanks for answering my calls, asshole!”

“No, baby…” Jaebum walks after him, it’s not like Youngjae is running from him so he catches up quickly, turning him around and pressing him against the lockers not caring about who can see them in the hall so close together. “I didn’t mean to let you alone, I just… I didn’t know what to do, I was scared you would be so mad at me that you wouldn’t want to see me anymore so--”

“So you decided to ignore me? It doesn’t matter anymore anyways, I think you should be worried about the police finding out about… what you did,” he whispers.

“They won’t,”

“How can you know?” Jaebum looks a little better now that he ate, but he is so pale, maybe the hair is helping the vampire look but it doesn’t change the fact that he is really thin at the moment, and how vulnerable he looks, at least to Youngjae. To anyone else he probably looks even more scarier and intimidating than before, but Youngjae can see through all this, “I’m not-- maybe I am a little mad, but not in the way you think, not in the way I wouldn’t want to see you anymore. Sometimes people get mad at each other, it doesn’t mean one of them have to leave, y’know?” But he doesn’t, Youngjae knows he doesn’t, he thinks everything is either perfectly fine or people are leaving him and Youngjae hates that. “We can talk about this later,”

He is already late to class, there are just a couple of people in the hall and he has to run to class, yet Youngjae takes Jaebum’s hands on his and kiss at his wounds quickly, Jaebum’s eyes are glued to his lips but they don’t have time to say anything else to each other. Youngjae goes to his class, after it he goes to work, he has to work the same way he had to do before, his father isn’t there but he still has his responsibilities. Also his parents say he has to check if the other guys aren’t doing anything wrong, as if Youngjae would know, he doesn’t care, he likes being at shop better than being at home looking at his father. He’s hurt all over, he can’t walk properly, can’t hold anything in his hands, needs help to do pretty much everything and every time Youngjae looks at him he feels like throwing up, so he isn’t complaining.

At night Jaebum texts him to let the window unlocked, it already was, Youngjae knew he would come tonight. He lies on his bed listening to some music, when Jaebum gets there he doesn’t acknowledge him, still lying on his bed looking at the ceiling, so the other boy lays himself beside him.

“I’m sorry… not for what I did, I’d do it again, I will do it again if I have to,” he is on his side looking at Youngjae’s moles on his face, “but I’m sorry I made you feel lonely, I was such a coward…”

“Yes, you were.” Youngjae says softly, it’s not an accusation, it’s just the truth, “doesn’t it feel weird? You being here knowing he’s in the other room, sedated with drugs because of what you did to him?”

“No. Does it feel weird to you?”

Youngjae closes his eyes so he can think about it, he thinks it’s pretty weird that Jaebum is at his house right now, after what he did he shouldn't be here. A person who hits another like he did shouldn’t be under the roof of said person, yet Jaebum is here, he is here and he is shameless about it. It’s weird, it’s probably wrong too, but Youngjae doesn’t want to think about it right now, he already feels guilty enough.

“He said… he said the person who beat him said something like ‘so you don’t touch what is mine anymore’, something like that, did you?”

“Yes… baby, this is not-- look at me?” Youngjae turns his face so he can look at Jaebum, his eyes are sincere, they seem hurt, like he’s been suffering over it too, “I didn’t do it because I think you’re mine, like an object, because he is touching you when he shouldn’t, it’s not about some possessive shit you might be thinking… I just wanted to make sure he wouldn’t be able to do it again... and he won’t, his finger will hurt too much if he tries to punch you.”

“Ok,”

“Ok?” He seems so unsure of himself, Youngjae hates it, everything is a mess but there are some things he can’t have Jaebum doubting.

“Ok, I believe you. You were taking care of me… on your own way I guess. But… it’s you and me, remember? You shouldn’t leave me hanging, you should talk to me and… mostly you shouldn’t leave me alone here,”

“I won’t, I won’t do it ever again, promise, baby… I promise you,” Jaebum says softly while he kisses Youngjae’s face, he holds it on his hands, whispering soft nothings, apologizing for things he doesn’t need to, promising he loves him, promising he will take care of him. Youngjae believes him, for the most part he does but he isn’t sure if Jaebum is even able to keep all his promises, maybe he wants to but being able to is different.

“Why did you dye your hair anyways?” Youngjae asks while he plays with it, it’s as soft as before.

“I wanted to do something… I didn’t want to do anything dumb, I mean dumber, that would make you angry at me so I just dyed it, I don’t know.” He says defensively for some reason, Youngjae hums assuring he likes it, Jaebum looks good in any way really.

“Jihyo called me last night… she said she has been saving up money so I can go to Chicago in September,” he says after some time and Jaebum tenses beside him, his arms hugging Youngjae’s body just a little tighter. “I told her she shouldn’t worry about me, you weren’t even picking up the phone, but I told her you would take care of me, y’know? I’m not going to Chicago, Jaebum, I’m not leaving you here even if you do dumb stuff,”

“You staying?” His voice is too low, Youngjae takes some time to understand what he said and to reply to it, he might be scared Jaebum will shut him off again, but he knows he believes him, because he has never felt loved before, he doesn’t know how it feels, but maybe that’s it. The thing he feels when Jaebum looks at him like that, as if he is really _his,_ as if he really loves him, it might be what being loved feels like. So he believes him.

“I’m staying.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- ok so the smut is long very long i know but well,,,,,,, sorry???  
> \- im a little worried about the development here like jaebum is a mess but this was all planed like all along and really it's all necessary so,,  
> \- anyways sorry for the long wait im having a hard time lately but i really hope everyone is doing well safe and healthy!! thx for the ones who are still reading this and for u know being nice to me really thank u and i hope u enjoyed it! <3
> 
> (btw i want to finish this in like two or three chapters tops but i keep messing the development so idk but soon)


	16. RING RING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- long time no see :)  
> \- stan loona

“Not mad then?” Jaebum asks maybe for the fifth time in the past two hours, Youngjae wants to look annoyed at him but he can’t see his face, the older boy’s busy kissing at every inch of skin of Youngjae’s neck and collarbone, pulling at his shirt so he’ll have better access to it.

Instead of looking annoyed though, a giggle scapes from Youngjae which makes him and Jaebum laugh out loud, “don’t drool on me, it’s disgusting!” Jaebum just ignores him, he tries to go back to his little kisses but he can’t stop smiling and it’s a disaster, Youngjae can’t stop smiling either, “for the last time, no! I’m not mad at you, Jaebum… just don’t do it ever again,”

Both of them know he’s talking about him leaving Youngjae all alone, feeling unprotected and by himself and not about Jaebum actually beating his father up till the older man has to be hospitalized.

There’s an episode of queer eye playing on the big screen of the room, the boy thinks there’s no way he could have a better night, no after the terrible week he had, what with having his father at home 24/7 giving him orders and complaining about all the pain his feeling. He didn’t have much time to talk with Jaebum, at first he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to, every time he looked at his father he would doubt them more and more.

Things were just too awkward between them, he was just too tired from school, work and church to be thinking about how to act around Jaebum when said boy appeared on his room ‘kidnapping’ him, something about fixing things for good. Youngjae didn’t even have it on him to deny him, he wanted to be with Jaebum even if things were going to be awkward, he just wanted to be with him, also he wanted his boyfriend to be the one trying. He thought they were going to have a date night out, maybe something like a ‘Choi Day’ again, but instead Jaebum drove him to his house, they sat there staring the TV for twenty minutes till Jaebum started telling Youngjae about his childhood with Mark, how they used to be super close and whatnot.

It was somehow amazing for Youngjae, it was amazing that Jaebum got it, he didn’t need to apologize because he already did, he didn’t need to explain himself again, Youngjae already knew his reasons. He wanted something else, he needed much more, hearing about kid Jaebum breaking two teeth while he was running after a stray cat was one of the things Youngjae needed. It was not everything though. After sometime Jaebum promised him to do better, to tell him more things about himself, to work harder on his issues, Youngjae wanted to tell him that he was sick of promises but instead, he just nodded and kissed Jaebum as much as he could, he couldn’t deny how much he missed their proximity.

After it they just laid there eating way too many slices of pizzas and watching queer eye, Youngjae even smoked some weed with Jaebum, which only made the younger boy cry even more with the cheesiness of some stories on the show. Jaebum recorded it on his phone, while he kissed the tears away, no matter how much Youngjae heart was happy seeing other people stories he could feel just how happy Jaebum was laying over him as well, his eyes shining with affection, Youngjae tried to pretend he wasn’t feeling it just as much as him.

“What are you doing anyways,” Youngjae took off his jeans a while ago, it was just too uncomfortable and too hot to sleep in, but Jaebum it’s only on his boxes and the boy can feel just how his body is starting to react to all the kissing and biting he’s been doing. “I’m sleepy, Jaebum… don’t get any ideas.”

“I ain’t doing anything,” Jaebum raises his head so they’re at each other’s levels, looking at Youngjae like he’s about to devour him, “it has been a while though, hasn’t it?” He doesn’t give Youngjae much time to answer kissing the boy passionately on the lips, making his body react quicker than he thought was possible. Bringing Jaebum even closer to him.  

“I-- yeah, but you were the one who--” he tries to push Jaebum off his body then, he doesn’t know why he feels the need to fight it, he just does, maybe he’s a little nervous after all. Jaebum doesn’t move, he doesn’t move at all, instead, he presses his body harder against Youngjae’s.

“Let’s not do this anymore, huh?” Seeing Jaebum nod his head Youngjae can’t help but nod as well, “yeah, it was my fault, I apologized… you forgave me, we are good now, yeah?” Another nod. “So good, right, baby? We are-- just so, so good for each other, yeah?” He says breathing heavily while his hands trace Youngjae’s sides.

The moan that leaves Youngjae’s mouth startles both of them, but he just can’t take it anymore, one of his hands goes straight to Jaebum’s auburn hair pulling it with so much force it probably hurts, smashing their lips together so he can kiss him again. They kiss like they need it, Youngjae lets his tongue explore Jaebum’s mouth while he pulls at his hair, making the other boy growl over him just the way he likes better. Jaebum’s body is so hot and so heavy over his own, Youngjae wants more, more of it, his heart is beating so fast it feels like it’ll break his rib cage.

“We-- now? Can- can we-- please, Jaebum?” He asks between kisses, lips reds and swollen.

“Why do you say that?” Youngjae hates him, he lets him know that with the extremely hard bit he gives his bottom lip, making the other cry out. Jaebum wants him to say it loud, but right now Youngjae is just so horny, dick so hard on his underwear, the last thing he cares about is pretty words.

“Because--” taking Jaebum’s boxes off with no much grace, he lets both of his hands explore all the extent of his back and ass slapping it once just to get a reaction, his hard dick pressed against Youngjae’s clothed one throbbing. “Fuck-- Jaebum! There’s nothing else, out there there’s nothing else-- just us. For me, there’s just you. And--” Jaebum bites so hard at the conjecture of his neck and shoulders he almost yells, “for you, for you, there’s just me.” Youngjae sounds so confident about it, he’s never confident about shit like that, but this is the only thing in his life he can be sure about right now.

And it seems to be all Jaebum needs to hear, “yeah,” is all he says back, he says it softly on Youngjae’s ear, moving just a few inches so he can take the other boy’s shirt off for him. Youngjae feels like he’s about to be eaten alive by the other, at least that’s how Jaebum is looking at him, his face burns with all the attention he’s getting. Of course, they’ve done way more than this before but he never felt so desired, his skin burns, every inch of it, everything, is like he’s being boiled alive and he wants more of that, more of this heat.

“I- love you,” they both know that, it’s like they say it all the time now, even when they are not saying it, with their eyes, with their touches, with their actions, their voice tone, with everything they do, but the need to say it, it’s like another thing eating Youngjae alive right now, everything adds up for the sensation’s on his body to be just too much. While Jaebum almost doesn’t speak, just kisses and holds him, Youngjae can’t seem to stop telling him what he wants, “I want you in every-fucking way I can get you-- and I-- want to be fucked--”

“Fuck--” Jaebum looks at him like a wolf observing its prey, his hips moving slowly over Youngjae’s ones, and even though it can’t be too comfortable it ’s just incredibly good. “Keep-- keep going,”

Jaebum goes down so he can kiss at his chest for a bit, he loves giving wet kisses, giving a hard bite, marking him where he knows people can’t see them, Youngjae loves them as well. He feels the heat getting stronger and stronger, “I-- don’t want it to end,” and so Jaebum stops, “no don’t stop, please don’t stop,” Youngjae knows he’s begging but he doesn’t care he needs Jaebum to keep doing whatever he was doing with his lips and teeth just now.

“What you don’t want to end? Tell me,” both of his hands finding Youngjae’s underwear, finally, finally sliding it off slowly, he almost forgets about the request when their groins touch but Jaebum won’t making any move, making a point of what he wants.

Youngjae thinks well about his next words, at least as well as you can think when you need to come, he doesn’t want to say something he will regret later, but he realizes  he never did, not with Jaebum, with him he feels like he can say how he feels without feeling pathetic seconds later, without feeling like he just fucked up. Maybe it’s too soon, maybe they won’t last, but this, this is the truth right now and he thinks his boyfriend deserves to know how he feels, “us.” He plays with the hair plastered to Jaebum’s forehead, “I want it, us, forever. Give me forever. Please, Jaebum,”

Never in his life has Youngjae felt loved, never has his seen anyone looked at him with adoration in their eyes as if he was the only person in the world. At least not until now. He thinks it’s crazy that someone can doubt love. You can’t doubt love when someone looks at you with so much love in their eyes, that’s what he thinks when he looks right into Jaebum’s eyes, he feels so loved is overwhelming, he has to close his own eyes so he won’t cry. it would be too much of a cliché.

They don’t do anything for a few seconds, no kissing, no moving, no nothing, he just knows Jaebum is still there because he can still feel his breath on his cheek and the weight of his body over his, yet Youngjae knows he didn’t fuck up, he didn’t. Jaebum moves his face so he can kiss his right cheek.

“I don’t deserve you,” at that Youngjae open his eyes ready to scowl at Jaebum to tell him to shut up, to not say stupid things like that, but Jaebum beats him to it, “I’m selfish though, I don’t care. I’m not letting you go, fuck-- Mine. Forever. Yeah?”

But it’s not like Youngjae can assure him of anything before Jaebum kisses him again, this time putting so much force into it like it means so much more than just a kiss, whispering ‘I love you’s from time to time on his mouth. He holds on Youngjae’s waist for dear life so he can move their bodies on the couch so Youngjae will be on top, he wants to cry because of how good it feels, his body going rigid all over. “Do not tense your body, baby, relax for me, will you?”

“Jaebum-- Jaebum, I can’t, okay?” Their dicks are pressed together and every time Jaebum uses the hands on his ass to press him harder against his body he feels like he’s one step closer to come all over the other one and they haven’t done much yet, just the idea of doing something is making his head spin already.

The wolfish smile he receives makes him angry, but not angry enough to let go of Jaebum’s broad shoulders, where he has his nails nailed, to hit at him, “yes you can, come on… I need you to be relaxed, for me. Let it go, _Youngjae,”_

And just when has his name sounded so dirty? It makes it for him, Youngjae lets go completely, he forgets about holding on the right moment, he lets Jaebum do whatever he wants with him, move his body and kiss at every inch of skin the boy pleases, mark and pleasure him even when it seems to be too much, way too much, making him cry out curling his toes begging for release, for compassion, making his eyes shine with tears, he lets go till there’s nothing stopping him anymore.

Youngjae’s dick is red all over, leaking so much he can feel it coming, it burns through his veins, then Jaebum’s voice ruins everything for him “stay like that for me, will you?”

“What? No! Jaebum-- please!” He’s begging again.  

“Yes, baby, just a second,” he doesn’t seem as happy as before, actually Jaebum looks just as desperate as Youngjae feels, he can barely walk to where the table where he keeps most of his cigarette and weed material, hissing while he holds his dick not too gently in one of his hands. It doesn’t take Jaebum more than thirty seconds to be back, he sits on Youngjae’s laps so ne can kiss him again, the younger boy can’t really see what he got from the drawers but he has an idea, he isn’t stupid.

Jaebum is sucking at his tongue too slowly, his hands not touching Youngjae anywhere, “would you fucking touch me?” He can’t even recognize his own voice, but that’s not something he will analyze right now, Jaebum explains to him how he needs to open him up making Youngjae blush so hard he thinks he will combust because then he’s the one who needs to explain that yeah he knows all of it already, he has done his research, for some reason it seems to be the hottest thing to Jaebum though.

“A fucking angel, are you?” They decide to exchange positions so Youngjae is the one sitting on Jaebum’s lap, he says it’s just for the figgering part since apparently, Youngjae isn’t ready to be fucked like that just yet, which sound like bullshit for Youngjae. The first finger goes in without much difficulty and it surprises Jaebum the most.

“I told you, I did some-- Ah! Researching,” it was still not very comfortable though, the kisses he was receiving helped, it helped a lot, soon he was fucking himself back on Jaebum’s middle finger, “another one, I-- I can take it,”

But Jaebum wouldn’t do it without checking if he really could take it and without adding an extra layer of lube, the second finger wasn’t so easy, it took Youngjae a longer time to get used to it but not so long to start enjoying it as well, looking down at Jaebum the other boy seemed so worried he was the one who had to reassure him that it was alright, that he wanted it, that he was happy, that it was everything he wanted. It was good it was reassurance for both of them, that that was it, they weren’t coming back form this, and they were happy, no undeserving feeling, no guilt, just pleasure, just love.

“I want it like that, please Jaebum, I want to be looking at you like that,” Youngjae never gets to ask for anything, with Jaebum everything is so different, he gets to ask for whatever he wants, the power he feels right now, the freedom, it just feels so right, it makes everything even more perfect. Dropping so he can kiss Jaebum lightly on the lips, he pulls at his hair and looks down at him, “I want to be fucked. By you. Like that.”

Jaebum whimpers when he feels the tip of his dick sliding between Youngjae’s ass cheeks, “okay, okay-- condom, I-- condom, baby,” he slides the condom on his dick so quickly, proceeding to massage Youngjae’s ass, promising him he won’t ever hurt him in any way, “slowly, alright? If we go too fast it will hurt too much,”

Youngjae understands exactly what he meant when Jaebum starts entering him and the feeling of ‘too much’ starts suffocating him, but he won't stop, he dreamt about it, like that, just like that, he takes deep breaths eyes never leaving Jaebum’s ones. He’s trying to adjust himself, to get used to the feeling of being filled when he notices Jaebum’s pained expression, “oh does it hurt for you too?” He asks worriedly.

“Hum-- oh, oh no,” Jaebum looks embarrassed for just a second or so, till Youngjae makes a small movement again and he can’t help but whimper again, “it’s just, really hard for me to not, y’know, move,”

“Oh--” Youngjae wants to say he’s sorry but really what can he do? So he tries to experiencing a bit, when he thinks he’s already used to it he moves his hips just a little, making both of them moan together.

“Are you trying to kill me here- fuck--”

“You can move now,” Jaebum looks unsure of himself so he starts slowly just like how Youngjae thought he would anyways, it’s good but not as good as other things they have done before, so he decides to move as well, he starts slowly too, moving his hips trying to find the same pace as Jaebum, he isn’t too good at it but soon they’re becoming faster, Jaebum is going deeper than before, his hands helping Youngjae to go up and down, making it so much more enjoyable for them.

“Fuck, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck--fuck! Do that again!” Youngjae isn’t sure if he is whispering or yelling by now he couldn’t care less, Jaebum just did a thing he never did before, and he is fucking into him so fast it feels like Youngjae’s body will break in two at any moment, “please like that! Jaebum!”

Jaebum holds his hips in place so he is the only one moving now, Youngjae looks down and he can see just how fast his hips are working him up, it can’t be easy to hold both of them in this position, but Jaebum’s body looks so good doing it he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing till Jaebum is crying out and beating his hand away from his nipple, Youngjae couldn’t help but pinch at it. All of Jaebum’s body convulsing with it.

“You’re so fucking hot… you have no idea how you look right now, goddammit,” Jaebum whispers to him before letting go of him, his dick leaving Youngjae’s entrance altogether, Youngjae pouts ready to protest, “hey, hey, it’s okay, we’ll just-- here,” he lays Youngjae on his back, moving one of the boy’s leg to his shoulders, squeezing it, “so tick, fuck, it drives me so crazy, you know that, right? That’s why you wear those light jeans-- just so-- fuck!”

Youngjae has no idea what he’s talking about and he has no time to think about it, not when Jaebum caresses his assholes with his middle finger like it’s a normal thing to do, he sucks at Youngjae’s bottom lip, entering him again, this time without too much care, he does it quickly not giving Youngjae any time to adjust to his length again, “you like it like that, don’t you? Fast. Tell me how you want it, Choi,”

Jaebum fucks Youngjae way faster than before, this position allowing him to do so, he holds both of Youngjae’s legs folding his body, fucking him so hard it’s obvious that he’s getting desperate and so is the other boy, he is about to ask to be touched when Jaebum hits his prostate, dick hit it again and again. They both know when it happens because Youngjae’s whole body goes tense, hole sucking the other one dick in, making the slide difficult but incredibly more pleasurable.

“Don’t-- don’t you stop!” His words are accompanied by his entire body trying to get Jaebum to just give him more, to go faster, their bodies becoming one on their desperation for more. “I’m so close,”

“Then do it for me,” Jaebum tells him, his hands goes for his dicks and then everything is perfection, he strokes Youngjae just once or twice, it should be embarrassing but the other boy hits his sweet spot at the same and everything seems to fit just right. He wants to tell Jaebum that he loves him again but no words will leave his mouth, he feels a drop falling on his face, he can’t tell if it’s sweat or a tear, when he looks up Jaebum is hiding his face on Youngjae’s neck, “fuck, so tight-- so perfect,” Youngjae feels him coming as well. He can’t help smiling, it feels perfect, even though his legs are starting to hurting and so is his back, even though he is disgusted with all the cum on his stomach, it never felt so perfect like it does right now.

He doesn’t feel disgusted with himself nor with the fact that there’s a man telling him just how good he felt around him, he’s a bit shy yeah, but doesn’t feel like the worst person in the planet because of what he just did. Youngjae feels good about himself. He’s happy, just so happy. When he tells Jaebum this, he feels even happier seeing all the happiness reflected back at him.

“I’ll never forget tonight,”

Jaebum is the big spoon, they took a shower together and now they’re lying on his big bed, completely naked, fingers interlocked while Youngjae stare at the stars through the window, Youngjae pretends he doesn’t find it cute, it’s not like he’ll forget it either, “do you need to be so cheesy all the time?”

“You don’t have to play with me, y’know?” Jaebum says kissing the back of his shoulders, “I know you like my cheesiness just fine. It’s okay, I like your fake protests too, two can play at this game, Choi.”

Youngjae laugh out loud, protesting just for the sake of it, then they make out for a bit, again just for the sake of it, because it feels right, to show affection, they never had it on their lives and now showering each other with kisses and affection seems like their thing. They have to set an alarm, Youngjae has to be at home early tomorrow, he has bible study just like every Saturday and he has to help at home, to help his father to do basically everything.

He’s very much tired, it’s not enough to help him sleep though, Jaebum’s hand on his lower stomach helps him remember he’s protected here with him, but he’s worried he won’t hear the alarm, scared he’ll oversleep, scared he’ll think this is his new life now, scared he’ll forget just what his reality is. So he hears Jaebum’s steady breathing the whole night instead, feels his heartbeat at his back, feels his warm hand on his stomach, interlocking their fingers again till the light of the day comes and he has to go back home.

Youngjae doesn’t try to pretend to not be sad to be going back because Jaebum said he doesn’t need to do so, so he doesn’t, he show him just how he feels, Jaebum shows him just how it hurts him as well. He takes care of Youngjae as if he’s something fragile, he kisses him goodbye a thousand times, hugs him and promises to see him later even though they know they won’t be able to hang out a lot till next weekend. Youngjae feels like crying when he enters his room so he does, he cries till he can’t cry anymore.

It always feels like that, as if he has a life with Jaebum when they’re together and one completely different when he comes back home, as if he loses his freedom in seconds, as if everything was a dream and now he’s back to reality, he hates it. He loves being with Jaebum, but every time he has to come back he hates it more and more.

 

**_The Cutest Im Jaebum -_ **

 

_got to fuck a pretty hot guy last night_

_u would like him_

_thicc af (6:02 AM)_

 

_oops wrong number :p (6:02 AM)_

 

_bby (6:05 AM)_

_,_

_.._

_.._

_._

_: & _

 

_bby dont cry too muh (6:06)_

_much*_

 

_those three words (6:07)_

  


Youngjae smiles to himself even if the tears still there drying on his face, before he can go downstairs to have breakfast with his parents he texts Jaebum back.

 

**_me -_ **

 

_i admire you too_

_asshole (6:09)_

  


 

* * *

 

  
  


“I already told you, Jihyo, it’s safe-- well, not _safe_ safe but as safe as it can be! Safer than it has ever been and as safe as it will ever be… he won’t let anything happen to m-” before Youngjae can finish what he was saying through the door of his room is getting open behind his back, he barely has any time to hide his phone between his pillows before his mother is getting inside his room.

“Were you talking to someone up in here?” She asks suspicious expression on her face, she has been exhausted lately and it shows, what with his father not being able to help at all in the house or with whatever they solve together. It’s not like she can be suspicious of Youngjae, he doesn’t have anyone to talk to in his room, yet the feeling of being monitored suffocates him on an instant. Mumbling a ‘what?’ that probably annoys her he tries to look as passive as possible, “doesn’t matter, I need you to get my clothes from Mrs. Fabre’s studio after class, _after class_ , before going to the shop, understood?”

His mother waits for a reply but she doesn’t get any, Youngjae doesn’t even look back at her anymore. She doesn’t look defeated though, she never does, she fakes a victorious look walking out of the room. As soon as she lives Youngjae lies down on the bed being able to breathe again, he takes the phone seeing a bunch of text notifications, all of them from Jihyo, he texts her quickly explaining what happened.

 

**_jihyooo -_ **

_okay good (7:24 AM)_

_anyways how can u be so sure he wont let anythin happen ?? (7:25 AM)_

_like ._

_u gurs r friends yeah i get it but_

_think about what i said okay ?? (7:26 AM)_

 

Youngjae stresses about telling his sister, he should have done it by now, mostly because it’s pretty obvious and because he has no reasons to not do it, it doesn’t feel right though telling your sister you know it because you’re in love, because you know your boyfriend is in love with you too and that they wouldn’t ever let anything happen to you. It sounds pretty naive actually and he doesn’t want to deal with judgment, not right now.

He’s as it his locker listening to Bambam and Yugyeom stories about their Wednesday night, how they watched some b horror movies and how scared they were later that Bambam’s mom had to go to Bambam’s room at four in the morning to check the ‘dark spots’, “it wasn’t like that, she showed up on her on, you see? She wanted to check on us as any good Asian mom would,”

Youngjae laughs at that, yeah his mother is a good woman, but he doubts she would do that just because, she probably scolded them till they left to school, he wishes he was there with them.

“What’s up losers,” before he can turn to see Jaebum approaching them the older boy is kissing his right cheek quickly and moving away, “not you, you’re always winning,” looking back at him Youngjae forgets all the complaints he had about them being seen together like that in public, Jaebum looks so good, he didn’t gain any weight, at least not that you can see it but his muscles are back and it’s not like he’s about to pass out at any moment. “I hear that you peed the mattress is that so?”

“Dude, you aren’t funny at all. I know you try go for bad boy or whatever but you look like an old uncle, so un-funny,” Yugyeom says rolling his eyes making Bambam and Youngjae laugh out loud if not because of his insolence definitely because of Jaebum’s offended face.

They annoy Jaebum for the most part of time they spend together, if they were intimidated by him before it’s long forgotten by now, the older boy pretends to hate it, but Youngjae can see in his eyes just how much he enjoys their dynamics, maybe not be feared is something Jaebum has always needed and didn’t know. Jaebum walks Youngjae to class telling the other two to get lost so they can have some minutes alone, “hey, what’s up with you?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t ‘huh’ me, you seem kinda not here today, what’s up?” They walk slowly so they won’t have to be apart too soon, it’s not something they had to say out loud, it’s just a rule that was naturally established, extend every second together.

“Things on my mind, I guess,” he tries to talk about something else but Jaebum keeps pressing, wanting to know what kind of things, he doesn't even know what kind of things himself. “I don’t know? Jihyo is worried about me, I said it’s safe… it’s not safe.”

“Did something happen?” Jaebum asks nervously, they’re already in front of Youngjae’s class and the boy knows, can see that the other one wants to touch him but it’s stopping himself from doing it here, he feels something weird on his chest, something he hasn’t felt in a while.

“Nothing happened. I’ll see you at lunch, yeah?”

They don’t get to talk at lunch, not that it’s hard to hold a conversation at the table, people are used to Youngjae and his friends’ presence by now, but he doesn’t feel like talking so he just holds Jaebum’s hand under the table and agrees to everything people are saying without paying too much attention. Jaebum doesn’t press him, they agree he’ll be giving Youngjae a ride after class and that will be it.

They listen to some music on their way to Mrs. Fabre, it’s funny because Youngjae knows Jaebum didn’t forget that they were supposed to talk, and he knows Jaebum knows he knows, yet none of them say anything. He almost smiles to himself.

“Please come inside, I have those big croissants you have always loved, my dear, and I can-” Mrs. Fabre tells him with her sweet voice tone and small figure again.

“No, sorry, haha-”  Youngjae doesn’t like being rude to old ladies and he is really trying not to be rude here, but she’s saying the same thing over and over again for the past five minutes and him doesn’t even like croissants, never liked them, “but, hum, my mom wants me to get home early today, so… hum, gotta go, see you later, Mrs. Fabre.”

As he leaves her studio he can feel her eyes on his back, her small blue eyes follow him like arrows, Youngjae feels creeped out but as soon as he’s inside Jaebum’s car he forgets all about Mrs. Fabre and his mother’s clothes. Jaebum’s face reads business and really what can he do? He still has some time to be at the shop since Jaebum gave him a ride, he doesn’t even have an excuse anymore.

“What do you want me to say? No really don’t give this face. I don’t know what to say, okay?  already told you what happened,”

Jaebum is silent for a long minute, inhaling “that’s my fault,”

“What do you--”

“It’s my fault, I need to find-- I can’t wait for you to be ready to get away from that house, you know? _I_ need to do something, _I_  need to find us somewhere else. You can’t live with fear forever.” Jaebum says hitting his head wheel.

The word ‘us’ echoes on Youngjae’s mind while he stares at Jaebum, he thinks about what it means. And Jaebum keeps talking to himself, keeping himself, Youngjae wants to tell him he’s wrong, that it’s not his fault when he sees Mrs. Fabre closing the studio for the day.

“Jaebum, we need to leave, Mrs. Fabre can’t see me here,” Jaebum looks at the direction of the studio, starting the car, incredibly fast. She looks their way. Youngjae can barely breathe, “oh my god, what if she saw us? She will be calling my mom right now, fuck. Fuck! I can’t--”

“Hey, calm down!” Jaebum says dropping one of his hands to Youngjae’s legs, “she’s just an old lady, she probably can’t see from that far away, yeah?”

“Probably…” he repeats trying to breathe in and out, but it doesn’t sound convincing even for his own ears.

“I can’t have you living like that, at the verge of a panic attack because someone might have seen you with me,”

They’re parked next to the preserve where no one but stupid kids usually come, “I’m sorry, it’s not cause I don’t want to be seen with you, it’s not that, you know that, right?”

“That’s not what I’m worried about, baby.” Jaebum whispers caressing his cheeks, he’s thoughtful till he speaks again, “you still want to go to the shop?” That’s the last thing Youngjae wants, he’s scared, scared the whole town already knows he’s gay, he feels like he’s in a witch hunt movie as if everyone will be looking for him, but realistically it can’t be, things can’t escalate like that, can they?

“Please, would you drop me off?”

“I’ll take care of things. Let your sister know that,” Youngjae is so shaken up he doesn’t have it on him to ask Jaebum what he is talking about or what it even means, he just nods kissing Jaebum’s knuckles, it’s reassuring, it’s real, Jaebum is right here and he’s safe, that’s what he tells himself.

His shift at the shop goes smoothly just as it always goes, but Youngjae’s head can’t stop spinning, he keeps imagining Mrs. Fabre walking through the doors with his mother and father behind her ready to hurt him. When he needs to go home he takes every step praying that nothing will happen to him, and if it does that Jaebum will somehow feel it and come to his rescue, it’s pathetic and he knows it, but he’s desperate.

When he enters home everything seems to be as normal as it could be, except for the figure of someone else, “oh, Youngjae, why did it take you so long? I was about to go pick you up at the shop!” Anna says excitedly, she’s helping his father with the TV settings on the living room as if she belongs here, somehow it’s not so weird, they have known her since forever, but the anxiety eating Youngjae alive won’t leave him just yet, there’s something on her eyes that just won’t let him breathe peacefully.

“I-- hi, Anna, it’s fine. I like how the air feels this time of the year.” She smiles big at him, “I need to go wash up before dinner,”

“Can I talk to you before that? It’s that a problem Kwang?” She directs the question to his father who obviously doesn’t see a problem with the mentor of his son wanting to talk alone with him.

They go to his father office, where he rarely stays but wanted to have anyways, “I came to have dinner with you guys, your mom invited me,”

“Good,” he says, not knowing what to say to this, but smiling at her nonetheless.

“Of course she wants to talk about you, you’re what we have in common, besides our faith, of course, she’s your mother I’m your mentor, we’re always talking about you!” The smile never leaves her face, Youngjae remembers a time when this smile was something reassuring, not something that would scare him so much, she’s such an unknown person to him right now, he doesn’t know what she’s up to. He feels like running from her. “We both want the best for you!”

“Thank you?”

“You don’t have to thank me, sweetheart. I do it because I love you like a mother loves her own child. That’s why I worry so much… I worry so much about your choices, Youngjae. About your companies. About your safety. I’m here tonight because I want to make sure everything is alright with you.”

“What does it mean?”

She looks confused for the first time since the conversation started, good Youngjae has been confused since the beginning so it’s good they’re standing at the same place now. “It means that if something or someone is hurting you, you should come to me. I would never let anything happen to you, ever.”

Youngjae heard these words before, he knew he could thrust Jaebum when he said them as much as he knows he can’t thrust Anna right now while she says them, it makes something break inside him, “yeah? You know who hurts me,” he points at the living room mouthing ‘them’ at her, “but I don’t see you doing anything about it.”

Anna goes even paler than she already is, needing a moment to recompose herself, “you know what I’m talking about here, Youngjae. I’d rather we were both clear with each other,” and know he’s the one who can feel himself going pale, “I don’t know for how long you think you can keep this up, but listen to me,” she isn’t smiling anymore, instead she has an expression Youngjae has never seen on her before, “I’m just trying to help, end this! Before it’s too late, end this, Youngjae!”

Youngjae’s mouth dries up, his legs are shaking and he can’t even look at her face, he wants to say so much, wants to tell her to go to hell, that there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing. But he can’t, he runs to his room almost tripping on the stairs, he tries calling Jaebum but it goes straight to voicemail every time. After the fifth try, his mother is calling him downstairs he decides to leave a message.

“I-- I need to talk to you, yeah? When you hear this-” Youngjae is sobbing, he needs to stop in order to Jaebum to understand what he is saying, “I’m okay, nothing happened, promise. I just… really need you right now.” He hears the ending beep and has to give up about calling his boyfriend again so he can go down for dinner.

His parents comment on his appearance, Anna is as sweet as ever saying he’s probably just too tired from all his hard work, he can’t even feel grateful. There are voices chanting on his mind ‘she knows, she knows, she knows’, he can’t take his eyes away from her either, afraid that at any given moment she will just turn to his parents and tell everything she knows with the same bright smile on her face. They talk a lot, at least the three adults do, Youngjae counts the seconds to the night to be over, Jaebum was right they need a plan, he can’t live much longer like that. Everything’s falling apart, he needs to get away.

Anna is almost done with her tea, they are all on the living room and Youngjae is sure this visit can’t last much longer, just a few more minutes and he’ll be able to go to his own bathroom throw up, she won’t say anything, she won’t, he repeats to himself. That’s when out of nowhere his phone rings on the inside pocket of his shirt, everyone on the room freezes, it’s like time stops, as if there’s nothing else in the world but the loud screechy sound of the ringtone coming from him.

The tears are dropping from Youngjae’s eyes before he can even try to get up from the armchair before he can think about escaping from this situation, his mother closes her fingers around his wrist, sharp nails almost breaking the skin. “Give me that. Right. Now.”

The boy doesn’t know what to do, he can’t move, his legs won’t obey him, his arms won’t move, he can’t move any part of his body at all, he hears his father saying something about Youngjae not having a phone and Anna saying violence isn’t necessary, but his eyes won’t move away from his mother’s cold ones.

She’s standing while he’s sitting, it’s like he’s a small kid again, as if he can’t defend himself from her anger, as if his just so fragile that even if he tried to push her body away from his he wouldn’t be able to. “I said. To. Give me. That. Choi. Youngjae!”

But she doesn’t wait for a reaction, she’s pulling his shirt to the side, her nails hurting his skin once more and that’s when it hits Youngjae, everything that it’s going on, he tries to stop her but it just ends up being worse, on the process of getting his phone she rips the collar of his shirt exposing his full of love-marks collarbone.

The phone still rings, Youngjae looks at it and there it is, ‘The Cutest Im Jaebum’ accompanied by a picture of them at the beach, Jaebum back-hugging him, while he kisses Youngjae’s hair. He feels the slap from his mother before it comes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- the smut is so long,, like more than half of the chapter and i wasn't even going to add smut here...... things happen,  
> \- i wish it was like 20k but couldn't do it, it would be too heavy on plot i hope u understand  
> \- anyways Purply101 thx for ur comment and for u bookmark?? u have no idea but i read it so many times?? knowing someone took the time to read it and put so much thought on this fic... it made me really happy.  
> \- last thinggg: yeah it took me a long time, but lol the things in my life... my therapist made me write this no kidding she was like theres nothing stopping u,, go back to writing so :) pls enjoy sorry for not replying to ur comments i was really u know sad i will try be good <3 i missed this story honestly hope yall did too ..
> 
> (btw yeah yj changed jbs contanct on his phone from coolest to cutest)


	17. Bring me back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- pls mind the new tags, i hate using the f slur and yet it's here  
> \- domestic violence at the beginning of the chapter which i think it's expected BUT i should warn you, just skip it if it's too much for u please don't read something that will make u feel bad  
> \- chapter title is from Zayn's song 'back to life'.. i listened to his new album a lot while i wrote this...  
> \- enjoy!

His mother has Youngjae’s phone on her hand for just about two seconds or so that’s what Youngjae can see from the moment he looks back at her, his face stinging from the slap, then the thing is flying around the room, hitting the floor strongly and going completely silent. He can’t take his eyes away from it till he feels another slap hitting his face once again, this one for some reason hurting more way than the first one. Youngjae can’t understand what is being said to him there are yells coming from every side while he can’t speak nor can move, can’t do anything at all. The boy wants to say something, defend himself or maybe confess every little thing he has done with Jaebum stand up for himself, anything really, but nothing will leave his mouth. 

His body doesn’t feel like his own, it’s like everything is happening outside but inside him, the time has stopped. As if he’s only watching what is happening and not being a part of it. Youngjae doesn’t even have it on him to feel scared, there’s no feeling, no will to fight, just resignation he’ll probably hate himself for it later. 

Anna is standing in front of him now, did she push his mother away? She hugs Youngjae against her own body, she’s saying something he can’t really figure out what is, something about it all being a misunderstanding because of course Youngjae wouldn’t be with a man like that, Anna looks down at him as if waiting for him to confirm what she just said, to lie, to tell his parents that he doesn’t know what is going on, but he can’t, all he does is shake his head up at her, feeling useless. 

“Look at him, what a waste of space, of money, of effort. What are you, Youngjae?” His father is getting dangerously close to them, Anna feels the threat as well if the way she tightens her grip on him is anything to go by. “You’re his little whore? He pays you with expensive gifts so he can fuck you? A fucking slut, my son-- a fucking slut,” he doesn’t see when it happens, how the body that was around him just a second ago is now being thrown to the couch and another one, a bigger one, is manhandling him, long fingers closing around his throat when his whole body hits the wall, pictures falling to the ground with the impact of it. 

“Let-- let go of me, please,” those are the first words to come out of Youngjae’s mouth since everything has started, his survival instincts kicking in, trying to push his father of him, it doesn’t seem to make any difference, he can hear Anna yelling at him to stop to just let go of Youngjae already, but he knows it’s a lost cause he knows it as soon as he can’t take any air in at all, desperation taking over his body. 

“Fags don’t deserve to live,” squeeze, “do you think you deserve to live? Do you think you deserve the gift of life when you dishonor our Lord like this? He didn’t create you for you to be lying with another man!” Youngjae is kicking and pushing at him, tears rolling down his face, is this how he dies? That would be ridiculous, he didn’t get to do a lot of things, he didn’t get to live his life at all, he shouldn’t die like this. 

His thoughts are a mess, everything coming to him at once, the first time his father took him and Jihyo to the beach, how small and powerful he felt at the same time, how grateful Jihyo was and how she said she loved their father more than anything in the entire wide world, more than watermelon even. 

He can hear Jaebum’s voice on his mind ‘you’re mine to take care of now. No one will ever touch you again, because you’re mine.’ He pushes at his father’s face again with more strength this time at the sound of the voice, then there are also images of six years old Youngae walking down the street with his mother they were just coming back from the church a couple got divorced he didn’t understand what it meant just that he couldn’t go to Paul’s house to play anymore. When Youngjae saw a basketball hoop on someone else’s backyard and he begged to get one as well, his mother got down to his level, looking him dead in the eyes holding his face with just one hand, ‘if you ever turn out to be gay I will chain you on one of those, and you won’t leave it there till you become a man again, understood?’ Her voice rings on his memories, and Youngjae would smirk to himself if he could, instead he gathers every inch of strength left on his body and spites right at his father. 

“Bit- fucking bitch,” he takes Youngjae’s body off the wall hitting it against it again with so much more force than before, the boy thinks that now he is really going to die, he will choke him with his fingers no matter how hurt they are. Instead of going to his throat again, all he does is punch Youngjae’s face, his body flying to the ground, he hears a loud pang when his face makes contact with something he can’t really see what it is. 

A loud ring takes care of his head, he can’t hear anything around him, just something like an ambulance siren inside his head but worse, so much worse, someone is taking him from the ground saying something to him but he can barely open his eyes, he can’t say anything even though he feels like yelling for the noise to stop. 

The person says something again, something like ‘stay with me’ but the boy can’t be sure, they are in motion now and it hurts even worse, his head it just aches so much, there’s something wet on the side of his face and he wants it to stop, he wants it all to stop, he just wants Jaebum here with him, to make it stop. He tries to call for him, but it hurts too much, then everything goes dark at once. 

Youngjae opens his eyes to an impossible bright room, it hurts his eyes and then his head, he closes his eyes again, why is everything so bright? His room is dark, his curtains not letting just a light beam coming in. The buzzing still in his head, not as loud as before but still there, he tries to open his eyes again ignore the strong ache he feels on the back of his head, then he notices he can’t move his body and that he doesn't recognize where he is, panic rising in his body his throat closing up. Youngjae tries moving again just to realize that there’s something stopping him and then this something is moving up as well.

Jaebum is right there laying over him, opening his eyes, they’re shot red and he looks confused for just two seconds or so till realization seems to take over his face. “God, you’re awake, you’re awake!” he moves from the bed leaving Youngjae’s body altogether, it’s good being able to move again but it feels coldly incredible fast, Youngjae wants his warmth back. Jaebum presses a bottom next to the bed, quick taking a glass of water next to it, “here, let’s-- take some water, baby.”

Youngjae doesn’t can’t move his head just right, he tries to but it’s like he’s being hit over and over again, then memories of what happened last night start to come back to him, his eyes budging while he tries to look at every inch of the room as if looking for any threats. 

“Hey, hey, it’s fine, it’s me just me here, huh?” Jaebum says softly, he still holds the glass even though he doesn’t try to make Youngjae take it again. “How are you feeling?” Youngjae doesn’t know if he should tell Jaebum just how badly everything aches, not with the way the older boy is looking at him, he looks terrified as if something happened to him instead of to Youngjae. 

“My ear… it really hurts. I-- why does it hurt so bad? What happened to it?” Even speaking hurts, the sound of his voice is too much. Before he can say anything there are people entering the room, a woman and a man dressed in blue and another man, an older one, in all white. He had already figured out that he was at a hospital but it makes it more real, more frightening for some reason.

“Hello, Choi Youngjae, how are you feeling today kid?” The man in white, the doctor, asks while the other two people fix his bed and the medication he’s taking, distracting Youngjae for a bit. The doctor says something else but the boy doesn’t catch it. 

“I-- sorry, I couldn’t hear you, I’m fine though,” Jaebum scoffs at it, which is rude and he will let him know that as soon as they’re left alone again. “I mean everything hurts, my head more than anything else, there’s a noise on my left ear… and I feel like throwing up, but I’m fine if you ignore these things.” 

The doctor looks thoughtfully at him, smiling for just a fraction of seconds, “we won’t ignore those things, though, they are important.”

“Will he--” 

Jaebum starts talking just to be stopped by the doctor, “Youngjae, you know why you’re here, son?” 

It makes something sift on his stomach, so Youngjae rises his hand looking at Jaebum, he’s lucky his boyfriend understands it without any words, he’s at his side in a second holding his hand tightly, fingers caressing at his pulse. “Hum-- yeah? I remember some stuff,”

“Okay, it’s good that you remember it. I need to ask you more questions, some silly stuff just to make sure you’re alright, that’s fine with you?” And really what can Youngjae do? He can’t fight the doctor on it, so he goes on asking him a bunch of really silly questions as what year is it when is his birthday, what’s his sister name, how old is he and the such. Finally, when he seems satisfied with the question he tells Youngjae that the female nurse, Therese, will help him with his breakfast and then they will run some tests.

Jaebum gets out of the room with the doctor without saying anything which doesn’t sit right with Youngjae, he feels cold and lonely. The nurse is quite sweet while she feeds him, it’s embarrassing and he would rather have Jaebum helping him but he doesn’t tell her that, he’s able to drink some water just now realizing how thirst he has been, it’s like he hadn’t had anything to drink in days. When they are done he’s been taken out of the room to run the tests the doctor said they would, Jaebum is outside waiting for him, he has a coffee cup on his hand, it doesn’t help with his appearance though, he looks so tired Youngjae wants to ask when was the last time he had a proper night of sleep, but he doesn’t. 

He goes through a bunch of exams, really a bunch, he almost throws up once or twice, Youngjae asks the doctor about the ringing in his head making literally everyone look worriedly at him but the man assures him they will fix it soon. At least the drugs make some of the pain go away. When they finally go back to the room where he was before some hours later Youngjae and Jaebum are finally left alone again, the nurse promising they will be back with a few results soon since not all of them will be ready today. They don’t speak much, Youngjae just taps at the bed in a way of asking to Jaebum to lay with him again, he doesn’t need to do it twice. 

Jaebum lays with there him, involving his body with his own protecting him, kissing at the top of his head, they stay silent for a long time, till Youngjae speaks first “I’m grateful for you being here, so… thank you.”

“Where else would I be, baby?” His voice is too low or maybe it isn’t, maybe it’s the loud ring on his ear disturbing his hearing, this has been going all day long now and it’s starting to annoy Youngjae, why can’t this shit just go away already? “I was so worried, you really-- you really scared me, y’know? I thought… I don’t know I was really scared.”

“Huh? Why were you scared? I mean you knew I wasn’t going to die, right?” He asks worriedly, the way Jaebum is looking at him it seems like he didn’t, it seems like he’s been scared out of his life since Youngjae got in here. “Hey, didn’t I say I wasn’t going anywhere? Should thrust me better than this, Jaebum.” He pouts but it doesn’t seem to do the trick Jaebum’s expression still pained. 

“Anna went to my house, I-- there was so much shit going on at the time and I considered not even talking to her at first, but she was scared too, she looked like she was about to go through a breakdown… When she told me what happened, that you were here, Choi I never felt so scared in my life, I--”

“Hey, it’s okay now, you don’t have to think about it anymore,” it sounds fake even to his own ears, they both know that this is all they will think about for a long time, Youngjae probably won’t ever forget it, the way he felt, the incapacity. Just like this he can’t stop thinking about it, he didn’t have any time to think about it till now, but it’s starting to get dark and all he can think about is that Anna was the one who took him here, that it wasn’t him saving himself, it never was. It was someone else, and what if it wasn’t her? What if she wasn’t there?

Some tears roll down his face at the thought, he stares at the ceiling, the more the thinks about it the more he cries, Jaebum doesn’t even try to stop it, just hugs him tighter, making sure he knows the older boy is there with him.  

The doctor enters the room for the second time that day, this time only Therese is by his side, he says they need to talk face stern, Jaebum tries to get up but Youngjae holds onto him for dear life, too scared of the cold feeling that always seems to come back when he leaves his side. Youngjae’s anxiety starts to rise up when the doctor starts by saying everything that they thought would be a problem but lucky for Youngae it won’t, he knows what always comes after the good news and he doesn’t want to hear whatever it is, wants to tell the doctor to just keep it to himself but of course it ain’t a real possibility. 

He then starts talking about his hearing, about the loud noise he keeps hearing, saying it will go away, at least most of it will, the pain will definitely go away will but the noise will take longer, will require a treatment, a life-long treatment, and a hearing aid.

Youngjae let’s go of Jaebum’s hand at that. The doctor keeps going, he says that Youngjae will be good to go home, which is a fucking joke he doesn’t know what having a place to call his home is, in another two days or so. But that they will fix a hearing aid for him before that. “What does it mean exactly?”

“I wasn’t sure that this would be a problem before you were up, so I was waiting for the exams results, you didn’t lose your left hearing a 100% percent, which is kind of a miracle considering the trauma, you still can hear me from your left side even though it isn’t perfect, right?” Youngjae nods his head slowly even if he’s not sure of it. “Still you lost some of it, you hit your head when you fell, you do remember that, am I right? The impact it affected your hearing, but just barely, it will be hard at first to adapt, it always is but it gets better with time and with the treatment of course.”

The doctor talks about how it will interfere in his life, his social life and his every day life, how he will still be able to hear but not like before, it will probably be difficult to hear in noisy places or when someone speaks at his left side, how it might hurt hearing too loud noises at first, and how they need to take care of him first. Youngjae doesn’t say anything back at him, he nods his head from time to time so he can know he’s listening after he’s done he tells Jaebum some stuff that Youngjae doesn’t really pay attention to. All he can think about is losing his hearing, even if not all of it… still, he lost a part of him, an important part of him. He never thought it would come to that. He feels pathetic. 

He just notices they’re alone a little while later, the room completely silent, he’s almost scared he lost the capacity of hearing altogether, so he speaks just to make sure he didn’t. “I want-- I want to be left alone.” His boyfriend looks startled at it, not knowing how to react. “You can go home, you’ve been here since what? Last night? You’re probably tired so have some rest,”

“It… it has been three days,” he doesn’t react to this, of course, he lost the track of time, he’s not surprised. “I’m fine here though, I’m not leaving you alone.”

“I want you to though, I want you to leave me alone,” Youngjae’s voice is colder than he intends it to be, but he doesn’t really care about it right now, he doesn’t care about anything. 

Jaebum looks down at his face making it possible for him to not see the pain there, he doesn’t deserve that the younger boy thinks to himself but doesn’t take it back either. “I know I should have been there! I know I promised you and when you called me I should have gone in a second but--”

“I don’t care that you weren’t there, alright? How could you know? You couldn’t and I don’t care. It wasn’t your fault! I don’t blame you! I just want to be by my-fucking-self, is that too much to ask, Jaebum? Leave me alone! I want to be alone!”

Jaebum opens and closes his mouth but nothing leaves it, he detangles his body from Youngjae’s, the boy thinks he should feel guilty but he doesn’t too busy wanting to be left alone already, “I will be outside if you need me then,” it only makes Youngjae angrier, he doesn’t want him to stay outside waiting for Youngjae to need something, he wants to fucking go away, he hits the bed at his sides with closed fists tears rolling down his face angrily. 

Never in his life has Youngjae felt so pathetic as he does right now, he couldn’t save himself he needed Anna to take him away, couldn’t stand up for himself, all he could do was beg to breathe like a stupid little kid. Is not even about not being able to hear perfectly anymore, it’s about his father being able to take it from him, about him being able to ruin something for him, something that will be present with him for the rest of his life no matter what he does. He will forever remember when it happened when his own father punched him to the floor.

The anger fills him more and more, Youngae sobs into the pillow like he used to do when he was a kid and he felt lonely as if it would better die than stay in his stupid body. He wants to tell Jaebum to just fucking leave the hospital already, to leave him, that it makes no sense to want someone as Youngjae in his life, a waste of space that can’t do anything right for himself. 

He cries till he can’t cry anymore, till the tears won’t come to his eyes anymore no matter how much pain there’s still in his chest, falling asleep from exhaustion. The next day things are even worse, Bambam and Yugyeom come visit him, they try to distract him talking about a movie they watched together, about things that happened in school, as if much could happen in the two days Youngjae wasn’t there. He doesn’t engage in conversation with them, ignoring everything they say, getting angry at they loud tone that hurts his ear, and pretending to fall asleep after two hours since they don’t seem to ever want to leave. 

Jaebum enters the room a few hours later, Youngjae pretends he’s still asleep, Jaebum covers him with a blanket and places the Stitch plush toy Youngjae got him for Christmas at his side, it’s just too much for him to take, it takes everything in him to not start crying again, to not ask Jaebum to sleep with him. The older boy stays there for a while, taking his fringe away from his eyes and just observing Youngjae’s face, “I’ll buy some stuff we’ll need for when we leave tomorrow, should be back in a few hours, there’s a new phone for you on the couch if you need something just call me,” he says before leaving the room, Youngjae feels his face burning because he obviously knew that the other was just fake sleeping. 

The next day Youngjae hugs Therese goodbye when they are leaving, she’s the first person he talked to in two days, Jaebum looks offended by it but as soon as they are out of the hospital facility walking towards Jaebum’s car Youngjae takes his hands on his, he can see the smile the older boy tries to hide and some of the weight in his chest leaves him. Inside the car, he notices they aren’t going to Jaebum’s house, he has a second to feel scared that maybe he made Jaebum so mad at him that he really gave up on him and now he will be taken to his own house, back to his parents. A hand finds his left thigh squeezing it twice, “what’s wrong, your breathing just went crazy  in there.”

He looks down at the hand there and it seems to fit perfectly, as if it exists just to be laying there, “huh, where are we going?” It feels weird talking to Jaebum as if nothing happened, as if he didn’t snap at him just a few days ago but his boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind if he does he hides it like a pro. 

Jaebum says something that Youngjae’s doesn’t quite catch, so he asks him to speak louder feeling his face burn for some reason. “Sorry... I said we’re going to stay at the beach house at least for the time being, things at my house they have been… huh, not so good, I would say? You will feel better at the beach anyways, it’s better than staying closed up in a room, the ocean looks perfect at this time of the year,”

Youngjae looks at him curiously, Jaebum hasn’t washed his hair in days, the dark circles under his eyes are also telling, he feels bad, incredibly bad about everything he did but doesn’t know how to say it, so he ignores the feeling if only for now. “What happened? At your house I mean, did you have an argument with your mom?”

“Something like that,” 

“Are we back at having secrets?” Youngjae asks not too nicely, mad that even after so long Jaebum still doesn’t tell him everything.

“I don’t know, are you back speaking with me?” The older boy snaps as well regretting it as soon as it leaves his mouth, “sorry, I-- it’s just we can talk about it later it’s not that I want to keep it from you--”

“I’ll take a nap till we get there,” he interrupts his boyfriend, anger rising again, this is becoming a problem he thinks, everything seems to be making him mad now and he can’t even control it. 

He doesn’t succeed on falling asleep but keeps his open observing everything outside, he likes seeing the flowers they are starting to blow, he thinks about how nice everything must smell. The ocean also looks so blue, blue in a way he never saw it, it really looks prettier this time for some reason, and makes a mental note to thank Jaebum to be taking him for the beach house, well at least when they are back to being nice to each other. They take longer to get there than the first time, maybe because Jaebum drives too slowly this time around. 

“We are here,” Jaebum stats the obvious, they are always parked in front of the house. 

“Good, you should wash your hair, I will cook lunch.” 

“I should-- what? Fuck you, my hair wasn’t exactly my priority while my boyfriend was at the hospital, thank you very much.” Youngjae giggles at this, Jaebum is just too easy to annoy sometimes, “and  _ I _ will cook us lunch, you can go rest, maybe take a shower yourself and wash your own goddamn hair.”

“God, you’re so annoying,  _ I  _ will do the cooking, I’m not an invalid, you asshole, I can cook all I want.” 

They bicker a little and it feels right, it feels just right now, Youngjae blushes as soon as he sees the couch where they jerked off together for the first time, Jaebum seems to think about the same thing because he drops his mouth to Youngjae’s right ear speaking in a mocking tone, “does it bring you any memories, love?” 

“Yeah… do you think we can watch Cupcake Wars reruns again? I really miss those.” He looks at Jaebum innocently and for some reason, it doesn’t annoy him, he smiles holding his face on his hands delicately in order to not disturb his left side, it stills sore. 

“You’re so fucking cute, shut up or I’ll have to teach you a lesson,” Youngjae scrunches his nose at it, “come on, let’s take a bath both of us, then we can cook together, what about it?” Youngjae agrees without any fight, he’s tired of fighting and cooking together should be alright. 

They go to the suite, the bathroom here has a big bath and suddenly Youngjae realizes just how much he needs a shower, the showers at the hospital were just ridiculous, Therese would help him get clean but it wasn’t enough. Jaebum is taking his own clothes off by his side, he can’t help but look at his naked body while they wait for the water to fill the bath. “It’s rude to stare, y’know,”

“Am not,” but the stupid smirk won’t leave Jaebum’s face so the boy slaps his arm with the back of his hand. Youngjae remembers the doctor’s words when he told him just how lucky he was, Youngjae thinks he’s right but for other reasons. He takes off his clothes as well while Jaebum uses some bath salts on the water, he said he had Jinyoung bring the stuff he bought last night, so everything as supplies and food is already well placed, he’s so thoughtful and Youngjae tells him that making the boy stop and look down at the compliment. 

“It’s just what I should do, no biggie.” 

Youngjae is thankful for the hearing aid or else he wouldn’t be able to hear anything from how softly Jaebum says it, he almost snaps at him again for him to speaker louder but thinks better of it. “Not really, you don’t have to do anything for me, you know that right? You know it wasn’t your fault and that I don’t blame you, don’t you?” He really doesn’t, he was mad at the situation, still is, mad at his own life, at how could God let all this shit happen to him, but he never blamed Jaebum, it wouldn’t make sense for him to blame him, all he did since the beginning was protect Youngjae, he should be thankful and just that.

“But I-- you called me and I didn’t come, I thought you could wait and things were just a mess so I didn’t think you not picking up the phone was a sign, when it was just too obvious,” Jaebum is shaking and really, how the fuck could Youngjae let him feel like that for all these days? He feels terrible. 

He lets his arms wrap around Jaebum’s waist bringing their bodies together in order to make the other stop shaking, “hey, don’t do that to yourself, it was not obvious, I said I was alright and that nothing happened to me, you couldn’t know. You couldn’t! We always think that we should have acted in a different way, but we should know better than blame ourselves for something that isn’t in our control. It wasn’t in your control, Jaebum.”

Jaebum doesn’t seem convinced, he won’t even look at Youngjae’s face instead his eyes are fixed on the bruises his father left on his neck. “You think it’s my fault as well, don’t lie.”

“God! Of course, I don’t, Jaebum! Why would I? I was just cranky, alright? I mean someone tells you lost some of your hearing and that’s all because your own parents hate you, because your father did it to you and you couldn’t even defend yourself, how would you feel? It wasn’t about you, it was never about you. I love you, I’m grateful for you, you’re the only thing I’m grateful for… please, why can’t you believe me?” 

Jaebum looks at him then, he kisses his cheek lightly, then the corner of his eyes, and every inch of his face, Youngjae feels like his body will melt on it. “Because I don’t deserve it, I want to be there for you, I was supposed to and I failed you, I hate myself for it. I don’t deserve you to not blame me.”

Youngjae wants to punch him to make him understand the stupidity of what he’s saying, but he’s at fault for not communicating with him before, so he tries his best here, “don’t, please don’t. I love you, I love everything you are, and seeing you hurting… it hurts me as well. You never failed me, you never did. You made me feel safe, and I feel safe now just because it’s you here with me, because it’s  _ you _ , understand?”

They don’t have to say anything after that, Jaebum nods even if reluctantly, Youngjae kisses him and now  _ that _ gives him the feeling of coming back home, he holds onto Jaebum as if he will disappear at any moment, kissing him with so much love just trying to convey everything he is feeling right now, everything he can’t put in words. They move to the bath were Youngjae uses some of the shampoo on Jaebum’s hair, it smells just like him, it’s probably the brand he always uses, and it’s perfect, the older boy has his eyes closed and will whimper from time to time. 

Youngjae knows exactly how he feels because he feels it as well, cared for and loved, he washes Jaebum’s entire body and then the other boy returns the favor, but every touch is accompanied by a small kiss, he places kisses at every possible part of Youngjae’s body. When they are done Jaebum lays on the bath bringing Youngjae’s body with him, he opens his legs slightly so the younger boy can fit in between them just right, it’s perfect the way their body fits together, the way everything seemed to be planned just so they could be together now, their fingers are interlocked under the water and Jaebum is singing softly for him, mindful of singing at his right side and as softly as he can.

Youngjae leaves everything behind, every memory, every thought that tries to invade his mind, he blocks everything out, focusing on the moment, the only thing he thinks about is Jaebum and how much he loves him. 

“I really do love you,” that’s the last thing any of them say for a long time, Jaebum only breaks the silence when the water goes cold and he says they gotta leave because he doesn’t want Youngjae catching a cold. He blows Youngjae’s hair dry and then dries his own as well, his hair is getting long and the auburn color is starting to fade away, it shouldn’t look so good in anyone but it does on him. “You’re pretty hot,” 

Jaebum looks surprised then he laughs, Youngjae hasn’t heard the sound in a long time, he loves it so much, “we are not having sex, so keep it in your pants,”

“But I’m naked, babe,” he pouts making Jaebum laugh again calling him an idiot. They dress in soft thin layers of Jaebum’s clothes, they are oversized but only because this is how Jaebum likes his clothes, Youngjae thinks he looks ridiculous on them but there’s nothing else to wear, his boyfriend says they can go get something to him in a few days. Youngjae remembers what his father said about getting paid in exchange of sex, he hates this feeling, he doesn’t want to rely on his boyfriend like this but he won’t bring this up now, not now. 

Instead of cooking lunch they fall asleep together on the big bed in the suite, it’s not as large as the one Jaebum has back at his place but it’s still way larger than anything Youngjae has ever owned himself. He’s the little spoon because apparently, Jaebum has to take care of him even while they are passed out together. They sleep for a few hours till Youngjae wakes up in a state of panic, he almost punches Jaebum’s stomach in his hurry to escape his embrace. 

“What-- Choi, baby, calm down, it’s just me. Baby,” Jaebum holds him against his chest, maybe he knows how to protect the boy when he holds him like that, maybe he doesn’t but does it instinctively anyway, they breathe together until Youngjae’s breathing goes back to normal. “What happened, my love?”

“I--” he doesn’t want to say it out loud though, so he doesn’t, all he does is shake his head and bury his face on Jaebum’s chest breathing him in. 

“Was it a nightmare? Baby... Anna went to the police,” at the Youngjae’s body goes rigid but Jaebum keeps drawing small circles on his back trying to calm him. “That piece of trash slept at the jail for two nights… then he paid to be set free but the point is that there’s a process against him for what he did to you. She reported him,”

It’s crazy that Anna would do it, at least that’s what Youngjae thinks, he never thought she would do this with his father of with anyone from church, yet she did, she did it for Youngjae, he feels weird about it. “I thought I was the only who could report him for it,”

“No, anyone could do it and she was there… she watched everything that asshole did to you, she witnessed it,” Jaebum’s voice has grown low and dark, Youngjae knows what he is thinking and he wants to reassure him that it’s okay because it’s already over, he ain’t there anymore, yet he can’t, it’s obvious that he doesn’t feel reassured himself. “You won’t need to feel scared ever again, I know I promised it once and look at where we are now but really he won’t ever come near you again if he does… if he even thinks about doing anything to you, he will be a dead body.”

It’s a weird thing to hear, even though it’s not the first time Jaebum says something like this, he doesn’t say anything back to it, his stomach does a stupidly loud noise though and they decide to cook lunch even if it’s more like dinner now. They work together and it feels awfully domestic, Youngjae thinks about what it means, he has nowhere else to go, he’s living with Jaebum, they’re here living together and probably will stay like that for some time. He tries not to think about what it means, not because he’s scared of what it means in their relationship, he really isn’t but he thinks they can figure this out later.

While they eat Youngjae tries to make Jaebum talk about what is going on at his house, the other boy won’t give in no matter what he does. So he lets it slide, for the time being, he doesn’t have nor should press Jaebum to tell him something he doesn’t feel like talking about, he can wait. They end up watching Cupcake Wars again and Youngjae can’t stop laughing, he’s carefree if only for a bit, if only while he lays in Jaebum’s warm large chest while they watch stupid shows on TV. 

“Thank you,” 

“What for?” Jaebum kisses his nose not all that interested in the answer. 

“Just thank you.” The ‘for being always by my side, for always watching over me,’ goes unsaid but somehow he knows Jaebum gets it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- im finally on my break!!! guys really i wanted to write this chapter a long time ago but uni was killing me...  
> \- it means this story will probably be over soon i can't promise how many chapters till the end but not many :)  
> \- the thing yj's mother tells him about chaining him to the basketball hoop was something i read online... i didn't make this up, a mother really said it to her son...  
> \- yj's enjury is 100% inspired by adam parrish's one if anyone has ever read the raven cycle, if u haven't spoiler... sorry  
> \- i will shut up now, if anyone is still reading this thank u!! i appreciate everyone who still likes this fic pls give lots of love to yj ://


	18. DAD.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes it's short but i had to write it.. take it off my chest maybe???  
> just pls enjoy it plssssssssssssssss

Jaebum's heartbeat is steady and even, Youngjae likes listening to it. He has his right ear pressed to his boyfriend’s chest for hours now, it’s nice how he could feel Jaebum being alert then fell when he started to get sleepy finally falling asleep. And how he knows his boyfriend is awake now but won’t open his eyes just yet enjoying their time together.

This the longest time of peace he has ever had in his entire life, they’ve been at the beach house for long days now just the two of them, and it feels like happiness is supposed to feel like. Youngjae can taste his happiness but at the same time, it feels like something is out of place. “This out of character of you?”

“Hum?” Jaebum hums proving Youngjae’s theory right, he’s awake, his arm tightens just a little bit around him. His sweet smell intoxicating the younger boy, he loves it.  

“Don’t you think that all this romantic setting is a little out of character for a bad boy who does street races and has a cool bad-boy’s-bike?” His tone is as serious as he can manage even though he isn’t that serious. 

“Is that who I am?” Jaebum’s voice is low and his body vibrates when he speaks, Youngjae is silent for some time his hand caressing Jaebum’s sides lightly. 

“Not really,” he says after a while, “you’re all that, yeah I mean but you’re much more, aren’t you? You are sweet and a domestic kind of boy, you have such a big pure heart and you’re good and passionate about things and you also care so much--”

“Okay, okay, that’s enough,” Jaebum interrupts him, his face so red when he turns them around so he’s on top of Youngjae that the younger boy can’t help laughing out loud at it. “Don’t say it,” Jaebum hides his burning face on Youngjae’s neck making him smile widely, he plays with Jaebum’s hair while he thinks about what could possibly be out of place for him. 

Maybe it’s just too good, he’s just waiting for something bad to happen but nothing ever happens. It’s perfect but it feels just like it used to feel like it’s about to end, like he will have to go back home any moment and happy-Youngjae will stay behind with happy-Jaebum, “I like you,” he says finally. 

“I’m completely and crazily in love with you,” Jaebum says back kissing his lips sweetly, Youngjae feels something building upon his chest, it burns and stops his breathing. He lets go of Jaebum’s hair pushing him a little so he will give him some space to breathe. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“Nothing is wrong. I was just wondering how long will you stay out of school like I still have a few days but what about you? I don’t want you to fail in your last year because of me.” Youngjae has been worried about it, is not a lie, is not just because of the overwhelming feeling in his chest that he decides to say it. 

“I just said I’m crazily in love with you, did you skip this part?” Jaebum rolls in his back, returning to their previous positions in the bed. “Anyway, I’m taking care of you I can’t just leave you here by yourself, can I?” 

“We don’t even have to stay here… you still haven’t told me what happened at your house. Are you gonna keep this from me forever? Are we just going to stay here so you don’t need to face whatever happened there?” He doesn’t mean to sound cold but he does a little, it shows on Jaebum’s face. 

Jaebum takes his time looking at the ceiling then at him and then he gets up getting his shirt from the floor and putting it on. He leaves the bedroom without saying a word, Youngjae wants to go after him but he doesn’t, instead, Youngjae falls asleep feeling his eyes get heavier and heavier as the hours pass. 

“Wake up, sleepyhead.” Youngjae wakes up to Jaebum luring over him, he gets kissed before he can open his eyes and it’s just so good he wants to stay like that not waking up a hundred percent, not thinking about anything other than Jaebum’s lips. “Dinner is ready… if you’re not mad.”

“I’m not mad, why would I? Only if because I’d rather more kisses than food or talking, come back here,” Jaebum kisses his pout and it lasts more than an innocent kiss should but then he’s pulling away walking out of the room, Youngjae following his steps. 

By ‘dinner is ready’ Jaebum meant that the food has been delivered, they eat fried chicken and it’s delicious but they don’t talk, they don’t talk at all. Youngjae wonders if Jaebum is mad at him, maybe he should be but he was the one asking if Youngjae was mad so it shouldn’t be it. When he’s done eating he announces that he’s going to brush his teeth, he doesn’t know why he does that and it makes him feel ridiculous. 

Youngjae is almost done with it when Jaebum shows up quietly again, like a cat, he hugs Youngjae from behind making eye contact through the mirror. “I need to talk you, I guess.”

The younger boy washes his mouth staring at his boyfriend, some anxiety tries to build up but he reminds himself that nothing bad can happen to him or to them anymore not when they’re together. 

“Okay,” he smiles tentatively which just makes Jaebum hug him tighter. 

“God… I don’t even know where to start.” None of them say anything after it, Jaebum because he’s struggling and Youngjae because he doesn’t want to make things worse, all he does is take Jaebum’s hands on his and play with his fingers for a few minutes. 

After what feels like hours he finally lets out a breath, looks down and starts talking again.

“That night, that stupid night when I didn’t pick up the phone it wasn’t because I didn’t see it I ignored you on purpose. I-- I’m so sorry,” he isn’t breathing Youngjae notices.

“Hey, hey, breathe, alright? You gotta breathe, Jaebum. It’s alright, it’s alright,” Jaebum looks into his eyes and nods once, nods twice and thanks him, he breathes for a while and that’s all he does till he can continue. 

“I feel so dirty thinking about everything I could have prevented if I had just picked the goddamn phone,” taking a deep breath again he turns Youngjae so they are looking inside each other’s eyes. “My father showed up, he was at my place when you called I was yelling at him and at my mother. I didn’t pick up because my fucking father was at my fucking house!”

Youngjae doesn’t know what to do with this information, his father? The one that disappeared leaving Jaebum without a father with no explanation, “but it has been ten years.”

“Right? That asshole, I would rather think he was dead. After everything he did to me, to us, y’know? He shows up because he wants to reconnect and God how fucked up is this?”

It’s very fucked up Youngjae will admit, but he thought Jaebum would have a different reaction, he always talked about his father like he was a hero to him well at least when talking about his memories not when he talks about everything that happened after he left. Still, Youngjae doesn’t know if this is how Jaebum even wants to react. 

“It’s very fucked up but you know you don’t owe a reaction to anyone, right?”

Jaebum looks confused by his words, shaking his head “I-- what? You think that’s not how I--” he can’t even finish his sentences, Youngjae tells him that it’s okay walking them back to the room. They sit in the bed facing each other, Jaebum looks pale as hell but at least he’s breathing now. 

“It’s not what I think. It’s what you think, don’t you want answers? Don’t you want more than yell at him? I mean you can yell yeah and you can show the world how mad you are, but I think he already knows and expect that but maybe that’s the only chance you get to get closure, to get answers.” 

Jaebum shakes his head, he doesn’t look like he’s about to cry on the contrary he looks so cold right now as if that means nothing but a bothersome subject to him. “I’m scared, alright? Are you happy? I’m scared he will sweet-talk me and I’ll forgive him after everything he did. I need my anger, Choi.” 

“Oh,” that’s all Youngjae can say, it does make sense Youngjae wouldn’t want to forgive his parents so easily either but somehow he knows he would give everything to get just some kind of affection from them, to get love from people that are supposed to love you. “I don’t think you should forgive him or anything but I don’t know if it’s healthy holding up to your anger like that--”

“I don’t care for healthy or not-healthy, baby. I care about not being made a fool of. Can you believe my mom let him there? She knew he would come she accepted it and didn’t even prepare me, who the fuck does that? And then I let you get beaten up by the father of the year, all because of them. I hate them so much.”

“Hey, don’t.” Youngjae gets closer to his boyfriend, holding on his legs and placing them over his own, Jaebum looks surprised by any form of affection demonstration mainly right now. But Youngjae loves him, he would never blame him, would never be mad at him because of any of this, “you didn’t ‘let’ anything happen to me, it would happen even if you picked the phone, it would happen even if I didn’t meet you at all because it has always happened. You saved me, you took me away from there and you gave me love. You’re the one who gave me love.” Jaebum blushes not meeting his eyes, “let me do that for you too.”

“I do! You give me love just fine,” he protests weekly too busy blushing like a tomato. 

“Let me save you from these demons, Jaebum. You have the right to decide not talking to him, it’s your right but you should make a decision keep on living your life instead of hiding here.” 

“I’m not hiding, I’m taking care of you,” 

“Yeah, right ok you’re taking care of me, but it doesn’t have to be here, does it? Does your mom know where you are?” He asks realizing the probably doesn’t, Jaebum shakes his head somehow embarrassedly and it’s not really a surprise. Apparently, she knew when he was at the hospital with Youngjae but has heard of him ever since, “we should just leave, that was our vacation from real life but it can’t last forever.”

Jaebum looks up, he moves his body so he’s sitting on Youngjae’s lap, “anything you ask me for, which is unfair by the way, but anything you want I will do it.” He kisses Youngjae and it’s not just a kiss, it’s like he’s asking for something. Youngjae knows what it is, so he kisses Jaebum back with so much care, holding him closer to his body. 

He tells Jaebum that it will be alright that they will do whatever he wants, whatever he needs to do. Jaebum seems calmer when he falls asleep on Youngjae’s arms again, it’s not the same position like before, Youngjae can’t hear his heartbeat but he can feel his breathing on his neck, it’s good too. He can’t fall asleep so easily as the other though, the idea of going back to school, of having the entire city knowing he’s dating Jaebum, of maybe crossing paths with his parents, he is scared. Youngjae is terrified but no matter how scared Youngjae is he knows they can’t keep on pretending here forever. 

They have a date the next day by the beach is warmer than ever, they spend the entire day there till night approaches and the get to see the magic hour. Everything is so perfect the sky, the ocean, Jaebum looking at im as if he holds the moon in his eyes. Jaebum can’t keep his hands off him, kissing and demanding to be touched all the time. Youngjae knows and understands the feeling because as soon as they’re back home they have to leave it will all be over. 

Their things are packed already and again Jaebum stops talking, after a heated ‘I love you’, at the beach he hasn’t said another word. Youngjae is always scared he’ll go mute on him as he did once not speaking to anyone, but at the same now he can trust their relationship he knows Jaebum wouldn’t shout  _ him  _ off, he knows Jaebum wouldn’t want to be away from him as much as Youngjae doesn’t want to be away from him. 

The drive is quiet and warm, Jaebum drives with his right hand on Youngjae’s thigh even if it’s just because something they always do, maybe to show him things still the same between them. When they get to Jaebum’s house the place looks the same, just about the same, maybe the dark sky makes things more familiar to Youngjae than he would like them to be. 

As soon as they are inside there’s a body colliding with Jaebum’s, Youngjae almost yells startled but then he notices Jaebum’s mother crying on his arms, it’s sweet kinda. At least it was till she starts hitting his chest with her small fists. 

“Where the hell were you? I looked for you everywhere, Im Jaebum! I was going to the police tomorrow morning because I just couldn’t wait anymore. Why did you just turned off your phone and disappeared for days with him?” She looks at Youngjae as if she wants to kill him as if his fault, so yeah maybe not so sweet. 

“Sorry I made you worry, I didn’t know that this was a feeling you were capable of.” He says back coldly. 

“That’s not fair! It wasn’t my fault he wanted to talk to you. You didn’t need to disappear because of that! Son, you could have stayed we would have waited till you were ready--” 

Jaebum smiles meanly at her, Youngjae feels like he’s intruding by being here, “you don’t know what I needed you never did. We are going to my room.” 

He takes Youngjae’s hand on his but they can’t take two steps before a tall man that looks very much like an older Jaebum is coming downstairs right in front of them, Jaebum shields him as fast as he can as if trying to protect Youngjae. “What is he doing here?”

“You disappeared, where else would I be? Your mother was desperate after you didn’t come back from the hospital. Was I supposed to leave her alone here?” Jaebum’s father asks calmly. 

This time Jaebum laughs out loud as if he just heard a joke, “are you kidding me right now, right?  _ You _ disappeared and  _ you  _ left her all alone to take care of me which she didn’t by the way too busy drinking up her emotions to even remember she had a son,” his body is trembling so Youngjae reminds him that he’s right there with him.

He lets his finger circle his wrists, Jaebum looks at him and it’s just like he really forgot Youngjae was there, just like he thought he did. Suddenly his father is also noticing Youngjae, he stops in front of him analyzing the boy for what feels like hours but can’t last more than two seconds. “I presume you’re better after your incident, am I right?”

Youngjae doesn’t get to nod his head all the way through it, “don’t come near him, don’t fucking talking to him.” It startles Youngjae and the man as well, he feels the urge to hide behind Jaebum he doesn’t know why the man looks hurt by the words. 

“I’d never do anything to him or to you, you know that son.” He says. 

“God, why are you even here? Go away!” Jaebum then pushes the man who doesn’t react at all, his mother telling him to stop it right now. But Jaebum doesn’t, he grabs his father by his collar, Jaebum isn’t as tall as him but he looks way more terrifying right now. “Go back to your new family, you piece of shit, we don’t need you anymore.”

“Stop it already, Im Jaebum!” Mrs. Im pulls Jaebum but his body won’t even move, is like he’s waiting for a reaction and it ain’t from his mother. “Let him go!”

It all reminds Youngjae of something he has lived before, he hates seeing Jaebum in this position but he tries to ignore his feeling altogether. It’s not the same thing, it just isn’t. 

“Son, I know you are mad. We all know, but I’m not going away this time, I want us to make up for all the years we weren’t together. I’ll fight to have our relationship back.” The thing is Jaebum’s father doesn’t look phased at all, is like he knows he deserves all the hate and won’t fight back not physically anyway. “That’s the reason why I’m here is that I’m your father and I regret what happened. I love you, son.” Then the punch comes, Youngjae feels it in his stomach, he cringes at the scene in front of him, there’s a mess of yells coming from Mrs. Im and it’s hard for him to breathe for a second. 

“You don’t love me or us, you don’t love anyone and we don’t love you either, you motherfucker,” Jaebum pushes his body away again and then he’s walking out. Youngjae is left there watching as Mrs. Im takes tries to take care of the man who left her, he says that it’s fine that he understands Jaebum but Youngjae doesn’t think he does, he doesn’t think anyone understands his boyfriend as he does. 

He goes after Jaebum finding him on his room, he has a bottle in his hand and it looks like he just took something else while Youngjae was downstairs, “what are you doing?”

“God, no. Stay in another room, I don’t-- fuck don’t look at me while I’m like that,” Jaebum is trying his best to be nice to not yell at him even though it seems like the hardest thing he has ever done. He has googly eyes and if possible looks even more frenetic than before, Youngjae is scared which shouldn’t be what all of this is about but still is. After what happened to him he can’t really deal with someone breaking their room like Jaebum was doing just before he got in here. 

“Please, stop that--”

“I can’t, alright? I’m sorry but when you were at that hospital I couldn’t drink I couldn’t smoke couldn’t hit anything because you were there and it was my fucking fault, I thought the only person I have ever loved would die. But look at you here safe and sound, can’t I-- can’t I run from this now, can’t I have this now?”

Youngjae knows he means running from his parents even if drugging himself is the only way he knows. He wants to yell at Jaebum to stop but he doesn’t he knows it won’t work, “I’m not leaving so if you want to hurt yourself well then be a man and do it in front of me.”

He isn’t expecting for that, he isn’t expecting for Jaebum to throw the whole bottle at the wall, it breaks before it can even hit the ground the strong smell invading the room. “Fuck you for this one.” He says but it’s not at Youngjae that he’s mad, that’s pretty obvious when he pulls the boy to sit with him in his bed. 

They sit in silence for almost an hour, Jaebum cries then he doesn’t then he cries again, they won’t speak but at least Jaebum isn’t drinking up or doing anything that could hurt himself. He lies his head on Youngjae’s lap, his face on the younger boy’s stomach smelling him in while he cries again.

“My grandparents didn’t like him, they weren’t talking to my mother when they got married I think they kind of kicked her out, just when I was born did they talk to her again but because they wanted to see their first grandchildren and not really because of her, y’know.” Jaebum never gives information freely like that, so Youngjae just nods not wanting to scare him away, that doesn’t happen frequently.

“They truly loved me it was genuine… and I really loved them too. When he left my mom could only drink, she was a mess for years she would leave me alone in this big house for days and my grandma, she took me away from her and then it was also a mess. I was a kid and they fucking didn’t care, they were just throwing me around like a toy.”

“When they passed away my mother was doing better so she could take care of me but… well, you see how she does it. I didn’t feel happy till you were he with me, and now it was supposed to be perfect but shit won’t stop coming our way, I just-- I just want to feel like I belong, like this isn’t wrong like I deserve this.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, babe,” Youngjae says feeling the boy’s tears wetting his shirt and his own tears rolling down his face. “I’m so sorry--” 

Jaebum looks up at him and then sits up so he can dry Youngjae’s tears, “God, why are you crying? Baby, don’t cry please.”

“I just don’t want you to suffer. I don’t want you to ever suffer like that again, that’s-- the things they did to you I’m so sorry, Jaebum.” He says honestly, he just loves Jaebum so much, he’s always the one sharing his pain but now he can feel how having Jaebum share his pain hurts even more. Wanting to protect someone you love and not being able to, it just aches his heart. 

“It’s okay, you’re here now, that’s all I need,” Jaebum assures him. 

But Youngjae isn’t sure about that, he doesn’t think that’s all someone might need in life but that’s all he can guarantee Jaebum will have, him and his love for as long as he lives. 

They sleep together, Youngjae singing Jaebum to sleep this time, it’s their comfort thing for when the other one is sad. Youngjae doesn’t know how things will evolve from here but he knows he won’t leave Jaebum alone ever again. 

He thinks about last Christmas and his birthday, how he asked Youngjae to be there and he wasn’t he feel terrible about himself, feels like throwing up. But he knows the only thing he can do is assure the boy will always have him by his side, will always be able to lean on him from now on. 

The next morning he wakes up by himself, Youngjae doesn’t freak out only because now he’s sure Jaebum wouldn’t leave him there by himself. He finds Jaebum with his mother in the kitchen,  Margareth serving them breakfast, Jaebum doesn’t say a word it’s just Mrs. Im talking. Youngjae wants to go back to Jaebum’s room but the boy spots him, his face changing completely, he opens his arms in an invitation so Youngjae has no choice but coming to him.

He’s about to sit next to Jaebum but the other boy just makes a noise in the back of his throat pulling him into a kiss, he tries to place Youngjae on his lap but he tenses his body stopping him, “Jaebum!” He complains at the same that Mrs. Im coughs warning them. 

Youngjae has never been intimate with Jaebum in front of people like that, he blushes sitting on another chair but can’t stop smiling, it isn’t forbidden anymore, Jaebum smirks at him. 

“Sorry for intruding,” he says at least. 

“You are not, I was just explaining to Jaebum how things in life are.” Mrs. Im says nicely than she has ever been with Youngjae. 

“No, no, let me tell him. My mom thinks that it’s natural for a married man to leave his wife and son just so he can marry another woman and have two other kids like right after. Tell me, baby, don’t you think it would be more normal for him to want another life? But nah he likes being a married man, he just didn’t like us.” He’s telling Youngjae but his eyes won’t leave his mother. 

Youngjae didn’t know about that, two other kids? Did he leave just to get married again? What kind of person does that to their family? It makes no sense to Youngjae. 

“I’m not saying it’s normal, Jaebum,” she sighs, “what I’m saying is that you should listen to him instead of punching your own father in the face, don’t you think, Choi?”

Even though it’s his name, Youngjae doesn’t like being called ‘Choi’ by someone who is not Jaebum, he won’t tell her that though. “Well, punching isn’t a good choice your right. But we don’t know how Jaebum feels, what’s been going inside him. None of us know.” He says summing up all the courage in his body. 

She rolls his eyes apparently giving up on the conversation and on being nice with him, “he’s at a hotel nearby so you won’t have to worry about seen him here without a warning again, I just ask you son listen to him, I’m not his biggest fan--”

“Exactly why do you care? Everything he did to me he also did to you, shouldn’t you be hurt? Shouldn’t you hate him as well as I do?” Jaebum demands already losing his coolness.

“And I do! Of course, I do, I hate him. But son… if you can give him a chance to explain his reasons maybe you’ll finally be free from all of this.”

Free, Youngjae thinks about it even after Mrs. Im leaves the table leaving them alone, even while Jaebum kisses his neck and Margareth pretends she’s not seeing it, her face closed off. Youngjae almost likes her at this moment, if what’s she’s saying it’s true if she cares about Jaebum like that, she’s his mother after all.

“You think she’s saying is the truth?” Youngjae asks, but all Jaebum does is kiss his neck harder leaving a mark there, he has been extremely affectioned lately, since the whole hospital thing, since the 'they don’t have to be closed anymore' thing, since this whole mess. It’s like he wants to make sure it’s all real all the time, it is probably disgusting to other people, Youngjae doesn’t mind. “About wanting you to be free. It’s something like freeing yourself from your resentment, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, that’s what she was saying before but, baby, I won’t ever forgive them. I don’t want to… we talked about that. I can accept her in my life, I can’t accept him back in. I just wish he would go back to his family already. You think he left them too?” He mocks at the end, Youngjae slaps his leg but he does smile at him even if it’s not funny. 

“Ok, I want you two out of my kitchen already. I don’t want to see cannibalism in here,” Margareth says when she’s finally done with all the kissing and bitting Jaebum has been doing. Youngjae blushes but all Jaebum does is smile at her saying she would like to watch it just fine, the younger boy hits him again. 

They spend the day watching movies neither of them cares about, Jaebum smokes a bit saying it’s in order for him to loosen up, not that he needs it. For the most part of the time he’s quiet, Youngjae gets it, his mood is all over the place, his head probably is as well so he just lets him be.

Youngjae wanted to visit Bambam and Yugyeom but the idea of leaving Jaebum by himself actually scares him. Of course, Jaebum isn’t an irresponsible kid who will do stupid shit as soon as he’s left alone, he knows what he’s doing but Youngjae knows sometimes pain can be too cruel that it can make you forget about what you value the most and feel just that. He wants to remind Jaebum what he values. 

They end up having sex that night, Youngjae thinks it was obvious that they would if the way Jaebum was being clingy to him was anything to go by. But it surprises him how soft Jaebum is, he never hurt Youngjae, of course not, but this time his extra care shows. He thanks Youngjae kissing all his face, telling him how much he loves him. How they gonna be much more than this, how he has a plan.

Youngjae has no idea what plan he’s talking about but he agrees to whatever his boyfriend says, he feels so complete with Jaebum here. They’re both so vulnerable, naked in more than just physically, in more than just one way. Youngjae feels like it’s finally right. At the beach house, it was perfect but it wasn’t real, here it isn’t perfect they are scared and there are a thousand of things haunting them but it’s real and they have each other. In the real world, they still have each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- it's very cringy maybe more than fluffy which was what i wanted at first.... lol i was having a bad time but it was just like what i had in my head so.... and i needed to write as i said that's why the chapters are shorter....  
> \- anyways i think jaebum and youngjae are VERY emotionally dependent on each other, that's not good at all but i can't write it in any other way... it just fits their narratives...  
> \- lastly i almost made of this the last chapter lmao gbjnvkjcs yeah let things open... im becoming a fan of it but nah won't do this in thi story i'd get killed.  
> \- i hope u enjoyed reading it <3


	19. JUST THAT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy a last chapter?? and thank u

“Are you sure you don’t want us to walk you home, bro?” Bambam asks playfully while the three of them stare at the empty parking lot, Youngjae has been waiting for Jaebum for twenty-five minutes and his friends kept him company even though he said it wasn’t necessary. Pretty much everyone has already left by this time, just the three of them still there. 

“Nah, it’s cool. Jaebum probably had a problem or maybe he’s still asleep I don’t know,” Youngjae reasons even if he knows that Jaebum wouldn’t oversleep when he promised to pick Youngjae up from school, it isn’t like him.

“By the way why isn’t Jaebum at school today, it’s his last year how will he manage to not fail, skipping class like this?” Yugyeom wonders. Youngjae explains to them that he wasn’t feeling like school today for some unknown reason and that it was enough for him to not come to class. 

“Apparently he’s sure he won’t fail because his mother wouldn’t let this happen,” the other two boys laugh but Youngjae isn’t joking, “I’m serious. Jaebum says he has his contacts, and that he could skip all he wants, he would still make it through. Anyway, you don’t have to walk me home, is not like I’m some princess in distress that can’t walk by herself. I’ll get there quicker without you two, anyways.”

Yugyeom hums as if making sense of the words, since everything that happened the whole hospital thing his friends are being overprotective over him. As if they can do something now. They can’t do anything anymore, there’s nothing left to do, Youngjae thinks to himself. 

“If you say it’s cool then it’s cool,” Yugyeom says to Bambam’s surprise, he seems ready to protest but just reminds Youngjae of their movie night next Friday and then they are parting ways. 

Youngjae isn’t nervous, he listens to some songs on his way, it’s a bummer that he has to walk all alone but he doesn’t know anyone apart from Jaebum who lives where the mansions are. Well, he knows Jaebum’s friends that are almost his friends as well by now, but they all already left and none of them would exactly walk home. 

It’s a long way but it doesn’t bother Youngjae at all, he still runs in the morning whenever he can so he’s used to long walks. Also, he kinda feels like an independent person who doesn’t need to rely on another one even to go back home. It does start to bother him when he sends a text to Jaebum and it goes unread, it’s the third today and it kinda makes the boy feel unease. It’s not like him to ignore Youngjae. 

It doesn’t take him as long as he thought it would get, soon he’s at the door of the house, he opens it slowly for some reason he can’t really be sure of what it is. There’s a warm tingly feeling on his stomach when he sees Jaebum sitting at the couch of the living room. He’s wearing Youngjae’s blue beanie even though it isn’t cold, he looks pale and small, Youngjae wants to run to him when he notices Jaebum’s father there with him. 

They are talking, the boy can’t make out what exactly they are saying but they don’t seem to be fighting, he wonders what he should do right now. If he should go back outside and just pretend he still hasn’t gotten home or if he should go straight to Jaebum’s room without a word since it’s a private conversation. 

He also wonders if he should sit there beside Jaebum to support him in whatever is it that they’re doing, he wants to be there for Jaebum but he didn’t ask him to do so then maybe he would be intruding. He tries to go back turning his back on them but his feet seem to work in the wrong way, he stumbles making a loud noise and cursing under his breath. 

“What-- oh, baby!” Jaebum smiles at him, a beautiful smile even if it doesn’t reach his eyes, it’s a genuine smile but he isn’t happy right now. He walks to the living room a little embarrassed but confident, smiling back at Jaebum. 

The older boy kisses him ‘hello’, Youngjae blushes hard but let him do it, he greets Jaebum’s father. The man doesn’t look too happy seeing him, of course, he doesn’t. It’s a private conversation and the boy knows it. 

“I don’t mean to intrude-- should I leave?” He asks Jaebum, he doesn’t care if the man would like him to leave but he will as soon as Jaebum tells him to do so. 

“No!” At this moment Jaebum’s eyes widen as if realizing something terrible. “Oh my God, I lost track of the time, how did you get here? Did you walk all the way here? Fuck, I’m such a terrible boyfriend--”

“Hey, it’s fine I can walk by myself, I was just worried something--”

“Jaebum, we aren’t done here, I’m sure your boyfriend can get settled by himself,” the older man in the room tells him, voice cold as a warning. Youngjae is confused for a minute, Jaebum doesn’t seem to have the same problem, he sits putting Youngjae on his lap as if it’s a normal thing to do in front of one of your parents.

He calls for Margareth so she can bring something to Youngjae to eat, he tries to say that it’s okay but Jaebum won’t let go. He raises his eyebrow to his father as if defying him, telling him he does whatever he wants to do. 

“I think we are pretty much done here, I heard you, you heard me, we are on our terms about what to do next. In fact, I think you can leave now.” He doesn’t leave room for his father to protest, the man looks regretful as if he had much more to say but Youngjae took it from him, he almost feels bad for the older man but Jaebum doesn’t look like he’s stopping himself from holding a conversation with his father because of Youngjae. He just looks like he has another priority right now.

He leaves promising to call Jaebum, which is news for Youngjae, he tries turning to ask Jaebum about it but all Jaebum does is hold him tighter on his arms and shake his head. Youngjae barely eats anything, he doesn’t feel like it and Jaebum isn’t saying anything, it’s bothering him. He can't protest before Jaebum is pulling him up taking him to his room. 

Jaebum drops him to his bed as soon as they are inside, he turns off the lights taking off his clothes but the beanie and his boxers. 

He looks so cute like that Youngjae wants to ask what just happened downstairs but Jaebum stops him from doing so again, “we can talk about it tomorrow, yeah? Let me just… let me just be with you now.”

He undresses Youngjae as well covering them with the softest blanket Jaebum owes, Youngjae’s favorite. There’s so much he wants to ask, so much he wants to say to assure Jaebum of, but he doesn’t. Jaebum’s tight hug shows him that just by being here he’s already doing a lot, is already letting him know that Youngjae isn’t going anywhere. That they have each other. 

He pretends he doesn’t feel Jaebum’s tears on the back of his neck when they are falling asleep, all he does is whisper soft ‘I love you’s that he isn’t even sure Jaebum hears till they are sleeping tight together. 

The next morning they wake up to Youngjae’s alarm, Jaebum turns it off as fast as he can and then he’s lying over Youngjae’s body in order to stop him from getting up.

“Jaebummie--”

“Sh, sh, let’s stay here today, just today please, I promise we will go to school every day next week, and the next one after it and the next… let’s please just stay here today.” Jaebum pleads and he knows Youngjae wouldn’t deny him anything, not in a situation like this, not when he seems to need Youngjae like this. 

“I’m not sure I have the same contacts like you, y’know” he jokes making the older boy laugh for the first time in the past two days, it has only been a short time but for Youngjae it was ages and ages. He lets his fingertips trace Jaebum’s smile smiling back at him. 

“Don’t look at me like that, it’s too much.” 

“What is?” Youngjae kisses him, not an innocent kiss, he kisses Jaebum for the longest time till they are both breathless and he feels like it says more than any words could ever say. They fall asleep again, this time a feeling of contentment in Youngjae’s heart that he is pretty sure is shared with his boyfriend. 

The next time he wakes up is to a light kiss and to a trail in his lap, there’s a lot of food there that Jaebum assures him he needs to start well the day.

“What am I? Snow white?” Youngjae laughs looking at the whole setting, he can also hear birds outside and it’s just perfect, Jaebum is perfect. They eat together till they are satisfied enough and Jaebum takes the trail downstairs when he’s back he lies with Youngjae again. 

They are just lazing together when Jaebum starts talking, Youngjae was expecting for it. “He went back to his home, to his family,”

“Is that a bad thing?” Youngjae should know before reacting to any of this. 

Jaebum thinks for a while as if he hadn’t had the time to figure this out. “I don’t think so, I think it’s a good thing. He has kids to look after and his place ain’t here anyway.”

They stay silent again, Youngjae thinks Jaebum wants to share what happened because there’s a thing they do now, they don’t keep stuff from each other and most importantly they don’t keep things inside. 

“I let him have my number and I have his, now we can talk I-- I regretted giving him my number then I didn’t anymore, then I regretted again. Is a crazy feeling, you know?” Youngjae nods, he doesn’t know because he can’t be in Jaebum’s place and he doesn’t know how the boy feels exactly but he can try to understand it. “We decided… on having a relationship, somehow. What do you think about it?”

“What do you mean? It’s not up to me to make decisions like that, it’s up to you, babe. It’s your life, I can’t know how you feel but… I’m proud of you for trying, we don’t know what will come out of this, no one can know but still, you’re giving your relationship with him a try, for that I’m proud.”

“You don’t think I’m being weak, then?” Jaebum turns Youngjae body so he’s on his back and Jaebum is looking over into his eyes, “you don’t think I’m just giving him a way to hurt me again.”

“No,” Youngjae answers too quickly then tries again, “I mean no, I don’t think you’re weak for wanting a relationship with your father. And I don’t think you’re just giving him a chance to hurt you again it’s not that simple. I mean we can’t know what we will come from this, God knows what he will do with this chance but we know what you did. This is getting confusing.”

He takes a deep breath starting over again, “Jaebum, babe, I don’t care for him, I don’t care for what you’re doing for him. I do care for you and what I see here is you giving yourself another chance, a chance to have someone important in your life. We don’t know the outcome of it because we can’t know, but we do know that you’re trying and that you’re doing it for yourself so I’m happy.”

“Are you? Aren’t you disappointed on me? After everything I said, I… I said I would never forgive him and well I didn’t but I’m accepting him back in my life even though he doesn’t deserve it, even though my mom doesn’t deserve it.”

Jaebum looks scared, like a scared kid and all Youngjae can do is hold his face on his hands, he looks at his boyfriend’s face for a long time till he can feel the fear and the stress go away, slowly it goes away. “You’re trying for yourself, I couldn’t be more proud. I’m not proud because you gave him his number, it doesn’t really matter. I’m proud because you did something for you, something you thought was right for you. No one will be disappointed on you, love, I promise that.”

After it Jaebum only hugs him, he lies over Youngjae’s body and it’s a little uncomfortable but at the same time is the best place Youngjae has ever been. He tells Jaebum he loves him again and again, and it’s so cheesy, but Youngjae doesn’t care, he loves Jaebum more than anything in his life he’s just happy he’s doing something for himself. He’s just happy here with Jaebum. 

The older boy is in a better mood the next day as well, they don’t skip school again, Youngjae has a lot to catch up as it is. They agree with Youngjae going to Bambam’s place that night, Jaebum having other plans. Bambam’s mother is happy seeing Youngjae, she has always been nice to him but this time is different she treats him like her own son. 

Any other time Youngjae wouldn’t like it, would be embarrassed that she knew everything that went down at his house with his family, that she would be doing that out of pity. Today he doesn’t mind it, he’s happy to be at the end of some love and care, he appreciates it even.

They are just starting their third pizza all well focused on the horror movie in front of them well someone enters the room make little to no noise. When Bambam sees someone inside his room he yells so loud Youngjae thinks he’s going to lose his audition altogether this time. The other two boys are startled as well but because of Bambam’s yell and not because Im Jaebum stands there in all his glory. Youngjae slaps him hard for the fright and Bambam and Yugyeom only whine at him. 

“Why didn’t you say he was coming over too? Now we need to order a dozen more pizzas,” Yugyeom says seriously, Jaebum makes a face taking his slice of pizza from his hand if only to make a point. 

“I didn’t know--” 

“I’m not coming over, I have literally zero interest in being in this room with you two for the rest of the night,” Bambam yells a ‘rude’ to which Jaebum only smirks, the asshole. “I came because I thought it would be nice to take you guys to a race--”

“To a race?” Yugyeom’s eyes are shining, “but isn’t it dangerous and my mom, if she finds out--”

“I’m not gonna force you two to come, but Jackson will be there and so will Jinyoung, well I know you all got to know each other better. Actually, a lot of cool people will be there and I already got permission from Bambam’s mother,” he smirks again. 

Youngjae is left open-mouthed, he didn’t even know Jaebum was going to a race today so he sure as hell wasn’t expecting him to come over and pick them up. 

“You told my mother we are going to a race?” Bambam exclaims panic in his eyes. 

“Of course not dumbass, I said I’d take you three to take a ride with me, not that I think she’s dumb and would fall for that but she seems to like me and think I’m a responsible person. So you two,” he points at Yugyeom and Bambam, “are going to behave tonight.”

They are more than excited to promise they will do so, it takes Bambam hours to choose what he’s going to wear until Jaebum loses his temper and threats to leave without him. 

They drive to a small if possible even smaller than their city nearby. Everyone is there as Jaebum said they would be,  people Youngjae learned to like and others that he will never like in his life or in the next one. They go on races and it’s different from every other time they did this, Jaebum doesn’t seem crazy out of his head to win each one of them. On the contrary, he’s chill and driving safely, well not safely but as safely as he can. 

He lets Bambam and Yugyeom ride with Jinyoung once, in his words just because he trusts Jinyoung with his life. Which is cute to Youngjae, the fact that he worries about Youngjae’s friends to this extent, he’s content. They go up against Mark so they don’t stand a chance, either way, Yugyeom says he has the best time of his life because driving with Jinyoung is way better than driving with Jaebum apparently. 

The races still going pretty strong but Jaebum decides to drive with Youngjae for a while, just the two of them while the other four spend time together. Youngjae smiles to himself, he’s happy they are all getting to know each other better, the fights with Jackson died down and both him and Jinyoung got close real fast with his friends. 

He also smiles thinking about Jaebum making it happen, how thoughtful of him. Youngjae is happy, sometimes it feels like a fake feeling and he gets depressed thinking about his life, how it was before but he tries to not think too much. They have the windows rolled all the way down, wind blowing up their hair, Youngjae is happy right now. 

“How do you think we are going to die?” Jaebum asks out of nowhere to Youngjae’s surprise.

“Wow, I was just thinking about how happy I’m here with you and that’s what you have to say? Am I a morbid company?” But Jaebum doesn’t even smile, he just looks at him quickly as if encouraging, waiting for an answer. “I don’t know… this is a weird question,”

“Yeah, I know, sorry. You were thinking about how happy you are right now and I was just thinking about how long it will last,” his mood didn’t change, at least he doesn’t seem to be in a dark place as Youngjae expected him to be with this conversation.

“Jaebum,”

“No, I’m just thinking…” he’s quite for a long while, Youngjae thinks he forgot what he was going to say but then he starts again. “Do you want to die while you sleep?”

“God, you sound like a serial killer,” that makes Jaebum laugh, he quickly explains himself. 

“Is not that okay, I was just thinking that I never cared about it. Living, well dying but they are connected, aren’t they?” Youngjae hums. “I never cared how long I lived or how I’d live this life, seeing you with me in this car tonight it got me thinking, I want to live for as long as I can just so I can be with you.”

Youngjae wants to mock him, call him out for being so cheesy but he doesn’t. He has a feeling that’s one of the reasons why Jaebum used to be so closed off, he doesn’t want to ruin his progress. “From old age then?”

“With you by my side? Yeah, from old age, maybe never die, maybe--”

“I know how I’d like to go, with you from old age at the beach house. Just the two of us, there forever.”

 

* * *

 

“Is it weird that I’m living with Jaebum?” Youngjae asks in the darkness of Bambam’s room, he’s spending the night and it’s just the two of them. Yugyeom couldn’t make it and Jaebum is spending time with his mother, it basically means both of them in the living room watching Koreans dramas without saying a word to each other but it’s a start. 

Bambam seems surprised by the question but doesn’t judge him, at least not out loud. “How do you mean?”

“I don’t know, it’s his place and don’t get me wrong I’ve never been this happy in my life I’m happy just being with him but it’s like I’m living in someone else’s place forever, it’s his room, his living room, his bathroom,  _ his, his, his.  _ You know what I mean?”

“You can move in here if you like?” 

“No, you don’t understand. I like being with Jaebum, I just wish it was ours instead of his,”

“Oh, what can you two do? You’re just in high school and I know it’s hard but--”

“Anna came over last week,” Youngjae changes subject quickly, he knows he can’t just run away with Jaebum. He just needs to vent, about feeling like an outsider, about Anna, about his parents about everything. 

Bambam seems even more surprised at that, he turns on his side staring at Youngjae, mouth hanging open. “What-- why? What she wants from you?”

“She was actually pretty sweet, she wanted to see how I was going and she was embarrassed because of how long it took for her to come to see me but I understand, y’know things were pretty weird.  Either way, she was very nice and I felt at home seeing her, which is weird, right?”

“I guess it’s weird but she’s part of your life for the longest time, you must like her a lot, dude,” 

Youngjae doesn’t know what to do with his hands if it was Jaebum instead of Bambam by his side he would be touching his face, a form of showing affection he kind of got used to by now. So he just rolls to his back, breathing in and out, “my father’s judgment will be next week, that’s what she told me.”

“Oh… do they need you to testify or some shit like that?”

“Yeah, sort of? Anna said it would be good for the case but I don’t… I don’t want to ever see them again, there was this time I was going to the market with Jaebum and I saw her, my mother. I saw her talking to one of her friends from the church close to the market it was so weird, I couldn’t even leave Jaebum’s car. I don’t ever want to see her again, or him, I don’t--”

“Hey, bro,” Bambam stops him with a hand on his arm, Youngjae’s eyes are glassing just from the memory. “You don’t have to do it and you don’t have to explain it to me, you don’t owe anyone an explanation.”

That sounds a lot like something he said to Jaebum a while back. The thing is Youngjae knows he doesn’t have to do anything, but he feels weak. Weak because he should go there and testify against them, he should make them pay for everything they ever did him and to his sister. Yet he can’t, he can’t bear the feeling of being at the same place as them. 

He barely sleeps at that night, the next morning he calls Jaebum as soon as he’s up. It takes him two calls to pick up and when he does he sounds worried, Youngjae feels bad about it. “Hey, Choi, everything alright?”

“Yeah, don’t sound so worried, yeah? I just… are you done spending time with your mom yet?” 

Jaebum laughs at it saying that that’s not what they were doing at all, but he feels Youngjae’s impatience. He asks again if everything is alright but all Youngjae does is ask for him to pick him up already. 

Youngjae apologizes do Bambam for leaving so early in the morning but the blonde boy assures him that it’s fine, he looks worried as well. Jaebum doesn’t take too long, as soon as they get to his room at his place Jaebum is kissing his forehead, worried expression on his face.

“What happened, come on tell me,” another kiss, Youngjae wants to be here with him forever. 

“It seems like I can’t manage to spend a lot of time away from you,” Jaebum doesn’t seem convinced though, he waits for something else, for the truth.   “Is the just the judgment thing, I can’t take it off my head,”

“Baby--”

“I know, I know you already told me, Anna already told me and now Bammie told me the same thing too. But… it’s just is it because I’m weak is that the reason why I can’t be there isn’t it?”

Jaebum signs exasperated, he hugs Youngjae and then the younger boy can breathe better as if by magic. “You’re not weak, God you’re the strongest person I have ever met, everything you went through… you don’t have to worry about proving it to anyone else but to yourself.”

Youngjae nods, he talked about it with his sister as well, she said she would be mad if he testified, she was the angriest at it. Saying she wants Youngjae safe and not remembering a past that won’t ever come back to. Youngjae tries remembering these worlds every time he feels guilty. 

It isn’t effective every time but it helps him and his anxiety to go through another week when the big day arrives he is a ball of nerves, snapping at everyone and then regretting it as soon as the words leave his mouth. When they leave school it takes Youngjae a long time to notice that they aren’t driving to Jaebum’s house.

“Where are we going?” Jaebum wouldn’t take him to-- no, he just wouldn’t--

“Hey, calm down. I thought it would good to distract you with something, I would never do anything that would harm you, in any way, ever.” Jaebum kisses his knuckles lightly while he drives. Youngjae is able to breathe again looking at his surroundings, they aren’t even in the same city anymore. “Anyways, don’t you recognize the city?”

Youngjae shakes his head, is like he has seen it before but in a dream, a dark cold dream and then it all falls in place. “Oh…” the place where they kind of had their first date that wasn’t an official date. 

“Yeah, oh. This time I didn’t get the arcade just for the two of us, I think it would be good for you to wait in line like a good boy,” Youngjae slaps his thigh making both of them laugh, forgetting about his troubles. 

This time at the arcade is completely different from the first, yeah is the same place as before but it’s day, there’s a lot of teenagers here just wanting to play as much as Youngjae. Is the most fun he has, sometimes Youngjae will think about his parents and what might have happened but he tries his hardest to think about something else, to think about the boy by his side. 

A boy that won’t stop back hugging him and buying him things, trying to catch a plush for him, the best boy Youngjae thinks to himself. “Is that like a Choi Day?” He asks when they are already walking down a street full of restaurants, being done with the games and ready to eat as much as he can. He hasn’t exactly eaten well in the last days so tonight he will just go for it. 

“You keep me asking that whenever I’m a good boyfriend. Come on, Choi,” Youngjae laughs at that, it isn’t a lie. “I can be a good boyfriend, y’know?”

“You can be the best one, silly.” He kisses Jaebum on the lips, it ain’t the first time they kiss in public, it isn’t even the first time today but he feels so good about himself when he does it in front of everyone in a restaurant just because. He can’t tell why but it makes him feel as free as one could be. 

After they are done here Jaebum drives them off to the beach house, it keeps getting better and better the boy thinks to himself. When they get there though Jaebum tells him Anna texted him earlier, all Youngjae says is that he doesn’t want to know and that’s the end of it. 

They drink a lot of wine together getting a bit tipsy, Jaebum kissing his nape as if is the best place to kiss in the world. Youngjae’s anxiety is all gone by now. He is free here. 

Youngjae sits at Jaebum’s lap while the other boy whispers on his ear, he bites hard but not hard enough at his lobe once, “hey are you even hearing me, Choi?”

“Sorry, got distracted by your hand for a second here,” Jaebum bites his neck now receiving a low moan from Youngjae, his hand on his stomach just lowering more and more. He can feel Jaebum getting hard under him. 

“Remember when I told you we needed a plan?” Jaebum’s voice sends a warm wave of hot air through Youngjae’s ear making the younger boy shiver.

He can’t make out what the other one is saying too busy circling his ass over Jaebum’s lap, who stops the movements with both his hands on Youngjae’s waist it ends up pressing them even closer together. “Plan… plan, plan… I guess I do but it was before wasn’t it? Can’t we talk about it another time, any other time? Please--”

Jaebum is smirking seeing his desperation, he drops Youngjae to the couch beside him sitting down on his lap so he can control everything that happens, every little movement of their bodies. 

“Or we can talk about it now, I called Jihyo--”

“Don’t talk about my sister now, come on, Jaebum,” he whines to Jaebum’s amusement, he smiles kissing him again this time quicker and without much pressure. 

“I have a plan, can’t you just hear it?” 

Youngjae nods his head can hear it, maybe if he gives up on letting it for later it will just end quicker and he’ll be able to have Jaebum naked all over him the way he wants, the way he needs. He doesn’t stop nodding so he gets another smile and another kiss, this time on his right cheek. 

“This is my last year, I’ll be going to uni in the next one. Yeah, I talked to my mom that’s the best way, having a degree seems to be important even if you can’t see it right now, her words not mine. Either way, there are things that I would like to do…” Youngjae’s body tense under Jaebum, he didn’t think Jaebum would be leaving him here, they promised not to leave. “Hey, what’s-- why are you so pale?”

“I didn’t-- I mean I’m happy for you I just wasn’t expecting for you leaving,”

Jaebum’s face clears in realization but then it darkens again, “don’t think for even a second that I would ever leave you, yeah? Baby, listen to me,” he holds Youngjae with a lot of care now. The heat is leaving their bodies making them able to think better about the words they are saying, “that’s why I talked to Jihyo--”

“What, will you just hand me over to her? As if I’m a pet who needs--”

“Hey, stop that, listen to me first.” Youngjae tries pushing Jaebum off of him so they will be sitting together instead of this but the older boy doesn’t even move from his position. Youngjae crosses his arm, face closed off making Jaebum sign again. “We are going to Chicago, alright? God, I try to lay it easy on you but you force me to just drop things,”

“We are what?” 

“Going to Chicago as in moving there, of course, if that’s something you’d like. We, me and Jihyo, already looked up some places and even schools for you to go I know you will miss your friends but we can come to visit since my mom will still be here and the house beach--”

“Are you serious? I mean…” Youngjae’s face is blank, is Jaebum really giving him a chance to scape this place for good? He never thought it would actually happen. 

“No, I’m joking, April’s fool haha got you,” Jaebum doesn’t laugh though, it isn’t April and it isn’t funny. None of them laugh, but Youngjae smiles big after a while after he realizes that he must be serious. That Jaebum must have actually looked up a place for them, for  _ them  _ to live  _ together.  _

“God, but are you serious?” Jaebum makes a face at that but smiles as well, nervousness leaving his boy, Youngjae doesn’t know why he was nervous for but it’s good to see him relaxing again. “Will it be just me and you?”

“Yeah, baby, just me and you. I’ll be using the money my grandparents left me, my mom won’t have anything to do with it. Anyone… really it will be just us and we will be in a good place you will have the good environment you deserve, baby.”

Youngjae can’t help it, he leans up kissing Jaebum again, he hopes this kiss can say everything he can’t. Can show Jaebum just how grateful he is for this and just how into this idea he is as well. They can talk about the details later, they can talk about everything later, all he can think about right now is how much he loves Jaebum and how much he’s loved back. 

“Is that an ‘yes’?”

“Of course, that’s an ‘yes’. I love you, thank you, I love you.” Youngjae says trying to get Jaebum closer to his body, he asks him to lay in the couch so he can lie with him. He never felt so much love inside his body and he just gotta shown him with it. 

Youngjae takes off Jaebum’s black shirt, kissing his thorax and every part he can achieve without getting to his lower stomach, “you can’t touch, yeah? Be a good boy, let me show you just how much of an ‘yes’ it is.” 

Jaebum nods holding both hands together over his head, he won’t touch he will let Youngjae have his way with him. And so he does, Youngjae kisses and sucks at his nipples caressing his sides with his nails. It’s raining outside the loud noise not enough to shut Jaebum’s pleads up, he begs and cries under Youngjae. 

But he just got started, he lets go of Jaebum’s stomach where he is leaving dark purple marks to focus on his jeans, they are baggy so Youngjae doesn’t have much trouble sliding them down. Jaebum sounds wrecked, his hard dick tenting on his white boxers, Youngjae can see how wet the tip is and he can’t stop himself from just diving in. He laps at it thin fabric still between them. 

“Oh my God!” Jaebum cries out while Youngjae pretends to not hear him, too focused licking and getting his boxes wet with his saliva. He kisses and licks, the fabric has an awful taste and it isn’t exactly ideal but Jaebum is moaning so beautifully under him, being such a good boy he can’t stop teasing him. 

Youngjae takes the small bottle of lube they keep on the living room of the beach house, is so funny to him that he went from not letting Jaebum even look at him while he jerked off to a boy who knows every hiding place Jaebum has for lube. 

He plasters both of Jaebum’s finger with lube, the boy moans again. This is all he seems to be able to do today, “I need you to warm it up for me, get it warm and ready to open me up for your dick, yeah?”

“Fuck, yeah--” Jaebum chokes on his own words, he warms up the lube in between his fingers while Youngjae gets himself all naked, cool air hitting his hot body.  Youngjae sits back on Jaebum’s lap guiding the older’s boy hand to his ass, Jaebum’s finger plays with his asshole for a moment preparing him for the intrusion. 

“Not teasing me, yeah? Who’s in control here, love?” 

“You-- you are, Youngjae,” Jaebum mumbles letting one finger slide in, it goes in easy and they moan together. 

“I can take two,” Jaebum doesn’t seem sure of it but he won’t argue with Youngjae today, he lets another finger slide in this one finding a little more resistance. He fingers Youngjae open for him while Youngjae let his fingertips touch his dick and his balls still clothed. It’s torture for Jaebum and he knows it but it also feels too good, he knows he wouldn’t want it any other way. 

Jaebum is bucking up his hips under Youngjae, then the younger lets him know that he’s ready to take him in. He slides Jaebum’s boxes just enough to free his dick, it’s red and so so hard Youngjae wants to lick at it again but he stops himself from doing so, he will get something better than that right now. Lubing Jaebum’s dick up the older boy is rolling his eyes on his skull under him, promising him he will be good. 

Youngjae wants to give him so good, so he sits on his dick slowly parting his ass cheeks for him, the whole process is slow already but then Jaebum is begging him to go even slower afraid he will just cum too soon. “So tight, baby, so tight for me, aren’t you?”

Youngjae loves it when they do it like this, he feels in control and he gets to see Jaebum fall apart under him. He moves his hips as soon he is settled in not giving Jaebum much time to breathe, he moves his hips slowly just enough to tease him. 

“Please baby,”

“Please what, babe? What do you want from me? Tell me,” but he doesn’t let Jaebum say anything laying down over him so he can kiss Jaebum’s lips dirty the way he likes it, fucking his tongue inside Jaebum’s mouth at the same pace Jaebum’s fuck inside him. It’s magical, something from another planet the way Jaebum is fucking him with so much care, but this isn’t the way Youngjae wants it, he doesn’t want care. 

He lifts his hips dropping them down again quickly, “oh shit, please.” Youngjae is the one smirking this time, he goes up and down quicker now, even thought Jaebum is the one fucking him it seems far from the truth. Youngjae is the one doing all the job, he goes to a faster pace just to hear Jaebum moans get louder in his ear. 

Jaebum’s dick brushes over his prostate again and again, he found the perfect position and the perfect pace. Youngjae deliberately squeezes Jaebum in making his ass swallow Jaebum tightly. Jaebum’s crying now, Youngjae can see tears mixing up with sweat and that kind of makes it too him. 

“Let’s cum together, love.” He whispers to Jaebum and the boy understands it as better as he can, he lets one hand fall to Youngjae’s dick jerking him off spreading his precum over his entire length, the other hand going to Youngjae’s ass where he tries to spread it better for him, he’s then fucking into Youngjae harder taking a little of control back. 

Youngjae is moaning louder clenching around Jaebum and it doesn’t take much for him to come, all he needs is Jaebum to tighter his hand in a different way turning it a little. Then there are white ropes of cum spreading over Jaebum’s torso and even hitting his chin. Jaebum follows him soon after it emptying himself inside Youngjae, making him a mess of wet noises as he tries to ride his orgasm off. 

“Thank you,” Youngjae says at least.

“What? After this I should be thanking you, we should be moving to Chicago every week.” Jaebum jokes, he expects a slap but receives a sweet kiss. 

They are a mess afterward, Youngjae can’t stop smiling though, he doesn’t care for the mess and he doesn’t care that tomorrow morning there will be dried cum all over them, well maybe he cares but he will mind it in a while not now. 

“What are you so smiley for?” Jaebum asks but he is also smiling, a stupid expression on his face, Youngjae wonders if that’s how he looks too. 

“I love you just that,”

“Just that,” Jaebum smiles up at him kissing him softly in the lips. 

 

* * *

 

 

“But do you miss it, the choir and all the kids and your friends I guess, you kinda--”

Anna stops him, they at her house, it took Youngjae some time to gather the courage to come here to see her, he’s glad he is here now but the guilty is kind of messing with his head. 

“Youngjae, my dear, of course, I miss some of it… yes, I miss the kids and some of my friends but people, they do their choices in their lives. I made mine when I decided to not close my eyes to what was happening to you anymore, yet it took a long time didn’t it?” 

Youngjae just looks down at his cup of tea, what can he say? Of course, he wanted someone, anyone to save him from the hell he was living. He wished for years that this person would be Anna but he knew he couldn’t ask her to give up everything she built for him. Yet that’s exactly what she did. 

“I did the right thing, they did the wrong thing for years as I did as well. I just decided to do what as right in the eyes of God and to help someones dear to me.”

Anna explains to him that she’s going to another church now, she’s making new friends and even meeting special people as she put it. Youngjae is happy for her, he knows he wasn’t at fault when she helped him but knowing people at church were against her and not against his parents made something break inside him. Fill him up with guilt. 

But apparently now everything is alright and she seems to be even happier than she was before. They don’t talk about his parents, not at all, Youngjae wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t want to know what happened to them he feels like he won’t be happy no matter what the result was, he would rather save himself from the suffering. 

Living in a small city it wasn’t that easy to keep himself away from the news but he managed to do so somehow. He’s content to know what he already knows, that he is free and so is his sister and that Anna isn’t paying for something she didn’t do. This was his last stop, Youngjae already saw Bambam and Yugyeom before coming here, he practically spent the last week with them, sleeping over and doing everything the wanted to do together before their moving. 

Youngjae says his goodbyes receiving a tight hug from Anna, Jaebum is outside waiting for him, they will drive to the airport nearby and Jackson will get his car for him later there. He feels his heart racing as soon as he sees Jaebum standing out of the car smoking a cigarette. Running to his boyfriend Youngjae hugs him telling him he is ready. 

His eyes are filled with tears when they finally leave the bothers of the city where Youngjae lived his entire life, of the city where he leaves his friends, the city where he met the love of his life. Jaebum has his hand on his thigh the way it is supposed to be. 

“We are going to be happy there,”

“Yeah, so happy.” Youngjae tells both of them, he feels a tear rolling down his face, Jaebum sees it as well and he dries it up with his index finger. 

“So happy, baby.”

Youngjae looks at Jaebum and all he can feel is happiness, is not Chicago he thinks, it’s  _ him.  _ Youngjae will be happy, so happy, with him no matter where. Because he loves him, too much. It’s them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- this chapter was a mess to me at least, writing it was so hard i almost gave up on finishing it altogether (too many feelinfs and like a mess inside me as well)  
> \- but here it is.... some things are open bc honestly id like people to think about even after the story is over like their life together in Chicago and whatnot... ofc i coud write about it but yall could also imagine how it went this is a thing i like alright???   
> \- im thankful to everyone who read this story... a long journey gvrkndjc i feel super weird posting this but here we go,,,   
> \- i hope u found happiness here <3


End file.
